NFL: Texans Recap

Yesterday, while partaking in the Texans game on CBS, I came across Shannon Sharpe dressed as Austin Powers. I guess it was the day after Halloween, but come on. Who allows him to wear a red velvet suit on air? Is he George Costanza’s brother from another mother? Get it together CBS.

The Texans put together a solid win yesterday against a weakened Buffalo Bills. They struggled in the first half, kicking two field goals (no kicker problems there) to start the game as the Bills got a score from The Giant Douchebag Who is Waiting to Implode and Destroy the Hopes and Dreams of Buffaloans. Steve Slaton lost a fumble for the 5th time this season (leading the NFL in something! Yay!) and was promptly benched for the remainder of the game by Kubes, and rightly so. Guy needs to learn a lesson from Omar Epps, and carry the fucking ball everywhere he goes, including:

1. Weight room
2. HEB
3. Shoot ‘em up Shell at OST and Wheeler (for some tasty Schlitz’s refreshment)
4. The clubs on friday nights.

It was starting to look like another case of a Houston sports team playing to its opponents level (looking at you, Coogs!). But then, all of a sudden, the Texans decided, wait a tic: we are actually a rather capable football team, and have, on occasion, won some games. Perhaps we should fucking act like it! And lo and behold, the floodgates defensive line opened, and Ryan Moats was able to truck through the line consistently, baggin 3 TDs in the process. It’s just as well he did, since Schaub struggled, throwing 3 picks and no TD’s. Plus, The Monster That is Owen Daniels went down in the 2nd quarter to what turned out to be an ACL. Man, I bet he wished he signed that fat contract the front office offered him a few months ago…

Seriously though, that sucks balls.  Schauby will be without his 2nd favorite target for the rest of the year. Looks like former NEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRDDDDDDDDDD James Casey will get a chance to step up and make some plays. Did you know that Rice girls are ugly? James Casey does.

My own love affair with Cushing continued, as he recorded a sack and a pick. Here’s his stats so far from ESPN.com:

 

Brian Cushing #56 LB

Player Card | Career Stats | Game Log | Scores+Schedule

2009 STATS
TACK	SOLO	FF	INT	SACK
66	36	2	2	1.5

That’s a pretty stellar outing so far that I would put up against any other defensive rookie this year. If there are any that are doing anything, that is. He’s on pace for 132 tackles, 4 INTs and 3 sacks. I will continue to push him for Defensive ROY honors. And by pushing I mean writing it in a blog that 7 people read on a regular basis. So there. ESPN needs to update the picture for the sweet mohawk he’s got going on too.

The Texans take on the Colts this Sunday, who are 7-0 and looking tough to beat. San Fran gave them a hell of a go this week with Frank Gore (FUCK YOU FOR RUINING 7 OF MY FANTASY TEAMS OVER THE LAST 3 YEARS, BY THE WAY) running all over them. But Peyton Manning showed how much of a man he is (see what I did there?) and led them to victory. It will be important to take it to them hard so that we don’t go into the Bye week on a downer after a great start to the season. Plus, we’ve got to start beating a Colts, a Ravens, a (insert playoff team here) if we want to make a legitimate run at the playoffs. Beating Jacksonville twice and the Browns isn’t going to cut it.

- Wanks MacGruber

Image from the interwebs.

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