October 26 Houston Sports FaF Smear

There is a lot going on. But isn’t there always? A lot going on...

You must be the Red Dragon?

This time of the sports year is almost overwhelming in the sheer amount of stuff that is going on. Coogs and Texans play (and win) on consecutive days, nullifying anything else that was possibly going to happen this weekend. Like mowing the lawn or feeding the dog. Baseball playoffs are in full hysteria (the crazy kind, not the funny kind) mode. The UFC just had a fantastic PPV on Sat night, where two of the three untouchables (Machida and Lesnar) now look, well, touchable thanks to top-tier challengers (Shogun and Cain Velasquez). Touch it. Even though Shogun lost to Machida, many folks thought he won, meaning we’ll have a rematch in mid 2010. Velasquez, he of the big “Brown Pride” tat in roman script on his chest, will take on Lesnar around the same time, and he might have a decent shot at killing the real life embodiment of Drago. The only untouchable left is GSP, and at some point someone will be ready to take a real shot at him, meaning we’ll have competition at every level. Socialism: goodz 4 sportz. Back to the sports rotunda: fantasy football is in high swing (meaning I’m ready to bury my team and sell off the assets to Wanks McG), sports betting is firing on all cylinders, and basketball is about to start. Soccer is still going, albeit no one knows where. The very underrated hockey is back. Plus this is top running season for anyone below the mason-dixon line, with half and full marathons a-plenty, and the start of triathlon season is only about 4 months away. So, in summary, there is a lot going on. But there always is, isn’t there? A lot going on. Sitting on your couch with a remote is the equivalent of a lazy susan.

One more thing about the UFC, and I’ll keep it short since no one else cares. We have a friend, one we might call “Mohn Junoz” for lack of a better anagram. Is it an anagram if you only change two letters? Anyway, Mr. Junoz loves him some non-caucasian fighters in the UFC. He becomes a huge fan on anyone who has a tinge of brown. It took me about a year and a half to figure this pattern out because Mr. Junoz is pretty subtle about his reverse racism. But there really hasn’t been a strong latino fighter in the UFC for a while, besides mid-tier guys like Roger Huerta and Frankie Edgar. I guess Diego Sanchez is kind of a big deal, but he always struck me as having more of a New Mexico flavor than, say, an ‘old Mexico’ style. Although he did used to come out to a mariachi band playing his intro music. In any case, Cain Velasquez is 100% vato loco. The “Brown Pride” tat on his chest is the best part. It just struck me that the reason that Goldfish and I haven’t seen Mr. Junoz out and about at UFC PPVs is I haven’t been out in almost a year because of The Random Babyhe is sitting in his room masturbating to the thought of Velasquez taking the belt from Brock Lesnar, the whitest guy in the history of sports. Lesnar is from Minnesota and he lives in the woods. So, in summary, Mr. Junoz has his brown fighters and Goldfish champions the Afro American fighters because he doesn’t want his girlfriend to cut him with a knife. I feel like I should be able to champion a race or ethnicity or indigenous peoples. I did some research and there aren’t a lot of Jewish fighters. Maybe I should champion the Brits or Canadians? I’d be a front-runner if I adopted the Canadians (GSP), but the Brits seem like a good choice – good fighters but not too good yet (upside, baby), a country that is invested in the future of MMA, plus I’ve got one British friend (Wanks MacG) and one time I even went to Wal Mart to buy a UK flag t-shirt to meet him to drink at Richmond Arms. That should make me an honorary Brit. From now on, I’ll apologize for everything and look down my nose at you new world lads across the pond while having my tea and crumpets. Mike Bisping for life!

I'm Mike Bisping from the UK. You must be the USA!

On to your local American Houston sports updates…

TEXANS (American Football): Aren’t we the team that plays inferior football in the first half and then superior football in the second half? Can’t complain about a win – wait, that’s not true at all. Totally can complain about a win. What a strange game. Shaun Hill (he of the Sports Guy’s Reggie Cleveland All Stars) looked like a prime candidate to be on the receiving end of a cumfiesta video, and then Alex Smith came on like gangbusters and threw 3 TDs to Vernon Davis, whom I wisely elected to sit in favor of V. Shankovich in fantasy fooseball. 3 TDs!?!?!?! I remember watching the draft with Wanks and El Rat a few years ago and absolutely falling in love with Vernon Davis due to a fantastic set of Under Armour commercials (below, think “click, clack!”) and a tearful walk to the podium when he was drafted. Now it’s all happening. And I sat him. For a guy with a big schlong.

What the hell happened to the Texans in the second half? Every time Steve Slaton fumbles or almost fumbles, I think “Dom Capers never would have stood for this”, and that isn’t a ringing endorsement for Gary Kubiak. When a player fumbles, you sit him! Or you let him back in the game and he breaks a 30-yard run. The Texans are a strange team. They haven’t put it together, but you don’t want to go against them, either. They are dangerous, and I mean that both in a positive and a negative way. Stay away from them in gambling, and with your heart. They’ll break it.

ROCKETS: Whaaaa? The effed up thing about the internet is you never know what to think about posts. Is it a rumor made up by some yokel (not that there is anything wrong with that), or is there a kernel of truth? Anyway, this rumor is that the Rox might consider trading McGrady for Eddy Curry and Darko. That is the most effed up thing I’ve ever heard or seen on the internet. Aside from midget porn and Rex’s “two guys one watermelon” clip from several months ago. I say no outright. And then I start thinking about it. Despite his inglorious beginning of a career, Darko is a legitimate 10-10-2 (blocks) guy, and we don’t have anyone else on the team that can get above the rim on defense. We’d save a ton of money. Chances are Dizzile Mizzile (Daryl Morey) isn’t going to pay McGrady as much as McGrady thinks he’s worth next offseason. If/when Tracy comes back this season, there is a 65% chance players start deferring to him and it messes up our chemistry. So why not get a viable asset out of it now and save a ton of money, especially since the cap might be so messed up next year?

I just wrote the last paragraph to mess with the 2 clutch fans that read this site. I don’t want Eddy Curry within 100 miles of Houston. Carl Landry could get fat just by osmosis. Curry dropped 40 pounds in the offseason and he still isn’t in good enough shape to play. And Darko is a big white albatross. Plus Tracy has been doing core work in his rehab for the first time in his career, and us bad back ballers gots to stick together. Don’t do it, Dizzile Mizzile. Don’t make internet rumor trades.

You want to trade T-Mac for the guy on the right?

COOGS: Your #15 Houston Cougars! Beat SMU. I didn’t see the game, so read about it here or wait for my main man Wanks MacG to do his recap. Or my 4th main man Pipez. Or for Chad to do a play-by-play in the comments section below. Here is what we (the Randoms) learned on Saturday – don’t take your baby to a tailgate where everyone is drunk and smoking and/or using a hooka (sp?). And where the wind and sun are sure to burn said baby. We made it through an hour before things fell apart, which isn’t bad. But I have to ask – wtf is with the hooka? Back when I was an undergrad, we didn’t talk to girls the old fashioned way – we stood in the corner talking to our pledge brothers and furtively glancing over to see if they had left yet to go to the Sigma Chi party. Now the undergrats are using hookas to pre-empt any chance of talking to girls. Guess Dubya’s doctrine of preemption is alive and well.

OTHER SPORTZ: I don’t do other sportz, but I will do spellchex. That is all you get for today.

Photos from here, here, and here.

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