Each week we’ll dig deep to find the best dirt on the next opponent of the Houston Cougars. If you have any suggestions e-mail them to us (firstname.lastname@example.org) and we’ll make sure to include them. Generic shit-talk is completely acceptable if not preferable.
The Cougars make their glorious return to football on Saturday against the lowly Div 1-AA (because we don’t like the term FCS) Southwest Texas Texas State Bobcats. It should be very one-sided contest since most of the school is still floating river, and generally speaking most people are above shit-talking a team in a lower league, but we aren’t. So here is what you need to know about Texas State.
- Texas State Grads have pearly whites! - San Marcos here we come. When people think backwoods, country bumpkin, marrying your sister hill county college grads from San Marcos State, you usually will have a picture of this person. No, not at Southwest Texas though. In fact, they made it a point to let you know about this in this video: Don’t be fooled, getting a blowjob from a Texas State grad is like getting a blowjob from your grandma – the gums help with the sensation. For more explanation on how a Texas State Grad will give you the time of your life, See here.
- Texas State can’t figure out its own name – Are you Texas State? Southwest Texas State? Maybe if you put Texas in the beginning of your school name will make some high school kids think they’re applying to TU instead of your school. Its like buying a Hyundai when you thought you were buying a Honda. Changing your name to Texas State does nothing to your social status – You’re still the red headed stepchild of Texas Universities . . . wait, that’s us.
- According to Wikipedia, the original name of the school was Southwest Texas State Normal School. Nothing reeks of a school for the mentally challenged more than the name “normal school.” I’m sure that the teachers told all their students that the were normal just like everyone else (except for the herpes).
- You can’t drink after midnight! San Marcos closes its bars at midnight. Why? Probably to curb drinking and help college kids go home at a reasonable hour. Yeah. Right. Reason this out. Go ahead and get smashed here in San Marcos, close down the bar, and drive to Austin blitzed out of your mind. An average night for a Texas Statian [Ed note - Our new word]. Fucking retards!
- Pigs fly at Texas State (into the water that is)– San Marcos’s Claim to Fame? How about the homecoming queen of Texas State gets to perform in front of a live audience at a world famous amusement park. Don’t believe me? The proof is in the pudding.
- If you can’t get into college – Go to Texas State! Texas State’s minimum GPA for admission: 2.0. Graduate from High School and you can get into Texas State. And even with such high standards, Texas State claims to be the 5th largest public school in Texas. How shitty does your school have to be where if you graduate from high school you get in, yet you can’t even get enough applicants to best four other public schools in Texas? Mosey on over to San Marcos and ask a Texas State Student!
- We have the bluebonnets on the side of the road thanks to Texas State – Fuck you Texas State. Every time in the spring I see our highways and byways overgrown with weeds and shitty flowers, it makes me curse the day Texas State was born. You provided us with one of the greatest presidents – LBJ. LBJ’s greatest achievement – being married to Lady Bird. Nothing says Texas like fat white trash rednecks piling all of their kids out of the minivans, blocking a lane on the highway, so they can sit their chunky kids in weeds on the side of the road and take pictures.
- The Bobcats don’t take shit from nobody – Mascots are supposed to be fun loving, carefree, kid friendly, funny creatures. That’s why they have the big heads and fluffy bodies. Except for the Texas State Bobcat. He’s a bad ass son of a bitch who won’t take shit from nobody. Well fuck you Bobcat! Flicking off your own fans! Wait till Shasta picks you up by the balls a tea bags you back to the Guadalupe River.
- Texas State is a cultural oasis – When you think of plays and musicals to bring to your fine university what plays would you find that will make the most snobby of theatre snobs cream their pants? Bat Boy the musical. Live at Texas State! Bringing culture to your small redneck of the woods. Seriously?
- Texas State girls are classy – This link says it all. I’m speechless.
- Texas State had a documentary made of its early football days – Fuck you Texas State and your world famous football team. They had a has been QB, and even let hot slutty girls play!
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