October 14th Houston Sports FaF Smear

Song of the Day – Cobra Starship – “Good Girls Go Bad“

A Puppet on a Trike... Yeah... Whatevs

Let’s get one thing straight. I don’t like horror flicks. They’re not my cup of tea. Never have, never will enjoy seeing the destruction of the human psyche due to overwhelming fear. You might think that this makes me something of a pussy. Nay, good friend. It makes you a demented fuck.

In the last week I’ve been invited to take a couple different ladies to either Saw VI or Paranormal Activity. Being that I don’t want to waste my money on the prospect of being thrilled into peeing my pants, what makes you think that I want to waste an extra $15 just to have you (maybe) jump in my seat or grab on to my arm in a death-like vice grip. I like my arms sans bruises, thankyouverymuch.

Houston sports provide enough horror in my life. Watching the Texans systematically decapitated by Peyton Manning is about all I can take. The bloodlust that inhabits my soul is satisfied by a 600 yard, 7 TD game by Case Keenum. There is no need to see Freddie Kreuger hunt down scantily clad co-eds with a glove of knives.

So, think what you want… Just because I’d rather see Fern Gully 4 rather than The Blair Witch Project don’t mean shit. Give me the choice between Kate Hudson/Ben Affleck RomCom abortion and the 23rd installment of Michael Myers in a bloody hockey mask and I’ll probably choose the former. Save the hockey mask for the bedroom (ladies, I’ll show you my butterfly technique anytime you want).

I might not like scary movies, but at least I don’t write about fucking Glee every thursday like the eunuch, TRG.

(It was a slow sports night, can you tell?)

On to the your Houston sports updates:

ROCKETS – Do you know what Fourth and Fifty has been sorely lacking (besides horror movie analysis, obviously)? We don’t have nearly enough links to Al Jazeera articles. Consider that problem solved… Al Jeezy reports that Yao Ming will be joining the anti-smoking fight in China. China has more smokers than the United States has citizens (350 Million, if you don’t care to read the article)… Wow. Do, they smoke with the smoldering finesse of Septimus Rex? Not likely.

ASTROS – JOSE CRUZ, FIRED!!!!!! And then offered a different gig within the Astros organization. If you read the article it seems a little confusing as to what Cruz is being asked to do. He would be an “administrative coach” who would actually suit up for the home games and sit in the GM’s box. This doesn’t seem weird at all. It’s like asking the guy give up all he’s ever known for over a decade, but to not let go and still wear the costume for half the games of the season. I can’t be mad about this move whatsoever. I’ve been calling for a completely different environment to surround this fledgling team. That still goes for the coaches that have a number hung in the rafters.

UNIVERSITY of HOUSTON – Jacolby Ashworth is done for the season (but you probably already read that). But, I think the diamond in the rough of that article is Texas’ running back plight. Getting the start against Oklahoma will be none other than Fozzy Whittaker. Why doesn’t UH play UT this year? That name was destined for a section in the Opponent Essentials. Fozzy = Awesome.

DYNAMO – Houston hosts the LA Galaxy on Sunday (David Bekham will be here, ladies… EEEEEEEEEE!!!). Robertson has already been sold out of tickets for the “lower bowl.” People are excited about soccer (maybe)!!!

SEBASTIAN VOLLMER – Kevin Kolb has had his time in the limelight here at FaF. How about a little bit of love for the unglorified position of left guard. Actually, that’s not at all true. The left guard is arguably the second most important position on the field. In either case, it’s time to recognize another University of Houston product, Sebastian Vollmer. He stepped in for the Patriots when they played the Denver Broncos on Sunday when the starter went down. The rookie did “well enough to go unnoticed” and impressed Herr Belichick… Wait a second… Did NESN.com just call the University of Houston’s offense “wacky yet effective?” Actually, I can’t complain with that assessment too much (except for the fact that it was way less wacky last year than it was the Briles era).

TEXANS – Mike Brisiel = Donezo

- Septimus Rex

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