Each week we’ll dig deep to find the best dirt on the next opponent of the Houston Cougars. If you have any suggestions e-mail them to us (firstname.lastname@example.org) and we’ll make sure to include them. Generic shit-talk is completely acceptable if not preferable.
Last year I went to the game in Dallas to watch the Cougars pull off the comeback victory over SMU. This year we have the distinct honor of hosting the Mustangs at Robertson. I call this an “honor” because it isn’t too often (every two years if you do the math) that you get to see the WASPy alumni of Texas’ most pretentious school pee their pants because they have to hang out in the Third Ward for a few hours.
“Mommy… is that one of those ‘negroes’ you told us about?”
“Quiet son, if you don’t make eye contact they won’t even know your here.”
Oh, you think that’s racist? I’ll have a little more on the racist proclivities of our C-USA cousins in just a second.
Something that doesn’t begin to approach matters of race, however is rank (well, I guess that used to kindasorta be an issue of race as well). The Houston Cougars are ranked #17 going into Saturday’s game. SMU will have an upset-state-of-mind when they come to town and the Coogs will need to avoid another UTEP-type abortion. Things should be under control however… Why? Because we’ve still got the Opponent Essentials! That’s why!
1) The Death Penalty is Permanent - The sheer fact that you have attempted to “resurrect” your football program is audacious. Succeeding in just one winning season since the “death penalty” was handed down is karmic gold. Excuse me, you had a season of mediocrity finishing at .500. I didn’t mean to disrespect you like that. Perhaps if you hired a “big name” coach all of your troubles would cease. Oh, you did do that? June Jones? Really?
2) June Jones Divides by Zero - A la CoogFun… June Jones doesn’t do push-ups, he pushes the earth down. June Jones is the only person to ace the Rorshach Test. People hang on his every word, even the prepositions. June Jones is a lover not a fighter… But he’s also a fighter so don’t get any ideas. He once taught a German Shepherd how to bark in Russian. If ever there were a football program that could resist his charm… well, let’s face it… There isn’t. But, June Jones also divides by zero as in the zero conference wins that SMU had last year.
3) Mustangs? More like KKKstangs… AMIRITE? – A picture is worth a thousand words, or so goes the adage. But, a picture with the word “CouGroes” is worth a gazillion. Should we award points for originality in the genre of racism for this one? [appropriated from CoogFun]
Cage the CouGroes? Really, SMU? You’ve really got a flair for the creative over there. You might be racist, but that’s only one part of being a snobby douche. What else have you got? Anything regarding being better than everyone else? Anything about the rules not applying to you… let’s say in regards to the acceptance into an MBA program? Oh, you do?!
4) Jonathon Eakman Does Not Want Your “Cock and Bull Story” – For some of you out there it might be something of a mystery as to why the SMU alum/student is so alarmingly douche-tastic. You know somewhere in your gut that something just ain’t right with the Mustangs you know. Being aware of this phenomenon, I am setting out to help you out. In this link find/replace “Jonathon Eakman” with “Joe SMU.” If you’re an SMU fan and you’re reading this, I advise skipping that previous link as I have prepared you a story about the charity event I attended last night. See? I’m looking out for the little people over here. I made quite the hefty “deposit” in their “coffers”.
5) Cramps. Not Just an Excuse Your Girlfriend Uses - In 2008 the game against SMU was admittedly epic. Well, the comeback that the Cougars made was at least (overcoming a 23-35 deficit in the fourth quarter). But, in all fairness, the Mustangs didn’t go quietly into the night. No, there was a faint whimper and a hailing of training staff to go along with their disappearance. The length of this clip is 1:14 and covers all the highlights. It’s also roughly 274 times shorter than the final UH drive of the game. After every play another Mustang hit the turf in the hopes that the coaches could develop some plan to stop the no-huddle Cougars. June Jones has apparently been able to adapt the “hack a Shaq” strategy into a viable football tactic. He calls it the “cramp a vag” and it’s become all the rage against the Cougars this year.
6) Who Needs Pesky Books Anyway – You don’t want the Bush Library? Send it on down to H-Town. We do things like “read” down here. We try to learn so that one day we might make a living. The only thing that an SMU alum reads is his Daddy’s will to figure out how much money he’ll get. You ungrateful schmucks.
7) Facebook: Where Philosophy Reaches the Masses – I really don’t have a segue for this one. I just think it’s apropos. This is what everyone thinks of you, Dallas.
Off to the Big D. Home of the plastic chest and the leased BMW. I’m going to shave my chest. See yall at the Loon. (where did I put my tanning spray?)
Can anything more really be said? Didn’t think so.
- Septimus Rex
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