Sports FAIL

At some point, I’ll get back to writing, you know, content.  Until then…

Layup FAIL

Stormtrooper FAIL

Civil Rights FAIL

Proper Perv Technique FAIL

Fellatio FAIL

Continue reading

Jan 26 Houston Sports FaF Smear

Song of the Day: Like anyone besides Pipez and Rex cares. Hey, look at how hip and unaffected I am – I care about crappy bands that will never make it (because they suck)! You know who doesn’t suck? Not Rex.

Brett Fav-re!  Brett Fav-re!  Brett Fav-re!  What a few weeks. I actually stopped hating him* during the Dallas game because he was so incredible (twss, and by “s” I mean your mom, and “s” was referring to me). I also felt bad for the exorcism pouding he took from the Saints. It was a strange feeling I had, like empathy wrapped in a bbq potato topped with nerds rope. Because that’s what was in my stomach at the time. And then he went and Brett Fav-red the whole thing up with that classic INT. It’s sad. It’s like when fat chicks try to get away with being fat, even though it’s totally against the law. You feel bad for them, but you’re a law-abiding citizen and you hope those criminals don’t eat you.

*I really do hate him, but don’t know why – he’s self-serving and whiny and an attention whore, but then again I write for a blog and you read a blog and then bottom post some inane crap about where high school seniors are going to matriculate. So we don’t really have any room to talk. It’s not Brett Fav-re’s fault ESPN wants to have sexual relations with him, or that a lot of companies want to pay him a lot of money to endorse their products. You wouldn’t say no to this, either. Oneton has an endorsement deal with Depends, and Chad rocks the Vagasil even though their corporate office call-blocked him. So why do we hate on Brett Fav-re for getting free Wranglers for the rest of his life? We hate him because we are jaded and feel strangely compelled to hate on something. It’s a symbiotic relationship and says more about us than about him. I’m guilty, too, of hating him with no good reason. Not that has ever stopped any of us before. Screw that guy. Motherscrewer.

On a related note, you remember the scene in The Rock where Nic Cage goes diving for the green bombs as they roll off the edge of the cliff, threatening to destroy everything in a hundred mile radius (2:48 of the clip below)? If we got to choose people to not catch the green bombs (think like jury selection), Adrian Peterson would be my number one choice. Here is a collection of The Life and Fumbles of AD. And if you need a primer on The Rock, well then…

I should probably talk about Houston Sports now…

Continue reading

Jan 11 Houston Sports Daily FaF Smear (NFL Playoffs Remix)

Song of the day: Press Hop Playoffs Remix

Playoffs? Playoffs? Playoffs? Who wants a recap of the weekend’s football? Get it, Aaron Rodgers? Football!  Foot ball!!! Here you go!!!

What, the coffin fail wasn’t enough analysyzinging for you? /ingrates. That video was actually the best analysis one could hope for. Excepting the Cards and Pack, the weekend was full of competitive fail, starting early on Thursday with Gs Up, Horns Down. But this Smear shall be about professional footballing, not burnt orange bloodletting.

Caution: This isn’t going to be brief, so go ahead and get a cup of coffee, go to the bathroom, make sure you don’t have any meetings in the next 2 hours, etc… You’ve been fairly warned.

Side Note of Personal Privilege: The NFL Playoffs are a special time to the Random Family.  The Random Baby was born 2 days before the last Super Bowl, which we watched from her hospital room at the Women’s Hospital of Texas, which true to name does have a lot of women. If you’ll indulge me with 2 “then and now” pics, and then we can get on to the motherlovery. Thanks.

Then...

Now!!!

Cards at Packers: Holy crap, that was the crazyassest thing I ever done see. Starting with Aaron Rodgers throwing one little pass to his brother from another mother, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, it looked like the game was going nowhere fast, but ended up going fastwhere fast, knowhatimsayin? There are too many things to analyze, so I’ll analyze none of them and instead in homage to Rex making overcomplicated dumb nicknames ala Chris Berman, I’ll make overcomplicated dumbass nicknames. Kurt “Time” Warner “Brothers” had the best game anyone could expect from God’s chosen son. The news about him possibly retiring isn’t surprising, given that God’s other son, Tim Tebow, is coming in the league next year. This is just like the plot of Little Nicky. Or Highlander.

There can be only one (son of YHWH).

Aaron Carter Rodgers had himself a fine game besides the 1st and 5th quarters, too. Steve “My” Breaston”Brings All the Boys to the Yard” was supposed to be the guy who stepped up in the absence of Avon Barksdale Anquan Boldin, but instead Early Doucet kept his pimp hand strong with 2 first half TDs. I’d make up a name for Early if he didn’t sound like a gunslinger from Deadwood. Hey Early, 1789 called – they want their name back! Lolololololol. I also don’t have a name for Darnel Docket, but just know that he goes on the list of “guys I least want The Random Baby to date in 2030”. That list looks a little something like this:

Continue reading

1.1.10 Houston Sports FaF Smear (Coogs Undefeated in 2010!)

The Award Winning Fourth and Fifty is not here to talk about the past

This pic is soooo 2009

That picture is so 2009. Don’t make me link to the Moveon poster. Too late. General Petraeus or General Betray-the-Coogs?

What happened yesterday yesteryear is inconsequential. The important thing is – breaking news, broken here first! – The University of Houston Men’s Football Team is undefeated in 2010! Our sterling record of 0-0 gives us an unfathomable winning percentage of infinity. Beat that, BCS!

Houston Sports Updates…

Continue reading

I DO sportz!

Sports, I choo choo choose you!

Umm, while you're down there...

Umm, while you're down there...

The song of the day is Onyx’s Slam. Because what we’re going to talk about today involves:

  1. slamming and
  2. letting boys be boys

But first, we haven’t had a TRG Tangent yet in this post, and I’m about to get in trouble from my sponsors.  In my head. That I wish I had in real life.   I’m cleaning up my act again – no cursing and keeping all jokes to PG-13 – in case a venture capitalist ever happens across our humble blog and decides to give us shfifty five billionty dollars to go big timez.  I’ve also changed my name because the Sports Guy thing was wearing thin 5 months ago and this way, if my boss ever found out I was blogging, she wouldn’t be able to easily go back and say, “what is wrong with you, child?”   She would instead say “I don’t get this blogging thing at all, but I’m not worried about our brand because you keep it pretty clean.”  Yes, my boss may or may not be Chad OchoCinco.  So I’m changed my name to, well, my real name – Josh Being Josh.  Let’s hope she doesn’t follow the bread crumbs and read this post specifically.

Back to slamming and such, Pipez and I started submission wrestling a few weeks ago at a gym out in Pearland.  We both almost puked, but the natural euphoria that came after we were done was like a runners high times 10. Plus almost every submission wrestler/BJJ practitioner I’ve met has been a super laid back, super cool dude.  The sport lends itself to not being a meathead.  The same cannot be said about many other sports, including cycling – those guys are primadonnas like you wouldn’t believe.  Every BJJ guy is nice, humble but confident, friendly, etc.  I can’t overstate how important this is when a 285 guy is laying on top of you trying to choke you.  The closest thing I can figure is:

  1. The sport is between two people, and it is intimate in a very masculine way – you can’t be a primadonna and still easily find guys that give you their time to roll with you.  Sports you can practice by yourself tend to appeal to (or create?) egocentricity.  Sports that are wholly reliant on a partner foster competitive cooperation.
  2. You’re too exhausted to be a dick.

Here is another thing – the mind does some very interesting things when the body is physically overloaded.  Sometimes it shuts down to focus on basic motor skills, and other times it seems to tap into parts of the brain typically dormant.  I’ve had a problem at work for 3 months that I’ve been losing sleep over.  I’d been circling around an answer for weeks but couldn’t see it.  The answer appeared in front of me 30 min after I got home from the class – the answer was just waiting for me like Ralph Wiggum waiting for a valentine’s day card.  It choo choo chose me?

Here are some basics for your meatheads:

Continue reading

Fourth and Fifty Sweeps Houston Blog Awards!

I’m live blogging from the FaFfies (the Houston Blog Awards) and I’m super excited to report that we just swept all 3 categories! I’m sure “FaFfie” is an acronym for something but can’t remember what, being victoriously jubilant and all.  Scoreboard, all other Houston blogs!  I’m more self-righteous than Kanye West right now. We just won:

Best New Blog of Houston, 2009

Best Houston Sports Blog, 2009

Excellence in New Media Journalism, 2009

Don’t call it a dynasty; we just got here.  Onepeat!  Here is a picture of Rex accepting the Excellence in New Media Journalism award on behalf of all 5.5 of us:

Flames = Scoreboard!

More to come later. JBJ Out!!!

Top 25 Sports Moments of the Decade (so far)

This image is as old as the guy that did the top 25 list (below).

 

Ed Note – Hey!  This is the first time I’ve ever done an editor’s note!  Scoreboard, snitches!  Allow myself to introduce… myself to introduce… Bill S. Liston, Esquire.  Bill loves lists, and he is a doctor in RL – a doctor of jurisprudence.  Being as such and the like, his lists are measured, thoughful, and nuanced.  Perfect for us to stomp a mud hole in.  What?  What? What? (I just cracked open two beers and extended my middle fingers in the air.)

Without further ado, here are Bill S. Liston Esquire’s Lists of Jurisprudence. WHAT?

Top 25 Sports Moments of the Decade (Ed Note – the decade doesn’t actually end for another year, but if you want to pander to folks with IQs of 75 or lower, feel free to do the list.  WHAT?)

25. Rise of UFC– Holyfield/Lewis I killed boxing in the late 90’s. This decade saw the dawn of its replacement. I’m not a huge fan of the sport, but its impact and growth is impressive. I think they need to get away from the rolling on the floor wrestling, and I might come around.

Sure – take the fastest growing sport on the planet and put it at #25.  UFC is disrespected like Mr. Tough Guy thinks the Coogs are disrespected.  Tremendously.  List is off to a very bad start.

24. Yankees Threepeat– The decade began with the last leg of the Yankee threepeat, and ended with their latest title. The 2000 title should be respected because very few teams have the chutzpah to go back to back to back.

By “chutzpah”, I hope you mean “eleventy billionty dollars”.  Fortune favors the rich, not the bold.  Baseball is the worst amalgamation of capitalism, socialism, and donkey procreation all rolled into one.  That’s like saying “the Lamas kids have the chutzpah to do reality TV”.  No, they are effed up and have an effed up semi-famous dad.  This list is going nowhere fast.

23. Peyton Avoids the “Marino Taint”– Manning wins the Super Bowl and his reputation changes overnight. He goes from being the “numbers guy” to being talked about as possibly the greatest QB ever. Brady has three rings, but Peyton seems to have taken the mantle simply by virtue of his one.

Or how about the primacy effect?  Peyton won his ring 5 minutes ago.  Let’s see if he doesn’t win another for the rest of his career if we don’t start double second guessing him.  Kevin Kolb is the greatest QB ever.  

Continue reading