Houston Sports FaF Smear (7/27/10)

SOTD –  “Homecoming” The Teenagers

Aren't you supposed to schedule a homecoming opponent you can beat?

Well, Rice decided to make UH their homecoming game, isn’t that special. I guess they felt that they needed more motivation to play in the game this year besides the bayou bucket, and their 73-14 embarrassment last year. I mean they put up less effort than Northwestern St. a FCS school. They sure didn’t live up to their slogan “Fight, never die.” Also, Coach David Bailiff probably needed to rethink where he put the phrase “ball security” on their shorts. Fail.

The balls are on the other side Rice

Anyways, there was a lot of rookie drama this past weekend in the NFL. First Dez Bryant refused to carry Roy Williams’ shoulder pads saying “Bitch, I’m here to take your job, you should carry my shit!”* Also, Ravens rookie Sergio “Amazon” Kindle fell down, not 1, but 2 flights of stairs…. That’s pretty impressive. Not many details have been released, but this is what we know about Sergio Kindle

  • He was arrested for DUI in college
  • He had a second mysterious single car accident where he drove into a wall.
  • His dad is named Johnny Walker… Seriously.

Finally, Maurice Clarrett has wised up and, after being released from prison, he found the one place it is acceptable to carry booze around with you at all times (like he did at Bronco’s training camp). COLLEGE! That’s right, he has enrolled in fall classes at Ohio State. Also, in an unrelated story, Ohio State has a new walk-on running back named Claurice Marrett.

Here are your Houston sports updates. Let’s check it out.

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Houston Sports FaF Smear (7/26/10)

SOTD – “Doin Time” Sublime

UH pwns Rice!

It’s the doldrums of summer. Luckily this year we had the World Cup for the beginning of the summer. Now it’s all baseball all the time. Even ESPN is bored with baseball and had a front page picture of cycling, or at least that’s what I think it was since I can’t read. However, UH is still pwning Rice even in the offseason, according to the Chron. They’ve mailed in Rice’s homepage so bad that they’ve now started reporting more UH stuff.

However, fear not people, NFL training camps start this week. This means 2 things. 1) We will have something to talk about. 2) We can officially start researching fantasy football draft info. Hell I scheduled finishing my medical school applications around being finished in time to put 100% in to my fantasy football drafts. (That way I didn’t accidently submit a mock draft as an essay explaining what contribution I would make to the field of medicine).

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Houston Sports Lebron Smear (7/9/10)

SOTD – “Mr. Pitiful” Matt Costa

Traitor is spelled L-E-B-R-O-N in Cleveland

First of all, out of respect to Cavs owner Dan Gilbert, the rest of this post will be written in comic sans.

“The Decision” has been made, and unfortunately we were all witnesses last night. I have no dog in this fight since my 2 teams (Spurs and Rockets) were unaffected, but as an innocent bystander, I think the big loser is Lebron. I have family in the Miami area, so first I put myself in their shoes, which made me feel excited and kinda dirty, which is oddly appropriate since that is about how you feel any time you are actually in Miami. But, I couldn’t help but sympathize with the Cavs fans, since I was 15 in San Antonio when Tim Duncan was a young free agent. The HEB by my house, which he shopped at, hired a crane for 2 weeks to fly a “Stay Tim Stay” flag. Luckily for us he stayed and we won 3 more championships.

Ugh… that’s enough Comic Sans…. However, as a third party, Lebron’s choice says the following things to me:

 First, he doesn’t have the mental and testicular fortitude to put a team on his back and win a championship like his idle MJ. Before now, a younger superstar might have look to some past their prime veterans for the experience to help them win their first title, but never has a younger superstar had to join his peer or competitor to help. This was ok for the aging trio of Allen, Pierce and KG because their window was closing. If Lebron wants to be known as the best of his era, he needs to have the most titles, and as of right now he will be D-Wade -1. This isn’t something a dominant competitive player would do. MJ and Kobe are too obsessed with proving they are better than EVERYONE including their own teammates, and that’s what makes people respect them even more. Everyone likes someone who has a killer instinct and can SINGLE HANDEDLY crush the competition and rip their heart out. In my opinion, Lebron just made Kobe more likeable (yuck!).

Second, Lebron told the owners that it’s not ok for you to collude behind the players’ backs, but it is ok for the players to collude behind the owners backs.

Lebron is no “hero” for taking less money to play with D-Wade and Bosh. Maybe if he were taking less money to stay with the Cavs so they could pay some better players. Taking less money to play on another team is not something alpha dog players do. It is something other players do to play with the alpha dogs. This basically maginfies the big FUCK YOU he gave to Cleveland, whose main export is depression.

Finally, Lebron James is all that is wrong and evil about professional sports. As I argued earlier, we want to see fearless killers on the field of play in any sport, the hunger to win a title no matter who is on your team and what kind of underdog you are. Lebron just proved he just wants to win without working very hard at it, while being on a team with his friends, in a location where he can party all the time. Wait, all that sounds right up FaF’s alley… WHERE CAN I GET A LEBRON HEAT JERSEY?!

On to your Houston Sports Updates:

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Houston Sports FaF Smear (7/6/10)

SOTD – “Sippin on Some Syrup” Three Six Mafia

JaMarcus needs to slow his roll

Apparently, JaMarcus Russell needs to slow his roll, because the life of an NFL flame out is too fast. I guess that’s why he was busted for having that sizzurp, or purple drank if you will, this weekend. To be honest, I’m going to give JaMarcus the benefit of the doubt here. I think that this was an honest attempt to change for the better and prove that he belongs in the NFL. My reasoning is that he probably thought that the “sizzurp” slows your “rolls” not roll. So maybe he was just confused and thought he was taking an appetite suppressant.

In other news, Amare Stoudamire signed with the New York Knicks. I guess the Knicks felt empty without paying max money to a roll player at best. Sure, sure, some of you will throw statistics in my face, but let’s face it, when given the chance to sign a veteran free agent that has had injury problems, including microfracture surgery, to a long-term max contract you should do it right? Everyone, wants an aging overpaid injury prone star in 4 years with a few years remaining on their contract, right T-Mac? Let’s not forget that D’Antoni’s exit from Phoenix was directly related to Amare’s unhappiness (which he immediately regretted when playing for Terry Porter). Now, once all the other big free agents sign elsewhere, let’s see which roll player the Knicks decide is worth a max deal. At least they still have first round draft picks…. Wait, I hear Daryl Morey saying “All your base are belong to us.”

On to your Houston updates:

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1/13/10 Houston Sports FaF Smear

SOTD – “You Don’t Know Me” Ben Folds (video by Tim and Eric)

Layla Kiffin was hired yesterday to be the first lady of football at USC, while her husband does his best to continue the tradition of NCAA violations and publicity stunts at USC. I mean I guess I can see the appeal that Lane has. He’s making public statements about rival teams to get the fans and teams fired up, he has a hot wife, and his daddy comes in and does the real coaching. But what about this guy’s record?

Lane coached 20 games in the NFL before getting fired winning a whopping 5. Granted this is probably more like a .500 record considering it was the Raiders, but still. Then he moved to Tennessee last year where he finished 1 game over .500 at 7-6. Now I know that the Pac-10 is easier than the SEC, but thats still not that good. And, if Lane’s players rob stores and drive drunk at Tennessee, imagine how many agents will buy cars for players girlfriends and rent houses for players parents, etc.

But how do Vols fans feel? We sent Septimus to a Tennessee Walmart to get some reactions. One fan brought Septimus back to his house so he could share his feelings. I got this video via email last night, but have not heard from Septimus since. (NSFW Language) Update: Looks like Septimus not only made it out of that guy’s house alive (save for a sore cornhole), but even the whole state (Click here)

Finally, in a note of randomness. WTF is LDT thinking? Does he think this is actually good, or is he just trying to copy Tim and Eric? (See the SOTD link if you aren’t hip to Tim and Eric) I originally thought this was a segment of Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! but then I did mushrooms and watched all my DVD’s research and found out it wasn’t.

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12/11/09 Houston Sports FaF Smear

Song of the Day: New Young Pony Club – “Ice Cream”

Vodpod videos no longer available.

I will revel – REVEL I SAY – in all of this. Yes, it’s a sick obsession. It’s a horrible vice. Never, since cigarettes came into my life, has there been something that’s been so detrimental to living viceless life as this. The video above from Break.com doesn’t particularly satisfy my need to see the Lucky Pierre tape I talked about two days ago, but it’s enough for now (and generally funny as well).

Do you know what happened yesterday? Absolutely nothing. NOTHING. No women came forward. No sponsor officially dropped Tiger Woods. Nothing… oh wait, there was something.

HOOKERS!!!!!!! [deep breath] !!!!!!!!! The only time it’s OK to check out perez hiltion is… well… actually, it’s still never. But, hookers, people! HOOKERS! Tiger Woods has gone all Eliot Spitzer on this bitch. And do you know what’s even more fantastimagic? Ashle Dupre, of Spitzer-swallows fame be talking shit about Tiger and his hos. Now that’s fucking awesome. Fuhmazing if you will. On a side note, Dupre looks exactly 12.3% as hot as she did when the news of the New York governor first came out. Hookers… they just don’t make them like they used to.

PORNSTARS be BRAGGIN’!!!!!!!! If you’re a man of the interwebs – as I am – you probably know Naughty America. For me they put the “OH!” in POV. Gotta love that stuff. So, supposedly Holly Sampson’s been talking about her affair with Mr. Woods since May (If you’re man enough, here’s the video – probably NSFW). That’s a full seven months ago. This shit’s been online. It took us how long to unearth the fuzzy Erin Andrews peephole tape? This was out in the open months ago. And, Holly Sampson has finally given us confirmation of his pornstaritude! How. Incredibly. Awesome.

Oh, and one of Tiger’s teeth is broken too (ghast! that perfect smile!). But, not his spirit, mind you. His spirit will continue to thrive in the hearts of philanderers (and wannabe philanderers) everywhere. Oh, the joy this brings… It’s unhealthy, really.

To provide you an terrific juxtaposition to the first video of this post, let’s revisit a favorite from earlier in the year:

He can walk on water! His tears can cure AIDS! His sperm can end nations!

Finally, on to your Houston sports updates:

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Sayonara, Cecil

After three years of questionable managerial decisions, the Astros finally administer a sobriety test.

After three years of questionable managerial decisions, the Astros finally administer a sobriety test.

After a little more than three years, the Astros have ended their relationship with Cooper. The manager was fired today and will leave the club with a winning record (!) of 171-170. Which, when all is said and done is way better than my usual of a little more than three months and an average record of 25-60 (blowskies-premature ejaculations).

Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Cecil.

[Houston Chronicle]