New Year’s Eve Houston Sports FaF Smear

Song of the Day: White Rabbits – “Percussion Gun”

Over/Under Bear Claws Consumed Lifetime = 1.538 E8 (revive those calculus courses)

This is a very special FaF Smear this morning. It’s New Year’s Eve, and with midnight but fourteen hours away we have some thinking to do. It’s time to make those New Year’s Revolutions Resolutions. I’ll go first so that nobody feels like they need to hold anything back: I resolve to be more swagtastic than ever in 2010. No website will go unturned searching for the latest and greatest in dick-jokery or motherfuckery. Fourth and Fifty will reign supreme over all Houston sports blogs (even though we kind of already do) and a new empire will be born out of the vacuous Houston sports swagger scene.

Now, JBJ has already gone over his Hopes and Dreams for the year 2010, and by all counts they’re… well, hopey and dreamy, I guess.

Now it’s your turn?

Nothing?

Let me help you out. It’s diet time. That seems like one of the usual Resolutions every year. The top six of which are usually:

- Diet
- Workout
- Quit smoking
- Learn a new hobby
- Stop killing hookers and burying them under the 50-yard line of Robertson
- No sexy time with imprudent biotchez who sleep with married men while you’re dating them

Some of you have met me in real life (or RL as JoshBeingJosh so gheyly calls it), and know the lithe physical specimen that I am. Sinewy, strong, hung like a goddamned Beluga, killer hair, eyes that light the entire room… Honestly, the list goes on and on. But, dear readers, there is a secret to my success. Today I will share it with you so that everyone can be a bit more like me this year (and this would be for the best, trust me).

Inspired by a commercial I saw a couple days ago for the Taco Bell, Drive-Thru Diet I have decided to finally reveal how I reached this level of awesomeness. First, let’s take a look at the competition’s ridiculous video and see what we’re up against:

You know what I think? Christine is a liar, and possibly a whore. I say this because she used to be a fatty, and fatties never get laid. It’s the way the world works. But, now that she’s not a fatty, she’s been a dick-wetting floozy trying to catch up on the fucking that she missed out on previously. Let me tell you something, readers… Nobody, and I mean nobody, gives a beej like a fat girl. It combines their two favorite things: Getting almost laid (which is like a Mecca for them because they never get laid) and eating (which they love to do, obviously). That being said, former fatties never lose that ability to toot your horn. It’s the best of both worlds. If you’re going after a chick, make sure it’s the one that lost 70 pounds right before they met you.

So, let’s jump into my five-step plan for you. Please, pass this along to your friends. Lord knows they need it.

Sexy Septy’s Guide to Looking Awesome and Being Awesome in 2010

Step #1 – Eat more fast food - Seriously, do it. Specifically, if you’re hitting the McDonald’s drive-thru 8-12 times a week you’re doing the right thing. If you’re in the mode of completely molding your life after mine you will order the exact same thing that I do. A number three (double quarter pounder meal) supersized with a coke and a Big Mac for dessert. No fucking joke. I’m on a first name basis (well, more like a first order basis) with four different Mickey Dee’s in town. Contrary to popular belief, McDonald’s is not fattening. It lubes your insides with a protective barrier against essential nutrients that get you fat. The FDA has been way off base for decades at this point. Don’t listen to them. I am your golden (french fried) god.

Step #2 – Pick Up Smoking - When is the only time that I’m not eating the fare provided by Ronald? When I’m chain-smoking cigarettes. One is never enough. Unless you’re lighting that second cigarette with the dying ember from the first, you’re doing it wrong. Smoking has two effects: It’s slimming and it’s sexy as fuck. Ladies fucking love a mouth that tastes like an ashtray. Trust me, I know. I’ve had my ashy tongue tickling many a young girl’s tonsils. Guess what, the FDA has been wrong on this one too. Smoking does not cause cancer. Smoking coats your lungs with an impenetrable mail that is impervious to cancer. That’s a fact. I’d go ahead with a list all the famous smokers, but it would be millions of names. The short list reads like this: Sinatra, Hemingway, Bukowski, James Dean, Dali, King Arthur, Septimus Rex.

Step #3 – Buy Gym Membership, Never Use – You could be like Reginald Blackstone and be addicted to the gym, but when you have the two addictions above, you’ll never have time for it. Fret not. All that matters with a gym membership is that you have one. That little 24 Hour Fitness card is a gateway to feeling good about yourself. Who needs to lift actual weights on the bench press when you can think about lifting weights. The brain is the most powerful of muscles, afterall. Step #3 also goes for running. You don’t have to run, you just have to live close to a track where people usually run. Mind over matter, mofos.

Step #4 – Drink Abundantly and Frequently – Another factor of your new persona will be tending to the bar all the time. Every night is a drinking night. But, don’t go overboard. By that I don’t mean “drink responsibly” there’s no time for that. I mean “don’t bring your fruity drinks in my house and expect to be like me.” There are only three potent potables you’re allowed in the Septimus Rex Guide.

- Beer (Lone Star and Pabst Blue Ribbon are your cheap choices. I also demand Southern Star, Kronenbourg 1664, Real Ale and any Stout that the establishment has on tap.)
- Scotch (We’ll let the whiskey family slide in this case. But, true men drink Scotch. Buy Balvenie, Dalwhinney, Glenmorangie and Oban.) (You also drink your Scotch “neat” no ice, no mixers, no nothing than that great taste)
- Shots (If you buy Red Snappers then you’re off the team. ONLY ACCEPTABLE SHOTS: Irish Car Bombs and straight Jager. Jager bombs, or any other drink with Red Bull, are strictly prohibited.)

Step #5 – Imbibe Coffee Until Your Kidneys Scream in Pain - When you’re not doing one of the above steps, you’re drinking coffee. You drink coffee until your piss is as golden as a McDonald’s french fry and has the unique smell of the Texas Pecan you brewed in the morning before you left for work. Coffee has two effects: It’s sobering and it’s a great excuse for your poor dental hygiene. “No, baby. My teeth aren’t yellow and rotting because of the meth I’ve been smoking. It’s because of all that badass coffee I’ve been drinking lately to be more like Septimus.”  You will drink coffee until your kidneys cry out for you to stop. That is the only time you’re allowed to drink water (or any other libation other than McDonald’s Coca-Cola). This will happen at least once a month. It’s not a sign that anything is wrong, it just means that you’re truly on the path of Septimus-like greatness.

Now, let’s take a look at your Houston sporting news:

TRACY McGRADY – Word on the street is that the New York Knickerbockers are interested in our very own T-Mac. That’s fantastic. Even the NY Times says so. Who ever knew that $23 million would be a salary that you wanted to inherit. God bless the salary cap and the loop holes it presents with expiring contracts. Here’s to highly regulated Capitalism, CHEERS!

ART BRILES – Will the former Cougar head coach be headed back to the panhandle? I don’t know. Pipez sure as fuck hopes he is, but Pipez obsesses over head coaches like fat girls obsess over vagrant cock. So, I have no idea if this story out of some small town TV station has any merit whatsoever. Yes, Waco is a small town. Then again, the Chron is even reporting that an anonymous source claims that Briles is the number one candidate for the job. So, Waco and Houston agree. What say you, Jasper?

TEXANS – Here’s your preview of the game from CBS Sports. Like I said the other day, we need a couple teams to lose and the Texans need to win if there’s any hope of making the playoffs. On the upside, a 9-7 record after fumbling away three games this year isn’t so bad all things considered.

UNIVERSITY of HOUSTON – One hour to kick-off. You may have noticed a lack of opponent essentials. Trust me, it’s not due to our laziness or procrastination around here. That’s the last thing we are, procrastinators. It’s because we have the utmost respect for US Air Force Academy and for all of the armed forces that protect this great nation. There is no swagger or sarcasm in that statement. It’s true. It’s real. But, Go Coogs. Two bowl wins in a row, bring home the trophy (is there a trophy involved?)!

- Septimus Rex

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