D-D-D-Do You Have It?! GUTS!!: An Open Letter to Roger Goodell

Dear Rog,

Buddy, pal, amigo, we have to have a serious talk about this “Pro Bowl” thing that you insist on every year.  We know you didn’t start the tradition, but just think:  It could be your legacy to end it as we know it.  Screw all this “NFL players need to uphold the laws of the state off the field” thing.  That’s not very fun (fans like commissioners that are fun).  Everyone loves a good Pacman Jones story.  Leave that be.  Let Michael Vick’s sleeping dogs lie.  Let’s change the Pro Bowl instead.

We hear you’re talking about moving it from Hawai’i?  Possibly putting it the week before the Super Bowl?  Roggy-Rog, you don’t have to do any of that.  We’ll just change the format a little bit.  Let us help you out.  You can hire us for a fee, but we’ll give you a little tasterooni of what’s to come.  We’re just spit-ballin’ here… Let’s see what sticks.  Brilliance is about to ensue: 

You know what’s all the rage right now?  Retro.  Did you know that?  We didn’t think so.  Do you know who came up with the idea to have “throwback” jerseys?  Not us, but they were a genius for sure.  This 80’s nonsense has got to be played out by now.  We’re knee-deep in the 2000’s now.  Let’s bleed the 90’s for some nostalgia.  You know what we think of when it comes to the 90’s?  Sure, hammer pants and slap bracelets and Pogs!  We think of the WWF and the American Gladiators.  Unfortunately the WWF changed it’s name to a more homo-planet-friendly WWE and is choc-full-a roids (something we hear you want to get away from).  American Gladiators already tried (and nearly succeeded) with a comeback.  That leaves only one thing…

GUTS!  Think about R-Good.  It’s genius.  We know you think it’s genius.  Let us spell it out for you:

1 – No contact injuries possible.
2 – Some of your players probably grew up wishing for a chance to be on the show as a kid.  Fulfill their dream now!
3 – Mike O’Maley’s nicknames make Berman’s sound like Hemingway.
4 – Who doesn’t want to see Devin Hester v. Dominque Rogers-Cromartie v. Donnie Avery in a Moon Shoes race (well, maybe not DA, but this is my idea… I get one request)?
5 – Mo was kind of a fox.  Don’t you think you owe it to America to check up on her?
6 – Killer Unis = Merchandise Revenue
7 – “A Glowing Piece of the Crag” is a way better prize than the Lombardi Trophy.
8 – They use Instant Replay on EVERYTHING.  You’ll never get bitching about getting a call wrong.
9 – Football isn’t an Olympic sport.  Your guys will never know what it’s like to taste Olympic gold.  Let them taste GUTS! Gold.
10 – We’re pretty sure that Mike O’Maley still needs a job.
BONUS (this is a freebie Rog):
11 – By far the best tag line for a show EVER.  D-D-D-Do you have it?! GUTS!

These are just a couple of reasons.  We’ve got a ton more where that came from.  You need something different?  We’ve got that covered too.  We’re an untapped resource over here Commish.  It’s in your hands… but, if it were in Fourth and Fifty’s hands?  Those are the best, most awesome, damn hands to be in.  Give us a ring RDawg.  We got your back.

Peace,

Fourth and Fifty

P.S. – Look at this thing.  Just look at it, it’s beautiful:

– Septimus Rex

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