It's just like Hoffeinz - no fans!

It’s the most wonderful time of year again, my fellow FAFians. Not Christmas, not Superbowl weekend, no that time that Chick-Fil-A dropped an extra nugget in the little box. It’s March Madness.

And this year, it’s extra mad because of our much-maligned Men’s Cougar Basketball team shocking the entire country state city by putting a beat-down on C-USA and booking a spot in the Big Dance for the first time since ’92.

Now, I think its fair to say that this is total bullshit that we made it in the tournament this year. Our own coach called the team dead men walking at one point, and our record was piss-poor. But you know what? I’ll take it. No more CBI or whatever the hell that other shitty tournament is for us! Sweet Sixteen? Elite 8? Ours for the choosing. This also means that The Merm will likely be around for another year, both because he shimmied his way into the tournament when he needed it most, and because we don’t have $500K to pay him off.

Our 13th seed puts us in a tough matchup against Maryland at 8:40am on Friday. Who the hell decided we would open the day? How can I go to Buffalo Wild Wings for a 3 hour lunch at 8 in the morning? I mean, I’ll do it, but come on.

So, because we give more shits about the tourney this year, I’ve created a friendly no holds-barred FAF pool. Follow the link to sign up. Password is coogshouse.

Enjoy, and go Coogs.

- Wanks MacGruber

Image from the chron

All was quiet on the Texans front this week, allowing the team to dwell for a full 2 weeks on Kris Brown’s cock-up last week against the Colts. This means I have to write about all the other teams that decided not to take the week off.

First off, a Donnie Avery update. Guy is a stud. He caught 2 TD’s in the loss against the Saints, and had 67 yards receiving in a narrow loss to the Saints. He’s emerging as a solid choice at receiver, with 4 TD’s on the year. I still haven’t decided if it’s a good or bad thing that he’s on the Rams. One the one hand, the Rams are fucking incompetent. Marc Bulger has a noodle for an arm at this point in his career, and can barely move in the pocket. So I’d prefer he’d be on a good team, so that he could get more recognition for what he’s doing. On the other hand, if he were on a good team, he likely wouldn’t have started in his rookie year and wouldn’t have gotten the chance to do what he’s done so far in his career. Hopefully the Rams will pick it up, or he’ll get picked up in a trade.

The Cincinnati Bungles Bengals are for real. They’ve now beaten the Steelers twice this season, and are on a 3 game winning streak. They’re last loss? Against our favorite NFL team in week 6. I was sitting at home Saturday night, looking to see what was on the TV schedule for the day, finagling with my fantasy lineups for maximum suckittude domination. It suddenly struck me that I couldn’t remember what Chad Ochocinco’s former name was. Rogers? Smith? I only figured out that it was Johnson when I looked it up while writing this yesterday.

The Jets were not able to follow Coach Ryan’s advice and cut the balls off the Jaguars, falling to a late field goal. This was after Jones-Drew, a fantasy stalwart of mine, decided to run to the 1 yard line with about a minute left, and take a fucking knee. Not sure how this week is going to play out, but if I lose by 6 points, I will cut him from my team not like him very much until he scores another 3 TD’s for me.

Seabass Vollmer put on a fucking pass blocking clinic against Dwight Freeney, and earned the cock-slobbering praise of one Cris Colinsworth all night. He manhandled Freeney consistently, with little help from anyone else. Not bad for a guy who started playing Tackle in 2006, and wasn’t even invited to the NFL Combine last year.

This week, the Texans take on the Titans. Unfortunately, it’s not the 0-6, holy crap these guys are truly awful, Titans. Instead, it’s the sweet jeebus Chris Johnson is FAST, Titans. Vince Young just wins ball games, people. His retarded side arm slinging of the ball does not matter. Hopefully, the Texans D won’t leave Johnson uncovered on every play, and won’t let this happen again:

Fuck me, I hate Vince Young.

- Wanks MacGruber

Is that a beehive?

Hi, I’m Dr. Douchebag Phil. You might know me from my moderately famous, but now outdated TV show,where I act like an insufferable ass and talk down to people in an attempt to help them. Britney Spears? Totally fixed that psycho-bitch after I stormed into that hospital Norman Schwarzkopf-style and slapped her around something fierce.

But you might not realize that I played some football in my younger days. Actually you probably could tell, because I’m rather overweight. I played  a little linebacker for the Tulsa Golden Hurricane (I know, what the fuck is a Golden Hurricane, right? No idea). Here’s a few more things you might not know about my alma mater:

1.) We received an ungodly beating at the hands of the Mighty Cougars – Holy crap, my asshole hurt for a month after this one (Ed. Note: #39. Don’t be fooled the casual reference to Dr. Phil playing linebacker. FaF learned of it from the future Mrs. MacGruber’s dad, who was at the game) 11 TDs in the 2nd half? Come on, that’s not providing a positive experience for those around you know, mmmm k? Shit, Wikipedia associates it with the phrase “Running up the score”! We were a laughing stock! Much like my choice of career path!

2) When it rains, Tulsa gets raped – It happened again! and Again! And Again! Dear god make it stop! We’ve lost 70-30 in 2008, 73-14 in 1966, and 82-28 in 1988. Apparently we just aren’t that good against Houston.

3) If this is true, do I get to wear hot pants in public? FINALLY!!! – This guy obviously has a problem with his mother that manifests itself in poorly constructed sentences (Ed Note: yea, but ASLUT! Awesome!)

• 
  Mbell985 (11/3/2009 at 1:00 PM)

  Report Violation

  what is TULSA spelled backwards?!! ASLUT! Which is exactly how UH will treat TU. Wham, Bam, Thank you ma’am. Coogs win 48-24.

4) This guy has some problems too! – Apparently, the cool thing for kids to do these days is to sit around with their hand in their pants while making up shit about Oklahoma on urbandictionary.com. This guy thinks he’s so funny!

• 4) One of the few states lacking ability to recruit or keep a serious major league sports team, with the exception of the Hornets, but only by default from hurricane Katrina.
• 12) People who drive eight hours to buy porno in Dallas because it actually has penetrated women in it.

Hey Buddy, how’s this for the truth? Us folks in Oklahoma don’t like seeing women being penetrated in our porno! It’s nothing but making the beast with two backs up here!!

5) Steve Largent! – He’s a fellow alumni! A guy who was so special, the Seattle Seahawks decided it was best to just leave him on special teams, lest he make anyone on lame-o offense or defense think they weren’t good enough. And then, he became a US Congressman! He definitely didn’t have anything to do with passing legislation that forced government run mortgage companies provide huge mortgages to people who drove buses for a living! Nothing at all! (Ed Note: Seriously, that list of notable alumni is fucking weak. Ricky Ortiz? Really? A WWE wrestler is worthy of a mention as an alumnus?)

You know what? I don’t have to sit here and explain why my alma mater is awesome, or why my employees feel the need to exploit horrific events for ratings so that I can keep paying for my personal leather paddle collection. I have to decide what to have for lunch. Philly want wingy.

Wanks MacGruber: Is he gone yet?

Septimus Rex: I think so… I can’t hear the crunching of M&Ms anymore. It was thunder in my ears.

Pipez: I could actually hear him getting fatter.

(FaF, back in control)

6) Tulsa Fans are Racisty – I hate to start throwing around allegations of racism (shit, we get accused of being perverted on a daily basis by our own fanbase. J’ACCUSE!). But, here’s a little story about some “miscreant” fans at the SMU game (and keep on scrolling down on that forum to see the picture of the alledged racist fan… is that eyle-liner? Was there a Fall Out Boy concert he was supposed to see later that night?). I can say it no better than forum member “shyminer”:

rare- but not shocking considering it was a tulsa fan… ugh j/k WHEN WILL PEOPLE GET THE UNDERSTANDING WE ARE ALL HUMAN-SAPIENS??? not whites,blacks, and every color in between…

We’re all human-sapiens… totally.

7) Tulsa Identity Crisis – We’ve been there too… We can’t decide if we’re going to have a live cougar around or not (FUCK YOU PETA!!!). But, I think changing mascots all together is a little bit much. Tulsa used to have the golden hurricane mascot with the beehive as a head… or is that a tornado for a noggin? Either way, it doesn’t make much sense. But, now they’ve gone too far. The ambiguously gay, lightning sword yielding, Captain Cane is now here to the rescue. I lightning sword? A lightning sword.

Truly a mascot on par with Steely McBeam.

8) Schedule, Schmedule – Tulsa’s wins this year are against:

• Tulane (2 wins)
• New Mexico (0 wins)
• Rice (0 wins)
• Sam Houston State (FCS program)

But, even though UH has been busy beating Big 12 (TWO!) and SEC (ONE!!) programs we all have something in common. Losing to UTEP. We’re all brothers from another mothers in the end.

Nè, we are all HUMAN-SAPIENS!!!!!

Yesterday, while partaking in the Texans game on CBS, I came across Shannon Sharpe dressed as Austin Powers. I guess it was the day after Halloween, but come on. Who allows him to wear a red velvet suit on air? Is he George Costanza’s brother from another mother? Get it together CBS.

The Texans put together a solid win yesterday against a weakened Buffalo Bills. They struggled in the first half, kicking two field goals (no kicker problems there) to start the game as the Bills got a score from The Giant Douchebag Who is Waiting to Implode and Destroy the Hopes and Dreams of Buffaloans. Steve Slaton lost a fumble for the 5th time this season (leading the NFL in something! Yay!) and was promptly benched for the remainder of the game by Kubes, and rightly so. Guy needs to learn a lesson from Omar Epps, and carry the fucking ball everywhere he goes, including:

1. Weight room
2. HEB
3. Shoot ‘em up Shell at OST and Wheeler (for some tasty Schlitz’s refreshment)
4. The clubs on friday nights.

It was starting to look like another case of a Houston sports team playing to its opponents level (looking at you, Coogs!). But then, all of a sudden, the Texans decided, wait a tic: we are actually a rather capable football team, and have, on occasion, won some games. Perhaps we should fucking act like it! And lo and behold, the floodgates defensive line opened, and Ryan Moats was able to truck through the line consistently, baggin 3 TDs in the process. It’s just as well he did, since Schaub struggled, throwing 3 picks and no TD’s. Plus, The Monster That is Owen Daniels went down in the 2nd quarter to what turned out to be an ACL. Man, I bet he wished he signed that fat contract the front office offered him a few months ago…

Seriously though, that sucks balls.  Schauby will be without his 2nd favorite target for the rest of the year. Looks like former NEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRDDDDDDDDDD James Casey will get a chance to step up and make some plays. Did you know that Rice girls are ugly? James Casey does.

My own love affair with Cushing continued, as he recorded a sack and a pick. Here’s his stats so far from ESPN.com:

 

Brian Cushing #56 LB

Player Card | Career Stats | Game Log | Scores+Schedule

That’s a pretty stellar outing so far that I would put up against any other defensive rookie this year. If there are any that are doing anything, that is. He’s on pace for 132 tackles, 4 INTs and 3 sacks. I will continue to push him for Defensive ROY honors. And by pushing I mean writing it in a blog that 7 people read on a regular basis. So there. ESPN needs to update the picture for the sweet mohawk he’s got going on too.

The Texans take on the Colts this Sunday, who are 7-0 and looking tough to beat. San Fran gave them a hell of a go this week with Frank Gore (FUCK YOU FOR RUINING 7 OF MY FANTASY TEAMS OVER THE LAST 3 YEARS, BY THE WAY) running all over them. But Peyton Manning showed how much of a man he is (see what I did there?) and led them to victory. It will be important to take it to them hard so that we don’t go into the Bye week on a downer after a great start to the season. Plus, we’ve got to start beating a Colts, a Ravens, a (insert playoff team here) if we want to make a legitimate run at the playoffs. Beating Jacksonville twice and the Browns isn’t going to cut it.

- Wanks MacGruber

Image from the interwebs.

Kickin' it Old School

Ah, Homecoming. In High school, it meant trying to overcome your retardness for just one to impress the girl who you guilted into wearing a stupid fucking shiny piece of crap on her boob all day at the dance. It meant buying a cheap suit from K&G Fashion Superstore or SuitMart. And it meant embarrassment.

In college, everything would be different! We’d get laid constantly, no awkwardness, and we’d totally drink beer all the time. Only the latter happened. Instead, our awkwardness was translated into a fucking parade, and a series of skits and shitty events put on to lure Cougars on campus to giving a shit about their University. And the week usually ended with the Coogs struggling to beat the likes of Army, UAB or Tulsa before they got better.

In the last few years, Coogs have played better, and I’ve seen more and more people out at homecoming. The University seemed to realize that football is the key to everything in life, and put more effort into making the gameday experience better. Here’s a quick preview of the events at the game this week:

1) Carl Lewis!! Won some gold medals!!! He’ll be the honorary team captain this week. If there is a God, he will surely allow Carl to take the mic on the national anthem..

2) Free Shit!!! Celebrate the awesomeness of the above C to the L by being one of the first 5,000 fans, and you get a poster. 50 of you will get a signed one! That could be worth $10 on the black market for posters signed by really old athletes! Hopefully it will make it through the game and the congratulations handshakes and dog piles in the stands as we ignite the scoreboard.

3) Homecoming King and Queen We get to find out who will freeze their balls/boobs off at the Thanksgiving Day parade this year. This is always the most awkward part of the homecoming day. Everyone pretends like it matters, but is secretly hoping that it’s 100 degrees out so that we can see the candidates sweat balls at midfield.

4) Party like its 1999!! The 1999 football team will be honored during the game. Not during the actual  play of the game, that would just be absurd. Bunch of old guys standing on the field while Case dumps one to Carrier for another 14 yards. It would be madness. They’re being recognized because they went 7-4 and beat LSU.  Wow, that’s weak. Can’t we just trot out Yeoman again so all the old folks can feel nostalgic for a few hours and go home and write some checks? No one’s going to pony up the Benji’s for a live cougar if the best we can muster is a 7-4 team. Speaking of large cats…

I WILL EAT YOUR FACE!!

5) FUCKING LIVE COUGARS! YES. Finally. Two cougars will prowl the parking lot. They will march in the parade to the beat of the fight song and Whooooooooooooooooooooooos Hoouuuuuuuuuuuuuse???. They will prey on small children stupid enough to wander into their path, hoping to rub the fuzzy nose of the cute kitty. Got some news for you kiddo, this isn’t a kitty, it’s a fucking killing machine. A live “Mustang” (read: a horse that won’t fucking listen to anybody, not realizing it will end up in the glue factory if it doesn’t know it’s place) will also be paraded at the game. It will serve as lunch for Shasta and Sasha. Small children alone will not satisfy them, they need a main course. Come watch as they tear the pony limb from limb, all for our bloodlust enjoyment.

Perhaps I jumped the gun a little on that one. The Cougars will be caged up, and probably drugged out of their minds so that they don’t go all psycho zoo animal on anyone. Still, this could be the beginning of having a permanent beast on campus. They will be in the parade at noon, and then outside Gate 11 until gametime.

Oh, and there’s a football game apparently. I wouldn’t call it much of a game. I don’t give a shit that SMU is 2-0 in conference play. They still blow ass. I’m expecting a good shellacking by the Cougars, a la the Northwestern state game. I think we’ll dominate from start to finish like we know we can. Hopefully this won’t give the football team any inspiration. Final Score: UH 52 SMU 24.

- Wanks MacGruber

Pic from here and a MacGruber orginal (i.e forgot where I found it)

Just go deep, they can't cover us for shit!

Normally, a victory of the Bungles would be nothing worth noting. A foregone conclusion when the schedule comes out each year. And so it seemed in the off-season.  But somehow, someway, the Bengals managed to jump out to a 4-1 start. They led the AFC North going into the game (still do thanks to a tie break over the Steelers), and looked damn good for a team of criminals nobodies.

The Texans managed to run for more than one yard this week (87 total!) and picked up a solid win against a good team. Schaub went crazy again, with a 70% completion rate, 392 yards and 4 TD’s. Owen Daniels regained some of his prior season form catching 2 of those TD’s. Slaton had 102 receiving yards and a TD.

Have we noticed a trend yet? The Texans can PASS. They can pass exceedingly well, in fact. Why oh why must we try to run the ball 30 times a game? It’s not working, and won’t work with the current personnel. The screen passes and little dumps to Slaton are as effective as any running game, and we’re doing them well. So why try to be something you’re not? We’re not Denver, with a platoon of backs than can one cut and go. We’re the Texans, with a patchwork O-Line (actually playing well), and midget Steve Slaton with no backup. To quote Coach Kilmer: Stick to the basics! And for us, they basics are wide receiver screens to Slaton and hoisting the ball to Andre Johnson wherever he is on the field.

The defense had another strong outing. Any time you can hold a good offense, with a resurgent Cedric Benson and Carson Palmer, to 17 points, you’re in with a shot. They forced and recovered 2 fumbles, had a pick and 1 sack. Cushing is making a serious charge at the Defensive Rookie of the Year Award. He had 6 tackles, 3 assists, the interception and 4 passes defended. He plays with a fire that the Texans haven’t had beside DeMeco Ryans.

But the defense still isn’t getting any pressure. They had one hit on Palmer: the sack. How does that even count as a hit? Isn’t it a given that a sack is a QB hit? When will fantasy football sites start allowing points for hits on the QB? Will I ever stop writing questions? Why should I? Does Rex think McNabb should be punched in the bruised ribs repeatedly after their loss? When will Kevin Kolb kill McNabb make his plea for a trade because Andy Reid won’t play him more but will put The Dog Whisperer in for a few plays as a distraction that no defense is scared of? Speaking of UH players in the NFL…

Bonus UH Players in the NFL Update!!!!

Solid week for the Coogs. Stellar win over Tulane, up to #17 in the rankings, with the same in the BCS, and some good action in the bigs. Donnie Avery caught another TD in the Rams loss to the Jaguars (2 on the year), Stanford Routt defended the 4th down pass against the Eagles that sealed the Raiders victory, and had a pick-six called back for pass-interference (almost counted!), and the big German Vollmer had a fantastic game against the Titans starting at left tackle and smothering Kyle Vanden-Douche all damn day in the Patriots rapage of the Titans. Man it was a pleasure to watch them get fisted in those throwback uniforms. Fuck you, Bud Adams. Apparently that’s what you have to say when talking about the Titans. I know nothing of his deeds being a dirty foreigner.

- Wanks MacGruber

Image from here

UPDATE:

That is all.

Big 12? Amateurs. SEC? UFL prospects at best. C-USA? Now you’re striking fear into the hearts of Cougar fans everywhere.

Each C-USA opponent worries me in a different way. UTEP, it’s really far away, so our boys got tired and couldn’t perform. Rice, the girls on the sidelines are so damn ugly our players could be blinded and not be able to play. Tulane? They’re close to New Orleans. Shit hole before the storm, shit hole after the storm.

1.) New Orleans: Now with 20% less murder! Seriously, New Orleans sucks ass. It’s dirty, smells, and its where everyone goes to be able to piss in the street. What the fuck is so much fun about buying a $12 drink in a piece of plastic, only to vomit it up shortly thereafter? Nothing, I say.

2.) Your QB is weak and puny! He couldn’t even sustain a light grazing from Phillip “I’ll eat your soul” Hunt!

3.) Inclement Weather is breaking news Is your program so boring that this is the front page of the athletics site? Some artful maneuvering of scheduled practices around some rain? I’m trying to think of a witty pun involved a rather large storm a few years ago, and lack of ability to maneuver around that, but it escapes me….

4.) You like to wave at opposing teams

Green “Wave”

At the Tulane-TCU football game on August 30, 2003, student Sean McCloskey and some of his classmates started the Green “Wave” tradition at Tulane. McCloskey supplied green gloves for the student body to wear at the game, and the students then waved goodbye with their green hands every time the opposing offense left the field. This tradition was picked up by the Tulane University Athletics Department in 2005. It is used in a similar manner to the Tomahawk Chop or Gator Chomp.

Yes, it’s exactly like those hand movements, except its not 100,000 people doing it, it’s 27. Not quite the same effect.

5.) And what the hell kind of nickname is Green Wave? Unless you plan on playing teams with Cymophobia year in year out, that mascot isn’t going to scare anyone. How would you even put a live mascot onto the campus? What? It happened in 2005? Oh, ok. Fair play.

6.) Not so good at bowling Your last bowl game was in 2002, the Hawaii Bowl. While it was a win, UH would show you how it’s fucking done the next year. You don’t go to Hawaii to win, you go there to fight with the locals. (Careful, watching the video will make you vomit at how bad our defense was).

7.) Fuck it There is literally nothing interesting about your university.  I just spent the last 30 minutes trying to find something, anything to make fun of that didn’t involve hurricanes. Nothing. You suck Tulane, how dare you impede our attempts to trivialize your school by doing it yourselves. Get ready for a pillaging this Saturday!

- Wanks MacGruber

One is the most suicidal number you'll ever see.

One is certainly the loneliest number that you’ll ever see. The Texans left it out on the University of Phoenix field Sunday. It’s just hanging out at the goalline. Shooting the shit with the endzone paint. Waiting to be picked up. Not gonna happen, little buddy. Because the Texans don’t have a short yardage back. We have the best receiver in the game, a fantastic tight end, an up-and-coming speed-demon for a regular back, an offensive line that has vastly improved over the last season, and a QB that can make plays.

But we don’t have a giant mother-effer who can ram it up a team’s ass and gain a few yards. At least Ron Dayne could fall forward enough to get 1.5 yards.

The Texans play to their usual shite standards for the first half. Arizona walked all over them. The defense couldn’t get any pressure on Kurt Warner, allowing him to find Fitty twice for TD’s.  Texans went into the half down 21-0. The predictable thing to do would be for the Texans to continue to try and run the ball, ineffectively. For some strange reason, the team appeared to change things. We realized that we suck at running the ball, and just passed it a shit load.

And it totally worked! What a glorious revelation! Chris Brown farted and somehow found his way into the endzone. Andre Johnson was his usual manly self, catching 2 TD’s, including one that was pure leg strength as he bulled his way into the endzone. All was right with the world, as we tied the game and had all the momentum. Kurt Warner looked like he knew his wife was going to use the extra-wide appendage that night.

Until Matt Schaub threw a horrendous pass into the arms of Domnique-Ihavetoomanynamestofitonmyjersey, who took it to the house.

But wait! There’s 2:20 left on the clock! Plenty of time right? Especially with our receivers, right?! Wrong.

We managed to march it down to the goaline, at which point the Texans realized that they had better start acting like the Texans and find a way to lose the game, lest they make any of their fans happy. 3 chances, 3 stops by the Arizona defense. Ball Game.

The Texans are so close to being a good team. I think. But then again, the 2 wins we have this year? Came against opponents who are 1-9.

-Wanks MacGruber

This chick needs to run some additional field rushing drills this week in practice

Everyone needs to stand up as tall and thin as they can. Reason? Because we need some more space on the Cougar Bandwagon. We managed to fill it up before the Tech game. Now it’s bursting at the seams.

UH outlasted the Raiders 29-28 in a gritty, hard fought game. We played rough for most of the encounter. Our run defense looked like the Briles Years team. Our tackling was horrendous for most of the game, possibly due to a lack of tacklin’ fuel. The following video should be required viewing for our D before the next game/ever game (NSFW for language. And from 3:15 to 3:50 is the Theismann leg snappage for those of us that do not like seeing human mutilation. Also, it sort of turns into a USC Reggie Bush highlight reel, and then randomly goes back to bone-crushing hits. This parenthetical has gone on way too long. I’ll stop. Starting now.):

All that being said, I thought our defense played a solid game overall. We held Tech to 28 points, something not a lot of teams can say. We didn’t give up many plays, the only way Tech can beat teams. The goalline stand with 6 minutes to go in the game was epic. Granted, the Pirate should have kicked the field goal, but we will take poor coaching decisions any day. D line played outstanding against a massive offensive line.

(Speaking of the Pirate,  Man the Riggin’s! (nets, not John of Redskins fame). Thar might be a mutiny afoot! Cast the sails!)

Case Keenum was his usual badass self, going 38-58 for 435 yards, but only 1 TD and an INT. He ran for 27 yards with the game winning 4 yard TD with 49 seconds remaining. The 95 yard drive to win the game was the stuff Heisman campaigns are made of. He’s defintely increasing his exposure, on a week in which 2 frontrunners, Jacory Harris and Jahvid Best both shat the bed with off performances in losses.

Keenum tosses to Carrier without moving an inch....

Sumlin his completely changed the mindset of this team. We never crapped our pants when we were behind and kept giving up 6 yard run after 6 yard run. We never crapped our pants when OUR FUCKING KICKER MISSED 2 FIELD GOALS. We simply stuck to our gameplan, made huge play after huge play in the 4th quarter, and come through in a huge game. Some of the plays on the last drive caused me to leave the delicious BBQ from our tailgate in my seat at Robertson. Dear god my heart can’t take this kind of excitement.

As I watched ESPN SportsCenterU this morning (on which we got approximately 15 seconds of game footage coverage, and less than a minute of discussion, by the way), some random talking head brought up a great point: Now comes the hard part. It’s easy to get up for huge games, with the crowd going apeshit, and with an “Us against the world” attitude. Not so much when we visit UTEP and Tulane, or when SMU comes to town. Now, we are their chance at some stardom. Knocking us off would make some of these team’s seasons, and they will be gunning for us.  Hopefully we can keep the train rolling. Hands and feet in, and I better see that many people out at every home game from here on out!

Keenum for Heisman.

- Wanks MacGruber

Images from here and here

Don't look directly into his eyes, Bob! HE'LL EAT YOUR SOUL!!!

Before I get to one of the best Texans wins in a long time, a quick word on the Cowboys.

As I tune in to NBC, I expect a slobberfest regarding the new stadium. The Today Show was there Friday morning. The entire pre-game was a Jerry Jones hand-job. But the above picture really tells the story. It tells a love story, between Bob Costas and whoever is put in front of him, with those piercing blue eyes. A little close  to Jerry there, aren’t you Bob? Lucky for me, the fellatio was off-screen.

This continued throughout the game, but there was this little snippet of humility for the man who doesn’t even know what that means:

YEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! I’M DIGGIN’ FOR GOLD!!

You would think someone worth that much money would have someone to pick his nose for him. Or at lesat have the common sense to take it to the bathroom so as not to be seen on TV. On to the Texans

Holy shit what a game. Leave it to the Texans to damn near force me to switch to the NFL Network RedZone channel (which is 75 kinds of awesome, by the way), only to come roaring back and start looking like an actual NFL team. They were tackling and everything! Tennessee kept giving it to the Texans, with Chris Johnson tearing our defense apart, as he did in both meetings last year. He embarrased the D when he was left uncovered for a 69 yard TD catch. This after a 57 yard run saw him basically untouched.

Other than a few big plays, the Texans defense played pretty well.They were aggressive, got plenty of pressure on Collins, forcing lots of mistakes, and tackled much better than last week. Mario Williams continues to prove to be a force to be reckoned with. Cushing has a mean streak in him that I love to watch. He doesn’t take shit of anyone, and knows he can hang with anyone on the field.

The passing game was great. Andre is a fucking man, and is 40, as they like to say. He cannot be stopped. Schaub played well, throwing 4 TD’s. The running game is still piss-poor though. When will Kubiak/Shanahan realize that this team will need to throw to set up the run. You’ve got the best receiver in the game, a running back who can catch out of the back field, a Pro-Bowl tight end, and two other receivers (Walter and Davis) who can contribute, and yet you continue to try and establish a power running game with 5’9″ Steve Slaton and Chris Brown? We won’t always be so lucky, and throw for 357 yards to win the game. Got to back off those safeties more so Stevie Wonder can scamper around the field.

The Texans did what they needed to do. They stole a game they were expected to lose, to make up for the game they were expected to win, but lost. It’s their first September win since 2007, which is absurd. So they’re right were most people expected, just backwards. They host 0-2 Jacksonville next week, a team that has struggled to do much this season (MJD, you better pick it up soon, you’re killing my team!). After the Jags, the Texans play the Raiders, Cardinals, Bengals and Buffalo before the Colts. Texans need to be 5-2 going into that game. Hopefully this game will fire up the Texans enough to build some momentum.

Oh, and go Coogs, fuck Texas Tech.

- Wanks MacGruber

Wow.Just wow.

I’ve never seen UH play a more complete game. I’ve never seen them stay so disciplined, so focused, so determined. That’s all from Big K-Sum. An Art Briles team would have shat themselves when they were up, and would have let up. They would have shat themselves when OSU had an incredible 3rd quarter to turn the game into a game.

The cougars defense decided to throw up a big middle finger to every single analyst who said we couldn’t stop the potent OSU offense.  “Pez” (because he’s tall and his name rhymes with it) had 5 catches for 85 yards and no TD’s. He did have a monster punt return for a touchdown in the 3rd. But overall, UH contained him. Our puny, young, in experienced, CUSA corners were all over him. We were tacklin’ machines out there, swarming to the ball, getting after the QB, and generally causing problems all over the field. Yea, we gave up 35 points, but we looked damn good.

Here are some running thoughts, in chronological order from the game. I intiially intended to keep track of times these thoughts came into my head. However, I started losing my shit when we took it to them, and did lose it when we fought tooth and nail to win the game in the 4th. Enjoy my emotional rollercoaster.

Pre-Game:

Lots of paddles in the crowd tonight. Methinks there is a lot of spanking/insertion in Oklahoma, generally.

Coogs are off to a flying start with the offense

FSN shows the lineups. Do you think OSU d-lineman #98 wears rec specs when he plays? I’d respect him a little more if he did.

Damn. Keenum’s laser rocket arm throws one to the OSU defense.

Zac Robinson is wearing a single sleeve. Because two sleeves on a QB would just be gay.

And another thing, his parents couldn’t spring for the K on his name? Really?

Fumble recovery by UH. Defense is bringing the thunder all over the place.

CASE KEENUM FOR HESIMAN! Great scramble on a broken-down play.

defense is all over Pez Bryant

I’M A MAN! I’M 40!!! First sighting of Gundy

Cougars run their first running play of the day half way through the first quarter

Jim Jeffcoat scares the poop out of me

Sound tackling throughout

Coogs kick a field goal to take a 10-0 lead. Looking great so far. Although I’m always nervous when a UH player has to kick the ball.

2nd quarter starts, OSU haven’t been in the game

And they follow that up by scoring after driving all over the Coogs. Damn

Coogs still passing all over them.

Great to see Patrick Edwards running around with both legs intact. Seriously, he looks like nothing happened, that’s some serious mental toughness. I wouldn’t go near a piece of metal again for the rest of my life.

Edwards wide open for the 6!! Coogs passing game is unstoppable.

HOLY BALLS FAKE KICKOFF RECOVERED BY COOGS. My shit has been misplaced.

Coogs are to win, not to keep it close. All sides of the ball are bringing it.

My god the Coogs looked good in the first half. We’re going to win the National Championship and Keenum will sweep the college football awards. Unfortunately, he’ll be drafted by the Rams next year.

Pez Bryant is really good at dropping the ball. The Raiders will take him 2nd overall next year.

Robinson is running all over us. This drive needs more tackling.

OSU takes in for 6 to make it 24-14. Coogs need to remove heads from asses quick.

Coogs REALLY need heads out of asses. Nothing going on this drive.

GAAAAAAHHHH Bryant takes in 82 yards for a touchdown on the kick. Shocking coverage from UH.

The OSU fan wearing the wrestling belt is that guy at parties. Who like to rape women.

The coogs look a littel flustered out there, can’t make much happen on their next drive.

Jeebus. Pokes go 81 yards on 4 plays to take the lead 28-24. Last year is flooding back to me now.

Teams trade quick drives. Carrier has a solid punt return of 30 yards to the OSU 33. Time to make it count

Coogs take it down to the 1 as the offense starts clicking. 4th quarter time mother fuckers. Bring the pain.

Some fucking terrible offciating as they won’t give Keenum the TD on two consecutive bad spots.

Just realized that I don’t think Dugat has even made it onto the field yet.

Beall rams it up there asses for 6! Coogs back in front, looking like they want the win bad.

Coogs kicking and kick coverage game really needs some work. Has for the last 8 years though, really.

It’s too easy for OSU to move the ball right now. Defense is missing tackles, not getting pressure.

Touchdown to Cooper. Would I rather have a close 4th quarter with a Coogs win that a blowout? Fuck and no.

Big play to start the drive from Carrier. Guy is a fucking demon out there.

Keenum looking like a stud, finding any target he wants in space.

DUUUUGAAATT!! guy is a BEAST! We need more of him every drive.

HOLY SHIT COCKFUCK BALLS!!!! WE ARE WINNING THIS GAME!! Keenum’s broken play pass is tipped by a linebacker, into the hands of an open Bryce Beall. Refs review to see if he crossed the line of scrimmage, and he was damn close. 38-35. HO.LY.SHIT.

And again OSU has incredible starting field position. Ugh.

FUMBLE! DAVID HUNTER IS A MAN! HE’S 40!!!2nd recovery by him today.

Coogs can’t do much on the drive, keeping it for only 1:34.

Finally a touchback by the Coogs

JAMAL ROBINSON WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Play of the program? Play of the program.

OSU knows it. I’m not acknowledging it. Nope. Not yet. My dogs have not moved from their positions of the last 45 minutes. I am having to pin them down for superstitious reasons, even though they may just piss on the couch.

Incompletions all over the place, but they keep converting when the need to.

Ball is tipped! That’s the game!!!!!!!!!!!!!

An outstanding performance all around from the Coogs. Sumlin did a superb job getting them ready for this one, especially on defense. Bryant was contained most of the game. Never been more proud to wear the U and H.

Tech: You’re next.

- Wanks MacGruber

Image from here.

Last night marked the glorious return of the NFL to our TV screens. This is a time of wonder and amazement, as we all rejoice at the sight of severely enhanced males clashing into each other with extreme force, all for our entertainment. Try to forget the ugly sight of Vince Young wearing a Houston Oilers logo on his helmet.  Try to forgot the sight of Alge Crumpler’s enormous ass making you question your ranking him 4th overall in TE’s.  Try to forget that Lendell White must have drank a lot of tequila to lose that much weight. For these are the sights that football is back.

Across the country, fans are compiling their fantasy draft boards in preparation for the weeks ahead. If you’re anything like these authors, and particularly Regginald, you’ll participate in somewhere between 2 and 78 fantasy leagues/teams.  And in all of those leagues, you will end up with at least 2 players on every single team. This happens because you use the same draft listing of best to worst players for every draft. It’s your tried and true secret to success.

But it inevitably leads to very similar teams across the board for you. I once ended up with 7 of the same players on two teams, thanks to Yahoo auto-drafting and a crappy player ranking list. So I suggest you create multiple draft orders based on the following:

• Best to worst for each position
• Most likely to end up fighting for playoff spots near season’s end, instead of sitting out for the last 3 weeks
• Most likely to not get hurt and totally fuck your season because you traded 3 other starters for him.
• Just for fun, players who will definitely get suspended during the season, so you can see how bad your team can be.

So choose wisely in these upcoming drafts.  And vary your choices. It’s lame to see your team fail every week because Edgarrin James had yet another 63 yard 0TD performance on your 4 teams.

- Wanks MacGruber

Image from here.

We generally stay away from writing about UT, primarily because they are widely considered to be dooshers, and partly because our local paper takes care of their required ass-kissing. But this article required a mention.

The Golden Boy of UT took out an insurance policy on himself recently, to the tune of a $3-5 million payout in the event of a career-ending injury. Now, I am not a superstitious fellow (apart from always putting my right shoe on first while avoiding black cats at all costs), but this seems to be jinxing yourself in a big way. Trying to secure a nice pay day in case a Gilbert Brown-sized defensive tackle lands on you seems to be asking for it to happen.

Where's ma sandwhich??!

But apparently, this is all the rage in the NCAA these days. Tebow, Bradford, even basketball players like Tyler Hansborough have all taken out policies at some point in their careers.  Even coaches are suggesting it to their players, especially when they forgoe the draft to stay an extra season. This could be the college football version of the Madden Curse? If Bradford or Tebow go down this year, people may start to wonder. While they sit at home with an icepack on their knee and $2.7 million in the bank (after taxes, of course), they will sit and wonder about how it might have gone had they thrown caution to the wind, not taken out the policy and been injury free. They’d be drafted by the 49ers, and they’d get a guaranteed $42 million.

On second thoughts, maybe its worth getting the policy and tempting fate. At the very least, it seems that everyone just wants to get paid:

- Wanks MacGruber

Images from here and here

This ball would hit a small child right between the eyes

Apparently the Schaubster is enough of a celebrity golfer to play in the 20th annual American Century Celebrity Golf Championship in Lake Tahoe alongside the likes of Tony Romo, Chuck Lidell, Ray Romano and Maury Povich. Rick Rhoden (who looks suspiciously like Allen Stanford; ever seen them in the same room together? Didn’t think so….), former MLB pitcher, was the official winner. But, Schaub won the award for best accuracy on Sunday after beaning the shit out of some woman in the head.

That’s right, our fearless leader is so accurate with his golf swing that he can pick out some bitch who was probably talking during his back-swing all god-damn day. I think it’s blatantly obvious that she deserved it. Standing to the side of the green like that… Who does she think she is? Apparently she had also just started playing golf, and Schaub felt pretty bad for hitting her, even autographing a golf ball for the victim (by the way, how the fuck do you do that? There’s no way you can get a normal signature on a golf ball. He probably just wrote “go fuck yourself, that’s what you get for standing in the way of my beautiful fucking draw shot).

Au contraire, mon ami (that’s Frog-language for back the fuck up bitch!). I’m glad that you learned the dangers of golfing early in your fledgling amateur career. Golf is a fucking dangerous sport. And don’t even get me started on the driving portion:

The best part of this is that Schaub was still able to par the hole. Apparently, the ball landed 60 feet from the pin on the green, and he was able to close it out with a two put. His hand-eye coordination has obviously improved. The Andre brothers, Owen Daniels and Jacoby “Please just let me return kick-offs” Jones are grateful.

- Wanks MacGruber

Image from here

I don’t often pretend to know something about the Astros. Well, I do, but I still act like I don’t. But even I notice that there’s a little problem going on right now. The Astros beat the Nats 5-0 yesterday to finish at .500 going into the All-Star Break.

Herein lies the problem. The Astros don’t need a good season this year. They need to be awful. They need to finish 10 games out of first place, behind the fucking Pirates. And they need to play awful doing it.

The Astros are pretty old. Berman, Oswalt, Tejada, Lee, Blum. They’re on the down-slope of their careers. And keeping them around for too much longer is only going to hurt the Astros long-term. The young players need playing time. The Farm system needs new prospects to start developing. And they’re not going to get there by continuing to keep a bunch of old guys on the team to try and scrape into the playoffs, only to get hammered in the first round.

Drayton wants to win. But he wants to win now. He doesn’t want to sit back and develop talent, and he doesn’t want a season or two of taking it up the poop chute while new guys work on their games. Because doing that doesn’t put asses in seats and beers down throats. But that’s what it’s going to take. It’s going to take trading some of these players to another sucker team for some fresh young players or prospects. A piss-poor finish to the season would convince D-Mac to make some wholesale changes. Hopefully.

But it needs to happen sooner rather than later. This season. Right after they come back from the All-Star break. The longer he waits, and the longer he clings on to the belief that the Astros are a winner, the longer it will take to dig out of the hole.

- Wanks MacGruber

Image from the Chron