Septimus Rex
Johnny 5
Pipez
wanksmacgruber
Josh Being Josh
Moose Knuckle
See? Anyone can coach the Texans!
We at Fourth and Fifty have learned of an exciting opportunity for all Texans fans. Unfortunately, it’s not the chance to put on pads pretend that playing Madden for 7 hours a day in college somehow qualified you as a semi-pro football player, thereby requiring you to wear wide receiver gloves while playing intramural flag football. No, it’s just the chance to have your turn at coaching the Texans and running a practice.
The Texans are opening certain practice sessions in late July and early August to the public. Being the astute “journalist” that I am, I have taken this to mean I can show up and run practice. Kubiak has been hard at work for the last 3 seasons, and could use a short break before the season gets underway.
Going to these practices gives us regular fans a chance to see our titanic heroes in person, hard at work, running drills like this:
The Random Guy just sprouted wood watching that, and likely had to go and violently masturbate to thought of running the Oklahoma Drill against Brian Cushing in the bathroom at his office. How’s the for a mental image to start off your work week?
We will also be able to shout various encouraging, motivational and disheartening phrases. Here’s some suggestions as you attempt to brave the 127°F heat and 300% humidity:
- Mario! Don’t you need your giant red straw to get to the quarterback?
- Stop eating all the fucking doughnuts Amobi!!
- Schaub, no more pot smoking, its time to focus. What? That’s just how you look? Well that sucks for you. You should talk with this guy who has a similar problem.
- Dunta, if you don’t start swiveling your hips more on passing plays, I’m going to come to your house, tie you up and…..oh, shit. Too soon?
Have you ever seen these guys in the same room together? I didn't think so....
- Travis, just admit that you’re actually Suge Knight, and we’ll stop threatening to cut you.
So get your coach shorts on, and make sure you bring your clipboard and whistle. The Texans need the diverse and knowledgeable fan base of FAF to get out there and start showing these guys how to play some fucking football!
- Wanks MacGruber
[Image from here]
2 Comments
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I’m actually going to put my head through a car window.
Also – here is Frank Okam’s problem. Instead of watching the game on the sideline, he hides a copy of The Spake Zarathusrta inside of his playbook, just like Mox from Varsity Blues. Although I think Mox might have been reading Cat’s Cradle or some other Vonnegut.
That is a fine image to start my work week; now I remember why I come read this even though I’ve no interest in sport.
And considering as my workweek entails managing the building where TRG works, Goldfish hopes TRG cleans his own TRS, because Goldfish’s janitorial staff isn’t going near that.
PS – No eating in your office.
PPS – That clip from “The Program” always makes me want to try a cycle of steroids. Such good propaganda.