"I like it in the butthole. Seriously."

Fourth and Fifty has gained information ahead of the announcement of LeBron James’ choice of teams later tonight. Before the hour-long special – the LeBronathon if you will – the NBA and David Stern will reveal some crucial changes to help The King make up his mind. With the signs pointing to LeBron joining the Miami Heat to play along side Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade, Stern wanted to make sure to allow his youngest nova to flourish.

Sources close to the rules committee have told Fourth and Fifty that the NBA is prepared to add at least one, if not two, basketballs to the court during the duration of the game. Ensuring that each of the major stars will get their touches was listed as the most important reasons the change is being considered. This will be the first time more than one ball will be in play since the 1874 championship when the Topeka Tornadoes defeated the Charleston Green Sox.

After learning about the potential change in gameplay, we reached out to Stern for comment. He told us that “it is essential for the NBA’s ability to grow in new markets. We want to see star power. By adding a second ball to the game we can allow teams with multiple stars to expand creativity and add excitement.” I think that’s what he said because all I wrote down in my notebook however was “China, China, China, LeBron, China, LeBronski, China…”

Because LeBron is playing with his basketball camp right now, he was unavailable for comment. Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade, however, told us in tandem “whatever we can do to get BronBron down to Miami we will do it. Blowskies, handskies, buttskies, whatever it takes.”

When asked to comment, Paul Pierce, KG and Ray Allen said, “what? we weren’t worth two basketballs?”

The league has said it will be willing to consider adding another basket at both ends of the court as well if LeBron thinks that will be best for his point totals next year. They have also mentioned giving the New York Knicks 24 free wins if James will sign to play in Madison Square Garden and are prepared to H-bomb the shit out of New Jersey if the Nets win out.

81-73.

The University of Houston is your 2010 C-USA Tournament Champions.

FUH-mazing.

Now, they’re off to the dance to be at 14 seed and walk into the clutches of, say… a Villanova.

I’m a bit speechless… Then again, FaF has been completely speechless since January 15th.

First NCAA Tournament since 1992. Congrats, Coogs.

Praise the baby lord jeebus! The Cougars beat Memphis twice this year?! TWICE!?!

If only we can streak through the tournament and make it to the big dance… Oh, what joyous times those would be. Our first tourney appearance since 1992? I’ll take two.

Then, we can get what we have always wanted… A long term deal locking the Merm up for perpetuity. We could own that blessed man until his curls go straight. Just think of the possibilities. I’ve always said that he would bring this program back to prominence. I wrote it in stone long before blogs were even invented.

Here’s to the future.

O HAI Faftonians.

We’re not dead yet…

Feel free to use this comment section for the next 10 weeks.

No, I’m talking about the fact that Google missed the boat on their “Parisian Love” advertisement during the Super Bowl. There’s no need for this touchy-feely, warm-n-fuzzy shit in the middle of my big game. I want to laugh. I want to see Betty White drop a “that’s not what your girlfriend said” line. I want to see toys take a cheap car for a joy ride. I want to see Megan Fox in a tub and a ton of people getting slapped in the face. And, while we’re on the topic, can we just start a petition for zero pantsless dudes next year? Reginald Blackstone pitching a tent during the CareerBuilder and Dockers commercials was a bit disconcerting.

With that in mind, I think that they finally rectified the situation with this stellar reprise:

Tiger Woods search FTW!!!

[via Guyisms: Google Should Have Used Tiger Woods for Their Super Bowl Ad]

I color my nails with White Out because I'm lonely.

Have at it, you heathens. I know you want to talk all about signing day and how much you’re looking forward to having the new recruiting class. Maybe you can throw in a couple of woulda-coulda-shoulda’s in reference to Jackson Jeffcoat signing with the Longhorns.

You’ve certainly already seen it, touched it, smelled it, tasted it… but here’s your list of 2010 Commits anyway (according to Scout.com).

The Cougars ended up ranked #54 by Scout.com (here) and #45 by Rivals.com (here), but they will always be #1 in our hearts. Right, boys?

With 12 of the 27 total recruits being on the defensive side of the ball, it looks like Sumlin is really trying to shore up the weakest part of the team. That’s good news. Considering the offensive powerhouse that is the Coogs, I would imagine it would be rather difficult to recruit kids with the “well, you’re going to get embarrassed at every practice. Then, on game day, you’re going to drop your pants around your ankles and take it like a man,” line.

Especially with the flight of coordinators away from the program, being able to maintain the high level of Commits through signing day is particularly a good sign. Then again, with Oklahoma State coming in with the #18 recruit class (or #31, depending who you ask), maybe Holgorsen didn’t need to do any Lane Kiffin-style pilfering.

So, there you go. I wrote a bunch of words to justify you writing a bunch of words in the comments section. Feel free to just skip the rest of this nonsense… BUT, IF YOU DO skip my next 300 words, you’re going to miss one of the all-time great commercials.

DYNAMO – ZE FUTBOL IZ BACK! Once again the Dynamo will kick off the season against in-state-rival FC Dallas. March 27th is the day that the MLS will kick off once again, only to trudge through a mediocre season and be surprised by a sub-.500 team winning the cup. Oh, the joy of the soccer. The rest of the Dynamo schedule can be found here.

TEXANS – It wasn’t just signing day for college recruits, it’s been signing week for the Texans who decided that after their first winning season needed to be celebrated. In honor of such an accomplishment they picked up Matt Schaub’s $10M option based mostly on the fact that he made the Pro Bowl by default AND the Texans also gave Gary Kubiak a new deal to keep him through the 2012 season. That settles that… Now we just have to wait until Houston is everyone’s favorite “darkhorse” pick to make a playoff run. Ah, the optimism of the off-season.

ASTROS – Did something by signing someone… Seriously, anybody want to write about the Astros for FaF? I’m tired of pretending to care. I’d rather watch every curling match of the Winter Olympics than a single baseball game next season (though, I will be going to Wrigley in May… Take that, a-holes!).

KEVIN KOLB – I’m trying to keep up my end of the bargain with publishing KK related news. Will the Eagles keep Vick? Will they trade him? Will they release him? Will they put him in a rape stand until he pleads Uncle Tom? Who knows… (the Shadow knows). The latest reports are that the Iggles are going to pick up Vick’s option. $5.25Million for a third-string quarterback? Why not… You released Brian Dawkins, yet want to keep Michael Vick. Fuck you, Philadelphia management. Stop messing with my heart.

ROCKETS – The Scrapulous Rockets are moving Jermaine Taylor from the D-League back to the bench. This is noteworthy because… I really don’t know why. Fuck it. Let’s move on.

UNIVERSITY of HOUSTON – Lost to UTEP. Let’s just pretend that didn’t happen.

FRENCH AIDeS COMMERCIALS – Let me preface this by saying THIS IS NOT SUITABLE FOR WORK. Under any circumstances, do not open this if your boss is near you. Actually, I’m not too sure how touchy cartoon almost-porn is these days. But I don’t want to hear any “Septy, you didn’t tell us that it was going to be two dudes boffing a watermelon… Woe is me. I am no unemployed.” So, you’ve been warned.

We pretty much suck at following up with some of the big ideas that we have at Fourth and Fifty. That being said, we absolutely suck at trying to brag about our accomplishments. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. We brag all the time. But saying that I’m hung like a goddam beluga in our New Year’s Eve post is not the same as bragging about something that is braggable (even though I am… Greg Oden ain’t got nothing on me).

With that, I’d like to congratulate the Fourth and Fifty staff, all of our commentors/bottom-posters, and those of you that have read but remained silent. Ten days ago was the first anniversary for FaF and all of you were what made this possible. No, we didn’t make any money. We had a hell of a lot of laughs though. We almost got into a fight or two. And, we all made some friends (even if we’re not “real life” friends… we should probably keep it that way in most of your cases).

So, on this day when Jackson Jeffcoat will don the University of Texas hat in front of hundreds of his high school hanger-ons (live stream here), lets take a moment to give us a big pat on the back.

Use the comments section to share your favorite moments in FaF history as the boards at CoogFans go apeshit when their beloved Jeffcoat falls through just as we knew he would. Exhalting Fourth and Fifty will pour salt in that already painful wound. Don’t do it for us, do it so they squirm.

The State of the Union is Gangsta

My fellow FaFtonians, I stand in here today to tell you that the state of Fourth and Fifty is STRONG. We have more swagger than ever. There are more than five people that read this site daily. Three and a half people write for this display of internet genius semi-annually. We have staved off criticism, blazed our own trail, brought the forces of at least eleven different fan bases TO THEIR KNEES with inappropriate humor, cursing, and, most importantly, a healthy dose of dick/fart/whore jokes.

As you know, we just celebrated our one year anniversary. I tell you this. WE ARE NOT DONE! We will not be satisfied until the world cowers at the might of Fourth and Fifty. World domination… no, INTERSTELLAR DOMINATION will be the only thing that will sate our thirst. We must keep our eyes on that prize. The internet is the ever expanding final frontier and we (all 12 of us) will conquer and establish our own brand of government… A government steeped in totalitarian theory, oppression, and bottom posting.

The leaders of nations have already approached me. They want us to have mercy. They want us to spare their young and powerless. The world trembles before our might like Haitians in an earthquake. We will not relent. There will be no remorse. We will prevail.

The spirit of FaF lives in each and every one of you. From crazy, head-butting, Chad to the unfortunate Dallasonian, OneTon to our favorite stalker, Big Hitter. Even the Rev. J. Dazzle shares the life-blood of Fourth and Fifty. We will march forth. We will bring our agenda of “pejorative falsehoods and sexual obscenities” to the rest of the world. We will make fun of Ken Hoffman, but when we do battle on the radio waves Pipez will not freeze up. We will attack the blob that is John Royal. We will demand that the Houston Press recognizes our fortitude. AND. WE. WILL. RULE. THIS. GALAXY.

May JBJ bless you. May he bless us all.

ASTROS – I was going to make fun of this video of Lance Berkman… But since I already made a Haiti joke, I think I’m just going to let it go. Nothing gets me revved up in the morning like some soft piano music… The quote of note hits your pretty quick “I always tell people that I overcame a ‘drug problem.’ My parent drug me to church every Sunday before the doors opened.” HA. HA. HA. Religious humor is soooooo cute. Yeah, yeah… I’ll see you in hell too.

KEVIN KOLB – The KK watch began back in September for us. It will probably be one of the things we actually pay attention to this summer (you know, because baseball sucks white leather-stitched balls). Let’s keep the watch going with some Donovan McNabb rumors of moving instead of the Kolbatron getting deposed in Philly. Will the Vikings go after DNabb this off-season if Fav-re decides to stay home (and them come back and then stay home and then come back and then stay home)? Why not?? It worked for Randall Cunningham.

ROCKETS – Sure, the Rockets are a model of scrap this season. But you WILL NOT OUTSCRAP The Birdman. He is the original scrap. His scrapitude is more than the sum of all other scrap in the NBA. The Nuggets beat the Rockets by five last night in Houston. Chris Scrapalicious Andersen tied the game near half time and the Nugs never looked back… or maybe they did. I don’t know. I half-heartedly watched the game as I gorged myself on the Rancor at Petrol Station. God bless that burger.

UNIVERSITY of HOUSTON – The Merm will be touting sneakers this weekend for the Suits and Sneakers initiative to increase cancer awareness. Fans are “encouraged to wear sneakers to the game.” To which I ask, when don’t I wear sneakers to the game? When did Cougar Basketball turn into the Kentucky Derby and I felt I had to wear a three-piece suit and a bowler to watch Aubrey Coleman drop 30 points on the competition? Stupid PR people. Get your heads out of that cloud of loafers.

AUBREY COLEMAN – Look at this clever writer here: Aubrey Coleman Steps in the Right Direction. The steps which Coleman takes on the face of a blond-froed Buddinger ARE the ones in the right direction (or “correct” direction, if you want to be pithy about it). Ridongdiculous. “Villified?” Really?! I do believe Aubrey received praise, national attention, and a lifetime membership to the Fourth and Fifty Club Badass on the day he stepped on that unfortunate Wildcats’ face.

MORE UH NEWS? – Yeah, sure. Why not? That’s all you bottom-posters talk about anyway… I’m not even going to give you a segue to the Kliff Kingsbury piece. Have at it, ruffians.

DYNAMO – Originally the idea was to have the new stadium built near Minute Maid Park. This made sense. The gentrification of downtown has been in full swing. There are facilities in place already. Parking lots. Whatever you might want for a soccer stadium. Not to mention, the demographic in the area is more of a soccer-friendly crowd. Now they’re considering a build out in the Galleria Area. BAD IDEA! Why doesn’t anyone ever ask my opinion on these things?

- Septimus Rex

College Football Performance Awards, how about a hug?

Let’s clear up a little bit of auxiliary news. From El Rat (JBJ’s one-time manager) came this little nugget…

Case Keenum will be honored at the UCF vs. UH Basketball game tonight at Hofheinz.

If you remember correctly, there was a time when all the writers for Fourth and Fifty cared about the site. That was a long, long, long time ago and most likely in alternate galaxy far far away that I’m misremembering at the moment. This was a time when most of you that read the site now didn’t even know that we exited. It was a happier time, it was a more quiet time, it was less “I’m going to write a comment to show these mother fuckers how much more I know about sports than they do” time. Guess what? Thinking like that saw Scott and Holman come and go like the El Nino. Where are they now? Ex-mothafucking-stinct. I even reached out to them to see if they wanted to write for some winners and I didn’t get a reply (offer’s still on the table, sweethearts).

So let’s take a jaunt down Nostalgia Lane. Let’s take a little trip in our time-machine to see what exactly this “honor” means and where it’s coming from. Oh, College Football Performance Awards, how I’ve missed you.

Wanks MacGruber unearthed the College Football Performance Awards (henceforth referred to as CFPA) back on May 2nd, 2009 after it was posted to UHCougars.com. Nobody paid attention, but we did. We paid so much attention that we found that this doucher that was starting the CFPA had the audacity to post his IQ score and GRE score as it would somehow qualify him as an expert.

READ: Cougars Set to Sweep Semi-Legitimate College Football Awards

We happened to point out that one of the ladies modeling the trophies was decently attractive and found it hard to believe that the back-up kicker for USC managed to pull in some Grade A- ass… Then again, the average woman in SoCal probably rates in at a solid B, maybe B- so an A- isn’t really out of the question for someone that can run around in a football jersey.

So, what did we get for giving Mr. 153 IQ some free publicity for his beloved CFPA? We got a letter in an email from a law firm claiming that we would be sued for libel and copyright infringement. Our use of “pejorative falsehoods and sexual obscenities” was not looked upon as upstanding internetsmanship. “Holy Shit” you say? Yes, that’s what we did as well… Until we decided to actually look into the allegations and threats.

READ: Fourth and Fifty Gets Served

What we found was that someone from the CFPA decided to impersonate the law firm that was listed on their site and send us a nasty little note. You know how I know that? Because the email address that was used was a hastily created GMail account and when I contacted the law firm that was listed they had no idea what I was talking about. So, this spineless, thin-skinned dude decided that he could use some scare tactics to try to make us take down our badly edited, poorly worded, insulting “pejorative falsehoods.” THAT’S ALL WE ARE! WE ARE WHO YOU THOUGHT WE WERE!

So, before you go to Hofheinz tonight to go cheer for Case Keenum because of this award, remember who actually runs the CFPA. Keenum deserves your applause, there’s no doubt about it. He doesn’t need this lousy excuse for an award to be lavished with praise from us.

- Septimus Rex

Don't cry for me FaFentina

Awwwww, did you guys miss us? Did you think that we left you under the cover of night like the Colts from Baltimore? Trust me, we considered it. We’re coming up on our Anniversary for Fourth and Fifty and none of us have seen the payback that we expected. There has been no stacks of greenbacks. Katie Couric has not given us a call to do an expose on the founders. And the hos… well, there have been and always will be the hos. They just can’t give up the FaF lovin’, but that’s been true since the first day I unsheathed my pen(is).

It was just a little miscommunication that kept us from our loyal followers of the interwebz. Pipez neglected to mention he was going to suck at life for two days. Josh was too busy “being Josh.” And, Wanks MacGruber and Reginald Blackstone haven’t even read the site they helped form since early October. Such are the perils of swagtastic blogging.

If you were worried, we’re sorry. To comfort you in this time of need, you should know that JBJ is still up to his old tricks. Thank God he’s just not pulling them over here on FaF. Did you want to read a ridiculously long and uninformed review about Modern Warfare 2? I knew you were going to say “yes.” That’s why I’m linking it here. Looks like JBJ even stole my formula for numerous “ed. notes”… Hey, JBJ. When you’re the only writer, there is no editor. The whole muthafawkin’ thing is an ed. note. And, by the looks of it you have about 19 hundred words of editorial notes.

So we’re back in the swing of things once again. Just to catch you up: All is right with the world again as the Cowboys exited the playoffs this weekend. What’s an NFL offseason without an implosion in the Big D? Boring, that’s what it is. The suicide rate in Wisconsin is about to spike come February when Favre wins the Super Bowl. If someone fulfills the outlandish, ego-fluffing, comments that he makes, can we even call it “hubris”, because Rex Ryan (after squeaking into the playoffs) is living up to the expectations only he could set. University of Texas fell to the curse of the #1 losing to Kansas State whom surprisingly have maintained a good team after the Marcus Beasley era. I did not see that one coming. And, I’m sure other sportsy-type stuff happened too, but whatever. All you guys are going to do is talk about the coogs in the comments. So, let’s move on.

You Houston sports updates await:

ASTROS – Bourn, Lindstrom and Quintero will be remaining with the Astros after signing one-year contracts with the ‘Stros and avoiding arbitration. Yes, we’re only tens of days away from the start of spring training. Believe you me, we’ll be putting the same amount of emphasis on the MLB in OH10 as we did in ’09. That means we’ll be writing about it less that 7% of the total content on this site.

KEVIN KOLB – Let the revolution begin! The NFL off-season will not solely be entertaining watching Dallas do what they wont to do. The Philly QB Revolution is upon us. On one side, the ancient, yet enduring Donovan McNabb. If Rush Limbaugh can’t take you out then nobody can take you out. On the other, Kevin Kolb who has the young players’ vote. Let me put it to you this way. In this scenario Kevin Kolb is the white, quarterbacking equivalent to Obama. He has the young voters, a massive grassroots campaign, and an incumbent that has proved on his last legs. This will end well if you’re a Kevin Kolb fan. It will also end in a different city then Philadelphia. You’re starting quarterback for the Seattle Seakhawks, The Kolbatron.

TRACY McGRADY – To the Bulls? Sure, why not.

RICE UNIVERSITY – Jordan Taylor has committed to the Owls. This means nothing at all to you. Discuss.

UNIVERSITY of HOUSTON – Kliff Kingsbury may not be your new offensive coordinator, but he got hizself a little promotion over the weekend. Oh, and going back to that Dana Holgorsen leaving the program thing that we talked about on Friday… Yeah. We were right, you were wrong. Feels good, don’t it? Adding fuel to the recruiting fire, Jim Jeffcoat is staying in Houston to coach the atrocious D-Line next season. What this means for his son’s decision? I have no clue… But, it definitely keeps the Coogs in the Jeffcoat sweepstakes for a couple more weeks.

- Septimus Rex

Balding is the new beautiful

Consider this your open forum Friday. You guys tend to hijack the masterful posts that I write anyway, unappreciative mofos.

So, here it is… Straight from the horse’s mouth (if you consider a sports radio host a horse):

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!?!?!

Yeah. That just happened. Discuss.

You made.... the Team of Love

Another spot opens in the college head coaching ranks and, guess who’s name gets thrown in the ring? Our very own Kevin Sumlin. That wasn’t tough to guess, was it?

With Lane Kiffin’s awesome throwing University of Tennessee to the wolves, the Vols are in need of someone for the top of their totem poll (… as am I, ladies…). For those of you keeping track at home that means Florida, Texas Tech, Cincinatti, Tennessee, Kansas… Dammit, I can’t even keep track anymore. Sumlin is the hottest shit since I ate JP’s chili at our tailgate.

I mean, I get it… but I don’t. Sumlin has been awesome for the University of Houston’s football program. He’s created order out of the chaos that Art Briles instituted. The offense has burgeoned. The defense has gone from really, really, really shitty to just really shitty. The University and its supporters are genuinely excited for each season. These are all great things. But he hasn’t even brought a C-USA Championship to the program. This is basically to say I understand why Sumlin’s “hot shit” but there’s no reason for him to be “THE shit” just yet.

There is one thing to give K-Sum credit for relative to the rest of the fickle crowd of coaches. He said he wants to be in Houston and he’s stuck by that statement. That means a lot in this day and age. Especially since some of the names that are being thrown around lately are programs that can throw a lot more jack at Sumlin… not to mention prestige, power, state-wide noteriety, national TV time… Yeah, if I were to have the kind of options that he’s got right now I would have probably been long gone.

So, here’s the the mighty Bachelor, Kevin Sumlin. Thanks for sticking around… maybe. If you do, or something. Don’t leave. We all know you still have a lot to prove at the helm of the Cougars and here’s to hoping that you’re not sticking around just to prove that and actually want to make this you destiny-seeking dynasty.

KEVIN KOLB – I love Philadelphia sports fans. I absolutely adore them. They have three, well-publicized QBs at the moment. One has brought prominence to their team for a decade. One has brought prominence to the term “rape stand.” One has played two full games. Guess what the results were when they polled the fans as to who they wanted to see stay… Are you ready? McNabb – 32.6% Vick – 33.9% and Kolb – 88.8%. Holy shiza! Nothing but love from me, Philly. Keep up the good work. Glad to see some things will never change.

ROCKETS – Nothing says scrapocity like scrapping your way through three scraptastic scraps after the first four scraps have finished scrapping. The Rockets pulled out a victory over the Timberwolves last night after three overtimes against the 8 win, 23 loss team. Aaron Brooks scored 43 points to lead the team and wet the panties of Rocketinas everywhere. The Rockets have now beaten the T’Wolves in ten straight contests, but there’s a better statistic. The Rockets are now 3-0 in games that go to triple overtime! You know what that means? The Rockets must tie every game through 70 minutes of play and we would be undefeated for all time!!! Perfect logic.

CHUCK HAYES – Even the New York Times can see scrapability when they see it. This makes two player profiles in the NYTimes in two years (last year’s being Shane Battier). Chuck Hayes is the Little Center that Could. Scrappy Dappy DOO!

UNIVERSITY of HOUSTON - Beat UTEP by ten points.

- Septimus Rex

I don't wish I was a professional athlete... Not at all...

Let’s get something out in the open. Mark McGwire’s admission that he took steroids doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter to the game of baseball. It doesn’t matter to the average fan. It doesn’t matter to the Hall of Fame. It doesn’t matter to life.

Tell me someone who cares right now… Seriously, give me one person who’s not a blowhard columnist, talking head on TV, or your grandpa who watched Golden Joe hit for 342 straight games (or whatever). I bet grandpa doesn’t even give a shit at this point. Hell, he’s probably been poppin’ prednizone for the last two decades. He’s a roid user! Somebody call the feds!! Get that man in front of a Congressional Hearing. He’s destroying the integrity of Octogenarians everywhere!

We already know that everyone has been juicing for the last umpteen years of professional baseball. Any power hitter… Every power hitter is a suspect, and at this point we usually just assume that he’s shooting himself in the ass (not that there’s anything wrong with that).  Canseco? User. McGwire? User. Sosa? User. Your mom? I used her.

You can’t sit back and act high and mighty because of any of this information. Who cares? They already got paid and we were the ones that paid them. We knew this was going on from the get go. Guys don’t explode like McGwire, Giambi, Sosa, Bonds, and all the rest of the baseball players-turned World’s Strongest Man. Shit, there were enough kids taking steroids in high school for this to be an obvious trend. And you know what? They got more chicks then you. Sure they beat the shit out of them during their weekly rages, but whatever. You were jealous, admit it.

A friend of mine brought up a good point a couple months back. Though, its context has nothing to do with steroids, baseball, sports, or anything related to this post it still seems relevant. I said something to the effect of “I just fucking hate people that buck the system,” so we’ll change “people” to “baseball players” and in this case “the system” is a “clean game of baseball.” The reply to me was “they’re not bucking the system. They’re using all the leeway that the system affords them.”

So, guess what. That’s exactly how it goes in the case of the MLB vs. Steroids. Can we just stop talking about it? Now that the “rules” are now in place let’s move on and prosecute/persecute as we move forward. Who cares about Mark McGwire? Nobody.

ASTROS – I’m not really sure why the Huffington Post cares about the bottom 2/5 of the Astros starting rotation, but they do.  In fact, it seems that they care more than I could have ever imagined. Seriously here’s a quote:

But I care about baseball, and I look to baseball to provide ethical cues for my life. And it frequently does that. Jack Zduriencik? Yes. Andrew Friedman? Yes, awesome. Brian Myrow? Right on. But this particular move — should it occur — will only reinforce for me that people in charge are fallible to a greater degree than I’d care to acknowledge.

And all of that because Carson Cistulli doesn’t want Brian Moeller in the Astros starting rotation. Man, I wish I cared that much.

BERKMAN – It’s all baseball, all the time today on Fourth and Fifty. “It’s good for him and good for baseball” says Berkman about his contemporary, McGwire. Think again, Big Puma. Read above.

ROCKETS – If face-stomping can’t keep Chase Budinger down, do you think a measly sprained ankle is going to do the trick? Fuck. And. No.

UNIVERSITY of HOUSTON – I never did go over what my true New Year’s Resolutions would be for 2010. I stopped burying hookers under the 50 yard line at Roberston a long time ago. Statute of limitations, mofos! I have decided that I’m going to bury my beef (that’s what he said) with John Royal. The guy’s just sad. He doesn’t need my scorn to feel any more fat, virginial, bitter, so on and so forth, about his life. There isn’t a time where he isn’t bitching about something. Bitch, bitch bitch, about the UH Cougar football schedule. Moan, moan, moan, about poor officiating. I get it, dude. Life sucks. You don’t have to suck back. Shit, mix it up a little bit. Throw that melon in the microwave before you mount it tonight. You’ll be fine. Life will go on.

WORLD CUP – Say what you will about soccer. I happen to like it. I don’t know that much about it and I don’t follow the sport with the fervor that some do. But when I see Barcelona score three goals on Tenerife in the span of ten minutes like I did on Sunday, I think it’s damn exciting. In either case, let’s look beyond the game itself and focus on what the sport can do for the city.

Everyone… and I mean everyone, needs to click on this link and sign the petition for the USA, and specifically Houston’s bid for the 2018 or 2022 World Cup. You remember how awesome it was when the Super Bowl came to Houston (hookers. HOOKERS! EVERYWHERE)? Think of that on an even more global scale (GLOBAL HOOKERS!!!!!).

Seriously, though. We’re going to push it here on FaF. Be prepared.

- Septimus Rex

Very little was more awesome than that interception return for a touchdown. A touchdown after interception… A TAINT if you will. #57 Marcell Dareus was a quarterback killer last night. He had no regard for human life, specifically the lifeforms of Colt “My Arm Doesn’t Hurt, It’s Dead” McCoy and Garrett “What’s Eating” Gilbert “Grape” (that nickname is a lot more difficult than I anticipated). Dareus was the man that we all have to thank for knocking McCoy out of the game. It only took five plays before the overrated QB was hustling out of the stadium and to the X-Ray machines. Quite an impressive feat.

On top of that, #57 da QBee Killa, had one of the all time great stiff arms on Gilbert after intercepting a shovel pass at the end of the first half. How does a shovel pass get intercepted? Just watch the clip above. That’s how it happens. It’s one part luck, one part timing, and one part ineptness which equals all parts awesome. Then, if you’re doing it right, you run straight at the quarterback, grab him by the throat and throw him to the turf. After that, you use the slowest spin move you can possibly muster to avoid the last white shirt standing between you and the endzone and viola!! TAINT!

Congrats to Alabama on their National Championship. Thank you for shutting up these fucking UT fans I have to deal with on a daily basis. But also a sincere “fuck you” to the Crimson Tide. You gave the Longhorn fans an excuse for why they didn’t win. Next time, don’t knock the golden boy out of the game. What’s that you say? He could have played, kinda? Yeah, you’re probably right. Today, Colt McCoy is synonymous with gaping vag (not that it wasn’t for his entire career).

On a quick sidenote before we get into the meat of this post (that’s what she said), Garrett Gilbert actually showed some promise last night. Besides his four interceptions (I’m just assuming this is the correct number because I refuse to look up the stats) he showed that the Longhorns are poised to be very good under his leadership. It was honestly hard to root against the kid last night. I found myself wanting him to throw touchdown passes. I cheered, for the first time in my life, when he tossed the first one. Sure, I hated myself a little bit for letting out a little glee because of a UT score, but I forgave myself soon thereafter.

On to our mostly anonymous quotes from last night, since they proved much more entertaining than the game itself:

“Wait, so this means that Vandervilt is developing an army of killer robots?” asks Wanks about the SEC commercial.
“Or the ultimate sophisticated robotic jack-off arm. Dispense Lubrication! Increase speed!” yells Reggie B as he furtively does the air wanking motion.

“The shoulder bone’s connected to the vagina bone. The vagina bone’s connected to my bone.” Sung by Septimus Rex.

“This is like watching a snuff film.” – Anonymous

“What’s the name of that character in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?”
“Ummm…. Gilbert?”

“He probably got that because he was fingering that dude’s asshole with brute force,” says Reggie B after UT recovers the onside kick.
“What…The…Fuck?!” asks the rest of the group
“Hey, that’s the kind of shit that happens at the bottom of those piles,” explains a very knowing Reggie B

“HORNS DOWN JUST HAPPENED!!!!” – Really wish i could find a picture of McElroy doing “horns down” but I’ll have to place one in its stead.

One's McCoy, One's McElroy... You decide

On to your Houston Sports Updates:

ASTROS – The ‘Stros have promoted former pitching coach Travis Dirskill of Class A Lexington to Double A Corpus Christi. Houston baseball, can you feel the excitement???!?!?!!!?!

UNIVERSITY of HOUSTON – Getting inside UH Baskeball? That’s what she said. I think.

TEXAS TECH DRAMA – Art Briles is staying in Waco, whereas Kevin Sumlin’s name continues to be thrown around. Can we please stop with these shenanigans? Seriously. You’re effing with my heart over here.

RICE BASEBALL – An article from Yahoo!’s fanhouse… a one on one, Q and A with Wayne Graham. Let’s face it. The only thing that Wayne’s been one-on-one with in the last five years is a pair of Depends.

DEADSPIN vs. FOURTH AND FIFTY – WHO YOU GOT?! I would like you to take a look at Pipez’ extremely informative piece that he wrote about Craig James that he basically ripped off of me the day before. You can find it here. Now that you’ve brushed up on your history lesson, let’s take a look at today’s “edition” of Deadspin… What have we here? An article on Craig James and his potential aspirations to be a politician? You can find it here. Hmmmm. Those two posts have amazingly similar themes, wouldn’t you say? One was posted eight days before the second? It’s at thematic enigmatic conundrum how two “publishing” entities could be writing about the same thing… Don’t make us put you on the shit list along with John Royal, Deadspin. We don’t want to do that. You’ve been very good to us, you plagiarizing whores.

BONUS PICTURES – Just because it’s so awesome:

FINISH HIM!!!!!

- Septimus Rex

Air tastes yum yum.

Oh, Mark Cuban, you’re such an adorable little brat. You’re like that rich kid back in elementary school that had that awesome Nerf football with the whistles in it, forcing the other kids to let you play just because of your equipment. In the end, you just ended up sitting on the sideline or playing the offensive line. That O-Line was worthless to, you know why? Because of the “5 Mississippi” rule. Everybody knows that rule IS the O-Line in playground football, you cad.

Instead of bitching about David Stern or the NBA refs or at Fox for cancelling “The Benefactor” (or whatever that shitty show was called, Cubes has turned his attention to the Goliath of the sports world: The NFL. Sounds like a smart plan, right?

Everyone’s favorite owner has the NFL in his crosshairs because he’s pissed that the first Cowboy’s play-off game in a decade is scheduled the same day as the Mavericks’ contest against the Utah Jazz. Let me explain to you a little sumpin’ sumpin’, Mr. Cuban. With an 82 game season, it’s almost impossible for the NFL to schedule a game on a day that the NBA doesn’t have a game. On top of that, shouldn’t you be supporting the Cowboys as they try to end their decade-long jinx (not that any of us want “America’s Team” to win)?

But, in the end Mark Cuban’s passion for his team and his cause has proved to be an inspiration to many. Coming out of the woodwork are many attempting to take down the powers that be that are distracting the people from the Lord’s work (like the NBA?).  It’s almost heart-warming with that amount of umbrage that’s being thrown around:

- Jayson Williams takes issue with NYC’s program to have trees lining the roadside.
- Transistor Radios are mad at Television for stealing all their glory with 3D programming.
- Polar Ice Caps are taking issue with the Sun and Atmosphere for existing.
- OJ Simpson has filed a complaint that someone killed his wife.
- Tiger Woods is speaking out against all the beautiful poontang that follows the PGA circuit.
- AIDS victims in Africa are filling suit against the rest of the world… for not having AIDS and not living in a third-world country.

Only good can come of this. Thanks, Cubes for showing the world that the unavoidable atrocities of life can ultimately be held accountable.

On to your Houston sports updates:

ROCKETS – Ron Artest was back in the line-up for the Lakers after missing five games due to a concussion that he incurred after falling down the stairs on Christmas Day. Which is exactly what I told my girlfriend to tell her family when they asked her about the hand print across her face. The Lake-show didn’t need Artest’s help as they got productive day out of Bynum and defeated the Rox by a score of 79-88. That’s a scrappy score with less than scrappy results from the hometown.

HOUSTON PRESS – We’ve had our well-documented  run-ins with the Houston Press over the course of 2009, but 2010 will offer us a new leaf to turn over. That doesn’t mean that John Royal is gone from the blotter, only that the Press is striving to be awesomely quotastic this year. Observe, from a blog titled Real Texans Hate The Longhorns:

UH fans - We can understand the Longhorns ducking the Coogs in football — it’s difficult to make space on the schedule when you’ve got great traditional rivals like East Navasota County Community College you need to play. But why does UT duck the Coogs in basketball? Tom Penders has done everything but offer to blow Rick Barnes at center court at Hofheinz to get a game, and still the Horns refuse to accept the challenge. And Tom Penders probably gives a damn good blow job, for all we know.

You know what? The Merm probably gives fantastic head. Somebody ask Mack Rhoades, he got a beej from Penders so that he could keep his job. That’s the only reason he still has a job, right? The rumor mill can’t be wrong.

ROCKETS (pt. 2) – There needs to be a little more Rockets news, and a little more bitching on behalf of Cuban in this post. This note can kill those two birds with one link. The Mavericks had protested the last game against the Rockets because of a technical foul that got Dampier ejected from the game. The restitution sought was to play the final 1:01 of the game (the period in which Dampier was in the lockerroom and not fouling the shit out of Aaron Brooks). That sounds pretty awesome when you think about it. The NBA could have an 82-game season AND schedule 20 days at the end of the season to play fractions of games that have been deemed protestable. Who doesn’t want to watch a 2-minute game with one team already provided a point advantage. Ridiculous. Protest DENIED!

ART BRILES – The inevitable replacement for Mike Leach has to wait a little longer. Tech is interviewing Tommy Tuberville for the job. I heard they loved him at Auburn…

UNIVERSITY of HOUSTON – Darian Lazard will be with the Coogs next season. The starting QB for 4A Dawson will be switching over to Wide Receiver as a freshman. We didn’t have enough WRs so this is a good thing. And, at least we’re starting off on the right foot for FaF. We almost know one new name for the program and the final recruiting classes haven’t even been announced yet. Tip of the trend, people. Tip of the trend. Our first UH headline next year will be “Draining the Lazard: An Interview with Darian.”

TEXANS – I’m sorry, but I refuse to see the first winning season ever recorded by the Texans as a feat of extraordinary magnitude. Yippee. Your season is still over, idiots. You literally fumbled two games away, couldn’t make a 1-yard run to lose another, and Kris Brown shanked another two games away (on top of the fact that he spells his name with a “K” which is ridiculous). So, save your “feel good” articles in the USA Today.

YAO MING – Yao’s obviously been using some non-traditional rehabilitation techniques. His wife is preggers. Nuff said.

- Septimus Rex

Over/Under Bear Claws Consumed Lifetime = 1.538 E8 (revive those calculus courses)

This is a very special FaF Smear this morning. It’s New Year’s Eve, and with midnight but fourteen hours away we have some thinking to do. It’s time to make those New Year’s Revolutions Resolutions. I’ll go first so that nobody feels like they need to hold anything back: I resolve to be more swagtastic than ever in 2010. No website will go unturned searching for the latest and greatest in dick-jokery or motherfuckery. Fourth and Fifty will reign supreme over all Houston sports blogs (even though we kind of already do) and a new empire will be born out of the vacuous Houston sports swagger scene.

Now, JBJ has already gone over his Hopes and Dreams for the year 2010, and by all counts they’re… well, hopey and dreamy, I guess.

Now it’s your turn?

Nothing?

Let me help you out. It’s diet time. That seems like one of the usual Resolutions every year. The top six of which are usually:

- Diet
- Workout
- Quit smoking
- Learn a new hobby
- Stop killing hookers and burying them under the 50-yard line of Robertson
- No sexy time with imprudent biotchez who sleep with married men while you’re dating them

Some of you have met me in real life (or RL as JoshBeingJosh so gheyly calls it), and know the lithe physical specimen that I am. Sinewy, strong, hung like a goddamned Beluga, killer hair, eyes that light the entire room… Honestly, the list goes on and on. But, dear readers, there is a secret to my success. Today I will share it with you so that everyone can be a bit more like me this year (and this would be for the best, trust me).

Inspired by a commercial I saw a couple days ago for the Taco Bell, Drive-Thru Diet I have decided to finally reveal how I reached this level of awesomeness. First, let’s take a look at the competition’s ridiculous video and see what we’re up against:

You know what I think? Christine is a liar, and possibly a whore. I say this because she used to be a fatty, and fatties never get laid. It’s the way the world works. But, now that she’s not a fatty, she’s been a dick-wetting floozy trying to catch up on the fucking that she missed out on previously. Let me tell you something, readers… Nobody, and I mean nobody, gives a beej like a fat girl. It combines their two favorite things: Getting almost laid (which is like a Mecca for them because they never get laid) and eating (which they love to do, obviously). That being said, former fatties never lose that ability to toot your horn. It’s the best of both worlds. If you’re going after a chick, make sure it’s the one that lost 70 pounds right before they met you.

So, let’s jump into my five-step plan for you. Please, pass this along to your friends. Lord knows they need it.

Sexy Septy’s Guide to Looking Awesome and Being Awesome in 2010

Step #1 – Eat more fast food - Seriously, do it. Specifically, if you’re hitting the McDonald’s drive-thru 8-12 times a week you’re doing the right thing. If you’re in the mode of completely molding your life after mine you will order the exact same thing that I do. A number three (double quarter pounder meal) supersized with a coke and a Big Mac for dessert. No fucking joke. I’m on a first name basis (well, more like a first order basis) with four different Mickey Dee’s in town. Contrary to popular belief, McDonald’s is not fattening. It lubes your insides with a protective barrier against essential nutrients that get you fat. The FDA has been way off base for decades at this point. Don’t listen to them. I am your golden (french fried) god.

Step #2 – Pick Up Smoking - When is the only time that I’m not eating the fare provided by Ronald? When I’m chain-smoking cigarettes. One is never enough. Unless you’re lighting that second cigarette with the dying ember from the first, you’re doing it wrong. Smoking has two effects: It’s slimming and it’s sexy as fuck. Ladies fucking love a mouth that tastes like an ashtray. Trust me, I know. I’ve had my ashy tongue tickling many a young girl’s tonsils. Guess what, the FDA has been wrong on this one too. Smoking does not cause cancer. Smoking coats your lungs with an impenetrable mail that is impervious to cancer. That’s a fact. I’d go ahead with a list all the famous smokers, but it would be millions of names. The short list reads like this: Sinatra, Hemingway, Bukowski, James Dean, Dali, King Arthur, Septimus Rex.

Step #3 – Buy Gym Membership, Never Use – You could be like Reginald Blackstone and be addicted to the gym, but when you have the two addictions above, you’ll never have time for it. Fret not. All that matters with a gym membership is that you have one. That little 24 Hour Fitness card is a gateway to feeling good about yourself. Who needs to lift actual weights on the bench press when you can think about lifting weights. The brain is the most powerful of muscles, afterall. Step #3 also goes for running. You don’t have to run, you just have to live close to a track where people usually run. Mind over matter, mofos.

Step #4 – Drink Abundantly and Frequently – Another factor of your new persona will be tending to the bar all the time. Every night is a drinking night. But, don’t go overboard. By that I don’t mean “drink responsibly” there’s no time for that. I mean “don’t bring your fruity drinks in my house and expect to be like me.” There are only three potent potables you’re allowed in the Septimus Rex Guide.

- Beer (Lone Star and Pabst Blue Ribbon are your cheap choices. I also demand Southern Star, Kronenbourg 1664, Real Ale and any Stout that the establishment has on tap.)
- Scotch (We’ll let the whiskey family slide in this case. But, true men drink Scotch. Buy Balvenie, Dalwhinney, Glenmorangie and Oban.) (You also drink your Scotch “neat” no ice, no mixers, no nothing than that great taste)
- Shots (If you buy Red Snappers then you’re off the team. ONLY ACCEPTABLE SHOTS: Irish Car Bombs and straight Jager. Jager bombs, or any other drink with Red Bull, are strictly prohibited.)

Step #5 – Imbibe Coffee Until Your Kidneys Scream in Pain - When you’re not doing one of the above steps, you’re drinking coffee. You drink coffee until your piss is as golden as a McDonald’s french fry and has the unique smell of the Texas Pecan you brewed in the morning before you left for work. Coffee has two effects: It’s sobering and it’s a great excuse for your poor dental hygiene. “No, baby. My teeth aren’t yellow and rotting because of the meth I’ve been smoking. It’s because of all that badass coffee I’ve been drinking lately to be more like Septimus.”  You will drink coffee until your kidneys cry out for you to stop. That is the only time you’re allowed to drink water (or any other libation other than McDonald’s Coca-Cola). This will happen at least once a month. It’s not a sign that anything is wrong, it just means that you’re truly on the path of Septimus-like greatness.

Now, let’s take a look at your Houston sporting news:

TRACY McGRADY – Word on the street is that the New York Knickerbockers are interested in our very own T-Mac. That’s fantastic. Even the NY Times says so. Who ever knew that $23 million would be a salary that you wanted to inherit. God bless the salary cap and the loop holes it presents with expiring contracts. Here’s to highly regulated Capitalism, CHEERS!

ART BRILES – Will the former Cougar head coach be headed back to the panhandle? I don’t know. Pipez sure as fuck hopes he is, but Pipez obsesses over head coaches like fat girls obsess over vagrant cock. So, I have no idea if this story out of some small town TV station has any merit whatsoever. Yes, Waco is a small town. Then again, the Chron is even reporting that an anonymous source claims that Briles is the number one candidate for the job. So, Waco and Houston agree. What say you, Jasper?

TEXANS – Here’s your preview of the game from CBS Sports. Like I said the other day, we need a couple teams to lose and the Texans need to win if there’s any hope of making the playoffs. On the upside, a 9-7 record after fumbling away three games this year isn’t so bad all things considered.

UNIVERSITY of HOUSTON – One hour to kick-off. You may have noticed a lack of opponent essentials. Trust me, it’s not due to our laziness or procrastination around here. That’s the last thing we are, procrastinators. It’s because we have the utmost respect for US Air Force Academy and for all of the armed forces that protect this great nation. There is no swagger or sarcasm in that statement. It’s true. It’s real. But, Go Coogs. Two bowl wins in a row, bring home the trophy (is there a trophy involved?)!

- Septimus Rex