July 13th Houston Sports FaF Smear (UFC 100)

He’s an asshole…

A very, very big asshole.

UFC 100 came and went and if Goldfish’s comments section review wasn’t enough to satiate your hunger for all things Ultimate Fighting, feast on.

Yoshihiro Akiyama won split over Alan Belcher. They Superman’d that ho (each other) a few times. Akiyama is kind of a big deal but a rookie in the UFC, so we’ll see where he goes. I’m looking forward to making Engrish jokes down the line.

Dan Henderson knocked Michael Bisping the eff out. Here is a video of what Dana White says to the Brit afterward. You might remember that Hendo and Mike were the coaches on the most recent season of the Ultimate Fighter and someone was supposed to be giving you week-by-week updates. And then the Americans lost almost all of the fights and someone didn’t want to talk about it anymore. It is amazing that the Lesnar-Mir fight usurped so much buzz that no one was talking about Jon Fitch and no one mentioned that the Hendo-Mike fight was going to settle the issue of the Revolutionary War once and for all. The upside to the fight was a tremendous knockout with an extra shot afterward to “shut him up”. (That was one of the few videos left up on youtube – if it isn’t tomorrow, sorry.) Don’t run your mouth, Great Britain. The only thing you have left is Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day. The downside is Wanks lost our bet and has to leave America forever. USA! USA!

Jon Fitch beat Paulo Thiago.  Fitch is one of the best young fighters in the sport, it just happens that he is in the same weight class as GSP, his only loss that I can remember. He also happens to look eerily like Jon Malkovich.

Georges St. Pierre outclassed Thiago Alves. GSP may very well be the best fighter in the world. Gracious in victory afterward, he told Alves to use the loss the same way he used the Matt Hughes loss – to improve his few weak spots. Great point. A world-class striker only needs one other exemplary skill – takedown defense – to reign supreme. Chuck Lidell put the sport on his back with only two tools in his proverbial toolbelt – great striking and takedown defense. GSP took down Alves at will, so if Alves improves in this area he could break through.

Brock Lesnar beat the snot out of Frank Mir and then made an ass out of himself. Let me just say that I don’t really mind his antics, but I hate his fighting. It’s the precise opposite of how most people feel. His fights are both dominant and boring – he sits on his opponents and gives them painful nuggies. But the fight isn’t the important part. This just happened:

Two thoughts. First of all, WHOOOOOO!!!! Second, and more important, he was going to get on top of Mrs. Lesnar? With all that wrath and mirth and vitriol? That would be the worst angry sex ever. How scared would you be if you were Mrs. Lesnar? Remember Sable? Here is a pic (NSFW). I mean I know she used to be a badass WWE champion in her own right and can probably hold her own against most normal men, but I am very  worried about her hips snapping in two like a wishbone. You remember the scene in Mallrats where they talk about having sex with Superman without a Kryptonite condom? Here is a primer. Same thing. I am super duper worried about Sable Lesnar’s ability to walk up stairs after late Saturday night. Brock Lesnar just went to the top of the list of people I don’t want to rape me if I end up in prison.

On the fighting front, until they can set up a Fedor-Lesnar match (not guaranteed by any stretch of the imagination), it’s game over. The UFC actually has an interesting and potentially dangerous conundrum: their top 3 fighters (GSP, Anderson Silva, Brock Lesnar) have run through every real contender I can think of in their respective divisions. They are already gimmicking it up with moving Silva and others up and down and also talk of catchweight superfights. If the sport has to go carnie to stay interesting, I’d like to see Lesnar fight 3 guys back-to-back-to-back. Or maybe go Van Damme on they ass.

Last MMA thought: we have some pretty interesting side shows (as in “the fighting isn’t the important part”) coming up. First on Aug 15 is Carano-Cyborg. We are going to be all over that. Then in September The Ultimate Fighter 10 launches, with Rampage AND Kimbo Slice. Oh hells yes.

Here are your local Houston sports updates…

ASTROS: Blanked the Natty Lites 5-0. Brian Moehler went 6 and 1/3 scoreless and worked his way out of several jams. Matsui fissured (get it?) the ball over the fence for a 3-run homer. Jose Valverde got his 150th career save. Most importantly, the Astros go into the break at .500, reaching the magical goal of mediocrity.

ROCKETS: Beat the T-Wolves 79-65 in the summer league. I know we’re not supposed to divine anything from summer league stats (remember Donte Green?), but seeing Joey Dorsey get 16 boards and 4 blocks is a great sign.

TEXANS: Frank Okam video. He looks like an enormous Omar Epps. Also, one of the cheerleaders is named Candy. I’m not sure if that is her Christian name, but one can only hope this leads to having a squad full of stripper/porn star names.

DYNAMO: Lost 2-1 to the Seattle Sounders FC. Half the team is playing in the Royal Rumble Gold Cup, but these games still count. Soccer is a strange sport.

Picture from here.

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