The FaFU: Jose Canseco, Auto-Tune, North Korea et al.

The FaFU is the biggest, bestest, dumpiest, link-dump you’ve never heard of.  It’s a weekly installment here on Fourth and Fifty because we had to find some filler for Wednesdays.  If you don’t like it I hope you get the stomach flu and can “shit through a key hole from ten paces” like Big Hitter (which ranks as the most unnecessary comment of all time on FaF).

10) Bloggers – When will you ever learn?  You can’t just buy a URL, load it on the interwebs, come up with a shitty little design with even shittier CSS coding, and talk shit about whomever you please.  It doesn’t work like that.  There are rules and regulations.  By-laws you must follow.  You can’t be getting all willy-nilly criticising those in the public eye.  You get sent to jail for mistakes like that… Or, maybe you just don’t talk about Anna Nicole Smith’s mother and you can avoid all that.

9) Not-Graphic-Enough Violence – Grand Theft Auto just isn’t enough anymore.  All you mommies and daddies that bitched and moaned because it was corrupting your young’ns were completely off base.  Does GTA have a clitorious being sheared off by rusty scissors [Ed. Note - That link is safe, I promise.  It's just a review of Lars von Trier's "masterpiece" Anti-Christ.  Sounds titillating, no?].  I didn’t think so.  So, don’t come crying to me when we finally up the ante with Close Range a video game that the player has to “literally blow off hundreds of thousands of faces.”  Brain splatter for all!

8) Jose Canseco – Dude, seriously, dude. Time to retire… from life.  You’re doin’ it wrong.  The only thing you’re good at is being a snitch (and not even famous enough the make the Mental_Floss list).  Even that doesn’t take the brain power of a tit mouse.  And, you know what?  Nobody cares anymore.  So, you trying to break into the MMA scene is just…well…retarded.  Are we done now?  Is getting knocked out by a seven-footer enough for you?  I hope that was worth the paycheck, Jose.

7) Men Who Look Like Old Lebians – Faithful reader, Type Knerd once sent me a hilarious picture of Jeremy Irons and I thought to myself, “dude, this guy totally looks like an old lesbian.”  Lo and behold someone beat me to the photo-blog-punch.  I present to you Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians.  I know what you’re wondering… Yes, a picture of Jeremy Irons in the same vein as the one I linked to above is one the list.

6) Auto-Tune – I have a soft spot for T-Pain: Specifically his appearance in “I’m on a Boat” (which was last month’s Thing I Did Last Night).  But, this Auto-Tuning shit is just getting out of control.  What’s your real voice sound like?  Huh?  HUH?!  Do you even remember anymore?  If you’re not singing “Never thought I’d see the day with a big boat floating my way.  Believe me when I say I fucked a mermaid,” I don’t want none of it.

5) Joe DeCamillas – Stop being so badass.  I don’t like the Cowboys.  In fact I hate them.  But, your acts of fortitude in the face of a flying practice dome make me respect you and, by association, the organization as well.  Having a couple of crushed vertebrae and still walking to your office to call your wife to tell her that you’re ok?  Asshole.  You’re making the rest of us look bad.

4) North Korea – Go get fucked, North Korea!  Seriously.  You’re getting stupid with this shit.  Kim Jong Il, you’re a fucking pansy.  I’m tired of your ubiquitous threats.  Nobody cares about you.  Stop lashing out for attention.  Get your doctors to steal the formula from Prozac and pop a couple.  It will do you good.  You’re not scaring anybody.

3) The Vandenberg – You know what?  I’ll get around to sinking the Vandenberg when I give a fuck about the Vandenberg.  In fact, that is three too many times for me to even write the name of the ship.  The last ship I cared about was the Red October.

2) Dinosaurs Fucking Robots – Yeah, I know that I linked to Dinosaurs Fucking Robots before… But, this is a momentous occasion.  The first video for the site.  Beat that, Will Ferrel with your Land of the Lost bullshit.  Does your T-Rex get on roller-blades for your Summer blockbuster?  I think not.  Put the robot wiener in the dinosaur butt.

1) Awesomely Bad Commercials – After watching roughly 200 hours of commercials during the NBA playoffs I feel like I’m an expert in that medium of advertising.  You know which aren’t good commercials?  The ten-million Meet the Browns or House of Payne clips that I have to suffer through when the game is on TNT.  Tyler Perry, this FaFU is for you.  Fuck you, and fuck TBS.  Here’s a video guide for some good advertising ventures:

- Septimus Rex

[Image from Natilie Dee]

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