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Clyde Drexler wants to coach in the NBA. Nay, Clide Drexler vows he will be coaching in the NBA. Here is an excerpt of an interview with Not Fourth and Fifty:
“I’m going to coach in the NBA. I don’t know where, but I am. And I’ll be a good one,” Drexler told FanHouse over the weekend. “When I turn 50, that’s what I’ll be doing. The timing will be perfect.”
This is really going to test the “no cussing” pact I made with myself. For a primer on FaF’s feelings about Clyde in general, please refer to the Clyde Drexler is Making Me Dumber post that opened my illustrious career. Please note, the original name of the post was Stupid Shit Clyde Drexler Says, but Rex thought it was too provocative. Those days of innocence seem like so long ago…
Bringing this back to Clyde in the present and Bugs Bunny dressed as a girl bunny: if you want either one of them, you’re a sick bastard. At what point during Clyde’s 19-39 juggernaut of a college coaching career at UH did anyone, including Mamma Drexler, think “you know, this isn’t challenging enough, so Clyde should take his coaching skillz to the NBA”? If Clyde puts on a dress and applies for the Timberwolves’ head coaching position, do you think that will make him more or less attractive? Wrong. It is a trick question. He is still Clyde Drexler.
Tim Floyd, Rick Pitino, Jerry Tarkanian, Lon Kruger, Mike Montgomery and John Calipari think coaching in the NBA is hard. And the difference between those guys and Clyde is that they were, you know, successful in college as coaches. The thing about college sports is that talent wins out most of the time. Coaches just roll the ball out, signed Mack Brown and really any UT coach ever. In the pros you have much less talent disparity and have to deal with prima donnas who have absolutely no incentive to listen.
Clyde might think he can show up for training camp and say “hey guys, I’m Clyde Drexler”, but most of the players on his roster will probably have been 5 years old the last time he was relevant. He might as well be George Mikan for all they care: they grew up on a healthy diet of Allen Iverson and Antoine Walker. And to say nothing of the fact that he is a lazy fraud who has been skating by for years on being Clyde Drexler without putting real work in. Not only is he a terrible TV analyst, he only works home games! What is he, Roger Clemens?
A few things about the Fanhouse article. Let’s tackle them one-by-one: article stuff in italics, mine not.
If the Houston Rockets want to start grooming a successor to Rick Adelman — and a rocky season surely is coming now — they won’t have to look very far. Clyde Drexler already is sitting courtside with a firm goal in mind.
He’s only courtside half of the time, so they’d better look for another half of a coach. Maybe a successful vertically-challenged coach. One of these guys after they retire.
Drexler, still one of the most popular sports figures in Houston, is getting antsy again…
Popular based on what? Restaurants not folding? Oh, snap!
His playing career was a study in persistence, something he will take back into coaching.
Yes, a quality that has carried with him through all his endeavors post-retirement. All of his successful endeavors.
Drexler tried coaching once, but it didn’t go very well. He went directly from playing with the Rockets to coaching the University of Houston, a program then in desperate need of a makeover. He managed only a 19-39 record in two seasons (1999-2001) before returning to private business.
A resume worthy of a Bush 43 cabinet-level position. Put him in charge of FEMA. Drexley, you’re doing a heckuva job! Who wouldn’t want the fate of a billion-dollar NBA franchise in his hands?
If he follows Adelman, the transition would be an easy one. Drexler played for Adelman in Portland when they reached the NBA Finals, and he’s been studying Adelman from a television perspective (he only does home games) since Adelman came to Houston in 2007 to replace Jeff Van Gundy.
This is the most inane drivel I’ve ever read. An easy transition indeed. You know who has 10 thumbs and has been studying Rick Adelman from a television perspective? These guys! Why not make the 5 of us co-coaches? Our qualifications are actually far superior to Drexler’s – we’ve been moderately successful in RL business as well as interwebs blogging, which is two more things than Clyde has done well since 1995.
“The TV has been great. It has kept me involved, in tune with the league. I wanted to be around home until my kids all went off to college. My fourth one leaves in a couple years. When that happens, I’ll start coaching. My work at home will be done, and I’ll be free to do anything I want, and that’s coaching in the NBA.”
The great thing about a country like America is people are free to do anything they want, and by “free”, I mean “entitled to”. I would like to own a sports franchise and whisk around the country on my private jet. I could incrementally jack up concession prices and not open the financial and then complain about losing money based on accounting gimmicks just as well as anyone else this side of Mark Cuban. Does this seem any more far-fetched than Clyde becoming a coach just because he’ll have more free time and he wants to? Most people, oh, what’s the word? Most people “work” for it. You think Clyde would start as a video assistant? Me neither.
Clyde Drexler is the most delusional, egocentric, infantile, lazy person that Houston just can’t get rid of. I do hope he gets a job with some Western Conference team. It will mean we don’t have to listen to his inanity during Rockets games, and anything that weakens the Western Conference would be a godsend. Let that be his legacy. Motherfucker. Sorry, I’m still pissed about the 2 UH seasons. Almost made it.
On to your local Houston sports updates…
ASTROS: Lost 8-3 to the Mets. Brian Moehelr wasn’t happy about his performance: “I did nothing right,” Moehler said. “I was up in the zone, couldn’t field my position [and was] behind in the count. Absolutely nothing was working and I didn’t have it. I didn’t pitch smart, and it just was a poor effort.” Ouch. I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend.
TEXANS: One can buy mini-packages by uniform color, which is pretty sweet. Here is an interview of 10 questions with Dan Orlovsky. I only have one question. Mr. Orlovsky, would you be opposed to wearing one of those electronic dog collars that would shock you if you got too close to the back of the end zone?
ROCKETS: The Power Dancer selections are in, and the winner is…us.
Let's be honest - you're not reading this text. I could be saying something very funny or profound here, and you'd never know.
USA SOCCER: Got run-ruled 5-0 by Mexico. Taking silver isn’t bad, but shouldn’t the new taxonomy be Platnum, Gold, and Silver? Or how about this: Adamantium, Bloodless Diamond, Platnum, Blood Diamond, Rhodium, Gold, Iridium.
COOGS: The football team is favored to win C-USA, and not just in my NCAA ’10 franchise. Speaking of soccer, if you want to try out for the UH Women’s Team, get in line behind Pipez. And read this.
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I think the one on the right wants to eat my children
don’t you mean potential children?
I’m not even sure I’d let her near my potential children. Those chompers look sharp.
The best thing about being a guy is picking out arbitrary flaws of girls that are much hotter than any of us. It is a strange form of entitlement.
How would you like it if girls sarcastically “broke down” a picture of you? They’d make fun of you smoking Parlaments, Pipez’ seasonal sweaters, Wanks’ British-ness, my hunched back, and 2CRB’s… no, they’d probably think 2CRB is fine, what with his boyish looks and his muscularity. Darn you, 2CRB.
I gave fair warning last week that Houston sports fans were lacking humility and that God would smite them. And He has. Losing two of three at home to the Mets? Dynamo losing 1-0 at home to the Revolution? US Men’s soccer getting thumped by Mexico? Nay, the Lord saw the Bayou City as a metropolis of Gomorrah-esque standards, and unleashed his fury. We should repent and force Uncle Drayton to engage in a firesale before its too late!
On a side note, whatever the Cubs don’t kick out of us, the Cardinals (note the religious reference) surely will. In a week’s time we shall be the meek, but I fear we shan’t inherit the earth.
“My fourth one leaves in a couple years. When that happens, I’ll start coaching. My work at home will be done, ”
Clyde as Mr. Mom.