ESPN Announces that NBA Announces New Rule Before LeBron Announces Announcing

"I like it in the butthole. Seriously."

Fourth and Fifty has gained information ahead of the announcement of LeBron James’ choice of teams later tonight. Before the hour-long special – the LeBronathon if you will – the NBA and David Stern will reveal some crucial changes to help The King make up his mind. With the signs pointing to LeBron joining the Miami Heat to play along side Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade, Stern wanted to make sure to allow his youngest nova to flourish.

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Houston Sports FaF Smear (7/7/10)

SOTD – “Where Are You Going” Dave Matthews Band

We lost the Bosh sweepstakes

Daryl Morey, I owe you a gallon of your favorite ice cream. ESPN is reporting that Chris Bosh will be signing with the Miami Heat. Hmmm…. Guess who predicted that Bosh would pick Miami? All 3 of you who read that post should be in awe of my psychic powers. Everyone else, back away from the ledge, Morey insists he has 5 other contingency plans.

Not to be outdone, Lebron has reserved an hour of air time on ESPN tomorrow to announce his decision on live TV. Apparently Lebron has to make up for not being a major college football recruit. I hope he is sitting at his old high school gym with hats from each of the teams he is considering. Either way, I’m sure he will be very ambiguous for about 80% of the conference to try to build suspense, and then he will choose the Cavs and everyone will be underwhelmed.

Hey Lebron, 9 people other than sports media are going to be watching your cries for attention tomorrow. Just freaking sign a deal and have a normal press conference like everyone else. You aren’t going to win more than 6 titles and become the best ever. Go back to Cleveland, and get to the finals and try not to get demolished like last time.

Also, Delonte West told me to tell you what he did last night.

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Houston Sports FaF Smear (7/1/10)

SOTD – “Citizens of Tomorrow” Tokyo Police Club

NBA Free agent season started last night at midnight, and Daryl Morey got the first crack at convincing Chris Bosh where to to sign. Daryl’s key tactic was a personalized Chris Bosh iPad. My guess is that it was a regular iPad dressed in a cowboy hat, denim jacket, and leather vest.

Also, Morey, known for being good with numbers, miscalculated Bosh’s location by 1,300 miles when he sent a “caravan of fans” to greet Bosh in Miami. Except the Texas native was in Dallas. I just hope that was a SAM (yeah middle school math jargon!), and not a sign of his real math skills.

I will say that I think it is unlikely that we end up with Chris Bosh, and I will buy Daryl Morey a gallon of his favorite ice cream to eat out of the carton in his pajamas while watching a marathon of netflix movies when the Rockets get rejected for a younger sexier team.

In fact, I would say that the Rockets are the “Cougar” of the teams pursuing Bosh. Not quite the sexiest we have been, our star player is a little older and injury prone, but we have some good assets and we may have a few tricks up our sleeve other younger teams haven’t learned yet.

Unfortunately, we will still probably get left in the cold for a team with a bigger name marquee player, and a city with better night life (not that Houston is bad). I predict Miami, but that probably means it will be Chicago or New York. A twenty something millionaire isn’t convinced by things like “no state income tax” and “lower cost of living.”

For the 3 of you still reading, here’s what else is going on. And by that I mean here’s some filler crap about teams you actually care about. Continue reading