Septimus Rex
Johnny 5
Pipez
wanksmacgruber
Josh Being Josh
Moose Knuckle
Song of the Day: Like anyone besides Pipez and Rex cares. Hey, look at how hip and unaffected I am – I care about crappy bands that will never make it (because they suck)! You know who doesn’t suck? Not Rex.
Brett Fav-re! Brett Fav-re! Brett Fav-re! What a few weeks. I actually stopped hating him* during the Dallas game because he was so incredible (twss, and by “s” I mean your mom, and “s” was referring to me). I also felt bad for the exorcism pouding he took from the Saints. It was a strange feeling I had, like empathy wrapped in a bbq potato topped with nerds rope. Because that’s what was in my stomach at the time. And then he went and Brett Fav-red the whole thing up with that classic INT. It’s sad. It’s like when fat chicks try to get away with being fat, even though it’s totally against the law. You feel bad for them, but you’re a law-abiding citizen and you hope those criminals don’t eat you.
*I really do hate him, but don’t know why – he’s self-serving and whiny and an attention whore, but then again I write for a blog and you read a blog and then bottom post some inane crap about where high school seniors are going to matriculate. So we don’t really have any room to talk. It’s not Brett Fav-re’s fault ESPN wants to have sexual relations with him, or that a lot of companies want to pay him a lot of money to endorse their products. You wouldn’t say no to this, either. Oneton has an endorsement deal with Depends, and Chad rocks the Vagasil even though their corporate office call-blocked him. So why do we hate on Brett Fav-re for getting free Wranglers for the rest of his life? We hate him because we are jaded and feel strangely compelled to hate on something. It’s a symbiotic relationship and says more about us than about him. I’m guilty, too, of hating him with no good reason. Not that has ever stopped any of us before. Screw that guy. Motherscrewer.
On a related note, you remember the scene in The Rock where Nic Cage goes diving for the green bombs as they roll off the edge of the cliff, threatening to destroy everything in a hundred mile radius (2:48 of the clip below)? If we got to choose people to not catch the green bombs (think like jury selection), Adrian Peterson would be my number one choice. Here is a collection of The Life and Fumbles of AD. And if you need a primer on The Rock, well then…
I should probably talk about Houston Sports now…
Coogs: Our 3 uber-geeky fans are going nuts that we haven’t yet mentioned Brian Stewart (nickname: Stewie?) as our Defensive Coordinator. Simmah down, nah! I did put it below the fold just to screw with y’all. Chad has already gone on a 3-state murder spree like in Natural Born Killers, so maybe my choice wasn’t the best for society overall. In any case, our crappy defense got a crappy defensive coordinator from the worst team in America. I know he’s crappy because he lived in Dallas. Anyone from Dallas…hey, what’s this breaking news from The Examiner?
Prior to joining the Eagles, Stewart served as the Dallas Cowboy’s defensive coordinator for two seasons. Under his watch, the Cowboys’ defense collected consecutive top-10 rankings in overall yards allowed and top-three rankings in sacks.
A league-high five defenders (DeMarcus Ware, Roy Williams, Greg Ellis, Ken Hamlin and Terence Newman) made the Pro Bowl during Stewart’s first year in Dallas (2007).
Stewart was the secondary coach for the San Diego Chargers from 2004-2006. In his final season on the West Coast, the Chargers collected a league-high 61 sacks.
Holy crap, this guy is awesome! He’s going to juvenate the defense in a way we’ve never seen (because rejuvenate means it used to be that way, and we both know our D has always sucked, and yes, twss). Cue Alleluia Chorus!
I’d write more here, but you should just refer to the 81 subsequent bottom-posts by 3 people. Over/under for Big Hitter is 20, Oneton is 30, and Chad is 168. So maybe there will be more like 200 bottom posts. Take that as a challenge, fanatical UH geeks! See if you can break our record of 42 bottom posts. Go!
Texans: If you’re looking for upside, we done pretty well with our mid-round pick last year, even though some people accused him of roiding up and/or man tits. I’m for moving up and drafting Eric Berry. That’s what I’ll be doing in Madden, and Madden strategies always work out in RL (says the Redskins front office). Also, Tim Bulman is doing a live chat on Thursday, so please feel free to ask questions like the following:
“Mr. Bulman, you’ve often said that your motor is high because if you don’t get a sack you feel like you are going to die. Isn’t there cognitive dissonance between the aforementioned statement and the fact that you haven’t yet died even though you have fewer than a dozen so called “sacks” in your various and sundry years as a professional footballer? Zing! I shall now call you Mr. Bulshit. Your response, sir?”
Rockets: Out-scrapped by the Hotlanta Hawks, 102-95. First time the Hawks have won in Houston since the ’90s. The game kind of sucked, with the Rox only shooting 23% from 3 and Josh Smith and Jamal Crawford going a bit crazy. But mostly it was Mike Bibby looking like the trick ass ho he always looks like. If he played in a larger market, he would be the most hated PG in the game. Don’t get me wrong – I loved him in ’02 with the Kings (mostly because I hated the Lakers, but those Kings were a super-fun team to watch). But over the years the headband and the high socks and the constant bitching and moaning and never becoming a great player got to me. He’s a d-bag and we really should hate him more. I remember an article about how he took 500 shots a day in the offseason, which seemed like a lot until word got out that Kobe took 2,000. Plus Bibby has been known to lay down when his team isn’t clicking. He’s the ultimate headband guy but no one seems to realize it.
Pipez: Says he took a sabbatical to become certified as a nuclear waste technician. Horsecrap! Photo evidence says otherwise. Pipez has been rubbing hisself all up and down with the peanut butter and cheering on 18 year old boys. Seriously. That picture looks just like Pipez, if he drank less and worked out more.
Astros: Arbitration with Wandy. Word is, the mole on Wandy’s face wants a 4- year extension.
Gary Coleman: Was arrested. Oh Noes!!! What are you talking about? Willis? Willis? WILLIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????
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Handel’s masterpiece can be spelled with a “H” or without the “H”, just like Olajuwon’s first name. First!1111010101
Count me as impressed that we could even sniff a guy with credentials like BStew, let alone sign him. I think CKS is an expert salesman, but more than that actually believes in the product he is selling. Bstew is in for the ride and should have the D playing at a much higher level. Sure he was ‘DC’ under Coach Cupcake for half of a season when the D was slipping away, but to have some time under a good defensive head coach at the NFL level is time well spent.
Also, in his comments, he is looking to move to a headcoaching position…sure it makes me nervous but the pressure will be on him to produce.
I like the hire, I like CKS, and I like the prospects for next season even more! We just need to get the OC sowed up and we can get this train moving in the right direction, ALL ABOARD!!
The COOG train to BCS bowl game is about to board, please have your ticket ready for the stewar(t)d.
I have no idea why he would have made the comment that he wanted to be a head coach one day to the media. HOW DARE HE!!! A young, defensive coordinator bent on the top gig?! What an asshole!! People should be happy with the lot that life draws for them. Where are the people that are content on being the first loser? The Cougars should never hire anybody that has high aspirations for themselves. Stupid Mack Rhoades. Stupid Kevin Sumlin. Stupid UNIVERSITY OF HOUSTON!!!!!1!@!!!!1
What are you talking about? This guy was getting paid NFL money, and was dumb enough to accept a job for UH coordinator money. The same size paycheck that was too small for Holgorsen. There must be something wrong with him. There must be!
Okay…I demand that you stop thinking like a Cougar THIS INSTANT! This is the same train of thought that has plagued us for years.
WE
WILL
WIN!
Put your seatbelt on and hang-tha-fuk-tight!
whoa whoa whoa there chief… you know that this is a satire blog, where we like to have the opposite reaction to be ironical… where is your internetsmanship?
I was actually trying to replicate a typical response from a ‘CoogsFan’. I am trying to bring that perspective to this site full-o-muthofuckery.
I didn’t see any sarcasm dripping with blood. There’s no way that was ironical.
And that “thinking like a Cougar” is actually appropriate for Coogfans…
ironical? lol
Oneton: Parody PHALE!
Oh yeah, what the hellz iz wrongz wiz dependz?
I can haz shiz?
Should someone send out a search party for BH and Chadley?
The first rule of FaF Club is that you don’t talk about FaF Club(‘s bottom posters in your post).
Sorry for my late arrival to the party. No worries TRG…I got caught up this morning scouring the webz for the perfect new home and vehicle defense weapon. Besides I figured you guys wouldn’t have anything up ’til 2 anyway.
This will probably do the job…
Trying to decide between that, or the far more practical Ruger sr9. But I hate doing practical things, so fuck it. Now about football…
I love the word “juvenate.” I am adding it to my repertoire. As for Super Stewie…a few things I like…his defenses have been aggressive, he is young, he is motivated, and he is black. Not to be racist (it is always necessary to preface extremely racist comments with “not to be racist”), but black kids and black kids’ parents like black coaches. “The Houston area is a hotbed of talent” translates to “Houston is full of black kids that can seriously play ball” in my ears. Now our HC, OC, and DC are all “bout it, bout it.” This is good. Also, I’d bet that young Jeffcoat’s favorite team is the Cowboys…who wouldn’t want to play for the coach of their favorite team? Maybe this tips the scale in our favor…either way I think it’s a great hire.
Well, at least Chadly had the ballz to come out and say what we were all thinking. Should it make a difference…No….but does it make a difference…Hellz to tha yeah! Either way, black, white, brown(the Mother color), purple, whatevs…if he can shore up our D then bring him in. If kids(and parents) feel a connection with him then so be it, especially if they are 5-star recruits.
Just keep in mind, there are a lot of coaches/coordinators that didn’t make it at the NFL level, but that doesn’t mean that they cannot rule the roost in the NCAA’s.
Chad, next time….black = African American. hahahaha!
…white = tight end or long snapper.
You must be from Fort Worth if you think they prefer the term African Americans. Look Whitey…white people came up with that term and it doesn’t even make sense. #1 Not all black people are from Africa, #2 Not all Africans are black. So the term is ignorant, and to some, offensive. The term they like best is “black dudes.” This is one reason why having black coaches is better for recruiting. Pastey old white coaches don’t know how to relate to the players or their parents…they don’t even know how to refer to them. No matter how much a white person can try to empathize/sympathize with black people, they can never understand. It is what it is. At least that’s what they tell me.
Speaking of pastey old white coaches…Mack Brown and Wandy both have mouth herpes.
and I quote: ‘Pastey old white coaches…’ please see: Dana Dimel, Kim Helton…
Vehicle defense weapon?
Consider the MagnaVolt:
I’m here.
Yeah, BH posted over on Scampi’s blog/article.
Dude, fat chicks are the bomb. They are a lot more fun and willing. Plus, let’s be honest you and most, i.e. all, of the posters here have their best shot with a big girl.
Chad, using your logic then how does a “black dude” like CKS expect to get big time recruits that are white? Is he supposed to go in and talk about Dave Mathews and Michael Buble like he relates? We are doomed!!! DOOMED!!!!!!
What the hell are you talking about big time white recruits?!!! You think you can’t teach a black dude to long snap? If you’re concerned about having a white QB, just send Kingsbury to tell him he’ll throw for 5,000 yards every year. Am I missing something?
And two things I’ll never understand…why guys hate on sluts, and why guys hate on fat chicks. These women perform an invaluable service. Men should be thanking them. Somebody’s got to step in and replace your hand on occasion…playing the role of “chick you sleep with, then later deny, give absolutely no respect, and forever after ignore and avoid.” These chicks step in and fill the void between the really hot (relative term as it is) chicks you sleep with, because you aren’t good enough yourself to keep the hot chicks around…and if you’re sleeping with hookers instead of sluts or fat chicks, because you think you’re above them….well you’re just creating a false sense of inflated self worth….and working on a nice set of sea barnacled balls.
Chad reminds me of Christain Bale from American psycho with the closehangers and the “flexing in the mirror” scenes.
“I believe in taking care of myself, in a balanced diet, and a rigorous exercise routine. In the morning if my face is a little puffy, I’ll put on an ice pack while doing my stomach crunches. I can do a thousand now.”
I have to return some videotapes
haha. Classic.
If anyone is a fan of the movie and hasn’t read the book, I highly recommend it.
WORD!!!
oh wait…what did he just say?