The FaFU: Cats, Kitties, Pussies, et al.

The FaFU is an occassional post that Septimus Rex does when he damn well feels like it. Being that this is a sports website, it needs a little sumpin’sumpin to make sure it remains stilled in reality. Lately that means it focuses on everything but sports. This week is no different. Welcome to the Kitty Cat edition.

10) That Effin’ Picture Above – Wanks MacGruber was out at the Emergency All-Night Vet (or, that’s what he called it anyway. I refer to it as the Asian Spa) when he caught a glimpse of this little piece of literature. Yes, that’s a woman dancing with a cat. Let’s just say that’s not the only kitty cat that got some play that night. While Wanks was getting his “dog’s bloody stool” checked out, he was hitting that shit hard trying to eradicate the world of “feline aids” (or spread them, who knows… he’s a sick fellow).

9) Keyboard Cat – How do you do it, geniuses of the interwebs?  You gave us Keyboard Cat a long time ago and he continues to survive and thrive in the duplicitous environment of cyber-space. One minute they love you. You’re singing Chocolate Rain and the world lays down at your feet. The next, they’re throwing you away for a dramatic chipmunk or a kick to the face(!). But you, Keyboard Cat, will live forever.

8) Soccer Riots – You’re asking yourself “how can soccer show up in the Cat slanted FaFU?” I have an answer: Soccer is the cat of the sports world. There are a lot of people out there that love cats, but they can’t really explain why and we always end up looking at them funny when they try to explain their reasoning. The same goes for soccer. And consider the Soccer Hooligan to be the same as the Cat Lady: the psychotic person down the street that takes their shit way too seriously. So, basically what I’m saying if liking kitty (not the cool kind) was a sport, Cat Ladies everywhere would be looking to stab each other in the chest after kitty matches, like these poor blokes at West Ham in England.

7) LOL cats - May you please go away now. We’re done with you. You’re time here has come to a close. And, I swear, if that weird dude that loves Linux comes up to me one more time when I’m at Cafe Byzantio trying to get my work done to tell me about his latest LOL cat find I’m going to shoot him right in the LOL.

6) Cat Massage – Yes, you read that correctly. Please observe:

5) NFL Owner Cat – You’re the only cat that escapes my seething disdain. I will always love thee and thou monocle. Your smug, whiskered stare at the artist will always be with me when I’m in times of need. That smug mouth-breathing look is all I need. Pay homage to NFL Owner Cat.

4) Rhonda Thomas – Once a Cat Lady, always a Cat Lady. You can’t just decide one day you don’t want to be a Cat Lady anymore (and let me tell you, rat poison definitely won’t do the trick quick enough). Who do you think you are? The Michael Jordan of Cat Ladies? You gonna up and adopt 28 dogs to replace you cats kind of like replacing the bouncing orange ball for bat made of the White Ash tree? It don’t work like that. You’ve been labeled. Oh, you were going to commit suicide after you killed your cats? Carry on…

3) Julie “The Cat” Gaffney – What happened to you? Don’t tell me that childhood crushes die in childhood. Actually, do tell me that. I’ve seen recent pictures of the girls that I used to chase down in grade school so I could pull their hair. I was chasing slump busters at a very early age. But, you, Julie (or should I say Colombe Jacobsen) were the light of my life – meaning the apple of my eye in the Might Ducks series – and you just disappeared. Actually, now that I look it up… maybe it’s better that way.

2) Kitty Shakespeare – Honestly, I have no words for this “article.”

1) Cheshire Cat – As some of you may know, Tim Burton is retooling Alice in Wonderland, starring (who else) Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter. I say just be done with the semantics Tim and Johnny. Declare it a life-partnership and be done with it. Anyway, here’s the picture of the Cheshire Cat from aintitkewl.com. Yeah, that’s not going to freak them out when they’re used to looking at this animation.

- Septimus Rex

BONUS - Cat, I’m a Kitty Cat. And, I dance dance dance and I dance dance dance:

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