August 12th Houston Sports FaF Smear

I found a new way. I found a new way. Come on don’t amuse me. I don’t need your sympathy.

I'm coming for you Schlabach

At the moment, the front page of ESPN has a special little link with the bowl projections. I’ve learned two things reading skimming the list. (1) Texas and Florida are the favorites – no matter what – to make it to the BCS title game which means the real title game will be between OU and LSU (again). (2) Mark Schlabach has made a deal with the devil.

You see, Schlacock (we can write things that sound phonetically similar, right?) has picked the University of Houston Cougars to be selected for the Sheraton Hawaii bowl. He willfully taunting the offensive prowess of The Case Keenum Laser Show directed by Kevin Sumlin. There is no excuse for this.

I will give you two reasons… One, Schlacunt is national media. Which means he didn’t know that the C-USA existed before someone over at ESPN asked him to come up with his list of projected Bowl positions. I heard from a source that he asked an intern “What’s this Armed Forces Bowl all about?” Two, you don’t have “sleeper” picks for Bowl projections that aren’t outside of the 10 best known. It doesn’t happen. You pick one non-BCS conference team and throw them into the top 5 bowls just to shake up everyone’s gambling constitution (ex: “The Utes are definitely going to the BCS title game”), maybe you even mix up a pick or two (ex: “You know what would really fuck with people? Picking Tebow to do anything besides win the Championship”).

Everything else is a wash. What’s common sense is what you pick. You don’t mess with the hearts and minds of those conferences that don’t get all the coverage. You don’t pick East Carlolina (EAST CAROLINA) to go to the Liberty Bowl instead of the Cougars just because you saw them beat two overrated BCS Conference teams at the beginning of the 2008 season.

Bring it, Schlafuckingasshole. Prove me wrong. Bruce Feldman, we’re cool. You’ve avoided the Fourth and Fifty shit-list.

On to the rest of your Houston sports updates:

ASTROS – This is about the time of the year where things start falling apart for the Florida Marlins… Apparently, they had their slide before the All-Star Game and are now on a bit of a tear trying to catch up with the top dog in the NL East. Unfortunately, the Astros are the victim of this hot streak. They lost to the fish-types in the 11th inning yesterday. The Astros couldn’t keep a 5-run lead, and Nunez was guilty of his 4th blown save this season. There’s some more praise about the Marlins and their consecutive 10-hits per game streak or something over here, but, whatever.

ROCKETS – The Rox top pick, Chase Budinger signed a four-year deal with Houston. They got that shit wrapped up. Just like you should, kiddos. You don’t know what they’re hiding in that voodoo vajayjay.

UNIVERSITY of HOUSTON – College football, I love you so much. I can read reviews for the season all day every day. Give me more. Here’s Fox Sports’ preview for the Cougars. Every game’s a shootout! Wooo! This is Texas ya’ll! Guns, beer and chicks that dig guns and beer!

TEXANS – A speedy return for Chris Myers, Texans center? Let’s hope so.

BONUS – UH Cougar, SirVincent Rogers has quit Dolphins training camp. Fan blogs in Miami are up in arms.

- Septimus Rex

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