Septimus Rex
Johnny 5
Pipez
wanksmacgruber
Josh Being Josh
Moose Knuckle
With the first round in this year’s MLB Draft, the Astros selected Jiovanni Mier, a high school shortstop out of California. Here is some video on the young fella. Watch it, because it is likely to be the last time you see him, unless you make a road trip to one of the minor league games. See if these names mean anything to you: Brian Bogusevic, Derick Grigsby, Maxwell Sapp, Jordan Lyles. They are all recent first-round Astros picks. Never heard of them? The last 1st round pick to play in the bigs is Chris Burke of the 2001 draft class.
The future minor leaguer hisself.
What does this all mean? The Astros can’t and probably won’t see any return on their investment of drafting Jiovanni Mier. They can’t touch this. It doesn’t matter how hard the music hits them or whether or not Mier has two hype feet. Sorry, an early 90s rap reference. Really I just wanted to post the Hammer picture above. I am so jazzed for when the ’90s nostalgia trend comes on the heels of ’80s nostalgia fatigue in three years. Back to baseball, at least Cincy had the right idea when they took a Leake. Discounting Fidel Jason Castro, the 2008 #1 draft pick, who is killing the minors and just made the jump to Double A, the Stros swing big and miss big in the first round. It should be said that there are 180 50 rounds in the MLB draft, so the first round is not nearly as important as in the NBA (teaser – we will blow out the NBA draft later this month). But still Astros – nothing since 2001? They probably qualify for a bailout.
The good news is, Mier has Aflac behind him, so he should be able take out a $10MM policy against playing in The Show. That way, if he makes it (highly unlikely as history would tell us), he gets paid. If he don’t, he gets paid. It’s called hedging your bets, young man, and you better get used to it. That’s part of being an adult. Here is what else you need to do: marry the first decent-looking, disease-free girl that likes you; have children three years before you’re ready; learn about car values because you’ll be selling them after you “retire” at the age of 26; and of course learn all sorts of trite sayings like “I’m just trying to see the ball” and “the team is really starting to head in the right direction”.
Here are thoughts on the rest of the draft…
Dear 6 lb 8 oz" Baby Jesus, please let this be the real Tanner Bushue.
Round 2: Tanner Bushue, RHP, South Central High School, IL. Ok, first of all he went to South Central High School, most likely because the admissions to the LBC were closed. That was another 90s rap joke, sorry. Here is the Snoop Dogg reference for you white people. And the name of his local newpaper is The Effingham Daily News? FaF couldn’t have picked a better name if we’d tried. Actually, we could have picked the Unincorporated Township of FU. These kids look so damn young in these pictures, probably because I work with menapausal accountants all day. I don’t really have anything to say except I guess 87 is good for a HS kid’s fastball (see video hightlights). Wait until he gets some steroids in him. And what is with the flat bills on the hats? Is that what the kids are doing this day? At first I thought Tanner was rocking a rally cap in this picture, but no, it is just his regular hat. This makes me want to start talking about how back in my day we would craft a perfect upside-down “u” with the bill. There are like 7 steps in the process, and it takes a lot of tender loving care. Kids these days…
The Crime Dog Fred McGriff is now announcing the picks on MLB.com. Awesome.
3rd round & already using grainy b-roll footage.
Round 3: Telvin Nash, OF, Griffin HS, GA. Big dude, played football and was recruited in both sports for nonpaid work college. Can’t blame him for going pro to get paid! Actually, he would have made more money through booster handshakes in college than what he’s going to make playing in the minors. It’s not too late, Telvin. Sometimes colleges pay you in alternative forms of money, like “assistant coaches”. I can’t find that He Got Game clip on youtube, and it is probably for the better because there is no way it would have been “SFW”, if you know what I mean.
Do the Astros always draft high schoolers exclusively? I read Moneyball three years ago and thus would like to think of myself as an expert on the subject. Isn’t the formula go with mostly proven commodities at the college level rather than constantly swinging and missing with pre-pubescent talent? Is this a recession strategy of some sort because HS kids cost less than college kids? Why don’t you mix in a college player every now and again, Astros? Or do you have some sort of HS drafting streak you want to keep going, like Jim Rome’s Rex streak? And why didn’t Rome call on Septimus during his streak? So many questions, so few answers.
Seriously - what is the deal with the flat bill, no smile look?
Comp Round B: Johnathan Meyer, 3B, Simi Valley HS, CA. Loves ping-pong and staring at the camera without smiling. His HS baseball team’s motto is “Ya Gotta Believe“. I guess “We Don’t Grammar” was taken. How about “Our Baseball Team’s Motto is Representative of Why America has Fallen Behind Several Third World Countries in Literacy“? It might not make for a great cheer, but it is sneaky-funny. Not that this or any other blog should be throwing the first stone in terms of grammar or language or decorum. Here is J-Mey’s high-school E-Card, if you’re interested. It isn’t up-to-date. But it is on the first page of a google images search.
The end of the first day seems like a good place to cut it off. If you came here looking for real information and only found half-researched smarmy quips, that’s the way it goes.
Photos from here, here, here, and here.
10 Comments
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First of all, satire only works if it’s remotely true! Second of all, your crack team of investigators should at least come up with the correct photos! Duh?
Get over yourself and the 90′s.
You’re over-estimating our commitment to the truth. Duh!
Perry you aren’t going to write a 16,000 word rant about how your son isn’t getting enough playing time are you?
Google said it was the right photo. Satire actually only works if it is funny, which this isn’t. You see, Perry, I’m abstaining from cursing and it is really hurting the quality of my work (which was terrible to begin with, and now it has become atrocious). You should spend less time googling your son and more time teaching him how to mold a cap bill.
The picture you have posted is a kid named Tanner Funke not Tanner Bushue. This took about three minutes for me to find out on Google. I realize high speed internet may not be available in your moms basement but you could have figured it out in less than half an hour with your dial-up.
mom’s basement reference! +1
Mike V, I don’t know what you’re talking about and suggest you re-look at whatever picture you thought you saw. Check and mate, my friend.
Gosh darn it, TRG.
How could you go back and edit your post to put the right picture of a player up? What kind of blogger are you? Don’t tell me that you’re developing a conscience… That’s not FaF-like at all.
Thanks a lot Mike V, now we all have to pay because of what you’ve done here. You’ve ruined a perfectly good, unrespectable blogger… Next thing you know he’s going to be submitting writing samples to the NY Times to try to get a gig.
I don’t know what you all are talking about. I also don’t know why two separate sets of parents would be stoned enough to name their kid Tanner.
Check the stats.
Hey maybe Tanner has two dads!