June 18 Houston Sports FaF Smear (Douche Special)

John Royal is a Royal Douchebag.

You may remember, loyal reader, that back in the day we broke a huge story about JIMMY! and VINNY! and even had it picked up by Deadspin. By “back in the day” I mean last Friday, June 12. It was by far our biggest day ever and we celebrated with yachts and Courvosier smarmy email and text barbs. Vinny is certainly not our intellectual property, but we’d like to think that we were the platform from which he became a blogosphere superstar.

I can’t keep my cursing commitment today. Consider this the day after Lent. We have one motherfucking rule, a code by which we otherwise lawless vagabonds live. If we steal your shit, and we will, we’ll give you credit for it. If you steal our shit, and you’re welcome to, give us some MOTHERFUCKING CREDIT. Even you dipshits out there should be able to remember that.

Yesterday the Socialist Houston Press wised up and posted the same fucking article we did 4 days earlier. Some douchebag named John Royal, which sounds like a bad porn name. According to his blog, John is an unemployed lawyer with over 10 years of “document review and production”, which makes him a paralegal who happened to pass the bar exam. Apparently he is having some problems with the Press, who for some inconceivable reason don’t want to just post his pleas for someone in radio to hire him. But they still let him plagiarize like a motherfucker. Way to stick to your principles, Houston Press. Your mother would be proud. By the way, I hope this doesn’t increase his blog readership. Remember when we went after Joel Przybilla and ended up making him a bunch of new friends on Facebook? The terrorists won that day. Don’t let it happen again.

Royal did two things that really get my goat. First, he didn’t give any credit, even though every blog, email chain, and message board we came across linked back to us. It was nigh impossible to do one’s homework and not know that. But maybe in the dark corner of his parent’s basement Royal was handed a parchment of the post with no context. Maybe his gimp gave it to him after a hard day at the office. Who knows. This sin is severe, but perhaps explainable. The second has no motherfucking explanation.

We are many things, but inspired and talented writers is not one of them. Why anyone would want to copy our ideas almost verbatim is beyond me. I can’t believe anyone reads this insipid drivel, but you all do (and thanks, btw!). That soulless douchebag plagarized like a motherfucker. For example, here is how we started the post:

As a warning, before you read that site-post, you should make sure you get a good night’s sleep, hydrate properly, get a big cup of coffee and a plastic cup to urinate in, and prepare yourself mentally.

Here is how he started his post:

Before you click on this link, make sure you’ve had breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Make sure you’ve used the toilet, and make sure you’ve set your DVR to record anything that you might conceivably want to watch for the next two weeks.

Motherfucker, what the fuck? There are many examples of this shit throughout his copycat post. This guy is the douche of the year. 

Let’s talk remedies. First, I’d like for him to lick on the nuts, if he would be so kind. Second, any athlete or celebrity we cover at Fourth and Fifty whom we do not like we will now and forever call “The John Royal Douchebag Special”. Thirdly, we might sue his ass, even if we’ve had a little legal trouble ourselves.

Here are your motherfucking Houston Sports Updates… 

ASTROS: Lost 5-4 to the Rangers. Pudge set the record for games caught. You know who is #9 on the list? H-Town’s own Brad Ausmus! He’s handsome, wicked smart, and durable. Kaz Matsui celebrated Pudge’s milestone by lifting his batting average to .224. 

TEXANS: Rookie DE Connor Barwin once held Greg Oden scoreless for 5 minutes, reports The Canadian Press. So what if Oden’s hand was broken and so what if he was 45 at the time? Coach Kubiak spoke at the Touchdown Club, and the guy recapping the event has a serious man-crush. A quote: He is Gary Kubiak and I want him to succeed. That might be one of the creepier things I’ve ever read. If Kubiak ends up chained to a generator in this guy’s basement, you can’t say you didn’t have warning. Double negative, foolz. The team also seems to be happy with its choice of 6 or 8 RBs, because That’s What Denver Would Do.

ROCKETS: The Rockets organization is spotlighting the end of the bench, which is what one does when there is nothing else to do, and the most recent article covers James White, who reminds the Rox of Trevor Ariza. I’d love to see me some James White next season. Here are a number of grainy reasons why:

COOGS: Here is a nice blurb on David Murphy, CUSA’s Spirit of Service award winner. Sounds like a great guy. I wonder when The Devil Coach Noble is going to kick him off the team and/or extort money from Texas Children’s Hospital. 

Picture from here.

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