NBA All Titty-Baby Team


 

Really this post has nothing to do with the Spurs other than I needed something that said “fail’ and involved the NBA. The entire city of San Antonio fails at life, so my conscience is clean. I mean, really the only thing the city has to hang its hat on is half-championships and the Alamo. Did anyone every teach San Antonians that the Alamo was lost? Idiots with wispy mustaches

On to the point of the post. My lawyer Shane Shazam (that is his real name) and I were doing yoga (no homo, P90X) and talking about how much we hate Rashard Lewis because he is such a big titty baby. He is 6’9 or 6″10 and won’t put his ass inside the paint to do work. He just sits on the 3-point line and waits for the ball like a bitch. And the Magic gave him $120 MILLION DOLLARS to do this! Then we got to thinking about the players with the largest differential between their potential and their productivity. If you look at this list, you’ll realize they all have one thing in common: they’re soft. They’re pansies. They are titty babies. So here is our All Titty Baby Team, with starters and reserves and everything. Shane is 99% sure Bill Simmons has done this before, but we couldn’t find it in his archives and screw him anyway.

Fourth and Fifty All Titty-Baby Team 

Point Guard – Baron Davis

One could make the case he is still a high-level player in the right system and Mike Dunleavy is holding him back and he got screwed by Elton Brand. Having said that, 14.9 PPG on 37% shooting and sulking constantly is enough to get him a solid first-team nomination. Especially since he can do this. I’ve said it before – Aux Lunera (the Requiem for a Dream song) should be the de facto music for every youtube highlight.

 

Shooting Guard – Tracy McGrady

I don’t even know where to begin here. He sulked his way out of Orlando, he plays half a season every year, he grows a beard to hide his double chin, and he drives to the hole once per month at most when he is playing. Andohbytheway, it’s all his fault. Walk it off, Tracie. That video never gets old.

 

Small Forward – Rashard Lewis

The inspiration for this post. His numbers bear this out. 5.7 rebounds in 36 minutes per game is ridiculous, especially considering he plays the 4 a lot. Over half of his shots were 3s (554 out of 1,089), which is reinforced every time you see the Magic play – he just sits there waiting for someone to pass him the ball like Sasha Vujacickcick. What a bitch. I’m glad the Rockets drafted Bryce Drew and two other white guys. There, I said it. I’d rather have 3 wasted draft picks than pay Rashard Lewis over $300 million over the course of his career, which is exactly what would have happened if the Rockets had drafted him.

 

Power Forward – Lamar Odom

Shane Shazam and I were also talking about what player we’d like to trade places with – the guy with the genetics and skill set that we’d love to have. The only rule was no LeBron or Dwight Howard. I chose Lamar Odom – the height, agility, hands, quick vertical, passing, shooting, timing on defense. So why isn’t he a better player? Because he’d rather eat nerds rope all day. You know, instead of dedicating himself to being  great. Not that there is anything wrong with a sweet tooth – I’m eating Nutter Butters right now, but you don’t see it impacting my blog productivity.

 

Center – Mehmet Okur

Do I have to even say anything here? 

 

 

 

All Titty-Baby Second-Team

Point Guard – TJ Ford

An emotional titty baby. Doesn’t make his teammates better. Only averaged 5.3 assists per game, and some of that can probably be put on the Pacer’s style of play, but it always seems like he is going for his, whether it is buckets or dimes. Plus he’s made of single-pane glass. 

 

Shooting Guard – Vince Carter

The numbers don’t bear this out, but watching him play does. Knock him down once and he’ll settle for jump shots for the rest of the game. He came on a bit stronger this year, but otherwise would have been First Team, and probably had an emeritus chair in this department named after him.

 

Small Forward – Stromile Swift

This video should really piss you off. Because if Mr. Youtube makes a “Top 100 of something Stromile Swift does”, it should be “Top 100 plays where Stro doesn’t block out and the other team gets an offensive rebound” or “Top 1oo plays where Stro forgets the play” or “Top 100 plays where Stro dunks and then is too busy doing his gang sign to get back on defense”. Jeff Van Gundy had hair before he coached this guy. Not really. But if he had hair, it would have fallen out.

“Power” Forward – Drew Gooden

Has a chin beard and a neck fat beard. The stories of LeBron wanting to kill Drew are legion. Much like TJ Ford, Gooden is a titty baby of the mind: too mentally flaccid to be an effective player. Or he has ADHD and an IQ of 64. Not that those are mutually exclusive.

 

Center – Erick Dampier

Shaq says it best. And another. PWND.

 

 

 

First photo from here.  All others from here.


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7 Comments

  1. nice list, great blog

  2. Wow, you’re quite the asshole there aren’t you. I have no problems with your list, but you calling the entire city of San Antonio is just plain ignorant and idiotic. You might want to have some substance other than so-called “half championships” and the Alamo. There is plenty to hang my hat on here and it’s a great city that I call home. What you fail to realize about the Alamo is that it’s not about the victory, it’s about the fight in the people that defended the Alamo till their deaths even while being greatly outnumbered. It was a loss, but an honorable loss and one I’m proud of. You might want to try to learn a thing or two before you try to make generalizations and ignorant statements about an entire city. And by the way, aren’t you from Texas. You may as well be a New Yorker since you display absolutely zero pride for your home state and cities in the state. Good list though, keep that part of your writing up.

    • Simmer down, Mike. I can’t help it you’re from the wispy moustache capital of Texas. Several of my friends, including our writer Pipez, are from San Antonio. Look at the top of the blog – Houston Sports SATIRE. Don’t get offended that I poked fun at a battle from 1836. That wound seems a little old to be so raw.

      I like how New York is always the default place for assholes to be from. I’ve never been there for more than a day, but I wonder if they dislike being stereotyped as much as you San Antonians?

      • The “wound” is not raw, but I thought I’d just educate you on something you seem to have no idea about. And I never said anything about New York being where assholes are from. I never stereotyped anyone but you just did by your assumptions. What I was saying is that you may as well be a New Yorker, or from any other state aside from Texas since you don’t show any pride for your state and a city in your state. I really don’t understand your use of San Antonio at all aside from either jealousy or using it as a Stephen A. Smith tactic of being a total douche just for the sake of getting pageviews. I mean come on, we even gift wrapped Luis Scola for you guys. The other thing that makes me laugh is that you and other NBA fans call the 99 championship a half championship. I wonder if the Rockets won the title that year if they’d call it a half championship. Yea it was a shortened season, but the fact is every NBA team played that season and only one team came out on top. BTW, how long before Greg Oden is on this list? Oh and congrats on a great season. I was a rockets fan as soon as the Spurs lost in the first round. I was really, really hoping the Rockets would beat the Lakers. Your team really impressed me and Aaron Brooks is turning into the player I thought he could be when he was drafted.

      • Take a deep breath, Michael. We have a Spurs fan on the “payroll” which makes us 1.5% less of assholes.

  3. Hah. 1.5% less. You guys must have one hell of a giant staff. Anyway it’s all good. The fact you guys called this list of players the all titty-baby team makes it hard to dislike the post.

    • 1.5% less because we don’t let him post about the Spurs. He sneaks it in here and there though.

      Wait until next year… Maybe we can start some witty banter between Project Spurs and Fourth and Fifty. Think of the possibilities.


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