Septimus Rex
Johnny 5
Pipez
wanksmacgruber
Josh Being Josh
Moose Knuckle
Song of the day: Press Hop Playoffs Remix…
Playoffs? Playoffs? Playoffs? Who wants a recap of the weekend’s football? Get it, Aaron Rodgers? Football! Foot ball!!! Here you go!!!
What, the coffin fail wasn’t enough analysyzinging for you? /ingrates. That video was actually the best analysis one could hope for. Excepting the Cards and Pack, the weekend was full of competitive fail, starting early on Thursday with Gs Up, Horns Down. But this Smear shall be about professional footballing, not burnt orange bloodletting.
Caution: This isn’t going to be brief, so go ahead and get a cup of coffee, go to the bathroom, make sure you don’t have any meetings in the next 2 hours, etc… You’ve been fairly warned.
Side Note of Personal Privilege: The NFL Playoffs are a special time to the Random Family. The Random Baby was born 2 days before the last Super Bowl, which we watched from her hospital room at the Women’s Hospital of Texas, which true to name does have a lot of women. If you’ll indulge me with 2 “then and now” pics, and then we can get on to the motherlovery. Thanks.
Then...
Now!!!
Cards at Packers: Holy crap, that was the crazyassest thing I ever done see. Starting with Aaron Rodgers throwing one little pass to his brother from another mother, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, it looked like the game was going nowhere fast, but ended up going fastwhere fast, knowhatimsayin? There are too many things to analyze, so I’ll analyze none of them and instead in homage to Rex making overcomplicated dumb nicknames ala Chris Berman, I’ll make overcomplicated dumbass nicknames. Kurt “Time” Warner “Brothers” had the best game anyone could expect from God’s chosen son. The news about him possibly retiring isn’t surprising, given that God’s other son, Tim Tebow, is coming in the league next year. This is just like the plot of Little Nicky. Or Highlander.
There can be only one (son of YHWH).
Aaron Carter Rodgers had himself a fine game besides the 1st and 5th quarters, too. Steve “My” Breaston”Brings All the Boys to the Yard” was supposed to be the guy who stepped up in the absence of Avon Barksdale Anquan Boldin, but instead Early Doucet kept his pimp hand strong with 2 first half TDs. I’d make up a name for Early if he didn’t sound like a gunslinger from Deadwood. Hey Early, 1789 called – they want their name back! Lolololololol. I also don’t have a name for Darnel Docket, but just know that he goes on the list of “guys I least want The Random Baby to date in 2030″. That list looks a little something like this:
- El Rat
- Darnel Docket
- Pipez
- Any of you aholes
Is the one on the right supposed to be classy? It does have a handkerchief.
Here are some other terrible nicknames before moving on:
- “My Name is Ghetto Twilight” LaRod Stephens-Howling
- Antrel Rolle”ing with the Homies”
- Chike “Monkey” Okeafor
- Neal “Nice” Rackers
- Donald Driver “Ms. Daisy”
- Larry “F. Scott” Fitzgerald
- “I’m Black Even Though My Name Isn’t” Ryan Grant
Ravens at Pats: It’s all about Ray Rice “Girls Are Ugly“. Actually the linked Facebook page really pisses me off. Rice Girls Are Ugly is the intellectual property of myself and TortillaZorro and I guess El Rat since he “mined the claim” by making the t-shirts for half a decade. MY INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY, MOTHERLOVERS! Seriously. We came up with it in 1998 and our first t-shirts were 1999 or 2000. I’m like one of those starving artists whose genius won’t be recognized until 50 years after I’m dead. Let’s get back to the crappy nicknames. (TortillaZorro, can we sue that Facebook page? Call me.)
- Derrick Mason “Dixon”
- LeRon “Not the Presidential Runner Up but Might be the Guy from Die Hard” McClain
- Tom “I make Joel Przybilla’s Name Look Rational” Zbikowski
- Dominique “You Might be a Redneck” Foxworth
- Matt “A.C.” Slater
- Gary “I Like” Guyton”s”
- Sebastian Vollmer – I’m not giving him a crappy nickname, just wanted to rep for the Coogs
- “I Sound Like Some Hot Southern Belle from Gone With the Wind Mated with a Taunton” Tully Banta-Cain
- This is getting boring. Let’s drop the shtick and move on.
21 Comments
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I was torn about the Pokes-Eagles game. I usually want the Cowboys to lose and since Philly drafted Kolb I root for them. However, the idiot Eagles players gave Mike Vick the Ed Block Courage award for doing all his court appointed public service so now i pray for Kolb to get traded to anywhere. Canada, AFL2, somewhere, just get away from those moronic, cheesesteak gulping janitor firing, obnoxious fans and proud about Philadelphians. .
Uncle D spent some money on a wife beating pitcher, maybe the good guys poster will have to have Snidley Whiplash mustaches drawn over them now.
CooGS: Sumlin has interviewed former Marshall HC, and Ohio State DC, Mark Snyder. That would be a tremendous hire.
Rox: I will be dissapointed if we let Aaron Brooks go. It wasn’t easy to find a decent point guard…now we have one, and I don’t think parting ways with his is a good idea unless we are planning on signing a marquee PG in the offseason.
Iggles: When does Kolbs contract expire? Is it through 2010? Seems to me like once that thing expires he could be starting for half the teams in the NFL. Surprisingly he was listed as the emergency QB…Not surprisingly, McNabb looked very McNabbish.
McNabbs best move was the okie doke in the tunnel before coming out on the GLORIOUS FIELD IN ARLINGTON, TEXAS. Other than that he was pretty forgettable.
The D looks monsterious, quick, and unyielding; while the O looks insync and efficient. And that was the challenge of Wade’s life/career!
Moving on to the Minnesota Brett Favres and A.D., this should be a really good game.
http://blogs.houstonpress.com/hairballs/2010/01/uh_utep_basketball.php
I hate to say this but Royal is spot on.
Chad – maybe you could be the next fan ejected at teh Hof. Note: one of the two ejected fans was female. Never seen that before.
“Gs up, Horns down” is the kind of thing that makes FaF worth the d-baggery.
Actually, the d-baggery is pretty worthwhile in and of itself.
….while you motherlovers dance to this.
scott whitt, you missed the point. McNabb was so McNabbish that our boy, KK, is going to not start next season by an even slimmer margin than nuclear physicists can measure. That’s the closest thing to a silver lining I can find in a SteerPoker win. Seriously, though, when is Andy Reid going to figure out that Donovan McNabb is a classier, less-homo (NTTAWWT) version of VY.
chad-21500 Park Row-77449, do what you do, mayun. If baby pictures are as close as TRG can get to content, at least the bottom posting is top-notch. You’re on point re: Snyder & Brooks. Bosh is a monster, but couldn’t we trade the face-stompee and a bag of scrap for him?
I forgot one:
Beanie “H.G.” Wells
Actually it would be Chris “Beanie” “H.G.” Wells
Nothing like nicknames that require a comma.
By making the trade, the Rox would become a little less suck and basically all of the scraptabulous scrapilitude with a side of scrizzap would be gone. Replaced by real (Dallas) talent in Bosh, and I agree fully that C. Bosh is going to come into his own and remake the forward postion for the league in only a way that he can.
The Raptors are hot garbage on fire with Bosh, period. Did they make the playoffs…yes. Did they get outted like Andy Dick in the first round of the Playoffs Gay Pride day? Sho’ nuff!
Content or no, at least his post was up early in the day. That’s better than can be said for some of these scrubs who wait til mid afternoon to roll out of bed and mail it in.
OH YES HE DID!
Do you like reading posts that go up after lunch? HELL TO THA NAW!
I might only show up to “work” once every two weeks, but I’m punctual 100% of those days.
In summary, 10% of the time, I’m punctual 100% of the time.
Nothing says professionalism like a job that is supposed to get done when the sun comes up not getting done until shortly before the sun goes down.
Oh, the paragon of jobs well done turns smarmy, eh? You had one job in November to spam us to (I don’t remember who now), and I don’t know what happened, but we didn’t get big numbers from it. Way to complain about the free content. I’m starting a subscription package just for you. $8.95 per month but it drops to $6.95 if you pay 6 months in advance.
the random subscription anyone?
he has a kid = he gets up early every day
The smear is supposed to be posted, when WE say it is supposed to be posted. If Septimus is hung over, and taking the day off and posts it at noon, then the smear was supposed to be posted at noon.
Just because JBJ gets it up early (TWSS), doesn’t mean you all need to get greedy around here… sheesh. At least we post on a regular basis (ScottandHolman I’m looking at you)
Check and check-mate.
Damn you Headbutter, you don’t get to make the rulez around here…you just have to live by them.
:)
These boys obviously have each other’s backs…even when they are sleeping(homoz).
Yes…like the orchestra aboard the Titanic they will continue playing together as the ship goes down.
I took video game reviews over to the G-rated Josh Being Josh blog. Here is Modern Warfare 2:
http://wp.me/pJtuG-1Q
Great article. At least the parts I understood! One day I will crack the FaF code….then I will likely kill myself.
* A dude I went to high school with made the late, helmet to helmet hit on Rodgers the play before he coughed it up. I hope that little bit of cheating made the play possible. And yes, the guy I knew is now described as a grizzled veteran.
* Time to make way for the Kevin Kolb era in Phillie. I love McNabb, but it is time to move on. Let’s see McNabb in Buffalo. He went to Syracuse (I know. I saw him dismantle the Coogs in 1996!). They need a QB. Surely there is no one on the Bills that would clash with Donovan!
* Time to ax Tom Penders. Despite having the best kinky perm since my mama circa 1984 and being a pretty good Cougar supporter, we will always be a 17 win team under him. I’d rather swing for the fences and suck then be a perpetual 17 win team. Because unlike always winning 7 games a year in pigskin, 17 a year in basketball is boring.
* I’m picking the Colts over the Cowboys in the highest rated Superbowl in recent memory.
Lies…(re: Playoffs)
Baltimore smashes the league MVP, but cant overtake the Chargers.
Chargers and Dallas in the highest rated anything in recent memory, Dallas by 6.
Re: Penders = WORD!
Re: Kolb = WORD!