Really, Texans? Really?

One is the most suicidal number you'll ever see.

One is certainly the loneliest number that you’ll ever see. The Texans left it out on the University of Phoenix field Sunday. It’s just hanging out at the goalline. Shooting the shit with the endzone paint. Waiting to be picked up. Not gonna happen, little buddy. Because the Texans don’t have a short yardage back. We have the best receiver in the game, a fantastic tight end, an up-and-coming speed-demon for a regular back, an offensive line that has vastly improved over the last season, and a QB that can make plays.

But we don’t have a giant mother-effer who can ram it up a team’s ass and gain a few yards. At least Ron Dayne could fall forward enough to get 1.5 yards.

The Texans play to their usual shite standards for the first half. Arizona walked all over them. The defense couldn’t get any pressure on Kurt Warner, allowing him to find Fitty twice for TD’s.  Texans went into the half down 21-0. The predictable thing to do would be for the Texans to continue to try and run the ball, ineffectively. For some strange reason, the team appeared to change things. We realized that we suck at running the ball, and just passed it a shit load.

And it totally worked! What a glorious revelation! Chris Brown farted and somehow found his way into the endzone. Andre Johnson was his usual manly self, catching 2 TD’s, including one that was pure leg strength as he bulled his way into the endzone. All was right with the world, as we tied the game and had all the momentum. Kurt Warner looked like he knew his wife was going to use the extra-wide appendage that night.

Until Matt Schaub threw a horrendous pass into the arms of Domnique-Ihavetoomanynamestofitonmyjersey, who took it to the house.

But wait! There’s 2:20 left on the clock! Plenty of time right? Especially with our receivers, right?! Wrong.

We managed to march it down to the goaline, at which point the Texans realized that they had better start acting like the Texans and find a way to lose the game, lest they make any of their fans happy. 3 chances, 3 stops by the Arizona defense. Ball Game.

The Texans are so close to being a good team. I think. But then again, the 2 wins we have this year? Came against opponents who are 1-9.

-Wanks MacGruber