September 1st Houston Sports FaF Smear (TRG’s Triumphant Un-Retirement)

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hal-e-llu-juah!

I'm the one on the right. Obviously.

I’ve decided to shock the world by announcing my un-retirement. I should have signed with Scott and Holman, but they would have made me get back in blogging shape before posting to the interwebs. So it is with great happiness that I un-retire with Fourth and Fifty, who let me come straight back into the game. I’ll probably be a bit rusty, but we’ll work through it as a team. I hope to lead the blogosphere in misspellings again this year. Onomatopeia. There’s one. Trajectry. There’s another. Off to a great start.

First of all, when people start talking about my legacy, it’s mine. It’s what I think of it. I know the way I write the blog. I know the way I handled myself as a co-worker, as a leader, as the reincarnation of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints. Yeah, I’ve made mistakes along the way, we all have. But if I had to do it all over again, I would do it the same way. I don’t think anyone has blogged with as much passion and has loved it, and loved his co-workers as much as me. I haven’t always been the best team player but I would like to think that every guy that I have written with would love to have me in the foxhole. I have no idea what is going to happen this year. I didn’t know last year. As I look back, I gaveit everything I could give. That’s what I’ll do this year.

My expectations are high and this blog is a good blog. I didn’t come here to lose. I don’t think any guy in that chat room is here to lose. I think we can be as good as we want to be. From the outside looking in or the inside looking in, this blog is a good blog. They really are and I think the sky is the limit. We all know how hard it is. It’s even hard for the blogs that won an award from the Houston Press last year to stay good on a consistent basis. It’s a small window. Once again, I think this blog can be as good as they want to be.

On to your Houston Sports Updates…

Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre!

In case you hadn’t guessed, both yesterday’s retirement post and today’s unretirement post were actually cut-and-pasted from the Brett Favre transcripts.  I changed a few words but probably need to credit them (here and here) to not get sued. The point was to make fun of Brett Favre since he was coming to H-Town, not to punk Big Hitter and Chad, but quite frankly that was funnier than either post. Sorry, fellas. Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Say his name 3 times in the mirror and he will magically appear (and kill you, with interceptions thrown into double coverage).

TEXANS: Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Here is a little known fact – did you know that there was another team (hint – the Texans) and other players (hint – 40+ of them) that played football last night? That should be a Trivial Pursuit question. Quit showing him on the sidelines looking Quarterbackey, looking at plays and chatting with teammates. Again, the Vikings have the best running back in football, as evidenced by his Techmo Bo run. They have the best backup running back in football – Taylor was  1,200 yard back before the Vikes drafted AD. They have the best defensive line in football. They have the funniest defensive line in football:

They preach abstinence around those parts. Speaking of carnal relations, the Vikes have a tight end who has superior equipment for such things. And on the Texans side, we have an up-and-coming running back who fantasy geeks love, the arguably best wide receiver in football, a quarterback looking to break through the glass ceiling of his fragile body (myth, but widely perpetuated), Super Mario, etc. And yet through all of this, we get Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! I didn’t see the first quarter but he did look pretty good. But for the love of all that is holy, how about diversifying your portfolio, ESPN?

Here is a time-space continuum question: if Brett Favre and Tim Tebow occupy the same space at the same time, does the universe implode? Or just ESPN? And why would we care if ESPN built a studio in LA? They sit behind a desk and show video highlights of games that take place across the country. Why do we care where they are physically located? They could outsource the entire operation to the Philippines and we wouldn’t notice. During a depression/recession, how does this not smack of arrogant largess for them to be touting a multi-million dollar infrastructure change that does not change the customer’s experience at all, but adds significant cost that has to be made up for with even more advertising, especially since ad creep into programming is a huge problem for ESPN already? God I hate ESPN. Read all about it here and here.

About the Texans – I’m a little bit worried. Poor Matt “Stump the” Schwab needs to live in a bubble between games.

ASTROS: Beat the Cubbies 5-3. Roy O. got a win (14 no decisions this season?!?) and Carlos Lee drove in 4 runs and celebrated with 4 ham sammiches after the game.

DISNEY: Not local, per se, but Disney, which owns ESPN, acquired Marvel. The acquisition

highlights Disney`s strategic focus on quality branded content,
technological innovation and international expansion to build long-term
shareholder value.

Goldfish's nightmare has come true.

In other words, Goldfish just died on the inside, but the rest of us can look forward to She-Hulk rides at Disneyworld with summer movie tie-ins and endless cross promos on ESPN. You think Chris Paul is fast going to the basket? Check out the Green Lantern, in theaters this July!

ROCKETS: Tracy McGrady is suing Topps for not paying him for signing cards. Actually, the suit is probably Workman’s Comp from the carpal tunnel McGrady developed while signing the cards. It is hilarious that McGrady would sign 1,000 cards and Derrick Rose would sign 10,000. You might say - the young fella is getting paid less per card and he is in his rookie contract, so he “needs” the money more than McGrady does. Perhaps.

But more likely Derrick Rose’s work ethic is 10x better than McGrady’s. Rose takes 500 jump shots per day. T-Mac takes 50 – in the pool, playing water basketball.  Rose goes through 90 minutes of yoga and pilates. T-Mac does 5 toe-touches. Rose reads War and Peace. McGrady reads one chapter of the last Harry Potter with his one good eye and then takes a nap.

By and by, we are linking to some shady blogs today, huh?

COOGS: The starting lineup, courtesy of Pipez’ foil, Steve Campbell. The defensive line almost had an All-Biblical First Name sweep but then the Rush 43 “end” had to go and mess it up. Unless The Gospel According to Tyrell was one of those Dead Sea scrolls that whitey left off the list at the Second Council of Nicaea.

Not to go TMQ on you by deviating off the sports path for some tangent no one cares about, but did you know that the First Council of Nicaea promulgated 20 new cannons, including the prohibition of self-castration? Holy crap! They had to make church doctrine to stop dudes from cutting their own penii! Who would ever do that? I’d rather roll all the way to Mecca on my belly! I’d rather become a Jainist and stop eating flies! I’d rather (insert quasi-anti-Semitic joke that almost got El Rat expelled from our fraternity in college)!

Photos from here , here, and here.

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