Santa Kenny Mayne

The Power of Grayskull, Foolz

ESPN is running a promotion for something called “Fan Feast“, where fans cannibalize each other for a spot on Sports Center’s Top 10 submit their sports dream and 2 lucky SOBs get picked. There is some sort of special with The World’s Best Tango-er Kenny Mayne and Mike Greenberg, the effeminate of the two Mikes. The chances of being selected are probably worse than winning the lottery, but better than a local  sports blog turning a profit, so you know we’re down.

I actually submitted a fan fantasy “essay” with my RL name last night. I’m sorry to break the news – my real name isn’t Theodore Random Guy. BTW, there is no Easter Bunny. Further, your conception was a mistake, not the plan of two loving parents. When push comes to shove, you weren’t conceived in love. Last, remember when Heather Smith told you in the 11th grade that “it happens all the time”? It doesn’t. Now that I’ve destroyed your entire world, let’s continue.

My hope is that a bunch of d-bags submit with the same contrived “I want to go to Fenway/Wrigley” crap and that a kindred spirit like Kenny Mayne looks at the essay I submit and the one I probably will sumbit on behalf of the rest of the crew and says “I see something of myself in these chaps”. Come on, Kenny! We all in this together, baby. Fourth and Fifty is the spiritual successor to Mayne Street: we have dry wit, sarcasm, offbeat humor, self-aggrandizement disguised as self-deprecation, and no dance moves. Play Santa Clause and fulfill Wanks’ sexual our sports fantasies.

Here are our sports fantasies. Two versions: what each person would say their sports fantasy is, and then what they really want.

Septimus Rex

Stated Sports Fantasy: Recreate Bob Wood’s 1985 Dodger Dogs to Fenway Franks trip. Rex’d want to visit all of the sports parks and then write a book chronicling semi-interesting anecdotes and ranking the parks based on some contrived and arbitrary system.

Actual Sports Fantasy: Recreate the Sex Pistols’ 1978 US Tour without dying from shortly thereafter. I’m not sure what that has to do with sports, but if you know Rex (and the two of you reading this do), you’re nodding your head.

Interested? Bored at work? Read more…

Wanks MacGreuber

Stated Sports Fantasy: Watch Liverpool beat the snotty piss out of Man U at the Beefeater Warm Beer Bad Teeth Constant Unnecessary Apology-as-a-Verbal Tic Stadium.

Actual Sports Fantasy: Get a green card. Just kidding. Not really. Wanks would love to run the University of Houston Athletic Department Marketing Division for one full football season. Possible slogans for the upcoming football season:

Got Coogs? In your mouth?

Fuck you, Rice, you Motherfuckers. There, I said it. No need to mess around with anagrams like Ruck Fice anymore.

Rice Girls Are Ugly, but they all look the same when you turn the lights out.

Our graduation rate is 23%! Take that, Texas Southern and Grambling!

Reginald Blackstone

Stated Sports Fantasy: Try every workout program sold on TV and do reviews based on criteria like “am I big enough after 4 days”? If the answer is no, the program sucks. On a related note, he is not sticking to the strict principles of p90x.

Real Sports Fantasy: Being the classy guy he is, Reg would love to be a one-man task force to look at the rule books for all major sports and re-write them to take out ambiguity and rules that don’t make sense. NBA officials want clarification on the traveling rule? No problem, 2CRB (Too Classy Reginald Blackstone) is your man. Don’t like the tuck rule? Leave it to the guy who looks like a mid-1970s Eastwood. To the sports that don’t have replay? Brace yourself, because change is a-comin’, and hell is comin’ with it! I’m just kidding – he is too classy to ever shoot someone. Last but not least, we will finally have a playoff system in college football. No more fat southern guys sit in room drinking brandy and deciding the national champs. Let them play!

Pipez

Stated Sports Fantasy: Strong safety for UH’s football team in the C-USA championship game (a man can dream small, can’t he?).

Real Sports Fantasy: Male cheerleader for Ohio State. If there is one thing Pipez loves more than sports it is seasonal sweaters. No one rocks sweaters like Ohio state. So Pipez could cheer on an overrated mostly-caucasian team (a joke from the draft blog last week) AND wear Jim Tressel’s sweaters after the game. A match made in heaven.

  THE Random Guy

 Stated Sports Fantasy: A week of MMA training with a legend like Randy Couture or maybe a Greg Jackson, if you will. This is actually what I submitted to ESPN. Think about it – a regular, some might say random, guy trying to keep up with the most brutal training in the world. If I died, a real possibility, it would make for TV gold. If I didn’t, there would be enough sarcasm and unintentional comedy to make the segment a winner. No one loses, except for The Random Baby Momma, which means everyone loses.

Real Sports Fantasy: The above and also reviewing all the major video sports games for ESPN. I know they’ve got an entire department for this, but what they don’t have is someone who is completely unqualified and unprofessional. In this brave new world, we the people hate over-produced segments, and so my unique ability to be both snooty/condescending and low-brow would take ESPN to the next level. Or circle, if you will.

Moose Knuckle (no picture, profile, or body of work of which to speak)

Stated Sports Fantasy: To blog for a Houston Satire Sports Blog.

Acutal Sports Fantasy: To not blog for a Houston Satirical Sports Blog. Oh, snap! Truth hurts, doesn’t it?

Pics from here, here, here, here, here, and here.

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