FaF Opponent Essentials: UTEP

Each week we’ll dig deep to find the best dirt on the next opponent of the Houston Cougars. If you have any suggestions e-mail them to us (admin@fourthandfifty.com) and we’ll make sure to include them. Generic shit-talk is completely acceptable if not preferable.

UTEP logo color

Four things have become apparent over the past for weeks. 1) Opposing fans get all butt-hurt over pointing out a couple very obvious shortcomings about their city/school/program/father-cousin. 2) No anonymous commenter is willing to come back after their team loses to apologize for calling us dick-eaters. 3) Writing this stuff is kind of fun, but not more fun than the comments. 4) Oklahoma State and Texas Tech fans all have gaping yeasty gashes.

But, what’s in the past is in the past and we must look forward to the future. Two days from now the University of Houston will face the University of Texas Juarez El Paso on the gridiron. The first conference game of the Cougars will be a sort of litmus test of what can be expected over the course of the last eight games of their schedule. With a three-game road trip the Cougars look to avoid the triumphant hangover after Texas Tech.

I’ve always found a couple things work best to rid the head of the angry post victory spirits: Screwdrivers, Water and an abundance of shit-talking that the other party always manages to call “lame,” “weak,” “classless” or otherwise. Well, here’s a preemptive “fuck you” to UTEP fans. You will respect mai eethoritaih!

1) The Miners will Henceforth be the Barbarians – Someone over there in El Paso needs to calm down Mike Price. His reenactment of the football team gorging themselves on turkey legs, shirtless, with grease all over themselves (oh, the grease *le sigh*) is a bit unsettling:

Grease, there’s grease everywhere. So much grease we couldn’t make tackles. Spilling all over their chests! And the Sloppy Joes. Boy were they sloppy. It was so animalistic and pure. It was horrifying and beautiful… Beautifully horrifying! And then the twinks… The boy-faced-wenches! They came out from each of the lockers. It was an orgy of gridiron mercenaries, feast and sacrificial lambs. Limbs were everywhere, human and otherwise. They were waving their turkey legs over their heads screaming primal battle cries. I shed a single tear. Then I whipped it out and the boys applauded.

That may or may not be an actual quote from the press conference, but rest assured that was definitely what Price logged into his spank bank for later that night. The easy joke is to always call you Ass-Miners… don’t give us a reason to think it’s true. The man in charge needs to do a bit more coaching than crotching (if you know what I’m sayin’).

2) UTEP Fans are Handsy – Go to a UTEP football game and sit on the rock (or whatever) and the ladies come out of the wood work to softly caress your wood through your shorts. It’s a well known tradition in El Paso. If you’re up for it I recommend wearing a light fabric and going commando. Denim leads to chafing, people. Everyone knows that. That being said, I don’t recommend it at all… Have you seen the average El Pasonian (El Pasista? El Pasan?)?

Ah, those Lady Miners… They really know how to dispense a good handskie. Probably something they picked up on the weekends working down in Juarez. Then again, watch out for the males as well. Just consider this Anti-UTEP campaign:

3) The Football Team is Punchy – And not in that cute erratic way… In the “let’s start a brawl and beat up a public servant while we’re at it” kind of way. Getting drunk and starting a fight in front of a discoteca is not a good idea when you’re going to school for free (maybe) and on a nationally recognized football program (not really at all). But, in 2007 that’s what the Miners were all about. Memo to Houston players: Please leave your helmets on at all times (if yours didn’t get stolen). It’s something spans all Miner (almost like “minor”) sports.. Even the basketball team has it’s fair share of jaw-breaking going on.

4) A Date with… Destiny? – When Mike Price told the media that he was going to be the “second greatest coach in Alabama history” I’m sure there was a giggle around the room. He kind of fulfilled his assertion. If you define “greatness” as “a threesome with two hookers that ultimately leads to your firing” then Mike Price was THE greatest coach in Alabama history and didn’t even have to stand on the sidelines during a single game. That, my friends, is dedication. Head out to one of the most storied programs in college sports and celebrate with sex acts with a couple strippers. Who wouldn’t do that? Paying for a little bit of slumming with a professional (may not be actual stripper) never hurt anybody. Unfortunately, it cost him his job… Some fairy tales don’t have happy endings. But, Price picked himself up by the boot straps and made way to El Paso. Talk about going slumming. Woooooof!

5) Letters Don’t Mean Shit – Just because you have that astoundingly asinine “UT” preceding the “EP” means not that you’re going to the University of Texas. It. Does. Not. You have a vague affiliation with the tea-sips in Austin but that is where any association ends. You’re pomposity will not be tolerated. We don’t tolerate it from Longhorns that actually graduated from the campus in Austin. What makes you think it’s ok for you? We don’t consider the University of Hopes and Dreams (UH-Downtown, people. Stick with me.) to be the University of Houston. Stop over-inflating yourselves with false pretenses.

6) 1966 Don’t Mean Shit – I think it’s fucking fantastic that Disney swooped in and made a movie about your basketball team. I think I even liked the movie a little bit. It made me hate myself for almost two hours (right, because as a white person I’m supposed to feel guilty every once in a while when a filmmaker tells me to… you know, because somewhere down the line my ancestors were utter pieces of shit), after that I felt thoroughly cleansed and ready to take on the world hand in hand with my black Cougar brethren. But, you can’t keep using the 1966 WESTERN TEXAS National Championship in basketball as a crutch to right yourself upon in this zany world of NO OTHER ATHLETIC ACCOMPLISHMENTS EVER! We’re happy that you beat the crackers of Kentucky led by creepy looking Jon Voight. We celebrated with you. Now, let’s move on.

7) The Donkey Show – Let’s face it, El Pasistas, you’re indelibly linked to what happens in Juarez and Boy’s Town. Shit, Juarez is more Texan than you can ever be. The border check is further East than your city. So, even though you might think this is old and baseless it is in fact neither of those things. The Donkey Show LIVES! And we all know the most famous participant. It’s sad when your town is only know for a sexual deviant act performed in front of a hundred people at a time… That is the only thing you’re famous for, right? [and how is the swine flu effecting the donkey show trade these days?]

8) El Paso (or Juarez) is Famous for (Maybe) Inventing the Margarita – Well, when one considers having to watch The Donkey Show every afternoon at 5 on network television and the less than stellar attractiveness of the average little gorditas running around town, no wonder you had to invent a drink to obliterate all rational thoughts and your five senses. Out of necessity invention indeed blossoms.

9) One of El Paso’s Politician’s Wrote a Blog About How Shitty El Paso Is and Got Elected Anyway – Someone told me about this but I can’t find anything via google. Perhaps you can clear this up for me, UTEP fan. How exactly does one trash the city and then get voted in to the government? Wait, my question is ultimately in vain since you have proven your city to be computerless. Well, what’s the point in writing a tenth point in our Opponent Essentials…

10) Things the Cougars Did Last Night – Epic Win!



  1. “I’m not only the DonkeyShowCoordinator, I’m a also a client”…err…wait that doesn’t sound right, does it?

  2. But in his hey-day Mike Price could really knock down the 3 pointer. Being next to boys town makes a lot of sense for him, and this school does a great service in providing the mexican hookers a place to take their “hard” earned money and buy an education. In mining of course…but still. Do you guys think there is anyone that will actually stand up and defend this school? Honestly reading that made me feel kind of bad…especially after their team only had 58 total yards last week. At least the fags from Tech actually believed their team would win. I’m hoping the Miners will help a CUSA brother out and give Keenum’s stats a boost for his Heisman campaign.

  3. Man, this sucks; we need to provoke a blog.

    • Best way to do that is to introduce FAF to the Rivals.com website for UTEP as well as the NCAA Bulletin Board system. There’s a CUSA board over there that gets pretty good traffic. (www.ncaabbs.com)

    • no one supports this team, and utep has no alums because no one ever graduates…lost cause

  4. For those of us who can’t see the game due to a blackout, where’s the place to go online to find a decent live-blog?

  5. Whoops.

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