The Smear 2/4/10: Sign the Dotted Line, Homie

Song of the Day: Queens of the Stone Age – “In the Fade”

I color my nails with White Out because I'm lonely.

Have at it, you heathens. I know you want to talk all about signing day and how much you’re looking forward to having the new recruiting class. Maybe you can throw in a couple of woulda-coulda-shoulda’s in reference to Jackson Jeffcoat signing with the Longhorns.

You’ve certainly already seen it, touched it, smelled it, tasted it… but here’s your list of 2010 Commits anyway (according to Scout.com).

The Cougars ended up ranked #54 by Scout.com (here) and #45 by Rivals.com (here), but they will always be #1 in our hearts. Right, boys?

With 12 of the 27 total recruits being on the defensive side of the ball, it looks like Sumlin is really trying to shore up the weakest part of the team. That’s good news. Considering the offensive powerhouse that is the Coogs, I would imagine it would be rather difficult to recruit kids with the “well, you’re going to get embarrassed at every practice. Then, on game day, you’re going to drop your pants around your ankles and take it like a man,” line.

Especially with the flight of coordinators away from the program, being able to maintain the high level of Commits through signing day is particularly a good sign. Then again, with Oklahoma State coming in with the #18 recruit class (or #31, depending who you ask), maybe Holgorsen didn’t need to do any Lane Kiffin-style pilfering.

So, there you go. I wrote a bunch of words to justify you writing a bunch of words in the comments section. Feel free to just skip the rest of this nonsense… BUT, IF YOU DO skip my next 300 words, you’re going to miss one of the all-time great commercials.

September 25th Houston Sports FaF Smear

Song of the Day – Eagles of Death Metal – “Don’t Speak (Came to Make a Bang)”

Reppin' it old skool

All these meanie Texas Tech fans have me shying away from football talk (just kidding, fuck those humorless fucks). Luckily, there’s enough Houston Rockets news to serve as a diversion today. This is usually THE Random Guy’s territory, but since he stole the FaFU from me on Wednesday and turned it into an abortion of a post, I justify stepping née STOMPING on his toes.

First off, let’s get this out of the way: Yao Ming will not be playing next year. Don’t worry, Houston fans, we’re just on a break with the big brute. He’ll come back… we swear he will. We’re the best he’s ever had. Give him a chance to sow his wild oats. Yao will remember what he’s missing. He will long for the warmth of our embrace. He will remember that our hard wood is the hardest wood… Wait… this is coming out all wrong (but oh so right). In the end, this is encouraging but for right now, obviously, we’re broken hearted.

Unfortunately, with the absence of the Chinaman the Rox’ new marketing campaign is a little less relevant. “We are a Red Army Nation” doesn’t have quite the ring to it without all that awesome Communism to back it up. The above picture is a “sneak peek” at the newest jersey for the season (appropriated from MyFoxHouston). It will only be worn for one game against the Oklahoma City Thunder(ously bad) on November 6th. I will never understand professional sports marketing strategies… It’s not like I was a business major or anything… The one-time-only jersey against the Thunder? Is that really supposed to be the draw to buy tickets? Come see Kevin Durant play against the Rockets in our old colors!!

Finally, college basketball season may have gotten a touch more interesting. The Rockets see your Dukie and raise you a Tarheel. They have invited two-gaurd, Rashad McCants to camp. Oh, the possibilities of the Blue Devil/Tarheel inter-team betting between McCants and Shane Battier. I’m on the edge of my seat! If only I gave a flying fuck about either one of those two ACC programs. I’m sure ESPN will be able to jam the rivalry down my throat by the time February begins. Is there a more annoying rivalry than that one? I will give the paramount argument to support that question: Dickie V is the main proponent of the battle(s). I win.

On to the rest of your Houston Sports Updates:

August 26th Houston FaF Smear

Sitting on the 59. Summer’s coming up from behind. All the way from ’92. I need to get myself a better look at you.

The Eagles roster is becoming a clusterfuck of epic proportions. Perhaps Andy Reid has a couple tricks still up his arm flab, but for now nothing makes sense. Many resolutions need to be decided on (like, right now) however there is one that we can rest easy on (for now).

Kevin “The Kolbatron” Kolb will remain the Eagles’ number two QB on the depth chart… well, that’s what I make of the situation, anyway. KK will have the entire fourth quarter to himself in Philly’s upcoming preseason game against the Jacksonville Jaguars tomorrow night. Also, Donovan McNabb will be playing in the first three quarters of the game… Which leaves one, very high profile, much maligned quarter back without a timeslot under center.

Michael Vick is not scheduled (as far as anyone can figure out) to take any snaps in the coming game, so where does that put him? Are we going to see him in the Wilddogcat formation? Slot receiver? Running the wishbone (would be so awesome)?

Kolb, Mr. Hometown Hero, Mr. Starting-UH-Back-on-the-Road-to-Respectability, please don’t mess this up for yourself. Don’t mess it up for us either. The last time we sacrificed our reputation for a dog killer was when we hired Dana Dimel and that didn’t turn out well for any of us (he was a hot dog killer, but still).

On to your Houston sports updates:

July 22nd Houston FaF Smear (and UFL “news”)

But you still read. I must admit, I don’t believe in it, but I see why you get sucked in.

Yep, this is going to work out.

With the above visual representation you might think that former Bills quarterback, JP Losman is going to sign with the UFL instead of the NFL next season. But, you would be wrong. Actually, JP Losman is going to sign with the UFL instead of the NFL next season. Yeah, I know that’s the same sentence, but it’s hard enough to wrap my head around this situation as it is.

Never mind the fact that Losman probably earns enough money as a back-up in the NFL that he could potentially buy a majority stake in one of the UFL teams, he’s going to jump behind the helm of one. Respectability all around everyone! Nothing says “join us, Michael Vick” like having JP Losman on a roster.

Look, I’m all for more football. There’s a void in my life, my heart, my soul. The fooseball fills that emptiness. With the UFL my cup may very well floweth over. But, in reality, watching a second-rate product full of has-beens, wannabes and players that are too egotistical to keep a job as a back-up isn’t going to do the trick. The UFL is NFL Europe without the shiny mesh t-shirts and preponderance of hairy pitted women.

The point of the UFL in my mind is to be a type of training ground, a stepping stone to the NFL. It’s not going to be a competitor for ratings. It should not be a competitor for talent.

JP Losman, you disgusted me years ago when I fell for you one good game and picked you up off my fantasy football waiver wire. Now you’ve gone and done did it again. Damn you.

On to your Houston sports updates:

June 12th Houston Sports FaF Smear (and John Daly)

I came to L.A. to make rock n’ roll.  Along the way I had to sell my soul.

Show us your tits!

John Daly is an everyman’s hero.  I have no problem stating that in print.  Say it to yourself or scream it from the roof tops, “John Daly is my hero.”

As I write this, Daly is in the middle of his second round at the St. Jude Classic after shooting a 72 in the opening round.  Don’t call it a comeback… yet.  In fact, it may not be a comeback at all.  This is a whole new Daly.  Same gut, same swing, same smoke slowly exhaling as he walks the course, but definitely a whole new look.

We can all relate to a man that gets drunk and passes out at Hooters.  Who hasn’t been there before?  Who doesn’t want to pass out in hooters.  They’re so warm and cozy and pillowy… wait, what are we talking about again?  Oh, John Daly, that’s right.

Fourth and Fifty fully throws our support behind this giant among caddies.  Good luck, this afternoon, John.

In other news and reminders:

• Lakers over Magic last night in the most exciting game of the series.  I was really hoping that Pau Gasol would have taken a swing at Pietrus at the end of the game.  That was a cheap foul for no reason.
• Game Seven of the Stanley Cup Final is tonight.  Win and the cup is your personal goblet for a day.  Lose and let the ice freeze your tears as they meet the surface.
• Eagles… You are idiots.  IDIOTS!!  I’m not saying that you need to ditch Donovan McNabb for Kevin Kolb (though I wouldn’t have minded) but, don’t restructure McNabb’s contract just for the sake of it when he has two years left.  Who is going to pay for the dent in my wall left from the D-cell I just threw?  Can I get $5.3M to repair the damage?

And now back to your regularly scheduled Houston sports updates:

Second Chances

Everyone deserves a second chance.  Sure maybe you might crash and burn all over again and people will say I told you so, but maybe something magical will happen instead (you do like magic don’t you?).  Maybe all of your wildest dreams will come true.  Everything will fall perfectly into place, and you will be glad you took the chance instead of wandering only WHAT IF?

D-D-D-Do You Have It?! GUTS!!: An Open Letter to Roger Goodell

Dear Rog,

Buddy, pal, amigo, we have to have a serious talk about this “Pro Bowl” thing that you insist on every year.  We know you didn’t start the tradition, but just think:  It could be your legacy to end it as we know it.  Screw all this “NFL players need to uphold the laws of the state off the field” thing.  That’s not very fun (fans like commissioners that are fun).  Everyone loves a good Pacman Jones story.  Leave that be.  Let Michael Vick’s sleeping dogs lie.  Let’s change the Pro Bowl instead.

We hear you’re talking about moving it from Hawai’i?  Possibly putting it the week before the Super Bowl?  Roggy-Rog, you don’t have to do any of that.  We’ll just change the format a little bit.  Let us help you out.  You can hire us for a fee, but we’ll give you a little tasterooni of what’s to come.  We’re just spit-ballin’ here… Let’s see what sticks.  Brilliance is about to ensue: