Pipez’s Top and Bottom 10

It seems like nowadays everyone has some sort of poll where they rank all best and worst teams. ESPN even has a fan poll for college football where every overweight, tooth-less, jorts-wearing redneck in Louisana can rank their “Bayou Bengals” #1 despite a loss to Florida and a glaring lack of an “offense.” So, in the spirit of fan polls, I bring you Pipez’s Top and Bottom 10 polls, as voted on by me, because your votes don’t matter.

She can sit on top of my pole

Top 10

1. Amber Heard - Sitting on top of my poll (see what I did there?) is Amber Heard. She is hot. She likes to take her shirt off. This leads me to believe she likes lots of sex. Septimus would like to add:

SR: She’s in The Informers. I watched it two nights ago (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1720028/). She basically has her shirt off throughout the film… which is awesome. AND she’s playing the chick in The Rum Diary which is the film adaptation of Hunter S. Thompson’s novel… which is also awesome. She belongs on your awesome list. Awesome.

2.  AJ Dugat – Is now second string according to the latest depth charts. I just want to give everyone fair warning because we are now one step closer to him fulfilling the proclamations he made at the Tech game. Specifically “I’m a mother fucker, and I’m going to bring a national championship to UH.” Uhhh… I’ll just take the latter, please.

3.  Watching YouTube videos on your iPhone while taking a dump. - Better than Drew Magary’s poorly researched list of best catalogs last week. No it’s not dirty, because I haven’t wiped my ass yet when I’m watching them. You still have a problem with it? Then don’t use my iPhone.

On a side note, I have now accomplished taking a dump in every toilet in every bathroom (Men’s rooms only, TRG!) in my new building. It took a while because a few of the bathrooms have been closed due to construction for quite some time. I must say, there is no better feeling than to make eye contact with someone you don’t know while walking out of their home floor restroom knowing you just demolished it.

4.  Hungover Sunday gambling - Thanks to my inability to read while hungover, I accidentally picked Donnie Avery to score the first TD of the St. Louis – Jacksonville game at 9/1 odds, a bet I would have never made normally. Thanks for coming through for me Donnie!

5.  Halloween - Best holiday of the year. First, growing up its awesome. You get rewarded for dressing up and acting like a maniac with lots of sugar. Then you grow up and you get rewarded for dressing up and acting like a maniac with slutty women. Then you have kids, and watch them go through the same cycle, I can only imagine that that is awesome too.

6.  My new gym at 6:00am - Apparently that’s the new cool time for hot chicks to go. Also, there is something sexy about girls who are sweating and look like they just woke up with messy hair. It’s like they all just rolled out of your bed, and you don’t have to worry about them being ugly when you sober up.

7. Jeff Reed - Has another PI. He is the only thing I have ever liked about the Steelers. This should be the standard of how kickers should act, or like the guy from the Replacements. The example of how kickers shouldn’t act? Martin Gramatica.

8. BJs while watching college football - Haven’t experienced this first hand, but anecdotally it sounds amazing. Definitely sounds much better than running your own two minute drill at half time…

9. Tailgate food - Okay, we here at FaF have a secret weapon. Our 6th creative mind at Fourth and Fifty. This person does not contribute to the written content of this site in any way, but makes the best tailgate food known to man. This is a proven fact. The last 3 tailgate cookoff’s UH had, called “the Charcoal Challenge” we have won straight up. We raped the competition taking 3 of 4 categories each time. It’s the kind of food that if paired with football directly (not as a precursor as it stands now) could possibly top #8 on this list, because you would be eating, watching football, and crying from your penis all at the same time.

10. Houston Texans on the road – They are now 2 and 1 on the road. I’m no statistician, but I think that’s the best this team has ever done on the road. AND they played just good enough to win this week, but not be noticed. There was hardly anyone calling in to local sports radio to either bitch about or jerk off to the Texans. Thank god. (Yes oneton the Texans made the top 10, they have to make someone’s.)

Bottom 10

1. Colt McCoy – Most overrated college QB… No need to explain.

2. Notre Dame – Most continually overrated team in college. “HUURRR Notre Dame won this week over a crappy school, lets rank them #15.” No fuck-wads, they still suck. Thank god they lost to USC, no matter how much they tried to cheat. Jesus was too busy helping out Tim Tebow to care.

3. Megan Fox’s mythical club thumbs – supposedly Megan Fox has alien thumbs, I’m not sure how true this is, but there is evidence if you google “Megan Fox thumbs”

4. Donovan McNabb – Fuck you for being on my fantasy team.

5. False fire alarms – After 3 in 2 days, I can no longer take fire alarms seriously at work. If I die in a fire, you know why.

6. Stadium chants at bars – Nothing says amateur sports fan like trying to count the Cougars points after TDs, and yelling “that’s another Cougar first down” at a bar. You make me want to root for my own team to lose so that your bandwagon ass will go the fuck home and not embarrass me as a sports fan.

7. Cougars Run Defense - God forbid we play a team with a running game the rest of the year. I hope we win out, but I don’t know how no one (except UTEP) has figured out that if you run the ball up the middle on our defense every play, we can only stop you 1 out of 3 times, until we put 11 men in the box, in which you rape us with the pass.

8. Cougars Kicking Game – Okay, we need to hire a Spanish speaker to hang around all UH soccer fields offering scholarships to anyone who can make an extra fucking point. UH is the most diverse school in the nation. That means we have a lot of queer soccer loving foreigners (no offense Wanks), who can kick a goddamned ball. Find one! [/racist, xenophobic rant]

9. Rice Owls Football - No explanation needed.

10. aTm Football – Even though everyone has already seen it, I feel the need to rub salt in their 62-14 wounds. I offer you the pride of aTm… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNKTIkWxNQ0

BONUS

Fodder for conversation: If someone offered you 1 million dollars or an orgy with all the Chargers cheerleaders which do you choose? And if the monetary value kept increasing, at what point do you take the money?

Edit: You cannot buy the orgy, or make a porn/write a book about it, oneton.

- Pipez

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