A Coogfans post Fire Joe Morgan style

Coogfans.... more like Coogfags

54 posts this site

Bahbuttons… What a cute name, and you only have 54 posts. What a noob! You are only 4,946 posts away from being taken seriously.

“Let’s try to pack the stands this year.” I think I just lost brain cells reading that. In fact, if I don’t get into medical school this year, I am blaming Coogfans for the countless brain cells I have lost reading statements like that.

“I would love to see a packed house every home game and not just the big ones.” Are you fucking kidding me? You are so fucking novel. Can you take over for Mack Rhoades as athletic director please? I can’t believe no one has ever thought to do that before. What’s the next step after that, “Let’s try to win all of our games this year?”

“We are a nationally ranked team and when we are shown on tv it would awesome for viewers to see and to hear the roar of the crowd backing our Coogs and Keenum’s Heisman run. “ Hey everyone, what if we all got together before the games this year and cooked food and had some beers, wouldn’t that be fun?

“The louder we are the more pumped the players get. “Did you know that it is customary to yell while your team is on defense to try to make the other offense mess up? WE SHOULD TOTALLY DO THAT!

“Let’s really support our Coogs this year and in the future. Bring a friend if you can and fill those stands.” Did you know that if we all brought one new friend to the game our attendance would double? THE MATH IS MIND BLOWING

“See you out there cheering my heart out.
My heart might literally stop from cheering too hard. I might die this year from cheering for the Coogs. My little heart is going to be so tired in December from cheering because I bought tickets to all the home games this year. Did you know that you can do that and sit in the same seats for each game?


The Smear 2/4/10: Sign the Dotted Line, Homie

Song of the Day: Queens of the Stone Age – “In the Fade”

I color my nails with White Out because I'm lonely.

Have at it, you heathens. I know you want to talk all about signing day and how much you’re looking forward to having the new recruiting class. Maybe you can throw in a couple of woulda-coulda-shoulda’s in reference to Jackson Jeffcoat signing with the Longhorns.

You’ve certainly already seen it, touched it, smelled it, tasted it… but here’s your list of 2010 Commits anyway (according to Scout.com).

The Cougars ended up ranked #54 by Scout.com (here) and #45 by Rivals.com (here), but they will always be #1 in our hearts. Right, boys?

With 12 of the 27 total recruits being on the defensive side of the ball, it looks like Sumlin is really trying to shore up the weakest part of the team. That’s good news. Considering the offensive powerhouse that is the Coogs, I would imagine it would be rather difficult to recruit kids with the “well, you’re going to get embarrassed at every practice. Then, on game day, you’re going to drop your pants around your ankles and take it like a man,” line.

Especially with the flight of coordinators away from the program, being able to maintain the high level of Commits through signing day is particularly a good sign. Then again, with Oklahoma State coming in with the #18 recruit class (or #31, depending who you ask), maybe Holgorsen didn’t need to do any Lane Kiffin-style pilfering.

So, there you go. I wrote a bunch of words to justify you writing a bunch of words in the comments section. Feel free to just skip the rest of this nonsense… BUT, IF YOU DO skip my next 300 words, you’re going to miss one of the all-time great commercials.

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Jan 28th Houston Sports FaF Smear

Song of the DayFruit Bats – “The Ruminant Band”

The State of the Union is Gangsta

My fellow FaFtonians, I stand in here today to tell you that the state of Fourth and Fifty is STRONG. We have more swagger than ever. There are more than five people that read this site daily. Three and a half people write for this display of internet genius semi-annually. We have staved off criticism, blazed our own trail, brought the forces of at least eleven different fan bases TO THEIR KNEES with inappropriate humor, cursing, and, most importantly, a healthy dose of dick/fart/whore jokes.

As you know, we just celebrated our one year anniversary. I tell you this. WE ARE NOT DONE! We will not be satisfied until the world cowers at the might of Fourth and Fifty. World domination… no, INTERSTELLAR DOMINATION will be the only thing that will sate our thirst. We must keep our eyes on that prize. The internet is the ever expanding final frontier and we (all 12 of us) will conquer and establish our own brand of government… A government steeped in totalitarian theory, oppression, and bottom posting.

The leaders of nations have already approached me. They want us to have mercy. They want us to spare their young and powerless. The world trembles before our might like Haitians in an earthquake. We will not relent. There will be no remorse. We will prevail.

The spirit of FaF lives in each and every one of you. From crazy, head-butting, Chad to the unfortunate Dallasonian, OneTon to our favorite stalker, Big Hitter. Even the Rev. J. Dazzle shares the life-blood of Fourth and Fifty. We will march forth. We will bring our agenda of “pejorative falsehoods and sexual obscenities” to the rest of the world. We will make fun of Ken Hoffman, but when we do battle on the radio waves Pipez will not freeze up. We will attack the blob that is John Royal. We will demand that the Houston Press recognizes our fortitude. AND. WE. WILL. RULE. THIS. GALAXY.

May JBJ bless you. May he bless us all.

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1/18, 1/19, and 1/20 Houston Sports FaF Smears

Songs of the Days: Lonely Island – “Like a Boss”

Don't cry for me FaFentina

Awwwww, did you guys miss us? Did you think that we left you under the cover of night like the Colts from Baltimore? Trust me, we considered it. We’re coming up on our Anniversary for Fourth and Fifty and none of us have seen the payback that we expected. There has been no stacks of greenbacks. Katie Couric has not given us a call to do an expose on the founders. And the hos… well, there have been and always will be the hos. They just can’t give up the FaF lovin’, but that’s been true since the first day I unsheathed my pen(is).

It was just a little miscommunication that kept us from our loyal followers of the interwebz. Pipez neglected to mention he was going to suck at life for two days. Josh was too busy “being Josh.” And, Wanks MacGruber and Reginald Blackstone haven’t even read the site they helped form since early October. Such are the perils of swagtastic blogging.

If you were worried, we’re sorry. To comfort you in this time of need, you should know that JBJ is still up to his old tricks. Thank God he’s just not pulling them over here on FaF. Did you want to read a ridiculously long and uninformed review about Modern Warfare 2? I knew you were going to say “yes.” That’s why I’m linking it here. Looks like JBJ even stole my formula for numerous “ed. notes”… Hey, JBJ. When you’re the only writer, there is no editor. The whole muthafawkin’ thing is an ed. note. And, by the looks of it you have about 19 hundred words of editorial notes.

So we’re back in the swing of things once again. Just to catch you up: All is right with the world again as the Cowboys exited the playoffs this weekend. What’s an NFL offseason without an implosion in the Big D? Boring, that’s what it is. The suicide rate in Wisconsin is about to spike come February when Favre wins the Super Bowl. If someone fulfills the outlandish, ego-fluffing, comments that he makes, can we even call it “hubris”, because Rex Ryan (after squeaking into the playoffs) is living up to the expectations only he could set. University of Texas fell to the curse of the #1 losing to Kansas State whom surprisingly have maintained a good team after the Marcus Beasley era. I did not see that one coming. And, I’m sure other sportsy-type stuff happened too, but whatever. All you guys are going to do is talk about the coogs in the comments. So, let’s move on.

You Houston sports updates await:

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1/15/10 Houston Sports FaF Smear

Song of the Day: The Raconteurs – “Carolina Drama

Balding is the new beautiful

Consider this your open forum Friday. You guys tend to hijack the masterful posts that I write anyway, unappreciative mofos.

So, here it is… Straight from the horse’s mouth (if you consider a sports radio host a horse):


Yeah. That just happened. Discuss.

1/14/09 Houston Sports FaF Smear

Song of the Day: The Kooks – “Always Where I Need to Be”

You made.... the Team of Love

Another spot opens in the college head coaching ranks and, guess who’s name gets thrown in the ring? Our very own Kevin Sumlin. That wasn’t tough to guess, was it?

With Lane Kiffin’s awesome throwing University of Tennessee to the wolves, the Vols are in need of someone for the top of their totem poll (… as am I, ladies…). For those of you keeping track at home that means Florida, Texas Tech, Cincinatti, Tennessee, Kansas… Dammit, I can’t even keep track anymore. Sumlin is the hottest shit since I ate JP’s chili at our tailgate.

I mean, I get it… but I don’t. Sumlin has been awesome for the University of Houston’s football program. He’s created order out of the chaos that Art Briles instituted. The offense has burgeoned. The defense has gone from really, really, really shitty to just really shitty. The University and its supporters are genuinely excited for each season. These are all great things. But he hasn’t even brought a C-USA Championship to the program. This is basically to say I understand why Sumlin’s “hot shit” but there’s no reason for him to be “THE shit” just yet.

There is one thing to give K-Sum credit for relative to the rest of the fickle crowd of coaches. He said he wants to be in Houston and he’s stuck by that statement. That means a lot in this day and age. Especially since some of the names that are being thrown around lately are programs that can throw a lot more jack at Sumlin… not to mention prestige, power, state-wide noteriety, national TV time… Yeah, if I were to have the kind of options that he’s got right now I would have probably been long gone.

So, here’s the the mighty Bachelor, Kevin Sumlin. Thanks for sticking around… maybe. If you do, or something. Don’t leave. We all know you still have a lot to prove at the helm of the Cougars and here’s to hoping that you’re not sticking around just to prove that and actually want to make this you destiny-seeking dynasty.

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1/6/09 Houston Sports FaF Smear

Albums of the Year: The Loop Scoop’s Albums of 2009 (yes, I’m still cheating on FaF)

Air tastes yum yum.

Oh, Mark Cuban, you’re such an adorable little brat. You’re like that rich kid back in elementary school that had that awesome Nerf football with the whistles in it, forcing the other kids to let you play just because of your equipment. In the end, you just ended up sitting on the sideline or playing the offensive line. That O-Line was worthless to, you know why? Because of the “5 Mississippi” rule. Everybody knows that rule IS the O-Line in playground football, you cad.

Instead of bitching about David Stern or the NBA refs or at Fox for cancelling “The Benefactor” (or whatever that shitty show was called, Cubes has turned his attention to the Goliath of the sports world: The NFL. Sounds like a smart plan, right?

Everyone’s favorite owner has the NFL in his crosshairs because he’s pissed that the first Cowboy’s play-off game in a decade is scheduled the same day as the Mavericks’ contest against the Utah Jazz. Let me explain to you a little sumpin’ sumpin’, Mr. Cuban. With an 82 game season, it’s almost impossible for the NFL to schedule a game on a day that the NBA doesn’t have a game. On top of that, shouldn’t you be supporting the Cowboys as they try to end their decade-long jinx (not that any of us want “America’s Team” to win)?

But, in the end Mark Cuban’s passion for his team and his cause has proved to be an inspiration to many. Coming out of the woodwork are many attempting to take down the powers that be that are distracting the people from the Lord’s work (like the NBA?).  It’s almost heart-warming with that amount of umbrage that’s being thrown around:

– Jayson Williams takes issue with NYC’s program to have trees lining the roadside.
– Transistor Radios are mad at Television for stealing all their glory with 3D programming.
– Polar Ice Caps are taking issue with the Sun and Atmosphere for existing.
– OJ Simpson has filed a complaint that someone killed his wife.
– Tiger Woods is speaking out against all the beautiful poontang that follows the PGA circuit.
– AIDS victims in Africa are filling suit against the rest of the world… for not having AIDS and not living in a third-world country.

Only good can come of this. Thanks, Cubes for showing the world that the unavoidable atrocities of life can ultimately be held accountable.

On to your Houston sports updates:

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