Houston Sports FaF Smear (7/27/10)

SOTD –  “Homecoming” The Teenagers

Aren't you supposed to schedule a homecoming opponent you can beat?

Well, Rice decided to make UH their homecoming game, isn’t that special. I guess they felt that they needed more motivation to play in the game this year besides the bayou bucket, and their 73-14 embarrassment last year. I mean they put up less effort than Northwestern St. a FCS school. They sure didn’t live up to their slogan “Fight, never die.” Also, Coach David Bailiff probably needed to rethink where he put the phrase “ball security” on their shorts. Fail.

The balls are on the other side Rice

Anyways, there was a lot of rookie drama this past weekend in the NFL. First Dez Bryant refused to carry Roy Williams’ shoulder pads saying “Bitch, I’m here to take your job, you should carry my shit!”* Also, Ravens rookie Sergio “Amazon” Kindle fell down, not 1, but 2 flights of stairs…. That’s pretty impressive. Not many details have been released, but this is what we know about Sergio Kindle

  • He was arrested for DUI in college
  • He had a second mysterious single car accident where he drove into a wall.
  • His dad is named Johnny Walker… Seriously.

Finally, Maurice Clarrett has wised up and, after being released from prison, he found the one place it is acceptable to carry booze around with you at all times (like he did at Bronco’s training camp). COLLEGE! That’s right, he has enrolled in fall classes at Ohio State. Also, in an unrelated story, Ohio State has a new walk-on running back named Claurice Marrett.

Here are your Houston sports updates. Let’s check it out.

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2/15/10 Houston Sports FaF Smear

SOTD – “Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots (part 1)” The Flaming Lips

And we’re back. Sorry for the slacking and mis-communication. Direct all your complaints at Septimus Rex for “dropping his balls”… Whatever that means.

PPPP UUUUUU

PPPPP UUUUU

I was pleasantly surprised about how entertaining the olympics have been so far. I usually talk shit about the winter olympics, like I do about hockey and soccer. But after numerous speed skating and luge accidents, and something called moguls, I would call the winter olympics a success so far.

My one complaint is that it’s too cold. We need to find a way to perform these events in a climate that is more suitable for the women to wear bikinis like beach volleyball. I wanted to see some women compete in the moguls competition in bathing suits with limited support… bouncy bouncy bouncy!

Couldn’t SI do the winter olympic all bikini team in their swimsuit edition this month? I need to know who all the undercover hotties are in the winter olympics before they are covered up by layers of warm clothing!

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2/10/2010 Houston Sports FaF Smear

SOTD – “Mistaken for Strangers” The National

Just in case you didn’t see the end of the Superbowl, we have gotten the rights to show you the end of it. Too bad its not in High Def.

Speaking of high def, I will not get any work done today because I am excited that my weekly Costco trip is today. I love that store. I will spend no less than 10 minutes admiring their selections of flat screens, great prices, and fabulous warranties. The whole experience is exciting to me.

First, I like having to flash my card to get in. HOW EXCLUSIVE! I am in a club of only people that can spend 50 dollars on a membership to an oversized Target. Or if you are like me, and need to feel more exclusive you pay 100 dollars a year because you need to feel better than the low-lifes who can only afford 50 (or you just want cash back on all your purchases… whatever).

First thing you see when you get in BAM! flat screens. Generally cheaper than Best Buy too… and the best part? You don’t have some asshole begging you to waste your money on some extended warranty because they include that shit free of charge.

However, the real reason I love Costco (same with HEB) is because I am an aspiring fat person. I go there to eat pre-dinner and then dinner. My plan of attack at Costco is to walk around the store so that I hit every sample station, and that all the shit I need is at the end of my journey. It’s like a freaking gold mine! Cream puffs? DELICIOUS! Hummus with chips? OF COURSE! Crappy frozen tortilla soup? LOVE IT! However, the key is to grab the sample without making eye-contact so they know you are only interested in free food. I ONLY CAME HERE FOR A CASE OF WATER, MILK AND OJ. YOU FOOL!

My favorite is when the bring in the vendors like Kiolbassa. They want you to try EVERYTHING! Of course I will try your jalapeno sausage, and your cheddar sausage. You have a jalapeno AND cheddar sausage? I MUST HAVE IT! Except now you are invested in this sales person and you need an excuse to leave awkwardly with out purchasing anything. My favorite is “I will remember this for my next tailgate.”

The worst is when someone doesn’t have the samples ready. NO MINI-CORN DOGS? 15 MINUTES!!!! Now you have to pretend you have forgotten something later to pass by again. Then when they are still not ready because its only been 3 minutes, you are really in a dilemma. Keep passing by like a vulture, or try to hold out risking missing out…. I choose the former. Sometimes it pays off because they see you and give you a bigger piece!

Finally, it is time to check out. The key here is scouting for a good box to put your shit in because the front of the store is riddled with shitty boxes for the regular members. A BOX MUST HAVE 4 SIDES WITH NO CUTOUTS.

After paying, 1/2 your journey is complete. PIZZA!!!! 2.79 gets you a slice of pizza AND and a drink. I cannot resist it. I can eat a 4 course meal at Costco and get hungry in the checkout line as soon as I see it. Sometimes I go there just for dinner. I have no shame in admitting that. They are fools for not putting the pizza at the beginning. I would ALWAYS have 2 slices, but I only get 1 at the end because I have eaten too many free samples.

Eating pizza at the end is also the same step where you lose your receipt. This is crucial for walking out and not having it ready for the person standing there with the highlighter. I CAN ONLY FIND MY PIZZA RECEIPT, I HAVE TOO MANY POCKETS! It’s in my wallet every time.

And DO NOT come in here and tell me Sam’s is better than COSTCO! I will STAB YOU IN THE EYES. Costco is the Neiman Marcus of bulk shopping!

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2/5/10 Houston Sports FaF Smear

SOTD – Stan Getz & Joao Gilberto – Desafinado

My money is in Breesus' hands

How many of you are placing any wagers on the Superbowl? 80% of the fun of the Superbowl is losing money gambling. If I didn’t wager on the game, I really wouldn’t care who wins. I just wish that the gambling site I used had more interesting prop bets.

The more ridiculous the prop bet the more I like it. I want to see a Kim Kardashian/Archie Manning on camera prop bet. I’d make Kim a -2.5 favorite over Archie.

Today at work I will be doing nothing but wasting money on prop bets. I’m already 50 dollars in to this. Betus.com was dumb enough to open their Superbowl MVP lines last Monday with Manning at even money and Brees at +250. I feel like that’s a pretty good hedge. UNLESS A RANDOM SAINTS OR COLTS RECEIVER DECIDES TO FUCK ME. Manning and Brees, spread that shit around boys, spread that shit around. If I were all of you I would now bet on all players in the game not named Manning or Brees [Ed. note – not responsible for your losses or stupidity if you take any advice from this post].

A few other props I like.

Robert Meachem to score a TD +250
Marquis Colston to score a TD +135

These guys tied for the most TD’s by Saints recievers in the regular season with 9 each (The next highest Saints recievers only had 3). 1 of them is almost assured a TD. If either one scores a TD you are in the money.

A riskier pair of TD scorers for the Colts.

Austin Collie +160
Pierre Garcon +130

Didn’t account for that many TD’s in the regular season like the Saints pair, but if you scores you win. Plus, the Saints defense is suspect. Favre threw for 400+ yards, Manning may do the same. You could put money on all the Colts receivers (plus Addai who led them in TDs scored) and just hope the Saints can’t stop them and Manning throws it around. However, based on the odds I’m getting, to win money if you bet on the Colts top 5 TD scorers, 1 of these 2 guys still has to score, basically meaning it’s the same bet with actually worse odds.

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2/2/10 Houston Sports FaF Smear

SOTD – “Superbowl Sundae” – Ozomatli

It’s Superbowl week! Maybe if one of us has time we will bring back “The Super Bowel” series for a post. Back when we had a team of writers (cough cough…. RB, Wanks and JBJ) we could do cool things like that. I highly recommend reading them if you are bored this week. Links below

What’s my name again?

Human Disinterest

Boobies

I Don’t Care About Your Superbowl Party

Preview?

Now we are relegated to mailing stuff in and making excuses for ourselves. That’s how you can tell we grew up. No more energy and enthusiasm, just do enough to pay the bills.

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1/27/10 Houston Sports FaF Smear

SOTD –Tenacious D “Double Team”

Well, starting last night I started paying attention to college basketball, so I can repeat as FaF champion in the March Madness bracket competition. So on my first night of college hoops I simply had to check out John Wall to see if he was worth the hype, but instead I saw the Cocks give the #1 Wildcats the shaft. It just seemed like the Cocks out-shot the Wildcats in the end. The Cocks just kept scoring, it was almost as if they were too big for the Wildcats. The Cocks just kept penetrating and scoring all night. I almost thought I was watching Greg Oden.

The game was actually exciting, with a few lead changes, and each team playing well in spurts. Kentucky even had the lead mid-way through the second half, but the Cocks had no problem coming from behind, and they had a good spurt to end the game.

So as it turns out, everyone who was afraid of the big bad Wildcats, saw them exposed for what they are, big pussies. And it shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone that the Cocks pounded the pussies last night. If we learned anything, it’s that we shouldn’t put the pussies on a pedastool.

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12/21/10 Houston Sports FaF Smear

SOTD – Spoon “Written in Reverse”

I’m making my triumphant return to re-reporting the news that everyone else has already heard about. But don’t you worry, you are getting a better more qualified Pipez, as I am now a certified radiation worker. I’m just like Homer Simpson! Except I work in research not a power plant.

Briefly I would like to talk about Sumlin’s new contract. I think you have to look at it this way. Mack did a good job of surveying the landscape and seeing that Sumlin took an 8 win Briles team, kept it at 8 wins, and then improved to 10 with some VERY BAD losses. Now he lost BOTH of his coordinators. It’s not like Sumlin turned around our 0-11 team. Mack also differed money in the contract, basically rewarding him for staying put. That also makes it look like we are setting him up for a better more lucrative extension with a bigger buyout in the future if he can keep improving.

Two years ago, all we had to do was beat Rice win our division and play for a conference championship. We laid an egg. This year all we had to do was beat ECU to win a conference championship (because we got lucky with SMU losing), and we laid an egg. I’m not saying Sumlin is a bad coach, we beat some really good teams, but I’d like to see some hardware before making him the top paid coach in our conference…. I’m just saying. On to your smear.

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