Honey, have you seen my phone?

[Pause, for dramatic effect]

"Who da fuck is diz bitch?!"

Yes, Tiger finally admitted to putting on a green other than his wife’s. Shame on you Tiger. Don’t you realize that Big Hitter’s world is collapsing around him. You’re causing him to lose faith in the game of golf.

Tiger issued an apology to his fans and to his family. However, it was a little late for the family one. Elin already took matters into her own hands. Literally. She bashed the shit out of his Escalade last week with one of his golf clubs. I’m not sure which iron she used, but it got the job done. Police photos show that both rear windows were busted out in order “to help Tiger out” as she put it. Yeah, help him feel the wrath of a pissed of Swede. One interesting note. The police photos show a book on the floor of the back seat entitled “Get a Grip on Physics” Don’t you just love the irony? Elin did precisely that. Adulterous husband + plus pissed off wife + golf club = fucked up SUV. Now that’s physics.

"Get a grip? I got one right here. Fore, mother fucker!!"

A voice mail was released to the media of Tiger telling his new squeeze to change her voicemail because his wife checked his phone. Good call. Tiger did you not know that a voicemail is a recording? Way to go champ. And a text message that said, “I will wear you out”…Really? How were you going to do that? Were you going wear your green jacket and scream, “I AM the Master” as you get off? Now that’s what I call an “Open”.

Obviously the question remains, what the hell were you thinking Tiger? Your wife is one of the hottest women on the planet. I guess she was just not doing it for him anymore. The alleged “transgressions”, as Tiger put it, began in 2007 as Elin was about to giver birth to their first child. Ok so maybe she was feeling a little unattractive as pregnant women might. Maybe she was not in having the vaj pounded. And maybe the idea of a handskie or blowey was out of the question as well. I get it Tiger. No wait…I fucking don’t. So you can’t even treat yourself while your wife is bearing your child who will one day take of the world?

In the end I guess the answer was no. So what does Tiger do? He bags a waitress. A cocktail waitress. A less attractive than his wife(who by the way can probably suck start a Harley) cocktail waitress. Excellent choice. Because banging a woman that is hard up for cash will never come back to bite you. And you let it go on for 31 months? You should totally go into politics Tiger, because you fooled us all during those victory speeches.

I have to commend you on the cover up. It was going good. But then you made the big mistake. You let your wife look at your phone. Don’t you know you get a separate phone for your mistress? You should have hung out with Kanye more often. He could have filled you in. I’mma let you finish though. Elin checks his phone and boom goes the dynamite. Sweden may pretend to be neutral when it comes to war, but just wait until you piss them off. I bet you weren’t expecting a beat down from a sweet little blonde.

And then you lie even more about the whole thing. Did you really think we were that stupid? I hope you have a pre-nup or you’re paying for this one. I suppose you could pull a Kobe and buy Elin a nice expensive gift. Maybe a diamond studded golf club. It will look good shoved up your ass.

Congratulations, Tiger, on your epic fail.

Say hello to your mother for me,

Moose Knuckle

I'm not Moose Knuckle, but I'm everything he aspires to be.

Greetings my FaF faithful.  It has been many months since my last confession post.  Once the new TV season starts, it pretty much consumes a majority of my time.  Add in college football and forget about it.  Who has time to write  witty posts day in and day out?  Septimus Rex and The Random Guy; That’s who.  And The Random Guy even has Random Baby to take care of.  You know a lot of people say Septimus and TRG are a couple of untalented posers…

So as I said it has been a while since I have been able to post on here.  That is not to say that I haven’t tried though.  I wrote a tantalizing recap of the PGA Championship.  I even broke away from the golf for once and wrote a delightful commentary on the douchiness of Taylor Potts, Mike Leach, and the rest of the Tech faithful.  That was a few days after our masterful win back in September.  However, my posts were overlooked in the staging queue, and never got published for your reading pleasure.  Now I notified the powers that be that I had some good words to share, but my keyboard was silenced.  Am I bitter?  Never.  I have fought back out of the trenches to bring to you the useless sports news of the world.

Saturday night I embraced my FaF brothers Septimus and Pipez after the amazing and game winning field goal.  That’s right..THE field goal.  The shot heard round Tulsa.  Especially in Todd Graham’s bitch ass cheating ear.  To quote our radio broadcasters, “Smoke that cock Graham”.  Or maybe he said, “Put that in you pipe in smoke it”.  Semantics I say.  That same night I even attempted to chest bump Reginald Blackstone.  However, it turned into some type of pseudo-homo erotic embrace.  Per Septimus’ command we vowed never to attempt it again.  It’ll be straight tea-bagging from here on out.

I know the big question is what caused Moose Knuckle to come out of the lair?  Why now?  What could possibly be worth writing about.  Of course there are a multitude things to convey to our readers.  The spectacular season of our hometown heroes Case Keenum and his Cougars.  Golf.  Logging Sports. Televised Darts.  No, I’m afraid those all get left in the dark tonight.

For this resurgence I am bringing you coverage on the greatest sport of all time.  Trick Fornication College Women’s Rowing.  What is so exciting about that you might ask?  Well I will no longer keep you in suspense.

I give you spandex induced toe of camelus bactrianus (By the way does anyone find it funny that the latin name foe camel includes the word “anus”?)

Courtesy of Deadspin I give you a plethora of toe.  I know what you’re asking.  Does the combination of multiple toes in one spot add up to one big Knuckle?  I declare it does.  The Moose Knuckle supports the moose knuckle.  Congrats to the Clemson women for showing they’ve got the right stuff.  You just can’t go wrong with nicely enhanced female crotch area.

I also present you with this masterpiece of song dedicated to the art of the toe.

Thanks to Septimus for bringing this to my attention courtesy of Pipez.  I couldn’t have done it without them.

Now I’m going to try not to be such a stranger from now on.  I’ll also try to include more sports in my posts.  But I mean this kind of dealt with sports.  It had rowing and medals for first place.  That counts right?

But for my first post back in a while, I hope this has brought some type of joy to your otherwise boring life.  You’re welcome.  I have to go watch Real Housewives now.

Say hello to your mother for me,

Moose Knuckle

Doin' it an' doin' it an' doin' it well

Well Tiger won his most recent tournament (and his own tournament to boot).  Tiger emerged victorious at the AT&T National.  Frankly, this is one of those tourneys that is for a very good cause in that it supports out troops.  The course was filled with soldiers wounded in battle and those currently serving on active duty.  On Sunday, the 18th hole announcers were Air Force officers, something Pipez was proud of I’m sure.  As a result, I have no problem with Tiger romping the field in this one.  And now he sits at 68 lifetime PGA Tour wins.  Simply incredible.

With the British Open approaching, it’s only fair to take a glimpse into the man that has become “the PGA.”  He’s the reason the casual fan is paying attention.  He’s the reason why I got this gig on Fourth and Fifty.  No Tiger, no Moose Knuckle.  Can you imagine a world without the Mighty MK?  I can’t.

So it seems that Tiger Woods has taken another step in his plans for interstellar domination. You might wonder, “what else does this man strive to do?”  The obvious answer is to break every record in the book.  But, his designs are on a much grander (more grand?) scale than that.

With the recent birth of his son, the Woods family is potentially set up to do something that no other family has done:  Dominate all 3 major golf tours.  Right around the time Tiger will be joining the Senior Tour, his 2 kids will be at the prime age to take over the LPGA tour and continue domination on the PGA tour.

I think this is Tiger’s sole reason for actually having children.  It is just another record that he can claim later down the road.  Little Sam will put all of Annika’s records to shame.  Michelle Wie who?  You better watch out.  If she is anything like her dad, these women will have to bow down before greatness.

And now with the birth of Charlie, well the PGA will continue to be dominated.  The transition will be seamless.  His son may even be better.  I hear they are doing great things with HGH these days.  And his crib is already being made out of recycled golf shafts.  His pillow made out of Balata.  I hear both kids can already bench 250.  I also hear that they are both going through intense mental exercises.  You know similar to how they converted Carlos Blanca in the Street Fighter movie.  Only these kids will be watching slow motion highlights of Tiger’s victories.  Of course the occasional scenes of blood lust will be thrown in for subliminal good measure.

Of course, who is to say that he will stop at just 2 kids.  Will he go to 3, 4. 5?  I mean have you seen Elin?  Personally, if I were Tiger I would just spend all my free time trying to knock her up.  Puts a whole new spin on the term playing in the rough.  Though I feel those fairways are likely groomed to perfection.

Anyway, I bet Tiger continues to produce offspring so that he can eventually start his own pro-tour.  Only his offspring will be allowed to play.  We’ll call it the TGA.  They will have their own rule book.  Fist pumps actually help to lower your score on the TGA.  The Tiger Woods foundation will only start to benefit his children alone.  So long poverty stricken youth, I’ve got my own kids now.  See ya!  Other children will dream to play on that tour, but alas they will only fail.  Sorry kid, you should have been born a Woods.  Too bad your mom wasn’t smoking hot in her early twenties.  Maybe if she had been able to suck a golf ball through a hose, you’d be the lucky kid.  There are no mulligans for you.  You are the weakest link.

Think of the marketing potential of having your own Tour.  Plus that equals a pretty solid retirement for Pops.  Not that he needs anymore cash, but he has to get his new venture off the ground.   It turns out Tiger has been heavily investing in cloning technology.  This way if he hurts anything down the road, they can just cut it off and sew on a new one.  Very 6th day.

We at FaF congratulate Tiger on his growing family and continued success.  Now if we can just get David Duval back up to par.

Say hello to your mother for me,

Moose Knuckle

[Photo from Yahoo!]

Yeah those boobs ARE nice!

5 days later and we now have a champion crowned at the 2009 U.S. Open.  My longest of long-shots nearly pulled it off though.  When everyone thought I was crazy, I knew something special would happen.  Now had I actually called in from the beginning, would you have kicked yourself for not putting some money down on the big DD?  I’m sure the odds were like 400-1.

As you may have seen David Duval did not come home with the trophy of another major.  He came damn close.  I’ll be honest, after his first hole of the day I was discouraged.  But then came the storm of birdies that ultimately led to a minor letdown in a major championship.  He fought hard and never quit.  Here’s to hoping he’s back for good.  Only time will tell.

Mickelson almost fulfilled his wife’s wish of bringing home the U.S. Open trophy, but like Duval, puttered out at the end.  Literally.  His putter once again failed him.  However, he did set a new record for most second place finishes in the U.S. Open.  Will he ever pull it off.   I blame it on the pants [Ed. Note - Here's to hoping he doesn't pull those off]:

I think it goes without saying that both Duval and Mickelson were the crowd favorites.  Both have their emotional tales to tote around this week.  Mickelson with his sick wife, and Duval with his fall from glory.  I guess it was just not their time.  Personally, I was pulling for the big D, though a Mickelson victory would have been just as sweet.

Once again the course got the best of the Open this year.  The weather was simply awful.  A little birdie shouted out to his peeps (yeah those little marshmallow things) that the weather this year may cause the USGA never to return to Bethpage Black for another Open.  Too bad, so sad.  Thank you New York.  Way to fuck it up as usual.  I mean what do expect from fans like this:

Word on the street is that the fans got a little unruly this year.  Too much consuming of the soda alternatives led to some rude outbursts directed at Tiger.  When Tiger was trying to calm some fans while someone was playing, someone shouted, “relax, you’ve got your own video game.”  How that really applies to being quiet, I’ll never know.  But, residents of Long Island are rarely known for being bright.

So I know that you are are just dying to know who won.  Was it Ricky Barnes?  In fact it was not.  Ricky Bobby decided to let his golf swing become an unfolding lawn chair, and shoot a bog ole’ fat number to finish in a tie for second along with Duval, and Mickelson.  Oh yeah, did I mention Duval did make the cut.  Someone owes me a beverage.

Ross Fisher made a run at the end, and even Tiger seemed to be in the hunt for a moment.  Alas, the winner was crowned.  Not a past major champion, and barely a past champion at all.  Lucas Glover walked away with the win today.  Only his second win ever.  And he made number two a big splash (See how I made pun to taking a dump.  You like?)

4-under par got it done this year, and Glover got it done.  We at FaF wish him congratulations on the win, but are pissed at him from stealing Duval’s return to greatness and Mickelson’s bid to make a wish come true.  Hey, if you’re okay with wrecking great story lines, Lucas, that’s cool.  You do what you got to do.

Duval’s young son started crying after he learned that his dad did not win.  Are you happy Lucas?  You made a child cry:

Sleep well dream-crusher.

Okay enough bitterness from me.  You’d think I was from New York.  Oh burn.

It was a long fought battle.  Glover emerged as victorious.  You cannot take that away.  Unless of course he tests positive for steroids.  But as I sit here typing this, I am watching Glover’s parents crying out of happiness in an interview for the golf channel.  Okay, he deserves it.

So until next year.  The open goes back to Pebble Beach, the site of Tiger’s raping of the PGA tour in 2000.  Should be fun to watch.  Maybe Mickelson can win that one.  And hopefully Duval will still be hanging tough.

I’d like to thank WanksMcGruber for having such confidence in my choice for the winner in his last post.  Just because my Fantasy Football team blows the big one, does not mean I don’t know my golf.

Say hello to your mother for me,

Moose Knuckle

[All Pictures from Yahoo!Sports found here and here and here and here]

I'm a real G shorty who can really find the sweet spot...provided that you point me in the general direction.

This week marks the 109th US open.  Once again, it will be played at the famed public course just outside of New York City.  A course so demanding, that amateurs and pros alike are warned about it before they even step on the tee. Bethpage Black will host the Open for the second time in just 7 years.  So who will win?  Similar to recent years, I’m betting the course will prevail yet again.

Who does not love the US Open?  Personally, anytime I can see a professional golfer lip out a 3 foot putt and have a bunker shot for their next, that is entertainment.  Okay, so that only happened at Shinnecock Hills in 2004, but still it was both fun and depressing to watch at the same time.  Bethpage is not quite as severe on the greens, but the fairways and the rough are where the men are separated from the bitches.

The last time the Open was played at the black course, there were 2 holes that many pros were having a hard time even reaching the fairway.  Simply put, they could not hit it far enough to get there.  That is right a professional golfer could not hit the fairway on 2 of the holes.  Though it should not surprise anyone.  New Yorkers are notorious for being bitter and wanting others to feel the pain and suffering of a city that gets destroyed in nearly every summer blockbuster.  Yes, New Yorkers don’t want no scrubs because a scrub is golfer who can’t get no love from them.  But is that any reason to take it out on these poor millionaires?

In all honesty, it has been the USGA that has imparted such great suffering over the last few years.  It seems in the last few years, it has been the goal of the USGA to reward the golfer, not who plays the best, but who sucks the least.  And to be honest, that is what makes it more exciting. Who will ever forget Lefty’s meltdown at Winged Foot in 2006.  It will be remembered forever.  For-ev-er.  FOR-EV-ER.

I’ve seen pictures of the course this year, and I must say it looks tight.  You can’t just hope to ram it down the fairway.  You have to be careful not to twist your shaft and take it slow.  Otherwise you’ll be playing out of the rough.  Okay enough with the sexual undertones.  The word on the street from some of the players is that while the course is playing hard, it playing a lot more fair than in 2002.  And that’s a good thing.

Personally, I don’t mind seeing the pros struggle one week out of the year.  It makes all of us feel better about our own game.  It’s kind of similar to how watching any speech by former President George W. Bush will make you feel better about your public speaking skills.

“Well hell, I can make a 3-footer.”  Yes asshole you can, but try it with the world watching and a million bucks on the line.  But I’ve personally witnessed Moose Knuckle hit every fairway in regulation before, so I know I’m better than the pros.

I’m calling my winner early this year.  David Duval qualified last week for the open and then went to the FedEx and missed the cut.  Needless to say, he’s in prime position to take it all homey.  Count this one as a lock.  I’d call Vegas if I were you.  You’re welcome Mr. Blackstone.  Of course, Duval’s fan will settle for the moral victory as well this week.  Here’s to making the cut David.  Make us proud.

Tiger Woods is back to defend his crown.  Not only is he the reigning champ from last year, but also reigning champ from the last time the open was played at Bethpage. No longer is he the Barbaro of the golf world with his ailing knee.  Instead, he is now the Secretariat (for you young readers, that is the greatest Triple Crown winner in history).  Of course, he’ll be near the top of the leader board, because that is what Tiger does.  No story here.

No the real story will be the Mine That Bird long shot that comes from deep in the pack to either win in surprise fashion or at least comes very close(and/or possibly craters at the end to lose in an extreme moment of drama). The Michael Campbell, the Todd Hamilton, the Rich Beem, the Jean Van de Velde, and of course the Roy McAvoy or Geoff Ogilvy.  Who will surprise us this year?

Welcome to the 2009 U.S. Open.

Say hello to your mother for me,

Moose Knuckle

[Photo from Yahoo! Sports - Andrew Redington/Getty Images]

I wanted to run, but it was too hard

Though the title implies it, I am not trying to be sexist.  At least towards human women that is.  However, the equine kind of female has my blood boiling these days.  I would not consider myself a huge horse racing fan, but I do follow the triple crown races like any true blooded, snobbish American should.

At least once in my life, I would like to see a triple crown winner.  Why exactly?  I can’t say for sure, but the sports world seems to glorify it.  Therefore, I’d like to see one horse accomplish this great feat before I depart this less than stellar planet.

Every spring the talk resumes on one special horse.  The favorite.  THE one.  Can he pull it off?  The question always looms, will this be the year?  We have had some great chances in the recent past.  Smarty Jones, Funny Cide, War Emblem, Big Brown, and that one with the screwed up leg.  You know; Paul McCartney’s ex-wife Barbaro.  All have tried.  All have failed.

So this year the epic battle began yet again.  A few were named to be the front runner.  However, a long-shot stole the spotlight.  This years Kentucky Derby winner was Mine That Bird.  Would he be able to hold off the field at Pimlico and Belmont?  Only time would tell.

However, someone new jumped onto the bandwagon at the Preakness.  A filly none the less.  Why so special you ask?  To be honest, I could not tell you.  But this chick was expected to take it deep.  And she did.

Rachel Alexandra brought the rest of the field to it’s knees at the Preakness a few weeks ago.  Mine that Bird charged late just as he did at the Derby, but came up ever so short claiming second place.  Son of a bitch.  Another year down the pisser.  Any triple crown chances were squashed as she crossed the finish line.

Now here is the kicker.  The owner of Rachel Alexandra announced this week that she would be sitting out the Belmont Stakes due to a much needed vacation.   And now I throw up a big ole’ WTF.  A much needed vacation?  She ran one damn race in the last 3 weeks.  Are you shitting me?

I am going to have to call bullshit on this one.  This horse and owner have totally screwed the triple crown this year.  Not only does she not run in the Derby, but then decides to sit out at the last race.  Sounds like a typical female to me.  Can’t make up her mind.  Pack her up and ship her to the glue factory.

I think this should be against the rules.  You must run all 3 races.  Of course, there are the few exceptions.  That one horse last year sucked it up at the Derby, so they capped her on the track.  I guess it is hard to run the next few after that happens.  But come one, this is a slap in the face to Mine That Bird.

Now I have to wait until next year to see if it can be done again.  And what if Mine That Bird takes the win at Belmont?  We will all be wondering what could have been if not for this flash in the pan.  Okay well maybe not all of us, but at least I will.

Say hello to your mother for me,

Moose Knuckle

[Photo from Yahoo! Sports]

Sorry I have not been around for a while.  I’ve been preparing for a momentous occasion.  Tomorrow, I will undergo X-Ray vision correction surgery.  So what do you do any day before surgery?  Watch television of course.  As I was flipping though the channels, I cam upon a marathon of sports, if you will.  An event of epic proportions is on ESPN the Deux (I went French there).  A sporting event so magnificent, the Greek gods themselves would bow before its greatness.  “What sporting event is it,” you ask.

The ESPN Timbersports series of course.  I mean seriously, what the hell is going on with sports coverage these days?  Is everything worthy of ESPN? Who actually watches this and takes it as a legitimate sport?  Then I remembered NASCAR has quite a few fans, so my shock quickly subsided.

If you have not witnessed the TimberSports series, I urge you to watch it.  You have great athletes(?) competing in events such as who can cut three slices off a log with a chainsaw the fastest.  This would be like the 100 meter dash, if we were watching track and field.  Now I respect the manliness of a chainsaw.  It’s only natural to want a powerful machine with a spinning chain of razor sharp blades between your legs.  But, I usually have to buy DVDs of that at the Erotic Boutique near my [Ed. note: parents'] mansion.

Next, was an event where competitors chopped logs with an axe.  Again, fastest time wins. So really, what’s next, an old dude whittling a stick into a likeness of Megan Fox’s vaj?  [Ed. note: I'll put my whittling stick in Megan Fox's vag] Actually, that might hold some merit  (I digress).  So these guys have to chop up this 9-inch log until is splits in half.  True, it is  show of strength, but…well… I guess you have to be there.

Other events include the who can climb a 25-foot tree the fastest.  It was so tense, I almost defecated on myself in anticipation [Ed. note: link added].  The boom run, where – I shit you not – people run across logs without falling off into the water.  Another event also involves a big log in the water (no not a turd in a pool) with  two people standing on it trying to spin it with their feet in order to get the the other one to fall off.  Oh my God, this is better than the Masters AND the Super Bowl combined.

I'm soooo wet!

Now, I did not watch all of the shows in a row, but I also witnessed the sawing of wood the old fashioned way.  That’s right with a good ole hand saw and some one spraying lube on the blade in order to reduce friction.  I always like to lube up when I’m throwing my wood around.

I’m not trying to knock these guys too bad… let’s face it, they could kick my ass and then chop me up with a saw.  I must give respect where it is due.  I could not do many of these events.  However, I must ask who in the hell came up with the idea to have this as an organized event?  Who at ESPN decides this is entertaining television programming? [Ed. Note - The same guy that green-lights Poker, Bowling, Pool, Spelling Bees, Darts and Spurs basketball games.]

What’s next?  A televised circle jerk?  Oh wait, they already have it, it’s called American Idol.  It may not be on ESPN, but still.  I just feel we have come to the day when anything can be considered a sport and any sport is worth being on TV.  Take poker for example.  I’ll admit it was cool at first, but now I’d rather watch the Real Housewives series – at least they beat the shit out of each other emotionally [Ed. note: we won't watch Real Housewives until it's physically beating the shit out of each other and topless, or at least the latter].  I fear the day is upon us when I’ll turn on the Deux and find a connect four tournament going on.  (I saw a yo-yo contest on fox sports a few months back.  Really?)

Are you ready for polo, camel racing,  pinewood derby racing, trick fornication, and muff diving all to be on TV?  Well the last two are, but you have to pay for it.  Why not have water sliding on TV?  Just go to Splash Town and set up the video camera.  Who can stay standing in the wave pool the longest.  Exciting.

A tip of my hat you STIHL TibmerSports and ESPN.  Thank you for the filler programming.  Never have I more enjoyed the sports of the less educated.  I must run now, women’s golf is coming on and I need to straighten my shafts.

Say hello to your mother for me,

Moose Knuckle [with extremely minor contributions from Septimus Rex and Pipez]

[Photos from STIHL Timbersports Gallery: Here and here]

Let me just slide on in. It's so warm, like a tunnel of love.

So the final round of the 2009 Masters is in the books.  Many entered but only one remains.  Angel Cabrera walked away this evening with the green jacket, but he had some help from the field to capture his second major title.

Kenny, Kenny, Kenny.  What the hell happened out there.  Two up with 2 to play and you have to go and end up in a playoff.  What were you thinking?  You hit up to number 16 only inches from the pin for a tap in birdie, but then you have to bogey 17 AND 18.  Come on man.

I felt like I was watching the Houston Rockets and the Astros combined.  An epic meltdown.  This one will be told for years to come.  Congratulations, Kenny Perry, you just got yourself the honor of being mentioned in the same breath as Greg Norman for most heart wrenching losses in Masters history.  The lore may haunt him forever.  Forever.  For-ev-er.

Personally, i was pulling for him every step of the way.  When he dropped the bogey putt on 17, I thought no big deal.  Par is for sure on 18.  But no.  He had to bogey that one too.  Noooooooo!  It then took two holes of sudden death before he succumbed to Angel Cabrera.  Doesn’t that just beat all.  Can’t an American catch a break?  Another job stolen by a foreign citizen.  Okay I jest.  You have to respect this guy’s game.

What a final round it was though.  I had not seen one this exciting in years.  For a moment, Mickelson climbed the leaderboard in heroic fashion.  I thought he might just have a chance.  But as usual he took the NASCAR approach and went down in flames.  At least he beat Tiger, who also made a comeback but faltered at the end as well.

Shingo Katayama was in the hunt near the end but his hat got in the way.  It was a shame.

I thought Steve Stricker might creep up to the top at one point, but again no joy for him in a final round.  His bag just did not go to eleven like he needed it to.

When all the scorecards were signed and turned in Angel Cabrera emerged as the victor.  A hard fought bloody battle, he slayed his enemies with a sword the shape of a 3-wood and daggers built of divot tools.  Some may think it a bit unexpected, but he proved all the doubters wrong.

We tried to get an interview [Ed. Note - WHAT?! No interview?!], but it turns out Mr. Cabrera does not speak English very well.  His translator was busy.  And since I’m a red-blooded American, I couldn’t understand what the hell he was saying.  But we at Fourth and Fifty congratulate you on a round well played.

Kenny, well what can I say.  I offer my condolences and my criticisms.  “Maybe next year,” is how they commonly phrase it.  But to be honest, this may have been the best shot.

Again, I think the team of Pipez and I could have handled this course well enough to win, but not embarrass the other players too badly.  Especially if it was played at Wildcat.   That gets me to thinking though, I think I’ll start a PGA tour for 2-man scramble teams.  We’ll have our own major.   Who’s with me?

Say hello to your mother for me,

Moose Knuckle

[Photo by Harry How/Getty Images]

Relax the cheeks

Let me first make a correction to yesterday’s blog. Chad Campbell has not won a major before.  I was confusing him with Shaun Micheel.  They look very similar, so it’s an easy mistake.  Plus it was like 5 years ago.  So sue me.  This is what outsourced golf coverage is.

Ok on to day two of the Masters.   The course is leading the second round, doing a lot of players in the pooper.  Scores are much higher on the second day.  Most players are taking it over par with some big numbers.  However some players found themselves immune from the tough conditions.

I guess Anthony Kim is a fan of the blog.  I must have lit a fire under his ass with my comments from yesterday.  He went out today and shot himself right into contention.  A 7 under 65 will get it done for sure.  He is 4 under for the tourney and sure to be a factor on the weekend now.  And when I say for sure,  I mean maybe.

As I watch the tournament on TV, I keep thinking they should have asked me and Pipez to play as a team.  There is no doubt in my mind that we could have gone out and wrecked shop like no other.  That is assuming they let us play as team in scramble format.  Talk about an unbeatbable duo.  Just imagine us walking up to Hootie Johnson and proclaiming, “We’re here to fuck shit up”.  You know it.

Say hello to your mother for me,

Moose Knuckle

And "boom" goes the dynamite

Any time I can use a pun, I like to go for it. 

It’s Thursday. Conditions are perfect.  So you know what that means…It’s business time.

So today marks the first round of the 2009 Masters.  Round one is now complete and we see some familiar faces near the top.  However, there are a few surprises up there too.  Where to begin?

I read an article today that said Sergio Garcia told the media he has not being playing well due to some personal issues in his life.  Exactly what those are, he refused to go into detail.  Needless to say, he proved himself right by going out and firing a not-so-sub-par 73.   Sounds like he’s got 99 problems, but hopefully a bitch ain’t one.  A good round tomorrow could put him in for the weekend.  I wouldn’t put a lot of money on that one though.

Tiger Wooooooooooooods!  Tiger did decent today.  70 is respectable on most courses and certainly at Augusta.  I’m not sure, but I think he is Seabiscuit reincarnated.  He likes to get just a little behind and then kick it into overdrive.  He’ll likely pull into the lead very soon and then shit on the competition.

You know who else shot 70? Greg Norman bitches. Fifty-four years old and he is still tearing it up.  The media says it’s Chris Everett working some kind of “magic”.  Not sure what she is doing, but I say keep it up.  Sadly, The Shark is cursed at Augusta.  I highly doubt we’ll see a win from him, but I would not count him out just yet.

Chad Campbell is certainly the most surprising player today.  At one point he had it to 9 under before giving a couple back to the golfing gods.  His karma must have been good this week.  Since his win at the PGA Championship a few years back, I can’t recall the last time he played really well.  Will he breakthrough again this year?  He’ll have to put up some more solid rounds with the other big names lurking ever so close.

Who’s hot:  Jim Furyk is in a close second. He’s no stranger to coming through in the clutch. Shingo Katayama wears the best hats of anyone on the tour.  It’s like a metrosexual cowboy hat.  Mike Weir is at it again.  He may just pull off a second green jacket.

Who’s not:  Reteif Goosen disappointed himself and his fans today with a horrific round.  Sorry, Big Hitter.  Phil Mickelson shot a blazing 73.  He’ll need to dig deep under Amy’s shirt to get back into this one.  Anthony Kim is finding that his ego may be too big for the course. 

The tournament is still young, so who will walk away victorious is still up for debate.  I’ll go ahead and start my picks.  Right now I’m liking Aaron Baddeley.  Of course I’ve just jinxed him.  Kenny Perry looks solid for the time being.  Geoff Ogilvy can never be counted out.  Padraig is in the hunt at yet another major.  Adam Scott may surprise if conditions hold up.  And frankly Rory Mcllroy has put himself in decent position.

As I said this is the greatest sporting event of the year.  I mean we’ve had a whole day of competition and we still don’t know who’s going to win.  I predict it will likely be the person who shoots the lowest rounds over the four day extravaganza.  Any takers?

Say hello to your mother for me,

Moose Knuckle

See what they did there? The pin's situated in Georgia... silly goose.

So April is upon us.  With that comes the Masters.  Not only the greatest golf tournament of the year, but also the greatest sporting event of the year.  Period.  Most people will tell you it is the Super Bowl, but I challenge that notion.  Why is it the greatest sporting event you ask?

Well let me elaborate:

First of all, we’ll go with the obvious.  The Super Bowl is one day.  One stinking day.  And the game only lasts, what, 4 hours at best?  I mean talk about blowing your load too soon.  People look forward to that match-up all season only to have it end in one short session.

The Masters on the other hand is four long and pleasurable days.  It’s the tantric sex of sporting events.  I mean come on, you get Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and the all important Masters Sunday where anything is possible.  After the first day of bloodshed, there are still 3 more exhilarating days to go.

Secondly, the Masters allows past champions to return and play.  Every year you get to see the greats tee it up again.  Jack, Arnie, Gary, etc.  Do you recall a recent Super Bowl where Bart Starr suited up for one last game?  I don’t think so.  As exciting as that would be to see Mean Joe Green to rip the face of of T.O. (assuming his bitch ass ever makes it to the big game again), it just is not happening.

Third, the Super Bowl only has two teams battling it out.  The Masters starts out with 150 give or take.  Therefore the Masters is 75 times better in regards to competition.  Beat that Roger.  Thursday morning it is anyone’s game.  (Except David Duval.  He’ll never have a chance again.)  In the Super Bowl, you have a pretty good idea who is going to win.  It’s either gonna be the home team or the away team.  Not much excitement there if you ask me.  I mean really, why do people tune in to a game where only two teams are playing.  Have you ever seen a Super Bowl by itself [Ed. Note - Very end of the clip], not for me.

Fourth,  Tiger Woods.  The Super Bowl does not have Tiger Woods.  The Masters does.  Enough said.  It also has Phil Mickelson’s epic melt downs and Sergio Garcia’s need to blame everyone else but himself for bad play.  There is no team in “I”, but there’s a “go fuck yo’self.”

Fifth, the Masters also has Tiger Woods’ wife.  Also enough said.  This brings me to another point though.  Golf wives are hotter.  How do I determine this?  Well they actually get shown on TV.  As compared to the Super Bowl.  I mean can you think of the last time you actually saw a player’s wife highlighted on TV?  The only one that comes to mind is of course big, Brenda Warner.  Let’s face it, she ain’t got it going on.  I’m honestly surprised she hasn’t been asked to suit up by the losing team once in a while.  But golf wives… Hot.

Have you seen Tiger’s wife?  Have you seen Phil’s wife?  Have you seen all the wives?  Like 90% of them are crazy delicious.  That just adds to the Masters when they get shown on TV cheering on their husbands.  I mean you have great golf and possible camel toe sightings all in one spot.  Plus, if the golf gets boring (which is very unlikely) or one-sided, you can always ask yourself:  “How many golf balls could she suck through this hose?”  Or, “I would not mind playing out of that rough.”  If you don’t get that one, I’ll explain it to you when you’re balls drop.

Sixth, (and this will be last reason… for now), in honor of the great University of Houston, the Masters has Fred Couples and Jim Nance.  They were roommates in their days at UH.  They actually lived in Taub Hall in the quads.  You know what rocks?  I also lived in Taub Hall.  Can you beat that Super Bowl?  I didn’t think so.

So those are my reasons for this year.  Next year, there will always be more.  If you don’t agree with them, I’ll be happy to fight you or at least have a trivia battle at the local BW3′s.

Quite simply put, the Masters is the ultimate sporting event of the year.  Don’t get me wrong, the Super Bowl is great.  On a scale of 1 to 10, it is assuredly a 10.  But the Masters has that ability to go one extra.  When the Super Bowl stops at 10, the Masters keeps it going.  On a scale of 1 to 10, the Masters is an 11.  It goes to 11.

Say hello to your mother for me,
Moose Knuckle

[AP Photo/David J. Phillip]

It's in the hole!

Ok so that picture wasn’t from the SHO, but it’s gold.  You can’t pass up the chance to make fun of it.

So the 2009 Shell Houston Open has come to an end.  Unfortunately, our UH alum Fred Couples did not pull out the win.  He did have the lead for much of the final round, but alas he could not hold on to take it to the clubhouse.    As the saying goes, you can’t win them all.  Better luck next year fellow Cougar.

As noted, most of picks failed in an epic manner.  Like I really care though.  Picking the outright winner in a tournament is pretty tough.  It’s like getting handskie in cargo shorts. It has not been done since ‘Nam.

So the eventual winner after a one hole playoff was Paul Casey.  He narrowly defeated JB Holmes to get his first victory on US soil.  The UK born champion sat down with us for a while after his win:

Fourth and Fifty -  So Mr. Casey I’d like to congratulate you on the win.  However, I’m a little pissed that you had to beat out Fred Couples.  Why the hell did you have to go and do that?

Casey -  Well I’m sorry you feel that way, but that is the way the cookie crumbles sometimes.  I want to win just as much as everyone else.

FaF -   Shut yo mouth!  And what was that?  I can’t hear you over that British accent.

Casey – Ummmm….

FaF -  Ok I’m sorry, that got out of line.  I’m a little bitter.

Casey -  It’s all good bro.  Fans are passionate for their players.

FaF -  What are you trying to say we’re gay her at Fourth and Fifty?

Casey:  No I wasn’t implying that at all…

FaF -  I mean it’s not like we’re having high tea like they do in England buddy.

Casey -   Wow you are bitter.

FaF -   No more than the Brits after the Revolutionary War.

Casey -  What the fuck is wrong with you?

FaF – Ok. Ok.  That got of control yet again.  Let me regroup.  So what led to your win today?

Casey -  Well I had a few good breaks today, and when the last put fell I had the lowest score.  You know, the player with the lowest score usually wins.

FaF -  No shit. Really?  I never would have thought.  Hey remember when the Americans raped the Europeans in the Ryder Cup last year?  That was fun.

Casey -  I suppose.  You know you are not really that great of a reporter.  I feel like I’m being attacked here because I’m not American.

FaF -   Oh did I hurt your feelings?

Casey -  Well a little.  You’re bringing me down after my win.

FaF -   Oh hey look what I have here.  It’s the world’s tiniest violin.  Go play your sob story to The Sun.

Casey -  Alright, Well I’m going to leave now.  Keep up the mediocre work.

FaF -   Peace out, Red Coat!*

Ok so not my best interview, but you don’t disrespect the University of Houston alums on our home field.

Next week is the Master’s.  We’ll be at the course** all week with in depth coverage.

Say hello to your mother for me,

Moose Knuckle

* = Role of Paul Casey played by Moose Knuckle.  Paul Casey was not available for actual comment.
** = Sitting on our couches watching at intervals when Goonies goes to commercials

Man I could use a beer. Why must the drinking age be 21? I'm going back to the UK

Well day one and a half  and part of day two of the SHO got underway today.  Thanks to some awesome winds, they had to call the first round as my esteemed colleague Septimus Rex informed you yesterday.  He did however fail to notice that some of my picks were actually doing well.  I called:

Justin Leonard, Geoff Ogilvy, and Steve Stricker.

Mr. Rex prematurely posted his comments before the first round was complete.  This is why I did update ya’ll yesterday.  It was too early to call.  Way to go Septimus.  Now you look like the ass.  You may want to stick to LPGA coverage.  Outsourced or not, I know my golf.

Personally, I would have kept playing.  Just like in Caddy Shack, “I don’t think the heavy stuff is gonna show up for a few hours”.  I mean 45 mph gusts are nothing.  I love hitting 100 yard drives and 200 yard 7-irons.  Of course if you get hit by a wind blown golf-cart, it doesn’t really matter how low you went that day.

So the second round is still underway.  They will finish it up tomorrow morning, but at least we have some ideas of how the big names are playing.

Phil Mickelson returned to his normal ways.  Opening with a 77 was simply stellar.  I’m sure he’ll be around for the weekend, but it will not likely be on the golf course.  Don’t worry Phil, Amy is there to beat off the pain.  See what I did there?

Justin Leonard is ripping it up pretty solidly, but I’m trying not to jinx him.  That tends to happen to some of my picks.  He is likely to be in contention for the weekend.  Just as predicted. “Cough cough”.

I don’t want to jinx him, but Sergio is actually doing quite well.  I guess he realized it was business time.  That’s why they’re called business socks.

Relative newcomer James Nitties from the UK is holding his own.  This guy always seems to hover around the lead for the first two days only to fade away on the weekends.  This Big Break product may just break through this week. If so, I’ll throw some beads.

Rory McIlroy, someone I forgot to add to my list, is back at it again.  This kid may have more talent that Tiger did at his age.  I expect to see him near the top this weekend.  It would be great if he wins, because all the players could take him out to Chuckie Cheese to celebrate.  Sorry dude, no pints for you in the US until you’re 21.

UH alum Fred Couples said screw you young guys, I’ve still got game.  You only as old as you feel. Couples tore it up on day 1 with a 4-under par 68.  Let’s hope he can keep it up.  Fight! Fight! Fight for the red and white and lead us on to victory!  Go Coogs!

Speaking of the older pack, Briny Baird is leading as I write this and Tommy Armour III is in the mix.  What the hell?

Hey David Duval.  Don’t think I didn’t notice that cozy little 70 today.  Did you read my last post?  You must have.  I lifted the curse.  Keep it up.  If you win this thing, you owe me.

More coverage to follow for the weekend.  And stay tuned for my interview with the winner of the SHO.  It’s gonna be a good one. [Ed. Note - YAY more real fake interviews!!!]

As always; So hello to your mother for me,

Moose Knuckle

So it is that time of the year again.  Professional golf in Houston is upon us yet again with the Shell Houston Open.  This year, the tournament boasts a pretty stacked field.  Many of the world’s top players are in town to tee it up.

Let the excitement begin.  So here is my breakdown of some of the field.  Basically who has a shot and who does not:

Tiger Woods:  He is not playing this week, but he still has a good chance of winning.

Phil Mickelson:  I fully expect to him near the top of the leader board for most of the tournament.  Of course when he hits the back nine on Sunday, all hell will likely break loose.  The way I see it going down: Phil will have a one stroke lead as he tees off on number 10.  He will miss a few putts and be tied with someone else, possibly Sergio Garcia.  At this point it will be a race to see who can implode the fastest.  Phil will probably hit a wild cutter of number 18 to seal his loss.

Sergio Garcia:  I know what I said above, but he actually has a good shot since this is not a major.  The world stage will not be watching, so he might just make that 5 footer for birdie on 18 to actually pull off a win.  However, he has not played in a few weeks, so I find this unlikely.  But we could all be surprised.  He does shine when Tiger is not around.

Padraig Harrington:  He forgot how to play golf this year and it is not a major.  Chances are slim to none, with slim fading fast.

Davis Love III:  He must win this week to get into the Master’s.  Will this happen?  Possibly.  It would be cool to see, but I’m just not feeling it down deep.

Fred Couples:  Hometown hero and University of Houston graduate will tee it up this week.  He won here in 2003.  Can he pull off another miracle?  He did play pretty well at Riviera this year so I think he is legitimate contender.  All Cougar alumni need to get out and show our support.  Sport your red and change your ringtones to the fight song [Ed. Note - I don't think I've ever laughed so hard at the song I'm proud of].

Greg Norman:  Well due to his performance at the British last year, he will get to tee it up at the Master’s.  Needless to say, the SHO is just a tune up for him.  While he will not win, he does need every penny to help pay that hefty $50 million divorce settlement [Ed. Note - He traded up kinda].  I hear Chris Everett will be in the crowd offering to give him the best Hand J, with her hand, after every tee shot.

Vijay Singh:  He is set to play, but I feel his gigantic head will throw him off balance this week.  Good thing the course does not have walls otherwise his ego would not fit.  Plus, I think he is still reeling from the defeat of Stanford Financial.  His money is still probably locked up by Uncle Sam, so a win would get him some much needed cash to pay for some lap dances at La Bare.  But I don’t see that happening, the win that is.

David Duval:  Why David?  Why can’t you play well anymore?  Well it is time to let you and everyone else in on a little secret.  You really want to know why you have not won since the 2001 British Open?  I’ll tell you.  At the 2001 Tour Championship, here in Houston, you finished up your Friday round and headed to the autograph area.  There I was waiting to get a golf ball signed by you.  A Nike Tour Accuracy to be exact.  But you chose to snub me David.  As a result, I had some ill will towards you.  Now I’m not saying I put a hex on you or anything, but the results speak for themselves.  My thoughts may have had unintentional consequences.  Sure I did not mean to take it this far.  I actually lifted the curse a few years ago, but I guess the damage has been permanent.  So now you know.  And knowing is half the battle.  I release you David.  It is okay to play well and win again. I give you permission.  Go out and conquer.  So while I’m hoping for the win, unless he reads this and understands he is allowed to win again, it will not happen.  And hey David, I still want my golf ball signed.  Email me for more info.

Camillo Villegas:  He always has a chance, I just fear he will pull a hammy bending down to read those puts.  Chances this week are 50/50.

So with entire field about to tee it up, who you ask is my choice to win this week?  Well after careful expert analysis I fully expect to see these players in contention:

Justin Leonard, Phil Mickelson, Sergio Garcia, Geoff Ogilvy, Charles Howell III, Steve Stricker, Aaron Baddeley, and, Rich Beem.

Possibly in contention: Jason Gore and Andres Romero

I feel the tournament will come down to duel between Steve Sticker and Charles Howell III.

But I’m giving the in to Charles Howell III this week.  In no way do I give any of you permission to hold me to that pick though.  I’m confident, but not that confident.

More analysis to follow after each round.

Say hello to you mother for me,

Moose Knuckle

[Photo from Houston's Clear Thinkers]

Somebody save Tiger from sinking in this bog! The PGA depends on you.

Well Tiger Woods has done it yet again.

He conquered Bay Hill in typical fashion coming from behind and sinking a long birdie putt to clinch the win.  Two years in a row Tiger has sunk a birdie to win the tourney.  In addition, he ended his winless streak at a whopping two tournaments.  Not bad for someone that took off 8 months to rehabilitate his knee.

It is getting pretty evident to me that this guy either has unequaled talent or some type of advantage in his bag that allows him to pull off spectacular shots and comebacks.  Luckily, Fourth and Fifty was able to get an exclusive interview with Tiger to see if we can nail this down.

Fourth and Fifty:  Congratulations Tiger on your sixth victory and Bay Hill and thanks for spending some time with us today.

Tiger Woods:  Thanks and you’re welcome.  It was one wild and crazy round.

FaF: You started the day a few shots back.  What was they key to coming up with the victory.

TW:  Well I got a few lucky breaks.  Those never hurt.  Plus Sean O’Hair started to tank late in the day.  I’d say after he dunked it in the bitch on 16, I was in control.  I think he got scared of my aura.

FaF:  Wow that’s pretty modest of you.  But I have to agree.  O’Hair puttered out at the end.  You see what I did with that pun there Tiger?  You like that?

TW:  Sorry I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my money counting machine.

FaF:  Anyway, you said there was a little bit of luck in your comeback.  But let’s be honest, your skill has a lot to do with it.

TW:  This is true.  It cannot be denied.  I am the greatest golfer of all time.  But I also have help from my caddie and my equipment.

FaF:  Ahh yes.  The equipment.  Speaking of that, on 16 when you hit it so close, what club did you use?

TW:  My 11 iron.

FaF:  Excuse me, you have an 11 iron?  I thought sets only went to 9 and then on to the wedges.

TW:  Other golfers clubs stop at 9, but my set is special.  When I need that extra special shot, you know when it is all on the line, I reach for the trusty 11 iron.  Other golfers can’t go that far.  Their sets only go to 9, but mine goes to 11.

FaF:  Well why don’t you just use the correct club for the right yardage like everyone else?

TW:  11 just gives you that extra edge.  Whether it be 200 yards or 90 yards, the 11 iron never fails me.  This set goes to 11.

FaF:  Well there you have it folks.  Go to your local pro shop and pick up an 11 iron.  Speaking of clubs Tiger, I went out and tried some of those Victory Red blades you helped design.  They are pretty sweet.  What makes them so awesome?

TW: You mean besides the fact that I helped design them?  Well the honest truth is there is a little part of me in each club.

FaF: Because you put so much effort in to helping the design team?

TW:  No, I literally mean there is a part of me in each club.  I figured that my golf talent must be ingrained in by DNA.  As a result, we put a little drop of my blood in each club built.  Why do you think we called them Victory “Red”.  The idea is that my DNA will help you play better.

FaF:  WTF?  Are you kidding me?  So you put your blood and sweat in these clubs, literally.  That is crazy.  Do you think the DNA fusion is helping?  This isn’t some ploy to eventually have your DNA in every golfer is it?

TW:  Oh I think the DNA helps.  I mean it works for me right?  But it’s not everyone can just assume my DNA.  It goes against the rules of nature.  Of course we are working a special set for the ladies that has a different form of DNA in it.  Those would be called the Victory “White” if you catch my drift.

FaF:  Yes I think a deaf, blind man could catch that innuendo.  Right, so anyway, you mentioned your caddie too…

TW:  Yeah Stevie helps me out when the times are tough.  If I’m playing bad, I can always count on him to say the right things during the tournament.

FaF: Like what?

TW:  Well for example, after I hit it into the bunker on 17, he just walked up to me and said, “Close you eyes.  Now picture me dangling my dice on your forehead.”  It is a little unorthodox, but I guess it works.  You can’t argue with success.

FaF:  So when you picture a dude tea-bagging you, you play better?  Have you seen your wife?

TW:  Yeah she’s hot right?  She likes to play with my “11-iron” if you get what I’m saying.

FaF: Thanks for that colorful thought there Tiger.  So we’ve got the Shell Houston Open coming up this week.  How come you never play down in my hometown?  Did we wrong you some how?

TW:  No, I just don’t like to play the week before a major.

FaF:  Of course, the Masters is coming up.  But you have never played in the Shell Houston Open when it was not the week before the Masters.  What gives?

TW:  Um.  Oh. La la la la.

FaF: Way to dodge a question there buddy.  But I guess I’ll be the bigger man.  Good luck at the Master’s this year.  I’m sure you’ll be near the top if not on top.

TW:  Well I fully expect to win as always.  But it is really anyone’s game.  You never know in this sport.  I mean what if I break my 11 iron during a round?

FaF:  Good point.  So if you don’t win, who would you expect to see wearing the green jacket on Sunday.

TW: David Duval.

FaF:  Keep on dreaming buddy.  Well thanks for talking with us today Tiger and good luck at Augusta.

TW:  Hahahahahaha!  I was just kidding.  I’m going to win.  And it was my pleasure to talk to you Mr. Moose Knuckle.*

- Moose Knuckle

*Tiger Woods likely did not actually talk to us.  In fact, he did not.