August 6th Houston Sports FaF Smear

Will Elston Turner be the New T-Wolves Head Coach? You betcha! Maybe.

Mama Yo Son is Ticklin' Ricky Rubio!

If the following is true, everybody better cite Fourth and Fifty, doggys. If it is false, get in line behind the college football kicker awards guy and sue us. This is pure speculation and conjecture, but in the age of Twitter those things are code words for Go Time.

The Timberwolves owner Glen Tractor Taylor says the team is close to selecting their new head coach.  Elston Turner is one of the three finalists, along with Mark “Mamma Yo Son is Applying for a Job He Don’t Deserve” Jackson and Kurt Rambis. In a seemingly unrelated note, Daryl Morey said today on 1560 that he will Tweet soon with some medium-sized news. Lance Zierlein correctly postulated that it is probably a coaching announcement. The only player moves that would make sense for the Rox at this point would be to acquire an All Star, which would be larger than medium news. It would probably be Venti or Grande news. I can never remember Starbucks’ crazy coffee size taxonomy. You’re not better than the rest of us, Starbucks, just more snobby. Give me my damn small dark coffee with nothing in it. I like my coffee like Wanks likes his men.

To get back to the point, I think Elston Turner is about to be named as the next Timberwolves head coach. He’s obviously talked to Adelman and Morey about it, and being good guys they are probably rooting for him but don’t want to break the news prematurely. Either way, we should know soon. I feel good about this prognostication but don’t trust David “Mamma No One Knows Why They Gave Your Son This Job” Kahn any father than I can throw him. If you can get past the “The GM is bat-shit crazy” thing, then go for it. Lay down some money on a future bet. All predictions right or your money back.

UPDATE: They’re calling Kurt Rambis back in for a 3rd interview, which is obviously a misdirection ploy.

Here are your local Houston Sports updates…

ASTROS: Lost 10-6 to the Giants. See, this is why I didn’t get my hopes up. Those of you who jumped on the mediocrity train can feel free to jump on to the bottom-feeding platform and get your luggage from the conductor of suck.

TEXANS: Bringing in good players from 2003 to try to fill the cornerback hole. Deltha O’Neal was badass in Madden 2003, so I’m all for it. By the way, if the Texans website doesn’t get you pumped for football, feel free to get some sample Cialis from your doctor.

ROCKETS: Jermaine Taylor signed. Strengths: scoring. Weaknesses: not getting the ball enough to score. Must Improve: Getting the ball more. Read an interview with the guy – he has a one-track mind, and that track is scoring. With the basketball.

COOGS: Launched pulseofthepride.com, the newest marketing and quasi-social-networking website. One of the sections is called “Spread the Red“, which I can’t even type with a straight face.  The slogan is better than the last marketing slogan, which was “Underrated is the New Overrated“. Before that was a slogan focusing on UH’s student diversity, “We Got Lotz of Indian Poon (Dots Not Feathers)“. And of course the 2002 football slogan “It Can Only Go Up From Here“. My favorite was the 1997 slogan “The One Hot Girl You Just Saw in the Parking Lot is a Commuter Student and Will Transfer Next Semester Anyway“. See, if you are/were a Coog, that is damn funny because all you see are a bunch of 6s and then randomly you’ll see one super hot girl in the parking lot but you won’t have the nerve to talk to her, and then you’ll never see her again. There was an average of 1 hot girl in the parking lot per semester for like 3 straight years. Not “haha” funny. I’ll stop typing now.

DYNAMO: Play today, because it is a lunar eclipse.

Pic from here.

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