12/29/09 Houston Sports FaF Smear

Song of the Day: Dr. Dog – “The Breeze”

Who you got?

In the red corner we have the ever quotable, college football prophet, Mike Leach. The man behind “fat little girlfriends” and taking your lady to a coffeeshop to laugh at the interesting people that walk in [read: Hipsters]. He of terrific system quarterbacks in college that fail to produce in the NFL and raising cry-baby wide receivers that try to sit out a season because the team won’t pay them more than those drafted in the spots ahead of them (because, that’s how it works, you see).

throw your hands in the air if you's a true playa

In the blue corner stands SMU demigod, former running back and half of the “Pony Express,” Craig James. The current ESPN analyst/meat-head is the last white player in NFL history to rush for more than 1,000 yards in a season (which is a pretty awesome little stat) and earned the nickname “The Great White Hope” (which is an awesome little racist nickname). He fights for the honor of his son, Adam James, who apparently can’t take a little concussion and may or may not be just a little bitch pissed off by his lack of playing time.

The Great White Hope?

So, basically we have a coach that’s known for his mouth as much as his on field strategy facing off against a high-profile daddy with a national voice. I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure we had a similar situation earlier this year only that time it was just a rich daddy that knew how to register a domain name and had an itch he needed to scratch 10,000 times on his keyboard. This could be ultimately more entertaining.

Basically, what I’m saying here is that it’s unAmerican to not stand behind Leach on this one. What would we do if Leach is gone? Our Texas Tech Opponent Essentials next year would be essentially worthless. Nobody wants that. If Leach wants to make the entire team go sit in the shed while he makes snow angels in the nude at the 50 yard line and forces the team to watch, he should be allowed to do that. Tech, do the right thing and lift the suspension you’ve placed on this great man, a man of FREEDOM!

July 22nd Houston FaF Smear (and UFL “news”)

But you still read. I must admit, I don’t believe in it, but I see why you get sucked in.

Yep, this is going to work out.

With the above visual representation you might think that former Bills quarterback, JP Losman is going to sign with the UFL instead of the NFL next season. But, you would be wrong. Actually, JP Losman is going to sign with the UFL instead of the NFL next season. Yeah, I know that’s the same sentence, but it’s hard enough to wrap my head around this situation as it is.

Never mind the fact that Losman probably earns enough money as a back-up in the NFL that he could potentially buy a majority stake in one of the UFL teams, he’s going to jump behind the helm of one. Respectability all around everyone! Nothing says “join us, Michael Vick” like having JP Losman on a roster.

Look, I’m all for more football. There’s a void in my life, my heart, my soul. The fooseball fills that emptiness. With the UFL my cup may very well floweth over. But, in reality, watching a second-rate product full of has-beens, wannabes and players that are too egotistical to keep a job as a back-up isn’t going to do the trick. The UFL is NFL Europe without the shiny mesh t-shirts and preponderance of hairy pitted women.

The point of the UFL in my mind is to be a type of training ground, a stepping stone to the NFL. It’s not going to be a competitor for ratings. It should not be a competitor for talent.

JP Losman, you disgusted me years ago when I fell for you one good game and picked you up off my fantasy football waiver wire. Now you’ve gone and done did it again. Damn you.

On to your Houston sports updates:

July 14th Houston Sports FaF Smear

Girl when I break you off, I promise you won’t want to get off.

The Mid-Summer Classic (before the classic)

That song up top is the 1996 classic, “Pony” by Ginuwine.  When THE Random Guy reads that sentence he just might spontaneously combust.  You might be asking yourself, “self, why the hell is a neo-hipster such as Septimus linking to a mid-90s classic R&B tune?”  Actually, you’re probably not.  But, I’m going to answer anyway: Because it’s the Legends & Celebrities Softball Game During All-Star Weekend!  [Every Single Word Must Be Capitalized!]

There are a couple things you may not know: 1) Ginuwine is utterly horrible at softball, 2) He was in the blockbuster hit “Juwanna Mann,” 3) Nelly is good at softball [and also makes TRG very excited when I link to his music] 4) The L&CSGDASW (see above paragraph) is infinitely more exciting then the home run derby and actual all-star game combined.

Maybe this all makes me a sucker for something that’s supposed to appeal to fans for no particular reason (“hey, look, I can field a fly ball better than Jenna Fischer“).  Perhaps I just fell for a marketing trap (For all your sporting needs you must shop at the Sports Authority and buy Nike products too!) but without a Josh Hamilton crushing red-seamed rockets out of Yankee Stadium the Home Run Derby was… well… blah.

Yay, Prince Fielder won… I think!  He’s fat and jolly just like Santa Claus… If Santa had a dragon tattoo crawling up his neck!

Let’s end the first half of the Smear with another tune to take you on through the rest:

It’s about time, second base wisdom rhyme. Hitting strong skipped third and heading home.

Now on to your Houston sports updates:

July 3rd Houston Sports FaF Smear (and WTF)

I will talk you back from the edge. I will be your turn your tide. Be your sheperd and your guide.

Besty best friends!!

Let me explain how my brain works (or in this case “doesn’t work”) from a day to day stand point.  I met some friends up at Cedar Creek in the Heights, so the obvious disclaimer here is that liquid inebriants were involved.  Still, what follows is a bit of dumbassery.

I’m was barely paying attention to the Women’s Wimbledon Semi-Finals.  Elena Dementieva seemed to have complete control over Serena Williams.  Every time I looked up it seemed like Serena was hobbling up and down the baseline, beaten in spirit, will and on the scoreboard.  Even though they were trading games in the final set I assumed it obvious that Dementieva would be the eventual winner.  As they walked off the court it seemed that was the result.

Sometime during that scintillating match, right after Serena was done bouncing her boobies for ESPN after winning a point, a game-break occured announcing that Ron Artest had signed a three-year deal.  SWEET!  A three-year deal!  That means that he has some inside information and Yao Ming is going to be back, everything is going to be perfect and we’re all going to be one big happy family.

Well, guess what?  Serena Williams will be part of another all-Williams sister major final.  And, (more importantly) Ron Artest didn’t sign a three year deal with the Rockets… HE SIGNED WITH THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS!!  He announced it live on SportsCenter!  He didn’t Tweet about it, let his agent actually finalize the deal or allow the team to announce in a press conference.  He circumvented everything and showed up in Bristol with a “So Gutta” hat on to announce his move.  Ridiculous.

The overall question is “why?”  Why would you do this Ron-Ron?  Lakers, are you serious?  This move makes no sense for you.  Daryl Morey, what are you going to do about it?  Oh, you’re going to sign Trevor Ariza?  Ok, I guess I can live with that.

Sheesh… on to your other Houston sports updates:

June 11th Houston Sports FaF Smear (and Bryan Clay)

The one where the new Dan and Dave lives in obscurity…

The World's Greatest Athlete. Recognize. Even if you don't (recognize him).

Remember Dan and Dave? How could you not? The decathletes hyped by Reebok and the quote unquote world’s greatest athletes. They were the hottest of hot pants in 1992. Then Dan didn’t make the olympic cut and people watched Dave halfheartedly, the other half of their heart being filled with sadness and tears. Watch this video, and remember:

One could make an interesting observation here about the similarities between the Dan/Dave hype and the Puppet LeBron/Kobe hype. In any case, the New York Times (the bastion of elite liberal godless media) had a great story about Bryan Clay, the gold medal decathlete and thusly owner of the world’s best athlete title. The Times makes a big deal about how normal his life is, and how strange that is considering the fleeting fame of Dan/Dave and the not-fleeting fame of Bruce Jenner, who has reinvented himself as a crazy father of entitled prima-donna promiscuous daughters. I don’t think it is strange considering I can only name two track athletes: Carl Lewis and Leeeerrrrooooy Burrell. In any case, Bryan Clay has the misfortune of a) it not being 1992 and b) not having a rival named Brandon or Braden. But he’s still the world’s greatest athlete. BTW, the “world’s greatest athlete” moniker came from King Gustav V of Sweden, who told Jim Thorpe “You, sir, are the world’s greatest athlete“, to which Thorpe replied “And you, sir, have a redundant V in your name. Pwnd!”.  I learned that on wikipedia.

On to your local Houston sports updates:

June 7th Houston Sports FaF Smear (and Two Days Off)

Yeah i miss the crush and I’m home again, stepping through the door with the night in store whiling just an hour away

Able to leap tall deficits in a single bound?

About 90% of me wants to go on strike.  I think it’s ridiculous that we have yet to see Game 2 of the NBA Finals.  Two rest days in between games one and two is just downright preposterous.

Why do I only get one day off between my Friday and Sunday Smear?  I’m doing this for free.  I’m not asking for millions of dollars in salary or endorsements (not yet, anyway).  We do this for the love of the game blog.

So, in lieu of that I’m phoning this one in.  Make your bets against Fourth and Fifty for this post.  I’ve already called my bookies and bet against our team.

Stupid NBA.  Play a game already.

On to your Houston sports updates:

May 31st Houston Sports FaF Smear (and Sad Owl)

You are just another white boy, thinking you’re so hard.  Take a step outside see what’s shakin’ in the real world.

Sad Owl iz sad.

Since the inception of this blog I can’t remember when we might have posted a picture of baseball.  Perhaps I’m just misremembering to make a point.  That point being that something outrageous happened yesterday in a baseball game that deserves top headline status…  The Owls LOST.

The Kansas State Wildcats handed the Rice Owls their first NCAA Regional LOSS in 14 games yesterday afternoon.  The Wildcats rallied behind the complete game pitching exposé by Humble alum A.J. Morris and UPSET top-seeded Rice 7-6.  Morris threw 144 pitches(!) in the win and survived the 9th inning donning of rally-caps by the Owls when they scored three runs and threatened to take the game away from K. State.

The LOSS moves the Owls down to the LOSERS bracket a place they haven’t been in five years.  Rice will be playing Xavier … well… about right now.  If they LOSE again hoping to avoid LOSING in the Regionals for the first time since 2004.

[Full story from someone who was actually at the game at the Chron]

On to the rest of your Houston sports updates: