October 22 Houston Sports FaF Smear (Rockets Preview)

Red Nation? Funny, I thought we were only pinko socialists…

Here is your Halfass 2009-2010 Houston Rockets Season Preview…

Last Year: In 2008-2009, the Rockets shocked the world (not really) by reaching the second round of the playoffs despite no T-Mac and bits and pieces of Yao’s foot.  The Rox then took the Lakers to 7 despite leaning heavily on forces of nature like Chuck Hayes and Von Wafer. Actually, Von’s fohawk was a force. We learned several things about the team: that Luis Scola could be absolutely dominant for a quarter, that Aaron Brooks was very good at dissing TRG at Petsmartgetting into the lane without a game plan once he got there, and that Ron Artest could make the Franchise/Cat Mobley teams look logical with his ball decisions (TWSS).  The team was reminiscent of the 22-win team from several seasons ago: undertalented but overhearted mutts that were very fun to root for. It was the most successful season in a decade, but came with the bittersweet knowledge that Deke, Yao, Adelman’s beard, and most likely McGrady were done in Houston for all intents and purposes.

Since Then: Despite our earnest pleas to draft Zac Effron Ricky Rubio or at least do something interesting so I could live blog about it, the Rockets stayed out of the first round and bought 3 second round players.  They drafted noted headbutter-of-Cooga-foots Chase Budinger, Jermaine Taylor, and some Euro (or at least non-American) whose name I refuse to learn until he joins the team.  I’m still not over Boki Nachbar being a Practice All Star and not blossoming until leaving the Rox. Budinger looks like a contributer (Air Bull 3.0) because of his sweet shot, but Jermaine Taylor looks like the 3rd coming of Dajuan Wagner. That’s not a compliment. As I’ve said before, Jermaine Taylor is looking like Jermaine Jackson. No court awarness, shoots too much, and has an opinion of himself that looks like this:

Is Jermaine Taylor a good player?

• Jermaine Taylor: Yes
• Jermaine Taylor’s Mama: Yes
• Everyone Else: No

See? It’s a statistical study, so you can trust it. I have mixed feelings about Von Wafer – he wanted and got too much money, and his skill set was extremely limited, but on the other hand, he did three things very well. A) Shoot.  B) Dunk.  3) Rock the fohawk.  We then traded Artest for Trevor Ariza, which we’ll get into later. Deke retired, although I couldn’t understand his tearful speech. To compensate for Yao, we picked up David Andersen, who is the #2 David Anderse(o)n in Houston, and Pops Nambla-Bonsu. We also got rid of youtube sensation James “I’m actually black regarldess of my last name” White. There, that’s the offseason.

This Year: The ultimate “who knows?” team. We have borderline allstars in Scola and Brooks, although Brooks is going to drive me up the wall by only averaging 4 assists. You’re a sub 6 foot point guard!?!  We’ve been waiting for Carl Landry to have his breakout season for a while now, and it might happen. Ariza has an intriguing skill set, and I hate to pile on what everyone else has said all summer, but sans Artestis addition by subtraction (of a crazy mofo). Pops looks like the second coming of Sto Swift, but with some defensive presence of mind. Lowry is a gamer. Charles “Chuck” Hayes is apparently our secret weapon. We’ve got a ton of good role players with 2-3 potential breakouts. They’ll play tough d (hopefully), run a bit (but not too much), and play within themselves (or not).  I’m penciling in 40 wins, a decent run at the last playoff spot, and a team that is extremely fun to root for because they are scrappy mutts.  

On to your local Houston Sports Updates…

COOGS: UTEP beat Tulsa last night, which sent Pipez into a frenzy because they need a conference loss. Or at least I think that is what he’s saying – he keeps sending these texts referring to unnatural relations with donkeys. Save some man-juice for the coach, Pipez. On a related note, Wanks MacGreuber tried out for the kicker spot on Tuesday, when the team held open tryouts. Because Wanks is British and all Brits love soccer. Anyway, it didn’t go so well when he got in a fight with the coaching staff over whether the distance of a kick should be measured in yards or metres.*

*I may have made this up.  What I didn’t make up, however, is the Boston Tea Party. Suck on that, Queen Boy.

TEXANS:  Cush-Lash is the AFC Defensive Player of the Week.  Is this a good team 2 breaks away from being 5-1, or a team with only one decent win over a team with a pulse (and Cincy may have been more hot than good, and TWSS)? No one knows, but I’m watching the game this weekend with my pants pulled down.

AEROS: Don’t have a team capitan. They keep rotating the honor like a bunch of socialists. (That’s not actually socialism, which is just a loose amalgamation of concepts whose only common trait is that workers control the means of production. But socialist is the new dirty word for anything we don’t like. It’s like the f-bomb, but you can say it in public. For example, UT is a school full of socialists.) In any case,  the Aeros have a player named Pete Zingoni. Pete is great at rubbing on the ends during line changes. TWSS!  ZINGoni! See what I just did there? No one cares about hocket, but Zingoni is my new favourite player.

DYNAMO: Lost some sort of tournament. But it isn’t an MLS tournament. And I don’t think it is the World Cup. Is it an exhibition? Does it count for anything? Does anyone care? Soccer is so strange.

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