Houston Sports FaF Smear (7/27/10)

SOTD –  “Homecoming” The Teenagers

Aren't you supposed to schedule a homecoming opponent you can beat?

Well, Rice decided to make UH their homecoming game, isn’t that special. I guess they felt that they needed more motivation to play in the game this year besides the bayou bucket, and their 73-14 embarrassment last year. I mean they put up less effort than Northwestern St. a FCS school. They sure didn’t live up to their slogan “Fight, never die.” Also, Coach David Bailiff probably needed to rethink where he put the phrase “ball security” on their shorts. Fail.

The balls are on the other side Rice

Anyways, there was a lot of rookie drama this past weekend in the NFL. First Dez Bryant refused to carry Roy Williams’ shoulder pads saying “Bitch, I’m here to take your job, you should carry my shit!”* Also, Ravens rookie Sergio “Amazon” Kindle fell down, not 1, but 2 flights of stairs…. That’s pretty impressive. Not many details have been released, but this is what we know about Sergio Kindle

  • He was arrested for DUI in college
  • He had a second mysterious single car accident where he drove into a wall.
  • His dad is named Johnny Walker… Seriously.

Finally, Maurice Clarrett has wised up and, after being released from prison, he found the one place it is acceptable to carry booze around with you at all times (like he did at Bronco’s training camp). COLLEGE! That’s right, he has enrolled in fall classes at Ohio State. Also, in an unrelated story, Ohio State has a new walk-on running back named Claurice Marrett.

Here are your Houston sports updates. Let’s check it out.

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Houston Sports FaF Smear (7/26/10)

SOTD – “Doin Time” Sublime

UH pwns Rice!

It’s the doldrums of summer. Luckily this year we had the World Cup for the beginning of the summer. Now it’s all baseball all the time. Even ESPN is bored with baseball and had a front page picture of cycling, or at least that’s what I think it was since I can’t read. However, UH is still pwning Rice even in the offseason, according to the Chron. They’ve mailed in Rice’s homepage so bad that they’ve now started reporting more UH stuff.

However, fear not people, NFL training camps start this week. This means 2 things. 1) We will have something to talk about. 2) We can officially start researching fantasy football draft info. Hell I scheduled finishing my medical school applications around being finished in time to put 100% in to my fantasy football drafts. (That way I didn’t accidently submit a mock draft as an essay explaining what contribution I would make to the field of medicine).

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Houston Sports Lebron Smear (7/9/10)

SOTD – “Mr. Pitiful” Matt Costa

Traitor is spelled L-E-B-R-O-N in Cleveland

First of all, out of respect to Cavs owner Dan Gilbert, the rest of this post will be written in comic sans.

“The Decision” has been made, and unfortunately we were all witnesses last night. I have no dog in this fight since my 2 teams (Spurs and Rockets) were unaffected, but as an innocent bystander, I think the big loser is Lebron. I have family in the Miami area, so first I put myself in their shoes, which made me feel excited and kinda dirty, which is oddly appropriate since that is about how you feel any time you are actually in Miami. But, I couldn’t help but sympathize with the Cavs fans, since I was 15 in San Antonio when Tim Duncan was a young free agent. The HEB by my house, which he shopped at, hired a crane for 2 weeks to fly a “Stay Tim Stay” flag. Luckily for us he stayed and we won 3 more championships.

Ugh… that’s enough Comic Sans…. However, as a third party, Lebron’s choice says the following things to me:

 First, he doesn’t have the mental and testicular fortitude to put a team on his back and win a championship like his idle MJ. Before now, a younger superstar might have look to some past their prime veterans for the experience to help them win their first title, but never has a younger superstar had to join his peer or competitor to help. This was ok for the aging trio of Allen, Pierce and KG because their window was closing. If Lebron wants to be known as the best of his era, he needs to have the most titles, and as of right now he will be D-Wade -1. This isn’t something a dominant competitive player would do. MJ and Kobe are too obsessed with proving they are better than EVERYONE including their own teammates, and that’s what makes people respect them even more. Everyone likes someone who has a killer instinct and can SINGLE HANDEDLY crush the competition and rip their heart out. In my opinion, Lebron just made Kobe more likeable (yuck!).

Second, Lebron told the owners that it’s not ok for you to collude behind the players’ backs, but it is ok for the players to collude behind the owners backs.

Lebron is no “hero” for taking less money to play with D-Wade and Bosh. Maybe if he were taking less money to stay with the Cavs so they could pay some better players. Taking less money to play on another team is not something alpha dog players do. It is something other players do to play with the alpha dogs. This basically maginfies the big FUCK YOU he gave to Cleveland, whose main export is depression.

Finally, Lebron James is all that is wrong and evil about professional sports. As I argued earlier, we want to see fearless killers on the field of play in any sport, the hunger to win a title no matter who is on your team and what kind of underdog you are. Lebron just proved he just wants to win without working very hard at it, while being on a team with his friends, in a location where he can party all the time. Wait, all that sounds right up FaF’s alley… WHERE CAN I GET A LEBRON HEAT JERSEY?!

On to your Houston Sports Updates:

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Houston Sports FaF Smear (7/7/10)

SOTD – “Where Are You Going” Dave Matthews Band

We lost the Bosh sweepstakes

Daryl Morey, I owe you a gallon of your favorite ice cream. ESPN is reporting that Chris Bosh will be signing with the Miami Heat. Hmmm…. Guess who predicted that Bosh would pick Miami? All 3 of you who read that post should be in awe of my psychic powers. Everyone else, back away from the ledge, Morey insists he has 5 other contingency plans.

Not to be outdone, Lebron has reserved an hour of air time on ESPN tomorrow to announce his decision on live TV. Apparently Lebron has to make up for not being a major college football recruit. I hope he is sitting at his old high school gym with hats from each of the teams he is considering. Either way, I’m sure he will be very ambiguous for about 80% of the conference to try to build suspense, and then he will choose the Cavs and everyone will be underwhelmed.

Hey Lebron, 9 people other than sports media are going to be watching your cries for attention tomorrow. Just freaking sign a deal and have a normal press conference like everyone else. You aren’t going to win more than 6 titles and become the best ever. Go back to Cleveland, and get to the finals and try not to get demolished like last time.

Also, Delonte West told me to tell you what he did last night.

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Houston Sports FaF Smear (7/6/10)

SOTD – “Sippin on Some Syrup” Three Six Mafia

JaMarcus needs to slow his roll

Apparently, JaMarcus Russell needs to slow his roll, because the life of an NFL flame out is too fast. I guess that’s why he was busted for having that sizzurp, or purple drank if you will, this weekend. To be honest, I’m going to give JaMarcus the benefit of the doubt here. I think that this was an honest attempt to change for the better and prove that he belongs in the NFL. My reasoning is that he probably thought that the “sizzurp” slows your “rolls” not roll. So maybe he was just confused and thought he was taking an appetite suppressant.

In other news, Amare Stoudamire signed with the New York Knicks. I guess the Knicks felt empty without paying max money to a roll player at best. Sure, sure, some of you will throw statistics in my face, but let’s face it, when given the chance to sign a veteran free agent that has had injury problems, including microfracture surgery, to a long-term max contract you should do it right? Everyone, wants an aging overpaid injury prone star in 4 years with a few years remaining on their contract, right T-Mac? Let’s not forget that D’Antoni’s exit from Phoenix was directly related to Amare’s unhappiness (which he immediately regretted when playing for Terry Porter). Now, once all the other big free agents sign elsewhere, let’s see which roll player the Knicks decide is worth a max deal. At least they still have first round draft picks…. Wait, I hear Daryl Morey saying “All your base are belong to us.”

On to your Houston updates:

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Houston Sports FaF Smear (7/1/10)

SOTD – “Citizens of Tomorrow” Tokyo Police Club

NBA Free agent season started last night at midnight, and Daryl Morey got the first crack at convincing Chris Bosh where to to sign. Daryl’s key tactic was a personalized Chris Bosh iPad. My guess is that it was a regular iPad dressed in a cowboy hat, denim jacket, and leather vest.

Also, Morey, known for being good with numbers, miscalculated Bosh’s location by 1,300 miles when he sent a “caravan of fans” to greet Bosh in Miami. Except the Texas native was in Dallas. I just hope that was a SAM (yeah middle school math jargon!), and not a sign of his real math skills.

I will say that I think it is unlikely that we end up with Chris Bosh, and I will buy Daryl Morey a gallon of his favorite ice cream to eat out of the carton in his pajamas while watching a marathon of netflix movies when the Rockets get rejected for a younger sexier team.

In fact, I would say that the Rockets are the “Cougar” of the teams pursuing Bosh. Not quite the sexiest we have been, our star player is a little older and injury prone, but we have some good assets and we may have a few tricks up our sleeve other younger teams haven’t learned yet.

Unfortunately, we will still probably get left in the cold for a team with a bigger name marquee player, and a city with better night life (not that Houston is bad). I predict Miami, but that probably means it will be Chicago or New York. A twenty something millionaire isn’t convinced by things like “no state income tax” and “lower cost of living.”

For the 3 of you still reading, here’s what else is going on. And by that I mean here’s some filler crap about teams you actually care about. Continue reading

Houston Sports FaF Smear (6/30/10)

SOTD –“Big Black Furry Creature From Mars” Phish

The new reason I will get kicked out of sporting events

Sorry for the lapse in posting, some of us have real jobs you know… But, I am glad to see that some of the old bottom posters have returned to the site.

I do want to say that I’m glad that my life can return to normal sans soccer, now that the USA is out of the world cup. I did enjoy the fun while it lasted, because it’s still more exciting than baseball. However, much like visiting a foreign country, I was ready to return home to American sports that score points, and have commercials so I can get up and pee.

The 2010 World Cup did leave its mark on me though, with my new red vuvuzela that will last probably all of 37 minutes of the first UH game I bring it to. You can guarantee that I will wreck havoc on opposing offenses as they approach my section on about the 10 yard line. My goal is to be responsible for one goal line stand and one safety, purely based on the loud annoying buzz, and not the players or defensive scheme on the field. Because if it happens on the field while I am blowing my vuvuzela (no homo), then I must be the one responsible for the events.

However, I will not be using the following South African guide to proper vuvuzela usage:

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