Septimus Rex
Johnny 5
Pipez
wanksmacgruber
Josh Being Josh
Moose Knuckle
I want you to be crazy ’cause you’re stupid, baby, when you’re sane.
I haz an owie
Not to beat a dead horse, but Matt Schaub is injury prone. I have to give it to him. He’s trying to get the five games he misses a year out of the way early in 2009. Yeah, go ahead and miss the opener against the Jets. We don’t have to worry about anything with Mark Sanchez jumping around in the pocket and Eugene Wilson ready to lock down the passing game… Oh, wait.
Wilson sufferend a knee injury in the game against the Vikings because Brett Favre is as reckless on the field as he is in with the hearts and minds of Green Bay, Jets, NFL fans. A sincere “fuck you” goes out to Brett Favre for this little bit of dirty work:
“I don’t care, Brett Favre or not, that’s not cool.” Yeah, there’s a quote for you. Understatement of the year and we’re not even in the regular season yet. In a preseason game, really?! Just had to dive for the knees. Cute, Brett. It’s too bad that the Packers Jets Vikings aren’t on the schedule this year because I would be really gunning for Eugene Wilson to put Favre out to pasture with a vicious spear to the ribcage. He’d be doing all of us a favor, trust me.
Listed as “day-to-day” along with Wilson and Schaub is Kevin Walter. Let’s hope for a speedy recovery for all. It wouldn’t be right opening the season with several starters sidelined because of injuries. That’s what Week Four is for. Remember, the Texans current M.O. is “Look like contenders, FAIL, FAIL, EPIC FAIL, scrounge together late season wins to make the record look respectable.” No point in screwing that up now.
On to the rest of your Houston sports updates:
ASTROS – With the Houston Cougars three days (THREE DAYS!!!!) away from their opener against Northwestern is it ok with everyone else if we stop paying attention to the Astros? With a 4-1 loss to the Chicago Cubs last night the ‘Stros are 14.5 games behind the division leading St. Louis Baseball Cardinals. The Lone star (see what I did there?) of the season… actually, eff it. I’m not even going to go there. Let’s just hope that September ends as quickly as possible without any career-ending injuries to any of our stellar team so they can all come back next year and underachieve again.
ROCKETS – Get your “Bon Voyage” banners ready. The Rockets are looking to move Brent Barry since they’ve signed Jermaine Taylor and Chase “Wipe Your Feet and Take Off Your Shoes” Budinger who would affectively (and hopefelly more than effectively) replace Barry. The contenders vying for 6’7″ stand-in-the-corner-and-chuck-up-threes, Barry include non-contenders The Clips, Griz and Thun(der). Happy trails to you, Brett.
UNIVERSITY of HOUSTON – THREE DAYS (not including today)!!! THREE NIGHT SLEEPS!! Praise the almighty. I can’t wait to get the season underway and all this salivating behind us. I don’t want to say I’m tired about hearing all the feel-good stories about the potential of the Cougars in 2009, but I’m getting damned tired of all of them. There are only so many ways to say “the Coogs look scary on offense” without reaching down and fondling Coach Sumlin’s balls to make your point (don’t get any ideas, Pipez). Let’s get this show on the road already. Steve Campbell’s initiation period is over and he’s resorting to stating the obvious. Really, Steve? The Cougars have great potential this year because it’s their second year in the system? Reginald Blackstone could have told me that and he licks his gonads (Reginald Blackstone is also my dog’s name, oddly enough).
USMNT – If you don’t know that initialism then you probably don’t care about the coming paragraph. I advise you to skip forward. The US Men’s National Team (soccer, people) continues it’s quest for World Cup Qualification this weekend against El Salvador. The game gets top billing on ESPN Classic on Saturday at 7PM (CST). This means that key Dynamii will be out for the game against defending champions Columbus Crew for the game at Robertson Stadium on Sunday. See? That wasn’t so painful. All your soccer news condensed into a single nonsensical paragraph.
- Septimus Rex
BONUS – Be still, my beating heart. Yao Ming might be back for the 2009-10 season… That’s all I can say about that without punching through my office door in glee.
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fondling coach sumlins balls?!! LOL…that’s awesome. If we go 14-0 or 13-1 I just don’t know. I just worry with all these feel good stories that I’m going to be dissapointed whenever we only put 75 points on the board. There should be a lot of push ups, back flips, and bell ringing this year; that’s all I know about that.
As for SC…his initiation period isn’t over until he stops patronizing the UH fan base. He will continue to receive initiation hazing from me so long as he is keeps writing negative things about the alums and fans. Making the conspiracy theorists look like they are prevalent and inferring that UH fans are a bunch of whiners and wack jobs is just bush league bull shit.
Yeah, no way am I taking off this here tinfoil hat, no way!
Speaking of high scores and pushups, there was a time when Shasta had to do pushups on a board held up by a group of dapper gentlemen named the Cougar Keepes. This is before someone figured out how much easier it would be to just do the pushups in the end zone.
I was one of the fine gentlemen who dressed in their button down red emblazoned shirt and starched khaki pants and protected Shasta and Sasha from all sorts of ne’er do’ells. The Oregon Duck from several years ago never would have happened under our watch. I shit you not – we would have beaten the crap out of him in RL. That’s real life, foolz. We took out both Tulane mascots, the UNT mascot (who happened to be a girl, which we didn’t know until we knocked her head off), and many others. The only mascot that scared us was the Army’s mascot, because he really could have killed us. We wanted no peace of him.
Anyway, during high scoring games, we’d lift Shasta over our heads on the board to do pushups. The Board was 75 lbs plus Shasta was about 175 plus maybe 30 lbs of gear. Plus there was a sway because being 7 feet up in the air created a leverage effect where the board would want to jerk backward every time Shasta would push up. And it isn’t 35 points = 35 pushups. It was 35 points = 7+14+21+28+35 = 105 pushups. And 35 was a low-scoring game. Plus the D was so bad that we’d have 3 touchdowns in 5 real-time minutes (we score, they score, we score) all the time. I’ve lifted weights for 15 years on and off, and my back has never hurt so bad as the morning after games.
Long story short, you kids don’t know how easy you have it these days.
stop glorifying the “good ol’ days”… it isn’t healthy. You’re ruining the street cred of fourth and fifty sounding like an old cantankerous man instead of the hardened gangsta thug you perpetrate in your profile picture.
Man…how old are you…LOL
He’ll be the guy with the walker at the FaF tailgate.
http://www.geocities.com/lofa_j/Rob.JPG
BH, you can be at the snafgooc tailgate, I’ll be where the womenz iz.
PHALE!
Actually, I was hoping you guys could post a map or something or someone could e-mail me a cell number under my blood oath of confidentiality.
I’ll be the second-oldest guy there wearing a red UH shirt and a white UH cap. That should make it easy for you.
BH, email me at therandomguy@fourthandfifty.com
Thanks, I think we actually hung out with you guys at the Ryce game (we planted a car around 10 am right in the middle of the duck tailgate). Anyone remember a big dude in a red jumpsuit with a santa hat? That was me.
BH, stop trying to put together context clues. We’re nameless, faceless, vanguards of the Houston Sports Culture. I actually had my name legally changed to Septimus Rex during my “Septimus Rex: Professional Blogger” stage. Any man that you might have known before doesn’t exist anymore.
Whatever. When I pulled those growers out of the cooler your holmies went ballistic.
Okay, I’ll stop posting clues. Just leave me a spot on the washers. ;)
Someone shat in the cooler? Who exactly would be offended when you tried to take growlers out of the cooler?
No, they got all excited for the fine american craft ale contained in said growlers.
Have any of these analysts taken into account the long standing Cougar Football tradition of playing down to the level of our opponent and losing games we have absolutley no business losing? Just sayin’…
FaF tailgate? Wear plenty of sunscreen. The sun is alot brighter when you aren’t inside hunched over a computer.
No one cares what you think – you’re a secretary. Stick with your grey skirts and typing 80 words per minute and let us men talk football.
Back in my day, secretaries were supposed to be seen but not heard.
I’m trying to finish up the FaFU… Anybody out there got some good/funny links send them to me at septimusrex@fourthandfifty.com
BH, I might even tell you where we’re tailgating… Don’t listen to TRG, he hasn’t been to a tailgate meeting.
I’ll find you guys.
You sound like that crazy broad from Wedding Crashers:
This tailgate is going to be unimpressive, based on the opponent, so it will be burgers and dogs. I’ll be out there setting up at noon, food will go on around 3pm.
Don’t listen to these worthless fuckers
And it appears that we are back in business! Maybe we should just shut down for the summer next year and then start back up the week that football starts.
Speaking of the BH/Rex love quadrangle, who’d ever thought Rex would be one to GET a cyber stalker? That’s some kind of irony.
Dunno about the quad, although I did live in Sett. I think the first mention of this blog was when pipez posted on murph’s blog.
Unfortunately for me the beer bong won’t come out this year until mid season…I’m playing it cool with the newborn and the baby mama breast feeding. When Southern Miss comes to town it’s on…when 9 am rolls around I am pounding the brew…lol.
Did you guys see that FSN has a weekly show on Cougar Football this Fall? Friday at 1 pm.