October 13th Houston Sports FaF Smear

Song of the Day: Jay Z – “D.O.A. (Death of Auto-Tune)

Ass vs. Tits... Who you got?

Ass vs. Tits... Who you got?

We’ve been blessed with some great Monday Night Football so far this season. Call me pleasantly surprised. But, no matter how much we – the faithful viewer – are titillated by the goings on of the gridiron those paid to tell us about the game are jizzing in their pants. Last week when the Minnesota Brett Favres took on the Green Bay Not Brett Favres I was convinced there would be no less than six coronaries in studio and the announcers booth combined.

This week, the match-up seemed a bit less spectacular. Sure, it’s an inter-division battle between the J-E-T-S DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHES(!!) and the Tuna-led Miami Dolphins, but as far as proven marquee players locked in inter-galactic battle last night’s game didn’t seem to have the spice. You, dear sir, were so wrong to think that. Matt Millen and Steve Young would like you to know that you don’t appreciate rookie quarter backing the way you should: with your pants around your ankles and a clawless gerbil in your ass.

For those of you that watched the game, you saw a damn good back-and-forth between second year QB, Chad Henne and New Jersey’s pride and joy, Mark Sanchez… You know, the times they threw the ball and didn’t just hand it off to the vaunted running backs that play along side them. Many of you probably turned off the TeeVee as the game-clock struck zeroes. This was a very good decision on your part. I was not so smart.

For the next fifteen minutes after the game I witnessed a Young Quarterback Bukkake of epic proportions. Stu Scott, Steve Young and Matt Millen sat at the semi-circle desk at the top of the endzone, cocks in hand as they spewed forth their “this was the best collective performance of inexperienced quarterbacking we’ve EVER FUCKING SEEN IN OUR LIVES… AHHHHHHHHHHH” routine. And, “(OMG!!!!) Chad Henne is now sitting with us to tell us what was going through his mind as he makes this pass in our selected highlight reel… can I touch you?”

Let’s be clear, the QB play was above average in the game. Mark Sanchez to Braylon Edwards looks like it’s going to be a mighty combination. The Chad Henne to Ted Ginn deep-threat will have Dunta Robinson shitting his pants when the Texans face the Dolphins. BUT! It was the wildcat that literally won the game for Miami. Henne wasn’t under center. It was Ronnie Brown that accepted the snap and scooted his way off-tackle into the land of six points during the final minute of the game. Sheesh.

Thanks to the ESPN crew Chad Henne has now vanished from the perils of Fantasy Football Free Agency in each of the three leagues in which I partake. Who says that the media doesn’t have influence. Oh… Wait… Nobody says that. I just wonder if Millen and Young were able to influence Chad into the triple-spoon they wanted to plan on the soft sand of Miami Beach later that night.

On to the rest of your Houston sports updates:

ASTROS – Nice to see Brad Lidge shaking his horrible regular season performance and continue to shutout the opposition in the playoffs. I know there are probably some detractors out there, but I don’t have any ill-will toward The Sandman. The Phillies beat the Rockies and are headed to the NLCS to face Manny Ramirez and the LA Dodgers. Yes, this counts as an “Astros” portion of the Smear.

ROCKETS – We will lovingly dub this the “Battle of Down Under” (that’s what she said) between David Andersen of your Houston Rockets and Andrew Bogut of the Milwaukee Bucks. Last night Bogut made the best of the confrontation as the Bucks came out on top 96-92 in a completely meaningless game… Though, Andersen is showing promise as a scoring threat with 17 on the stat sheet. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. The undersized Rockets are going to be playing something similar to Nelly-Ball all season long. You heard it here first… Or, maybe you didn’t.

UNIVERSITY of HOUSTON – Yep, UH journalism and editing is just as I remember it… Not, um, good. To be fair, it’s lightyears better than the drivel that we put up on Fourth and Fifty which in turn makes it less plagiarized than John Royal’s smegma that he writes for the Houston Press. But, oh well. Here’s your obligatory Daily Cougar article about Houston’s win over MSU. Big Hitter just found a new medium for his blog/newspaper/forum commentary.

– Septimus Rex



  1. ah yes, the daily flougar….it was always nice to pick up a copy in the lobby of PGH on my way up to the sixth floor, back in the day….

  2. Yup Yup, I used to pick mine up in SR1 on the way to the work studies job I had. Anyone on here use to go to the Towers’ Commons to play bones or spades? Just checkin’…

  3. I give you guys a picture to delicious tits and ass, a mention of bukkake and a Richard Gere gerbil reference and you repay me by commenting on the 5 lines about UH… I’m going to start mailing it in like TRG every day.

    • that is a nice picture

      • Ass takes tits hands down every time. While tits may sag with age, a nice ass can stay taut and firm over time.

    • Have a kid like TRG. Or at least one you’ll acknowledge and pay child support for.

    • no no, this post was easily more homo erotic than a TRG post. and thats saying something.

  4. oh yah…you can fake the tits, but you cant ungape the ass.

  5. Here’s something to get this week’s OE started…..


    • Yah yah…we don’t want to be in a football conference with them either. Big deal. Keenum will be having a career day when he gets pulled from the game in the second quarter. Hopefully Dugat gets to see the field a lot on Saturday.

      • Well, I was more focused on the “let’s send Case to Tulane Medical” shit they posted. What a bunch of jackasses.

      • Yah but that’s just a couple of fans saying that. You and I can say “Let’s play the starters for 4 quarters and run up the score over a hundred.” It doesn’t mean anything. I can even say…let’s break their QB’s collar bone again…still nothing. All it means is they have a couple of fans with a lot of unchecked resentment that are taking a very bad football program too seriously. You think no Coog fan ever said we should knock out UT’s QB the last time we played them? All it really means is that they realize they have no chance of messing up our season by simply winning the game…rather they’d have to hurt our QB to phase us. It sounds like they’ve already assumed the loss.

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