ESPN Announces that NBA Announces New Rule Before LeBron Announces Announcing

"I like it in the butthole. Seriously."

Fourth and Fifty has gained information ahead of the announcement of LeBron James’ choice of teams later tonight. Before the hour-long special – the LeBronathon if you will – the NBA and David Stern will reveal some crucial changes to help The King make up his mind. With the signs pointing to LeBron joining the Miami Heat to play along side Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade, Stern wanted to make sure to allow his youngest nova to flourish.

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The Smear 2/4/10: Sign the Dotted Line, Homie

Song of the Day: Queens of the Stone Age – “In the Fade”

I color my nails with White Out because I'm lonely.

Have at it, you heathens. I know you want to talk all about signing day and how much you’re looking forward to having the new recruiting class. Maybe you can throw in a couple of woulda-coulda-shoulda’s in reference to Jackson Jeffcoat signing with the Longhorns.

You’ve certainly already seen it, touched it, smelled it, tasted it… but here’s your list of 2010 Commits anyway (according to Scout.com).

The Cougars ended up ranked #54 by Scout.com (here) and #45 by Rivals.com (here), but they will always be #1 in our hearts. Right, boys?

With 12 of the 27 total recruits being on the defensive side of the ball, it looks like Sumlin is really trying to shore up the weakest part of the team. That’s good news. Considering the offensive powerhouse that is the Coogs, I would imagine it would be rather difficult to recruit kids with the “well, you’re going to get embarrassed at every practice. Then, on game day, you’re going to drop your pants around your ankles and take it like a man,” line.

Especially with the flight of coordinators away from the program, being able to maintain the high level of Commits through signing day is particularly a good sign. Then again, with Oklahoma State coming in with the #18 recruit class (or #31, depending who you ask), maybe Holgorsen didn’t need to do any Lane Kiffin-style pilfering.

So, there you go. I wrote a bunch of words to justify you writing a bunch of words in the comments section. Feel free to just skip the rest of this nonsense… BUT, IF YOU DO skip my next 300 words, you’re going to miss one of the all-time great commercials.

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Jan 28th Houston Sports FaF Smear

Song of the DayFruit Bats – “The Ruminant Band”

The State of the Union is Gangsta

My fellow FaFtonians, I stand in here today to tell you that the state of Fourth and Fifty is STRONG. We have more swagger than ever. There are more than five people that read this site daily. Three and a half people write for this display of internet genius semi-annually. We have staved off criticism, blazed our own trail, brought the forces of at least eleven different fan bases TO THEIR KNEES with inappropriate humor, cursing, and, most importantly, a healthy dose of dick/fart/whore jokes.

As you know, we just celebrated our one year anniversary. I tell you this. WE ARE NOT DONE! We will not be satisfied until the world cowers at the might of Fourth and Fifty. World domination… no, INTERSTELLAR DOMINATION will be the only thing that will sate our thirst. We must keep our eyes on that prize. The internet is the ever expanding final frontier and we (all 12 of us) will conquer and establish our own brand of government… A government steeped in totalitarian theory, oppression, and bottom posting.

The leaders of nations have already approached me. They want us to have mercy. They want us to spare their young and powerless. The world trembles before our might like Haitians in an earthquake. We will not relent. There will be no remorse. We will prevail.

The spirit of FaF lives in each and every one of you. From crazy, head-butting, Chad to the unfortunate Dallasonian, OneTon to our favorite stalker, Big Hitter. Even the Rev. J. Dazzle shares the life-blood of Fourth and Fifty. We will march forth. We will bring our agenda of “pejorative falsehoods and sexual obscenities” to the rest of the world. We will make fun of Ken Hoffman, but when we do battle on the radio waves Pipez will not freeze up. We will attack the blob that is John Royal. We will demand that the Houston Press recognizes our fortitude. AND. WE. WILL. RULE. THIS. GALAXY.

May JBJ bless you. May he bless us all.

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1/18, 1/19, and 1/20 Houston Sports FaF Smears

Songs of the Days: Lonely Island – “Like a Boss”

Don't cry for me FaFentina

Awwwww, did you guys miss us? Did you think that we left you under the cover of night like the Colts from Baltimore? Trust me, we considered it. We’re coming up on our Anniversary for Fourth and Fifty and none of us have seen the payback that we expected. There has been no stacks of greenbacks. Katie Couric has not given us a call to do an expose on the founders. And the hos… well, there have been and always will be the hos. They just can’t give up the FaF lovin’, but that’s been true since the first day I unsheathed my pen(is).

It was just a little miscommunication that kept us from our loyal followers of the interwebz. Pipez neglected to mention he was going to suck at life for two days. Josh was too busy “being Josh.” And, Wanks MacGruber and Reginald Blackstone haven’t even read the site they helped form since early October. Such are the perils of swagtastic blogging.

If you were worried, we’re sorry. To comfort you in this time of need, you should know that JBJ is still up to his old tricks. Thank God he’s just not pulling them over here on FaF. Did you want to read a ridiculously long and uninformed review about Modern Warfare 2? I knew you were going to say “yes.” That’s why I’m linking it here. Looks like JBJ even stole my formula for numerous “ed. notes”… Hey, JBJ. When you’re the only writer, there is no editor. The whole muthafawkin’ thing is an ed. note. And, by the looks of it you have about 19 hundred words of editorial notes.

So we’re back in the swing of things once again. Just to catch you up: All is right with the world again as the Cowboys exited the playoffs this weekend. What’s an NFL offseason without an implosion in the Big D? Boring, that’s what it is. The suicide rate in Wisconsin is about to spike come February when Favre wins the Super Bowl. If someone fulfills the outlandish, ego-fluffing, comments that he makes, can we even call it “hubris”, because Rex Ryan (after squeaking into the playoffs) is living up to the expectations only he could set. University of Texas fell to the curse of the #1 losing to Kansas State whom surprisingly have maintained a good team after the Marcus Beasley era. I did not see that one coming. And, I’m sure other sportsy-type stuff happened too, but whatever. All you guys are going to do is talk about the coogs in the comments. So, let’s move on.

You Houston sports updates await:

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1/14/09 Houston Sports FaF Smear

Song of the Day: The Kooks – “Always Where I Need to Be”

You made.... the Team of Love

Another spot opens in the college head coaching ranks and, guess who’s name gets thrown in the ring? Our very own Kevin Sumlin. That wasn’t tough to guess, was it?

With Lane Kiffin’s awesome throwing University of Tennessee to the wolves, the Vols are in need of someone for the top of their totem poll (… as am I, ladies…). For those of you keeping track at home that means Florida, Texas Tech, Cincinatti, Tennessee, Kansas… Dammit, I can’t even keep track anymore. Sumlin is the hottest shit since I ate JP’s chili at our tailgate.

I mean, I get it… but I don’t. Sumlin has been awesome for the University of Houston’s football program. He’s created order out of the chaos that Art Briles instituted. The offense has burgeoned. The defense has gone from really, really, really shitty to just really shitty. The University and its supporters are genuinely excited for each season. These are all great things. But he hasn’t even brought a C-USA Championship to the program. This is basically to say I understand why Sumlin’s “hot shit” but there’s no reason for him to be “THE shit” just yet.

There is one thing to give K-Sum credit for relative to the rest of the fickle crowd of coaches. He said he wants to be in Houston and he’s stuck by that statement. That means a lot in this day and age. Especially since some of the names that are being thrown around lately are programs that can throw a lot more jack at Sumlin… not to mention prestige, power, state-wide noteriety, national TV time… Yeah, if I were to have the kind of options that he’s got right now I would have probably been long gone.

So, here’s the the mighty Bachelor, Kevin Sumlin. Thanks for sticking around… maybe. If you do, or something. Don’t leave. We all know you still have a lot to prove at the helm of the Cougars and here’s to hoping that you’re not sticking around just to prove that and actually want to make this you destiny-seeking dynasty.

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1/12/10 Houston Sports FaF Smear

Song of the Day: Monsters of Folk – “Man Named Truth

I don't wish I was a professional athlete... Not at all...

Let’s get something out in the open. Mark McGwire’s admission that he took steroids doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter to the game of baseball. It doesn’t matter to the average fan. It doesn’t matter to the Hall of Fame. It doesn’t matter to life.

Tell me someone who cares right now… Seriously, give me one person who’s not a blowhard columnist, talking head on TV, or your grandpa who watched Golden Joe hit for 342 straight games (or whatever). I bet grandpa doesn’t even give a shit at this point. Hell, he’s probably been poppin’ prednizone for the last two decades. He’s a roid user! Somebody call the feds!! Get that man in front of a Congressional Hearing. He’s destroying the integrity of Octogenarians everywhere!

We already know that everyone has been juicing for the last umpteen years of professional baseball. Any power hitter… Every power hitter is a suspect, and at this point we usually just assume that he’s shooting himself in the ass (not that there’s anything wrong with that).  Canseco? User. McGwire? User. Sosa? User. Your mom? I used her.

You can’t sit back and act high and mighty because of any of this information. Who cares? They already got paid and we were the ones that paid them. We knew this was going on from the get go. Guys don’t explode like McGwire, Giambi, Sosa, Bonds, and all the rest of the baseball players-turned World’s Strongest Man. Shit, there were enough kids taking steroids in high school for this to be an obvious trend. And you know what? They got more chicks then you. Sure they beat the shit out of them during their weekly rages, but whatever. You were jealous, admit it.

A friend of mine brought up a good point a couple months back. Though, its context has nothing to do with steroids, baseball, sports, or anything related to this post it still seems relevant. I said something to the effect of “I just fucking hate people that buck the system,” so we’ll change “people” to “baseball players” and in this case “the system” is a “clean game of baseball.” The reply to me was “they’re not bucking the system. They’re using all the leeway that the system affords them.”

So, guess what. That’s exactly how it goes in the case of the MLB vs. Steroids. Can we just stop talking about it? Now that the “rules” are now in place let’s move on and prosecute/persecute as we move forward. Who cares about Mark McGwire? Nobody.

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Jan 11 Houston Sports Daily FaF Smear (NFL Playoffs Remix)

Song of the day: Press Hop Playoffs Remix

Playoffs? Playoffs? Playoffs? Who wants a recap of the weekend’s football? Get it, Aaron Rodgers? Football!  Foot ball!!! Here you go!!!

What, the coffin fail wasn’t enough analysyzinging for you? /ingrates. That video was actually the best analysis one could hope for. Excepting the Cards and Pack, the weekend was full of competitive fail, starting early on Thursday with Gs Up, Horns Down. But this Smear shall be about professional footballing, not burnt orange bloodletting.

Caution: This isn’t going to be brief, so go ahead and get a cup of coffee, go to the bathroom, make sure you don’t have any meetings in the next 2 hours, etc… You’ve been fairly warned.

Side Note of Personal Privilege: The NFL Playoffs are a special time to the Random Family.  The Random Baby was born 2 days before the last Super Bowl, which we watched from her hospital room at the Women’s Hospital of Texas, which true to name does have a lot of women. If you’ll indulge me with 2 “then and now” pics, and then we can get on to the motherlovery. Thanks.

Then...

Now!!!

Cards at Packers: Holy crap, that was the crazyassest thing I ever done see. Starting with Aaron Rodgers throwing one little pass to his brother from another mother, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, it looked like the game was going nowhere fast, but ended up going fastwhere fast, knowhatimsayin? There are too many things to analyze, so I’ll analyze none of them and instead in homage to Rex making overcomplicated dumb nicknames ala Chris Berman, I’ll make overcomplicated dumbass nicknames. Kurt “Time” Warner “Brothers” had the best game anyone could expect from God’s chosen son. The news about him possibly retiring isn’t surprising, given that God’s other son, Tim Tebow, is coming in the league next year. This is just like the plot of Little Nicky. Or Highlander.

There can be only one (son of YHWH).

Aaron Carter Rodgers had himself a fine game besides the 1st and 5th quarters, too. Steve “My” Breaston”Brings All the Boys to the Yard” was supposed to be the guy who stepped up in the absence of Avon Barksdale Anquan Boldin, but instead Early Doucet kept his pimp hand strong with 2 first half TDs. I’d make up a name for Early if he didn’t sound like a gunslinger from Deadwood. Hey Early, 1789 called – they want their name back! Lolololololol. I also don’t have a name for Darnel Docket, but just know that he goes on the list of “guys I least want The Random Baby to date in 2030”. That list looks a little something like this:

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