FAF Opponent Essentials: Tulsa!


Each week, or when we feel like putting effort into it, FAF will size up our opponent, and provide you, our faithful readers, with plenty of fodder for hating the opposing team. Because that’s what we do at FAF. We don’t cheer our team on in a good-natured manner, to remain “classy” or “sportsmanlike” or “respectful”. We bring the mother effin’ pain in the form of the truth! If you can’t handle it, go reminisce about the Veer on Coogfans! This is the new era of UH, where we take no prisoners and rape and pillage on our way to championships! This week, Tulsa. And we are honored to have a special guest to tell us the highlights of his university…..

tulsa

Is that a beehive?

Hi, I’m Dr. Douchebag Phil. You might know me from my moderately famous, but now outdated TV show,where I act like an insufferable ass and talk down to people in an attempt to help them. Britney Spears? Totally fixed that psycho-bitch after I stormed into that hospital Norman Schwarzkopf-style and slapped her around something fierce.

But you might not realize that I played some football in my younger days. Actually you probably could tell, because I’m rather overweight. I played  a little linebacker for the Tulsa Golden Hurricane (I know, what the fuck is a Golden Hurricane, right? No idea). Here’s a few more things you might not know about my alma mater:

1.) We received an ungodly beating at the hands of the Mighty Cougars – Holy crap, my asshole hurt for a month after this one (Ed. Note: #39. Don’t be fooled the casual reference to Dr. Phil playing linebacker. FaF learned of it from the future Mrs. MacGruber’s dad, who was at the game) 11 TDs in the 2nd half? Come on, that’s not providing a positive experience for those around you know, mmmm k? Shit, Wikipedia associates it with the phrase “Running up the score”! We were a laughing stock! Much like my choice of career path!

2) When it rains, Tulsa gets raped – It happened again! and Again! And Again! Dear god make it stop! We’ve lost 70-30 in 2008, 73-14 in 1966, and 82-28 in 1988. Apparently we just aren’t that good against Houston.

3) If this is true, do I get to wear hot pants in public? FINALLY!!! – This guy obviously has a problem with his mother that manifests itself in poorly constructed sentences (Ed Note: yea, but ASLUT! Awesome!)

  • Mbell985
    Mbell985 (11/3/2009 at 1:00 PM)
    what is TULSA spelled backwards?!! ASLUT! Which is exactly how UH will treat TU. Wham, Bam, Thank you ma’am. Coogs win 48-24.

4) This guy has some problems too! – Apparently, the cool thing for kids to do these days is to sit around with their hand in their pants while making up shit about Oklahoma on urbandictionary.com. This guy thinks he’s so funny!

  • 4) One of the few states lacking ability to recruit or keep a serious major league sports team, with the exception of the Hornets, but only by default from hurricane Katrina.
  • 12) People who drive eight hours to buy porno in Dallas because it actually has penetrated women in it.

Hey Buddy, how’s this for the truth? Us folks in Oklahoma don’t like seeing women being penetrated in our porno! It’s nothing but making the beast with two backs up here!!

5) Steve Largent! – He’s a fellow alumni! A guy who was so special, the Seattle Seahawks decided it was best to just leave him on special teams, lest he make anyone on lame-o offense or defense think they weren’t good enough. And then, he became a US Congressman! He definitely didn’t have anything to do with passing legislation that forced government run mortgage companies provide huge mortgages to people who drove buses for a living! Nothing at all! (Ed Note: Seriously, that list of notable alumni is fucking weak. Ricky Ortiz? Really? A WWE wrestler is worthy of a mention as an alumnus?)

You know what? I don’t have to sit here and explain why my alma mater is awesome, or why my employees feel the need to exploit horrific events for ratings so that I can keep paying for my personal leather paddle collection. I have to decide what to have for lunch. Philly want wingy.

Wanks MacGruber: Is he gone yet?

Septimus Rex: I think so… I can’t hear the crunching of M&Ms anymore. It was thunder in my ears.

Pipez: I could actually hear him getting fatter.

(FaF, back in control)

6) Tulsa Fans are Racisty – I hate to start throwing around allegations of racism (shit, we get accused of being perverted on a daily basis by our own fanbase. J’ACCUSE!). But, here’s a little story about some “miscreant” fans at the SMU game (and keep on scrolling down on that forum to see the picture of the alledged racist fan… is that eyle-liner? Was there a Fall Out Boy concert he was supposed to see later that night?). I can say it no better than forum member “shyminer”:

rare- but not shocking considering it was a tulsa fan… ugh j/k WHEN WILL PEOPLE GET THE UNDERSTANDING WE ARE ALL HUMAN-SAPIENS??? not whites,blacks, and every color in between…

We’re all human-sapiens… totally.

7) Tulsa Identity Crisis – We’ve been there too… We can’t decide if we’re going to have a live cougar around or not (FUCK YOU PETA!!!). But, I think changing mascots all together is a little bit much. Tulsa used to have the golden hurricane mascot with the beehive as a head… or is that a tornado for a noggin? Either way, it doesn’t make much sense. But, now they’ve gone too far. The ambiguously gay, lightning sword yielding, Captain Cane is now here to the rescue. I lightning sword? A lightning sword.

heismancane

Truly a mascot on par with Steely McBeam.

8) Schedule, Schmedule – Tulsa’s wins this year are against:

  • Tulane (2 wins)
  • New Mexico (0 wins)
  • Rice (0 wins)
  • Sam Houston State (FCS program)

But, even though UH has been busy beating Big 12 (TWO!) and SEC (ONE!!) programs we all have something in common. Losing to UTEP. We’re all brothers from another mothers in the end.

Nè, we are all HUMAN-SAPIENS!!!!!

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26 Comments

  1. … and if we change the headline from “Tulane” to “Tulsa” and we’ll be all set for this weekend.

  2. Why Tulsa will always hate us:

    The combined football scores from 1966-69 is

    Coogs 233

    Tulsa 56

  3. Tulsa will DEFINITELY get up for us. They want revenge for the beating we gave them last season. We’re going to need to rush in there, and stomp the hell out of them early on. They’ll get discouraged easier, and let us lay another 100 on ’em.

  4. I have a lot of family in Oklahoma…I have many experiences with the good natured people of Tulsa. Let me tell you some things about Tulsa. They truly consider the place a big city. Oklahomans get nervous about driving there. I think it has about 600,000 people. Amazingly though It is truly only about 10 blocks wide. I got on the freeway and within 5 minutes I was out of the city limits and the two lane road (they call it a freeway) had become a tollway. What?! I took this girl to a movie, and found out that they only have 2 movie theaters in the entire city…seriously. I went to a strip club, and the girls were wearing tops and dancing on tables…The beer is 3.2% alcohol. You have to go to the liquour store to get anything other than a watered down bud, miller, or coors…even corona or a 40. They just recently legalized tattoo parlors…they were previously completely outlawed…as well as any piercing other than the ears, but black market shops were spreading hepatitis and it was safer to legalize the practice. The entire state has a serious meth problem. They drive to Kansas to buy beer. I tried to go to school at Oklahoma State buy I couldn’t do it…a lot of the people are really nice, but this place is literally BFE…in the flesh. You can drive for 2 or 3 hours and not see a single sign of life. It’s hell on earth.

    • that’s pretty right on bro – I too have a lot of family from OK, fwiw

    • -1 for trying to go to Oklahoma State instead of Houston.

  5. I didnt see a link on coogfans today either… pussy.

    • Some of us have jobs, and can’t link it the second it goes up… relax you knew it was here

      • if by job, you mean hand job.

    • some of us aren’t elitist enoguh to be on coogfans

      • I am too smart to ever think I could post on Coogfans…I know nothing about the veer, I don’t fear the teams in our conference…none, I actually hate our conference, I am not arrogant enough to believe that my personal outlook each week affects the team (ie. coogfans posters think if they sit around worry themselves sick all week about the next opponent then the attitude will carry over to the team and they will take the opponent more seriously). I realize that there are people that aren’t white that attend UH and I embrace that. I don’t give a shit about Larry Gatlin, and I know I don’t have enough class to delude myself into thinking that we can trick people into thinking that UH is a beacon of “class.” I don’t have an identity crisis and I don’t overcompensate in an attempt to prove to tea sips and ags that my school is not second class. I am who I am…I am this generations coog. I am good enough for me, with no need to prove anything more, and I wholeheartedly believe that we will kick Tulsa’s teeth in, and I truly enjoy saying things like “Fuck Tulsa in the ass!” I wholeheartedly believe all of this, and any of it would be the end of me on Coogfans, which as a forum is not representative of any of the coogs I went to school with for 4 years. That is all.

        • USA! USA!

        • Yeah! So eat it you pretentious basterd!

          …see what i did right there?

        • cliffs?

    • Also we are busy playing with google wave… because its cool now, but when everyone else finally gets it, it will be lame

  6. `c vb 6 vbb c ` g A v1bn BN B VB MN V    V RT T V5

  7. AWWW! TRBaby’s first post. I was checking the blog and she started banging on the keyboard. Daddy’s little girl. Makes about as much sense as Daddy’s posts, too.

  8. I belive a golden hurricane is when you spin around in a circle while peeing

  9. I think I drew Captain Cane on the back of my Trapper Keeper for Social Studies in 4th grade. Wonder if I can get any money outta them for infringement.

    • If Rex ever writes his superhero column (been in the works for 7 months), you’re totally Capitan Cane.

  10. Did you notice that the “kid” being lead away had a children’s charity shirt on?
    A hurricane becomes golden after destroying 500 Oklahoma trailer homes.
    Also, Ricky Ortiz is a former WWE wrestler. He got cut a couple of months ago.
    Ease up, we all have our geek subjects.

  11. i agree with this article and would like to read some more shit talking, keep up the good work!

  12. Bravo.

    More bringing pain and less mention of losers who think grown ass adults (unless UH does have 17-year olds in uni that we don’t know about) who should be on the practice field have any reason to read their message board or think that UTEP is so good that they were going to go 7-1 in CUSA this season!

    When a recruit decides to go elsewhere, leave it at that. Just because the worship of a recruit doesn’t bring him here (cough *J Famous* cough and “Let’s get Famous!”), doesn’t make him the devil…

    Other than passing time, I don’t give a shit about the Big East or Mountain West…them bozos need to shake themselves.


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