"I like it in the butthole. Seriously."
Fourth and Fifty has gained information ahead of the announcement of LeBron James’ choice of teams later tonight. Before the hour-long special – the LeBronathon if you will – the NBA and David Stern will reveal some crucial changes to help The King make up his mind. With the signs pointing to LeBron joining the Miami Heat to play along side Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade, Stern wanted to make sure to allow his youngest nova to flourish.
SOTD – “Where Are You Going” Dave Matthews Band
We lost the Bosh sweepstakes
Daryl Morey, I owe you a gallon of your favorite ice cream. ESPN is reporting that Chris Bosh will be signing with the Miami Heat. Hmmm…. Guess who predicted that Bosh would pick Miami? All 3 of you who read that post should be in awe of my psychic powers. Everyone else, back away from the ledge, Morey insists he has 5 other contingency plans.
Not to be outdone, Lebron has reserved an hour of air time on ESPN tomorrow to announce his decision on live TV. Apparently Lebron has to make up for not being a major college football recruit. I hope he is sitting at his old high school gym with hats from each of the teams he is considering. Either way, I’m sure he will be very ambiguous for about 80% of the conference to try to build suspense, and then he will choose the Cavs and everyone will be underwhelmed.
Hey Lebron, 9 people other than sports media are going to be watching your cries for attention tomorrow. Just freaking sign a deal and have a normal press conference like everyone else. You aren’t going to win more than 6 titles and become the best ever. Go back to Cleveland, and get to the finals and try not to get demolished like last time.
Also, Delonte West told me to tell you what he did last night.
On to your Houston updates Continue reading
I’ve been up all night. I’ve been making mistakes. I’m hiding it well, but I don’t feel great.
This is really one of the most messed up situation in recent memory. From Saturday on the reports and “updates” on the tragedy that befell Steve McNair have been constant. Half of those were true. The other half were just news outlets trying to guess correctly so they could look like “geniuses” in the long run.
What we now know is true?
Hopefully this is resolved sooner rather than later. This slew of celebrity deaths are really starting to take their toll on the American psyche. People are forced to ignore the important news of China, Honduras and Red Straws. It’s a sad thing to see.
On to your Houston sports updates:
We’ve all become the same, we dress the same ways, only our accents change.
Fly me to the moon, let me play among the stars.
The Cavaliers live to play another game. The series is now at three games to two in favor of the Magic as both teams head to the Florida peninsula for the sixth game. The Cavaliers at least afforded their city the respect of not giving up on the series prematurely on their own court (though possibly that could all be for naught IF this series goes to game seven).
Maybe it’s because the Rockets were knocked out more than a week ago, but I’m all NBA’d out.
The most entertainment that I indulge in right now (that’s basketball related) is what happens to all of the advertisers if either the Cavs or the Lakers don’t make it to the NBA Finals (please, don’t let either make it! please!!). Will Nike recycle the puppet campaign? Will VitaminWater give up on my favorite line? “Inside. Butter. Outside. Handles like a dream.” Will David Stern’s head explode? Tune in next time to find out!!
Whatever… Let’s just move on to the Houston sports updates (cross your fingers that they are more exciting):
As I take a much needed break from playing Flight Control on my iPhone, work today, the headline on ESPN is whether or not LeBron would rule on an NFL field. Undoubtedly you have all heard about how good LeBron was in high school, and how his size and athleticism would make him a perfect TE/WR/Safety/whatever else you can make up. But why do we only limit this speculation to Football?
As you all must know by now there is Continue reading
Captain Obvious is here to save the day!
2 Dudes, 1 Basket
Psssssssst… I’m going to tell you a secret. You have to promise you’re not going to tell anyone though… Ok?
LeBron James and Kobe Bryant might face-off in the NBA Championships! Seriously! I am not joshin’ you. I am not pulling your leg. I’m not even fucking with you (that would require a whole bunch of effort and foreplay and stuff).
Is it exciting or terrifying that Fourth and Fifty is the first to bring this fact to your attention? I’m leaning toward terrifyingly excited! Super-mega-uber-page views are in our future. This is the break-through that we’ve been waiting for… screw getting served, getting reamed on the radio or being linked to by big sports blogs. FaF is going to make ESPN, FoxSports AND Good Morning America with this revelation.
Let me break this down for you. IF the Los Angeles Lakers beat the Denver Nuggets AND IF the Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Orlando Magic THEN Kobe Bryant and LeBron James will battle for the Larry O’Brien Trophy. That’s a pretty complicated “If/Then” statement, but I deal with Microsoft Excel everyday. I’m more than qualified to dissect that logic equation.
For some reason nobody has caught on to this yet. ESPN has yet to do a 23 vs. 24 biopic about how the Black Mamba and King James are friends yet mortal combatants on the basketball court. I’m thinking that they need to get a big name to narrate the documentary… how about Justin Timberlake? BLAMMO! Terrific idea. ESPN, you can thank me in the credits (and with one million dollars).
Nike endorses and dresses both players. Even they haven’t clued in. Let me reach into my vast advertising-ideas well and pull out gold again… Nike, I say you have to take a different direction. Kobe and Lebron are roommates. You with me? BUT! (that’s a million dollar “but”) BUT! They are both puppets! Dude! Puppets!! Kobe and LeBron are Bert and Ernie! You can do one about how Kobe’s already won three championships. One can focus on LeBron being overly excited to be so close to his first ring. Stick with me here Phil Knight, I have an idea about filming one where Kobe writes over LeBron’s game tape with his own promotional video. (And, if I were you, Phil, I would go ahead and sponsor my above idea to ESPN. Just for posterity’s sake.)
Vitamin Water, don’t think I’ve overlooked you Glaceau (Coca-Cola, but who’s counting…)! You need to do a TV spot where it seems like you’re interviewing people on the street (they’re really actors, shhhhh) debating if Kobe or LeBron is better. Vitamin Water would get mad props (has anyone said that since the 2000’s started?) from the people you’re trying to relate to. “Vitamin Water really understands my water cooler talk at the office,” will be the notion running through everyone’s head. Bring the party to facebook and then everyone will start debating.
None of you have to thank me outright. It’s just a pleasure being able to help out the American economy in any way that I possibly can. If the only way I can do that is to shill the products of way-too-big corporations, so be it. If you so choose you can send me cash or cashier’s check, free products, an entire harem… or, just be my friend on facebook. You. Are. Welcome.
I’m going to go start practicing being interviewed by Katie Couric.
Now, on to our Houston sports updates:
The FaFU is the best link “dump” that you’ve never seen before. It’s a mix of sports, pop culture and complete and utter nonsense all mixed up like bad seafood in your stomach, and then BOOM! exploded out like diarrhea running down your leg… Please excuse our self-defecating humor.
Nobody wants to sex Mutombo (or Yao) when he's on the bench
The Rockets brutally raped the Lakers yesterday. Don’t let the 12 point margin of victory fool you. We were up by 27 at one point, and had at least a 20 point gap for a long stretch in the second half. Battier played like a monster, Lowry and Landry were slashing and jukin’ and jivin’ all game long. Kobe FINALLY got T’d up for being a little bitch.
But we’re not winning this series. We could play like this in the remaining games, and we will not win. It just won’t happen, and I am here to explain why.
Not the MVP - his morals are teh suxors
With the playoffs upon us, it seemed time to dole out the MVP and LVP awards. Hell of a regular season.
Least Valuable Player
3. Eric Snow, NBATV – An absolute train wreck in front of the camera. They always talk about him being next in line for a coaching position, and I think they keep talking it up so he’ll get a job and waive the rest of his contract as an analyst. Smart move NBATV – pawn your problem off onto someone else. That’s the American way.
2. Manu Ginoboli – This was a bit of an upset, but the stat geeks at the Onion correctly noted that his flopping rate is down to 85%. Hopefully he’ll bounce back next season with a rate in the mid-90s.
1a. Trady McGrady – I almost didn’t put him here for fear of the reverse-jinx, but after THE Random Baby put the playoff hex on the Rockets there is nothing left to lose. Keep in mind that McGrady’s salary this season was the exact same as the golden parachute for AIG’s former CEO. At least that guy had the dignity to give his money back.
Fourth And Fifty 
