Septimus Rex
Johnny 5
Pipez
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Josh Being Josh
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What were we thinking?
Our backup plan pwns the one that got away.
This NBA draft/free agent period is hysterical. Not “ha ha” funny hysterical. Crazy PMS hysterical. I’ve been trying to think of what it reminds me of, and it just dawned on me: the NBA is acting like people at a bar at 2 am that is about to close. Some guys cut their losses and go home to sleep it off (the Nets). Others go home with their girl after a fun night of dancing (Mavs w/ Jason Kidd). Another category of guys go to House of Pies and plot the next night (Knicks?). And still others lunge lustfully and wildly at anything with more than one leg and less than one testicle (Pistons). Of course, at 2 in the morning, you’re getting the dregs.
I worried that the Rockets were going to fall into the last category after Yao’s most recent prognosis. Desparate for someone to man the center spot, we were going to overpay for Marcin Gortat, a backup white bald Euro center with wristbands. Wristbands! 4 points per game! Did Rockets Fans Really Love Gortat? In Morey we trust, certainly, but WRISTBANDS! For a few days the entire city of Houston was infatuated with a piece of euro-trash, because it was 2 in the morning and our date (Yao) was sidelined indefinitely from Aunt Flo. (See, that is funny because his foot isn’t healing apparently because of a lack of blood flow.) So we start looking around and see someone who looks kind of cute and trashy, and say “what the hell?”. What the hell? Gortat would have given us an STD for sure! We would have woken up the next morning with a hangover and a terrible sense of regret. Luckily our designated driver Daryl Morey was there to steer us clear. He’d let us get to second base with Gortat, but there wasn’t value in going all the way.
Also, at what point did you look at Artest last year and think “if we don’t re-sign that guy, our next season is going down the drain.” Or did you think “I really hope he misses this terrible shot so he stops shooting contested fading 20 footers”? He is like the girl at the bar trying to get as many shots down as possible before it closed up, even though everyone stopped drinking 30 minutes ago. Sure, you might have fun, but she might puke on the way home and demand some effing french toast. And Artest pledged his love to Kobe in the shower two years ago. And he picked his new number based on how many weeks Thriller was #1 on the charts.
Long story short, nothing good happens when you’re trying to play read-and-react offense at 2 in the morning. We still have our pants, no communicable diseases, and the MLE since Yao’s injury exception got us Ariza.
On to your local Houston Sports Updates…
ASTROS: Beat the Pirates 5-0. It really is feast or famine with this team. Wandy pitched a complete game (I thought those went extinct after 1988), and probably distracted the Pirates with his mole. Wandy’s ERA is now under 3, which is fantastic. Tejada got Miggy With It and raised his average to .330 and even had an assist.
TEXANS: Here is another prognosticator jinxing us by saying how much better we’ll be. Come on Bruce, you’re better than that. I wish people would stop doing this – just don’t say anything. Every year we’re a sleeper, we end up, well, sleeping. Battle Red Blog wonders about Dunta’s market value. It’s an interesting question because he’s coming back from injury and feels slighted because we only offered him $23 million, which is $22.5 million more than the combined net worth of every person who has ever read this blog.
DYNAMO: This Open Cup thing is just strange. Maybe Wanks can write a expose on it. 8 teams, 1 cup?
ROCKETS: Still STD-free. The Matrix went to the Mavs in a 4-team deal. You know what Shawn Marion shares with the Matrix aside from the nickname? Both broke on to the scene like gangbusters but neither has been relevant in 7-8 years. The Mavs are going to make a strong challenge to the Jazz and the Spurs for most hated team.
COOGS: Sasha Schwendenwein finished 22nd in a few events in the World Student Games. She also finished first in the Last Name Spell Check Games. Go Coogs!
Picture from here.
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The Rockets posted some good pics of Ariza’s press conference yesterday on Twitter. I know because I follow them. Ariza, however, is sad to leave LA though, according to his twitter. http://www.twitter.com/THEPipez
Also, The Spurs quietly signed Antonio McDyess yesterday to help the Duncan, DeJuan Blair big man combo.
Dunta isn’t mad about the money, he’s mad about the length of the deal (franchise tag = 1 year) because if he’s injured again, he wants to be paid to sit on the bench in a cast for a lot longer.
Pipez really likes to write the Smear After the Smear in the comments.
Sasha Schadenfreude used to party with us. We’re friends on facebook. PWNAGE!!1!!11
Schadenfreude. I swear I’ve heard that word before…
Thank you Google:
schadenfreude: Malicious enjoyment derived from observing someone else’s misfortune.
Sounds like fun to party with.
Looks like I taught you something today… You’re welcome.
It’s like BTB every day on FaF – that’s an “initialism” followed by an “acronym.”
First you were but the learner.