ESPN is Even Meaner, Girls

First stop: Chitown. Next stop: Main Street, America.

You might remember a little post we did about how ESPN used to be the cool upstart sports station, and in the process of growing exponentially got arrogant and now has the largesse and attitude of a state welfare office. We compared ESPN to Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls. If you don’t remember the epic teen movie, you’re a liar you probably own it it was about a girl who went from cute to cruel as she climbed, fell, and semi re-climbed the social ladder at a high school. It also involved four hot girls who were borderline too young to get riled up about and not feel guilty – except for Lohan, they were all 20 in real life playing 16 in the movie. And this was Lohan in her prime before she lost a bunch of weight (including her best assets), and started dating and getting her heart broken by lesbo DJs. In any case, Mean Girls featured an intervention punctuated by a trust fall where everyone admitted that they dished out the meanness as well as received it – they were all perpetrators as well as victims. 

In the original ESPN post, we hoped for some sort of a network trust-fall intervention that would bring ESPN back to its senses and original sensibilities.  (And by “we”, I am referring to myself by terms both royal and plural. And yes, I just made a Jane Austin reference for the ladies out there – all one of you.)

Much like Lindsay Lohan at the trust fall, ESPN had a moment of clarity and self-reflection, but decided they’d rather make more money than the GDP of South Africa and continue on their path to damnation. The ethical folks in the ESPN/Disney boardroom kept quiet and didn’t raise their hands to admit that they were being a slut. And now they’re going Wal-Mart on small town America (LA, Dallas, Chicago) by launching ESPNWePwnYourCitySucka.com.

As the New York Times (gobbler of smaller media itself) reports, ESPN piloted ESPN Chicago, which quickly outdrew the Chicago Tribune in pageviews. The idea is to use their overwhelming size and resources to outmuscle local portals for sports information. They dominate TV and are a player in radio, and espn.com is a daily staple for all red-blooded Americans. Next is an ESPN portal that focuses exclusively on local sports.  LA and Dallas are the first markets (along with keeping their choke-hold on Chicago), and they promise that this is only their “first inning”. If taken literally, this means that they’ll destroy all online sports venues in 27 cities (that is 9 innings x 3 cities per inning for you folks that “don’t mathz” out there). Houston will probably be the 3rd or 4th inning, otherwise known as “Carlos Lee’s nacho break”.

So what does this mean for the little guys out there? The local guys who work hard every day (except Sundays and hangover days) to bring you coverage of your teams with the care, exhilaration, frustration, and satire that can only be cultivated with love by hometown homers? Are we going to get bought out for schfifty-five dollars, or just run out of business altogether? Wanks reports that we owe venture capitalists somewhere in the neighborhood of $25,000,000. How are we ever going to make that back without a ponzi scheme pageviews that lead to advertising dollars? I want my free sample Valium Claritin that are tossed in to marketing deals like Pez candy. Instead, ESPN is going to run us out of business just like Wal Mart did to all of the mom & pop stores. Wall Street has destroyed Main Street. The only place you can find Main Street anymore is in Wasilla, Alaska. [Ed. note - But you can find Mayne St. at ESPN.com.]

Instead of complaining, we need to focus on our competitive advantages. There is no one in the business that can curse randomly and then NARC a brotha out like Wanks MacGreuber. ESPN can’t possibly continually expose the Houston faithful to new emo bands lyrics as a precursor to local sports updates like Septimus Rex. Reginald Blackstone breaks down bball in pop culture terms better than anyone in the tri-state area. Pipez’s rabble-rousing can’t be imitated. It also can’t be stopped – it can only hope to be contained. Moose Knuckle is a damn clairvoyant when it comes to golf. And no one – AND THE RANDOM GUY MEANS NO ONE – can creep you out while secretly entertaining you like I can.

Bring it on ESPN. We’ve taken down 1560, The Houston Press, that crazy ex-kicker who started his own college football awards, Al Quaeda, video games, and the city of Portland. We’ve got H-Town on our back and we’ll wear your ass out all day long (no homo). Bring it on.

Sincerely,

The Houston Sports Community

Pics from here and here.