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Fourth and Fifty was recently able to interview Tracy McGrady*, and we’re happy to bring you a transcript of the interview in its entirety. Enjoy!
Just another day at the office.
FaF: Tracy, first thank you for joining us even though we’ve been less than supportive in the past.
T-Mac: Don’t worry about it. After all, it’s my fault.
FaF: You weren’t selected to the Olympics, you didn’t make the All Star team, but you were named First Team All Titty Baby. How did that make you feel?
T-Mac: First, I’d like to thank my vagina. It hurts quite a bit, but it is the only one I have, and without it I wouldn’t be Tracy McGrady. It is an honor to be named First Team All Titty Baby because the award isn’t just about being disliked, it is really about not living up to potential. I don’t want to sound arrogant, but I think I do that as well as anyone else in the league. The award is just confirmation of all of my not hard work.
FaF: How did your surgery go?
T-Mac: Fantastic! I can’t wait to start rehabbing for a month and then get injured again before the season starts. Even if the injury is just in my mind. Then I’ll make some mixed-message statements on my blog and everyone will spend 2 months wondering if I’m going to play or not. So basically it will be like every summer.
FaF: Your eyes freak me out. But I was thinking that maybe you’re like an owl – your eyes being sideways help you see the court better, and that is why you’re such a good passer. When you’re playing. Which isn’t often.
T-Mac: Interesting question. I am actually evolutionary. My ancestors grew up in the ghetto, and the ones with sideways eyes could always see the gang bangers creeping around the corner, so they survived. So I’m kind of like a fish with spiky scales that way. Darwinism, motherfucker.
FaF: True that. Who has been the biggest influence on you in terms of basketball?
T-Mac: I’ve got to say my cousin, Vince Carter. His work ethic and mental toughness are inspiring to me.
FaF: What do you like to do in the offseason?
T-Mac: Same thing I do during the season: not play basketball. And work on my softball game.
FaF: We all thought Ron Artest was just crazy enough to put you in line. Boy were we wrong.
T-Mac: I don’t know where that crazy-ass idea came from. Mac don’t take shit from no one. Mac been in the game for 12 years and ain’t going to start playing hard consistently. Ron better ask somebody.
FaF: Do you really think it is cool to call yourself “Mac”? What, do you have an Apple computer? Did you like Kris Kross back in the day? Did you like Little Mac from Punch-Out? This really upsets me. I know Mac, I worked with Mac. You, sir, are no Mac.
T-Mac: It is a lazy nickname, I’ll give you that, but then again so is my eye.
FaF: How did it feel to finally lead your team out of the first round of the playoffs?
T-Mac: (Awkward silence…)
FaF: I like that beard, even though you only grow it to hide your double chin. Are you going to grow a beard on your midsection to hide your potbelly?
T-Mac: (Awkward silence…)
FaF: Your annual salary is similar to some of the golden parachutes CEOs are getting when they are forced out of their failing companies that need bailouts. Is this a coincidence?
T-Mac: Motherfucker, I have 82 mouths to feed! I represent the ghetto. I feed most of the ghetto, too.
FaF: This interview seems to be upsetting you…
T-Mac: I’ll have my dog bite your motherfucking face off, too.
FaF: That is ironical because you kind of look like a pug. Is there anything else you’d like to tell your fans, or teammates, or Daryl Morey?
T-Mac: Yes, but that information is proprietary to my blog. So just keep checking every day to see how I feel about myself.
FaF: One more question – what do you plan to do when you retire?
T-Mac: I’m making $20 mil being semi-retired right now, so hopefully someone will pay me $40 mil to not play at all.
FaF: Tracy, thank you again for your time, it being so precious and scarce and all.
T-Mac: I’ve got to go. This interview just game me carpal tunnel.
*This interview may or may not have happened in my mind.
Pictures from here. And here. And here.
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picture fail
You know what I think happened? The original picture was from a Chinese website. It worked on Monday in draft form. But the Chinese government restricted/censored a lot of internet sites yesterday because of the 20th anniversary of Tiananmen Square. So blame it on them.