June 29 Houston Sports FaF Smear (USA Pwn World)

The one where we’re almost better than every country at everything that counts…

Following the FaF trend of increasing readership by 28% through posting patriotic images.

It was almost the most significant US soccer victory in the history of history. It wasn’t to be, but the nailbiting 3-2 loss to Brazil signifies that we have caught up to the world in the only sport we were not great in we didn’t care about. Sorry, world, we pwn. Even when we lose. Brazil, you have the upper hand in soccer but only for the minute. 6 minutes, to be precise. Your reign is nigh. At least you still have jiu jitsu. Oh wait, nevermind. I’m sure someone who cares about soccer will give you a more savory morsel later, but I am not that man.

Having caught up in soccer and the martial arts, there is really nothing in the world that we’re not the best at. USA! USA! Except for math and science and literacy and stuff:

1	Cuba
1	Estonia
1	Poland
4	Barbados
4	Latvia
4	Slovenia
7	Belarus
7	Lithuania
9	Kazakhstan
9	Tajikistan
11	Armenia
11	Hungary
11	Russia
11	Ukraine
11	Uzbekistan
16	Moldova
17	Australia
17	Austria
17	Belgium
17	Canada
17	Czech Republic
17	Denmark
17	Finland
17	France
17	Germany
17	Guyana
17	Iceland
17	Ireland
17	Japan
17	Republic of Korea
17	Luxembourg
17	Netherlands
17	New Zealand
17	Norway
17	Slovakia
17	Spain
17	Sweden
17	Switzerland
17	United Kingdom
17	United States

Please note that while tied for 17th may not sound that bad, it is the same thing as being tied for 41st. This came from wikipedia, so let’s hope it is wrong. I didn’t see Feedonia in the top 10, which is a good sign.

To recap: we are great at sports and terrible at academics and most things intellectual. If the world were a collection of fraternities, you know who we’d be:

On to your local Houston sports updates, which you will read instead of studying trigonometry, allowing some 3rd world country to pass us…

ASTROS: Lost to Detroit 4-3. Brandon Inge hit a 2-run dong in the 9th. Hopefully this will allow his agent to buy an additional consonant in his next contract negotiations. For his last name. He could be Brandon Hinge or Brandon Finge. I’m partial to Brandon M’Inge myself.

ROCKETS: Two things. First, my list of least favorite players from the draft:

1. Chase Budinger: Had the nerve to headbutt Aubrey Coleman in the foot and now has the gall to move here?
2. Brandon Jennings: Showed the class of a young TO with the fashionably late entrance.
3. Blow Job Mullins: Ugly, unibrow, not ready for the NBA, should have stayed in school, etc, etc

Second, Ball Don’t Lie had a fun piece on best and worst dressed at the NBA draft, and the Best Dressed list somehow missed the late second round pick Tux Shirt McGee:

TEXANS: Some guy at cbssports.com ranks Andre Johnson as the 4th best player in the NFL. He has Super Mario at #19, but Mario’s rank should jump when he dons the Frog Suit. $10 says Goldfish leaves a condescending comment telling us the real name of the frog suit. Anyway, hope this helps with the Madden rankings this year. I for one am sick of adjusting every starters’ stats slightly to reflect the west coast media bias that EA uses to come up with their rankings every year.

Pictures from here and here.

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