Juneteenth Freestyle: Celebrating Our Emancipation From Sports

Since TRG and Reginald Blackstone are getting chopped and screwed on their day off  while eating fried chicken and watermelon at their Juneteenth Celebration, I am going to just let the beat go and freestyle it for a while. So, come celebrate with us while you wait in line for your new iPhone. (because you know you want one)

Nothing goes along with Juneteenth like a sport dominated by rich white people. So we begin at Bethpage with the US Open, where Tiger Woods is close to the top of the leaderboard.  You know who is not at the top of the leaderboard? Sergio Garcia. He is still crying about getting broken up with via text message, and not focused on golf.  I like how this blog calls him and emo kid. We have a cutter!

Speaking of girlfriends, Shaelyn Palmer, wife of Carson Palmer, says that Chad Ochocinco is not going to stay with them. I know that you are jealous of Chad’s Brokeback Mountain comments, but is that any way to celebrate Juneteenth Shaelyn? BTW isn’t Shaelyn a porn name?

I’ll tell you what is a porn name… Leighton Meester. Yes, she is the newest member of the celebrity sex tape club. I don’t even know who she is, because I don’t watch crappy shows (only awesome ones like the Wire which is why I can write a post on Juneteenth, that and I have black friends). I will know who she is, after I see the sex tape, however. Septimus, apparently she has talented feet, you should go for it!

I may not be in to feet, but I am in to titties! But apparently Peru is spoiling their titties 2 girls 1 cup style by dumping millions of tons of caca on them each year. Wait… what, I’m sorry I heard that wrong. They are dumping tons of sewage into Lake Titicaca (let the caca jokes ensue).

John McCain has officially become a Transformer and decided to take on the North Koreans himself. Now calling himself the USS John McCain, he is going to intercept a North Korean ship.  Hopefully, this doesn’t piss them off enough to fire a missle at Hawaii.

A few miles East, the Chinese are continuing their buyout of the US by manipulating the NBA. Yao is trying to settle rumors of a possible move to Cleveland, which is partly owned by the Chinese. The writers of this site were so excited they lost the ability to form readable sentences.

Finally, if you are still looking to get your reparations, Orange Julius still exists is offering free smoothies (and A&W root beer floats).