July 10th Houston Sports FaF Smear

And we watched plumes paint the sky gray, and she laughed and danced through the field of graves.

I don't care...

The above picture is a handy cropping of the current headlines on ESPN.com.  You can’t actually click on it and send you to the story of your choice.  But, I have a feeling that’s lucky for you since all of those “stories” are a complete and utter waste of your time.  Trust me… I clicked on them.

There’s nothing like waking up in the morning hungover from an impromptu Tour de Houston (drinking, not cycling) and realizing there is absolutely nothing to write about.  I don’t live by the “no news is good news” axiom.  I think that’s a cop out for people that don’t know how to open a web browser.  How is Fourth and Fifty supposed to make it to 2010 with no stories.

What?  What am I going to write about?  The untimely, Steve McNair tradgedy?  (No thank you, I’d rather not jump onto the CSI Bandwagon.)  Dwayne Wade and Rick Reily Pat Riley?  (One of those dudes can’t decide if he’s going to be relevant to the NBA from season to season.  The other hasn’t been relevant since he left the Knicks [dat's da truth].)  Carlos Boozer?  (I only cover cavemen when I moonlight as an archaeologist.)

Michael Phelps should go in hiding until the 2012 Games.  Lance Armstrong just needs to buy the rights to the Tour de France and name it the Livestrong Memorial Tour.  We get it, he’s good at cycling.  Whether he’s taken a couple years off to recover from cancer or to bang one of the Olsen twins.  Lincecum sounds way too fetish-y for me to pay attention to (when anyone is looking).  Blah, blah, blah… You get the point.

So, I’m a little sorry that I don’t care this morning.  Last night I had big aspirations, but today I don’t have the follow through.  Basically, I’ve turned myself into Johnny Midtown, doucherific, Blazer Mafia, 30k Millionaire.  I’m all talk, no type.

On to your Houston sports updates: [If you missed it yesterday, TWITTER!!!! Follow us!!  We can be funny in 140 characters or less!]

TEXANS – See, if I just buckled down and decided to write about nothing but I made a true commitment to it I could have written my 600 word thesis about how the Texans are coming of age.  But, honestly, who gives a shit?  Three people at most are going to click that link.  Two of those are going to close their browser after reading two, single-sentence paragraphs to lead it off.

ROCKETS – Someone stop Yao right now.  If he isn’t willing to spend every last dime he has purchasing a new adamantium skeleton then he doesn’t have the commitment to be on this team…. You know, like T-Mac and Ron-Ron… They’ll stick with Houston through thick and thin.  No, Yao has decide he’s going to ante up to buy a Chinese baskeball club.  That’s not the financial commitment I need to see him make.

UNIVERSITY of HOUSTON – Look, I’m almost ok with the knob-slobbering of the Texans by the media-types, but YOU LEAVE MY COUGARS ALONE!  It’s not ok to jinx them before the season starts.  Sure, the University of Houston is at least ranked in the top 35 by Rivals.com (take that C-USA) and we all have high hopes for the coming season, just don’t start making those high hopes public.  When UH shocks the world by beating Texas Tech, let it be a shock.

ASTROS – Lost part of a game and then won a full game.  To make a TRG-like bad 90′s rap reference, “I love it when you call me Big Miggy” made an error in the partial game to cost the Astros the win.  In the other game the bats came alive in the 6th inning for a 9-4 mark in the W column.  .500, here we come!

- Septimus Rex