August 4th Houston FaF Smear

People are fragile things, you should know by now. You’ll speak when you’re spoken to.

Do you hear that? It's the sound of putting one in my leg.

Plax (not that old school mouthwash stuff) suffered a bit of a setback in his legal situation yesterday. A grand jury indicted him on two counts of weapons possession and one of reckless shooting of one’s self in the leg endangerment. This could end badly for Burress who faces a minimum 3.5 years in the slammer if he’s convicted in the next round.

No worries on my end, however. I figure this means I’ll be able to take him in the 17th round of our Fantasy draft. Plax is my ultimate-nobody’s-gonna-see-it-coming sleeper this year. You can take that shit to the bank! The teller might look at you funny, but you must insist that it is valid tender. A safety deposit box may be in order. Ha, safety… you know, the thing that Plax didn’t have set on his glock.

Seriously though, Plax has been on my fantasy league team for three years running. What the hell am I going to do? Who’s going to explode (ha! another gun reference) for the first couple of games only to run his mouth and fail to live up to expectations the rest of the season? I’m counting on your Predator. You’re my keeper. Don’t disappoint me by not disappointing me (that makes sense, right?).

For the record, nobody else who testified in front of the Grand Jury was indicted of any charges, which I think is bullshit. Burress’ nanny should have been implicated for allowing him to wear sweatpants to a club in the least.
[Story from ESPN]

Now on to your Houston sports updates:

ASTROS – Abel finally gets retribution; Cain falls to the Astros. Mike Hampton managed his first win in the last eight starts he’s made. Geoff Blum and Kaz Matsui (off the foul poll!) homered in the 4-3 win over the San Francisco Giants. After starting out on a tear after the ASG the Astros look to recover from a little bump in the road against the Cards and Cubbies.
[AP]

ROCKETS – Obviously trying to comply with TRG’s Monday request of “please make some news already” the Rockets promptly got fined by the league. The Rox, Cavs and T’Wolves all leaked their season schedules before the league deemed it allowable. A fine and caning is set for next Monday. Stern is said to be removing the stick shoved up his ass to use as the weapon of choice for the corporeal punishment.
[AP]

UNIVERSITY of HOUSTON – Man, I love me some national press. Even the bastion of liberal media (I think I’m stealing that from TRG, but it’s mine now. MINE!!) the New York Times is even dedicating some time to the Cougars. I can’t even find much wrong with the assessment, except the “Low Point” of last season. Sure, the Marshall beating was the lowest point of the season, but saying that the losses to Air Force, Colorado State and Rice were understandable (I’m leaving out OK St.) is not understandable. You get my drift? The Air Force game should never have taken place. The Colorado State game should never have been lost. And Rice should never have existed.
[NYTimes]

DYNAMO – Certainly the MLS statistician team is some of the best in sports. Either that, or their investigative journalism is second to none.

[Round table meeting]

“Wow, there were a lot of goals this past weekend.”

“Yeah, there were. How are we going to explain this to the MLS fans that don’t exist?”

“Oh, I know. We can point out that the high-scoring teams had stars return from International duties.”

“That’s a TERRIFIC idea! But, we’re assuming the general public doesn’t watch MLS games.”

“And I would be wrong with that assumption how?…………”

[Fade to black]

[MLSnet.com]

TEXANS - Actually -  SAGE ROSENFELS - After getting shut out of the Brett Favre sweepstakes and Tevaris Jackson already nursing an injury, all eyes are on Sage. The most recent piece comes from Scout.com who says that “even though the Texans and Vikings run a West Coast Offense, Sage is still learning the system because they’re different*.” Well, no shit. The Vikes don’t have the Scramble-Pump-Fake-into-Helicopter play in the book. Actually, with the X-Games on right now, someone should adopt that as a trick name in the freestyle BMX portion.
[Scout.com]
* = Not an actual quote

- Septimus Rex

[Photo from Subway Chatter]

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