FaF NBA Draft Blog Especial

That’s pronounced es-PECH-al.

Hey did whats his name get at you last night? DEEZ NUTZ!!!

Welcome one and all to Fourth and Fifty’s NBA Diary Especialo! You like my impeccable spanish? We’re tailoring our product to a diverse demographic. The caption is yet another Snoop Dogg ’90s reference. I can’t help myself. What we’re doing tonight is a live draft post. We’ll add content and update after every first round pick, so refresh your browser every 5 minutes. Or just read the whole thing later. Or don’t read it at all and lie to me later when I ask you if it was good.

The day has been interesting enough already. Shaq. Vince Carter. Jamal Crawford. Maybe Amare. Farah Fawcett. Michael Jackson!?! The draft just keeps it going. It is a night of mystery and intrigue. Will Mr. Interesting as a Turd Blake Griffin buy a personality with his newfound cash money? (or at least a new face?) What will happen with the second pick? Will Dizzile Mizzile (Daryl Morey) make a splash with a T-Mac trade and/or trading players for draft picks? What player will have the overweight crying mom with the best hat? Will Rex or I pass out from sheer posting exhaustion? Will The Sports Guy sue us for copyright infringement? Keep reading!

6:15. Blake’s older brother Taylor is being interviewed. He is just like Blake, except balding and 10% of the player.

6:16. I think The Random Baby just developed a crush on Rubio. Cut your hair, hippie!

6:17. Rex on the older Griffin – “That’s a hell of an inferiority complex”. I project Blake to go #1, Taylor to go #49, and Peter Griffin to go #235.

6:21. Fran Frashillio (sp) wets himself comparing Rubio to Gretzky, Pistol Pete, and Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

6:28. Dick Vitale goes crazy over productive college players again. Remember when Nick Collison had to get a restraining order against him? Dickie V used to go almost racist/ethnocentrist when he talked about the virtues of American college players verses foreigns or high school kids. Good thing that’s not a problem anymore.

6:30. OOhhh Babbbby yoooooouuuu got what I need! The lesson: get your taxi driver to put on a hot song from the early 90s and sing along after a night of drinking overrated foreign beer. USA! USA!

6:34. MSG: home of the Knicks and the Liberty. Until the WNBA folds. What type of a highfaluten speech is this, David Stern?

6:35. Don’t egg them on Dave. “It’s a very rowdy crowd tonight. I’m sure there will be many DUIs later.” Yaaayy!

6:36. Clippers franchise futility. Stu Scott to the other analysts: why is this draft going to be any different? Me: it’s not! It’s the effing Clippers! Save yourself Blake! Stu just referred to the Clippers’ “death chart”. Or at least I think that is what he said.

#1 – Los Angeles Clippers select Blake Griffin, PF, Oklahoma. And somewhere an angel gets its wings clipped and it falls to the ground and dies. We at FaF subscribe to the notion that players aren’t finished products, that the system in which they come of age professionally makes a huge difference on their careers. Go to the Spurs or Patriots, end up maximizing your potential. Go to the Raiders or Clippers and end up being 40% of the player you should have been. Griffin to the Clippers is the worst career move since Ron Burgandy told San Diego to have relations with itself. Blake, you could have been such a good professional! Why don’t you pull a John Elway / Steve Francis / Eli Manning and demand to be traded immediately? No one would blame you. Read this Bill Simmons column! You’re the next coming of Tim Duncan. You’re also the next coming of Tim Duncan’s personality.

6:39. Blake is all about Purple Rain with his suit. Stu says he’s “All Galaxy”. If the Clips look subdued, it’s because they are the Clips.

6:41. Rex informs me that Stu said “depth chart”. Oxymoron. I think “death chart” is probably more accurate.

6:42. Yup. Still interesting as a turd. Much like Mark McGwire’s Congressional testimony, Griffin isn’t here to talk about the past.

6:43. Navy seal training?!? Woah Gail Griffin has crazy eyes!

6:45. Question to the 2 people following along out there: would you have relations w/ Gail Griffin? Not me – her eyes are too crazy.

#2 – Memphis Grizzlies select Hasheem Thabeet, C, UConn. It’s always great to draft Wallace from Season 1 of the Wire. Let’s just hope things go better for Thabeet. He also has the defensive presense of Ben Wallace. Thabeet isn’t much more than just a rebounder and shot blocker. But, with continual growth (not what Pipez sports on his “touch me no no place”) under Coach Calhoun at UConn you can presume that he may be able to hone those offensive tangibles the scoreboard craves. One things for sure, he has as many defensive intangibles as cornrows.

6:48. Jay Bilas: If you can get into his body, you can score on him. Also true for Pipez’ mom.

6:49. Rex: Puberty > Stern.

#3 OKC Thunder select James Hardin, G, Arizona State. Mild upset. Rubio claps politely and plots to bang a European supermodel later tonight. A lefty with athsma, so he’ll be in a Michael Lewis book at some point.

6:53. Does Hardin have a bit of a potbelly? Can’t second-guess the Thunder after hitting on Westbrook last year, though.

6:54. Rex – Rubio = Brady Quinn. Good point, on several different levels.

6:55. Pipez’ over-under for Shaq/LeBron mentions = 25.

6:56. Incredible bow-tie for Harden. Looks like the 4th guy from Boyz 2 Men.

6:56. A picture of us live-blogging.

#4. Sacto selects Tyreke Evans, G, Memphis. Love the big momma in the white suit. Evans appears to be a mouth-breather.

6:59. Where are the highlight dunks? I hate him already. My scouting report consists of youtube videos and the highlights they show for the draft. Ergo he is a scrub. Mouth-breather.

7:00. Pipez just called Evans “Bubba Gump”. That was almost incredibly inappropriate.

7:01. New VP of BBall Ops for T-Wolves. Diverse background. When did that become an asset? Job-hopper.

#5. Minnesota selects Ricky Rubio, G, Not America. USA! USA! We’ve shied away from the Pistol Pete comparisons, because they were too easy. But the more tape we watch (assuming youtube is a tape), it is just too hard not to. Maravich had this strange way of running the floor that was both graceful and frenetic at the same time, with limbs and hair flopping everywhere. It was a strange form of athleticism, beautiful but not in the classic sense. Kind of like modern art – people love it, but I’m not going to cut my ear off just yet. Rubio’s game is much the same – the beauty depends on the beholder. We love crazy point guards tailor-made for youtube.

7:05. Maybe the best passer in the galaxy!  Well, he’s Pistol Pete without a shooting touch… PP (ha, I just said peepee) managed over 44 points a game in college. RR only averages 17 22 8 well, whatever stats you look at be it Rubio’s days with the Spanish national team or Euro League or Junior Little Mini-League.

TRG has racked up over 1,000 career turnovers trying to throw bounce passes between multiple sets of legs. So count us on the Rubio bandwagon.

7:07. Rubio will be great once he goes through puberty. But he has the 3rd person reference down pat.

#6. Minnesota selects Jonny Flynn, F, Syracuse. 2 PGs in a row? Flynn/Rubio deathmatch!!! Or a really fast-paced backcourt.

7:11. Flynn is a great character guy, for a midget. Sorry, vertically-challenged person. Dwarf.

7:13. The people don’t like the pic. 26% give it an F. But that gives the Wolves 2 PGs that speak in the 3rd person, people!

#7. Warriors select Stephen Curry, G, Davidson. The crowd totally freaks out.

7:17. MSG better double their security tonight. Curry must improve: not looking like he’s 12.

7:20. Knicks are up next. I wish you would step back from that ledge, my Knicks friend. The Babyfaced Assassin would have been a perfect fit, but don’t blow all your emotional energy now. Save some for when LeBron stays in Cleveland next summer.

#8. New York Knicks select Jordan Hill, F, Arizona. The Commish had some trouble reading that one. Early alzheimers? Now my dream McGrady for David Lee trade might become a reality!

7:23. Things happen, says Jordan Hill. Like neck tats. BOOOOOO!!!!!

7:24. Larry King is running the Knicks? And Rex breaks the news that Marc Jackson just turned down Stu Scott’s marriage proposal.

#9. Toronto selects DeMar DeRozan, G, USC. Bust potential through the roof. Pipez doesn’t like him, either. Apparently he looks like Kiff from Futurama. I don’t know who that is. Kids these days with their Bart Simpson shows.

7:32. That EA Sports commercial is fantabulous, even if half those games sucks. Rex is preparing to censor me if I make 1 more video game reference.

#10. Bucks select Brandon Jennings, G Compton and Italy. Straight out of Compton. Shouldn’t have cut that flattop. Rex asks when Play is being drafted? (Get it? Kid n Play?).

7:34. Pipez made the Kid n Play joke 0.2 seconds after Rex. 2nd place is 1st loser, Pipez.

7:36. Jennings didn’t show up because he didn’t get a guarantee and didn’t want to be Brady Quinn. Emo much, Brandon? That guy is a total diva.

#11. New Jersey Nets select Terrence Williams, F, Louisville. Right after they give away Vince Carter for a used DVD copy of Beaches. WOW! Great highlights. Van Gizzile calls Williams out on sucking up to Bilas and everyone laughs nervously.

7:41. Rick Pitino tries to look happy to not scare away his recruits. Fantastic grey pleather suit by T-Will.

7:42. Bobcats up next. Apparently Michael Jordan had a hand in this, again. At this point, if I worked for the Bobcats, I’d be happy to pay him to never show up, ever again. Strangest thing – how is he not competitive about being a good front-office guy? Is he happy with everyone thinking his post-ball career is precisely as successful as the first time he retired? What the heck?

#12. Bobcats select Gerald Henderson, G, Duke. Of course. Take a Carolina/Duke player 15 spots too early. Pure Bobcats. We know what happens next – another 32 win season. I like Henderson, but this is precisely what happens every year with the Bobcats. Too bad they can’t retroactively draft Trajan Langdon.

7:47. The Random Baby selects Sassy Busy Bug Bar, mostly for the alliterative properties of the toy. Because she’s 5 months old and all. The toy does look pretty cool to me.

7:48. Reginald Blackstone (pictured below) wonders when he will be drafted…

I'm Reginald Blacksone, bitch!

#13. Pacers select Tyler Hansbrough Reginald Blackstone. Fourth and Fifty goes crazy! He is not over-rated, over-rated, you townie New York haters.

7:51. Pipez – “Finally someone who doesn’t speak ebonics! Too racist? I love me some white people! No, really, I do! And seasonal sweaters!”

7:53. By my unofficial count, Indiana has 8 white guys. Pipez’ new favorite team. I hope I can hector Pipez into dropping his girlfriend to date someone from Pakistan just to prove he isn’t racist. Nothing like taking an innocent comment out of context.

7:55. Rex says Hansborough’s tie knot is a double decker quadruple windsor. I only wear clip-ons, so I wouldn’t know.

7:55. To steal from Sean Pendergrast, GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! THAT’S BRANDON JENNING’S MUSIC! What a TO-like prima donna. I swear to God, as soon as he got drafted, he magically appeared to take his stage bow.

#14. Phoenix selects Earl Clark, F, Louisville. Apparently the enigma of an enigmatic draft. That makes him a mystery within a riddle with a special conundrum sauce wrapped in spicy cryptogram. Has the skill set and perhaps the personality traits of a young Lamar Odom. One “expert” wonders: will he be Lamar Odom or will he be Tim Thomas? My question is: will Lamar Odom be Scottie Pippen, or will he be Tim Thomas? Odom ain’t a consistent finished product by any stretch of the imagination. Anyway, Earl Clark was a 6 foot guard until high school, where he shot up 6 inches in nearly the same number of months. This might explain some confusion in his game as well as the diverse skill set.

8:00. But there are lots of players who make the transition from little man to big man successfully. TRG successfully went from being a 5’9″ point guard to a 5’9″ power forward on the Ghetto Courts at UH. Successful to his other under six feet caucasian and asian peers, not to the random superathletic afro-americans who would walk up to the Ghetto Courts from the streets and immediately start throwing down putback dunks. Then they’d stop playing to take a booty call from their future baby mamma. Happened every time. I can’t tell you how many Ghetto Court games were delayed by someone running off the court, picking up the phone, and saying, “Girl, you down for later?” In English that means, “I would like to have intercourse with you tonight if you acquiesce to the proposition.” I had a point, but forgot it. Oh yeah, the transition from guard to forward isn’t that hard.

8:01. Clark must improve: not being lazy.

#15. Pistons select Austin Daye, F, Gonzaga. John Stockton came from the Zags. So did Adam Morrissey (spelled that way on purpose, never mind). So either way, really. This just in – Daye weighs the exact same as TRG and Pipez. Not a good sign, for any of the 3, really.

8:05. Reminds Pipez of Tayshaun Prince. Daye has been dealing with physical-ness his whole life. Perhaps he should have been dealing with grammar. Zing! This just in – Dickie V likes Tyler Hansbrough. No one saw that coming. Aren’t there any more Euros for Dickie to inappropriately trash? “Baby, I just think the diaper dandy from Duke is going to be so much better than the sausage-eating dego wop from Europe!” I swear to Jeebus, if the NBA had kept going on their Euro-rampage, he would have said this.

8:07. Van Gizzile just stole Pipez’ joke about Daye and Prince. Hope he doesn’t steal Pipez’ hair next.

#16. Bulls select James Johnson, F, Wake Forest. Johnson is a 6th degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do. Both his mom and dad are Tae Kwon Do champs, as are 6 of his 7 brothers. The bottom line is, you do not want to beef with the Johnsons. At 6’7″, 250+, we might be looking at Darvin Ham 2.0, the “2.0″ part being his ability to kill you.

8:10. Must improve physical play? But he is a MMA champ! That don’t make no sense.

8:11. Steve Kerr denies the fire sale that is the Phoenix Suns. Bullcrap (still not cussing). He’s got Nash on Ebay right now for $250.

#17. Philly selects Jrue Holiday, G, UCLA. He has skills to pay the bills. Rex’s take: it’s good to see some crossover stars, between rap and basketball. I thought that Master P would have made it, but good for JaRule.

8:16. The Wolves are about to select another point guard. This may be a good spot for the 3rd Griffin brother…

#18. Minnesota selects Ty Lawson, G, UNC. I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU! WTF? OMG? LMAO? WTF?

8:20. Deadspin says Stephen Curry is going to Phoenix, Amare is going to Golden State, and Biendes (sp?) is part of it.

8:21. Lawson is moving to Nugs. Curry to Phx would be great. He could receive tutelage from Nash Barbosa.

8:22. Interview with Jrue Holiday.

#19. ATL selects Jeff Teague, G, Wake Forest. Give him time to develop, Bilas says. That’s what they said about Nikiolov Skcilvisksivi to Denver at #5 some years back.

8:26. Rex loves his Soul commercial. Front, back, side to side (no homo).

#20. Jazz select Eric Maynor, G, VCU. Mature leader. Sounds perfect for the Jazz. Old-school nature, says Bilas. FaF can’t wait to hate him. Damn Utah. Pipez already hates him for the games against UH. Best players I’ve seen live in college: Kenyon Martin, Quinten Richardson, Jacques Vaughn. Seriously.

8:31. Interview with Larry Brown. Larry’s answer to every question, “I would like to announce my retirement from this interview. I just need to spend more time with my family.”

8:32. Rex wonders if there are any point guards left in college after this draft. Probably not.

8:33. A shout-out to FaF-friend Bones. Probably cooking up some incredible gumbo that everyone is enjoying while I’m sitting at home with my PB&J.

#21. NO selects Darren Collison, G, UCLA. His parents are wicked fast. I agree with Marc Jackson – learning from CP3 will make Collison a much better pro than he could have hoped to become otherwise.

8:35. Patrick Chewing really should do a little less chewing, says Pipez. True that. Chew on some celery, Patrick.

8:36. Those Most Interesting Man in the World commercials really are great. This seems like a good time to mention that the Ballys in West U closed, leaving El Rat and I homeless workout warriors. There is only one thing that can describe how I’m feeling right now.

8:38. That Portland/Dallas trade is making my head hurt. That is the equivalent of burning money.

#22. Portland selects Victor Claver, F, Spain. Put Dickie V on so he can say something ethnocentric. Stu throws it to Fran Fraschilla because no one else knows who the hell that guy is. Put him on ice and pass the Courvasier.

8:41. Shaq sends his condolences to the Jackson family. Touching. Get it? That was purely classless, sorry. Shaq has had mental conversations with LeBron? I don’t even know what joke to make here without offending the mental health practitioner community.

8:43. Rex thinks sending condolences to the Jacksons is going to be the new standard thing for superstars to say. This means Obama references are now passe.

#23. Kings select Omri Casspi, F, Israel. Oh hells yes. The Jews finally have their Jordan. Unless you think Tamir Goodman, the OG Jewish Jordan, can still hit the big time. Casspi reminds some scouts of a young Boki Nachbar. Well, then. The one thing Casspi has on his side is years of training in Krav Maga. Sorry, that joke and this entire paragraph might be a bit over the line, if you got it.

8:46. Both Rex and Pipez make “Jew York” jokes. It’s ok, we know some Jews.

8:47. Rex would like to extend his condolences to everyone who used to masturbate to Farah Fawcett in 1976.

#24. Dallas selects B.J. Mullins, C, Ohio State. That guy is a unibrow waiting to happen. Looks like a bitch. I want to dunk on him, and I a) don’t play ball anymore and b) am still 5’9″, 190. At least going to Dallas he’ll learn how to play defense. Oh, wait… Did Stu Scott just say Mullins only started 2 games at Ohio State? Great pick, Dallas. Worst city in America. At least Dirk is moving on from knocking up a serial killer.

8:51. Tyrone Hill just got better looking because of B.J. Mullins. Ugliest NBA players.

#25. OKC selects Rorigue Beaubois, G, Guadeloupe. I didn’t know the Guadealoupe River had a team. All I know is floating down the river, drinking some beer. From a floating cooler.

8:55. The Guadeloupe River guy just got traded for Blow Job Mullins. Clubtrillion, what is your take?

#26. Chicago selects Taj Gibson, F, USC. The Commish looked none too pleased with that pick. 7’4″ wingspan?!? Great snear for a picture. You might remember Taj from his role as Van Wilder’s assistant.

9:00. Least favorite players to this point:

1. Brandon Jennings
2. Blow Job Mullins
3. Eric Maynor

#27. Memphis selects DeMarre Carrol, F, Missouri. OMG THE GRIZZ JUST DRAFTED CHRIS PARTLOW! Hopefully Snoop will be next. Rex says the Grizz war room is way too big. Here is a hint – if you have more Vice Presidents than players, that might be why you suck, Memphis.

9:07. Pipez says Russel Stovers sponsors Kansas’ backboards. Maybe we should sponsor UH’s womens’ teams backboards to gain readreship. Wonder if we could write that off…

9:08. Gatorade makes great commercials. Pardon me. “G.” Question: why? Is there anyone on earth who doesn’t know about Gatorade? They must be playing with Monopoly money at this point. Recession-proof product, developed by Dr. Robert Cade. RIP, Brother Cade.

#28. Minny selects Wayne Ellington, G, North Carolina. The Commish is getting punchy and the NY crowd is cheering for any name they recognize. You know who else has 2 thumbs and is getting punchy? This guy. I don’t know how the Sports Guy does it. Lots of practice. Practice?

9:15. Quentin Richardson for Darko? Everyone loses in that trade. Rex tuned out the draft and is now planning Frontier Fiesta. Don’t forget the line dance to this song.

#29. LA selects Toney Douglas, G, Florida State, for the Knicks. Toney Toni Tone. Anyone?

9:18. Rex doesn’t like the chime to announce pics. You know what I don’t like? The regurgitation of the Shaq trade. Over and over and over.

9:20. All-White-All-Suck Team: Luke Ridnour, Possibly the Best Shooter Ever JJ Redick, Adam Morrissey, Ryan Bowen, Darko.

#30. Cleveland selects the guy who made the Cleveland video Christian Eyenga, F/F, Congo. The Commish is dog tired at this point. Fran says we might see this guy in 15-17 years in the NBA. DJ Mbenga is waiting with baited breath…

9:26. Pipez says why would New Yorkers want LeBron when they have Darko? That is a good question. They were drafted next to each other, after all.

This is probably a good place to stop.

A few more things to say:

1. Josh Heytvelt, PF, Gonzaga. Our analysis: low on athleticism, but high on shrumes. Get it? He was arrested in 2007 (I think, hard to fact-check during a live blog) for possession of mushrooms.
2. Rox, get a pick to give us something to talk about tomorrow.
3. Chase Budinger, tell me how my foot taste?

Check the stats, bro. Hallelujah holla back.

6 Comments

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.

Comments RSS