Septimus Rex
Johnny 5
Pipez
wanksmacgruber
Josh Being Josh
Moose Knuckle
Captain Obvious is here to save the day!
2 Dudes, 1 Basket
Psssssssst… I’m going to tell you a secret. You have to promise you’re not going to tell anyone though… Ok?
LeBron James and Kobe Bryant might face-off in the NBA Championships! Seriously! I am not joshin’ you. I am not pulling your leg. I’m not even fucking with you (that would require a whole bunch of effort and foreplay and stuff).
Is it exciting or terrifying that Fourth and Fifty is the first to bring this fact to your attention? I’m leaning toward terrifyingly excited! Super-mega-uber-page views are in our future. This is the break-through that we’ve been waiting for… screw getting served, getting reamed on the radio or being linked to by big sports blogs. FaF is going to make ESPN, FoxSports AND Good Morning America with this revelation.
Let me break this down for you. IF the Los Angeles Lakers beat the Denver Nuggets AND IF the Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Orlando Magic THEN Kobe Bryant and LeBron James will battle for the Larry O’Brien Trophy. That’s a pretty complicated “If/Then” statement, but I deal with Microsoft Excel everyday. I’m more than qualified to dissect that logic equation.
For some reason nobody has caught on to this yet. ESPN has yet to do a 23 vs. 24 biopic about how the Black Mamba and King James are friends yet mortal combatants on the basketball court. I’m thinking that they need to get a big name to narrate the documentary… how about Justin Timberlake? BLAMMO! Terrific idea. ESPN, you can thank me in the credits (and with one million dollars).
Nike endorses and dresses both players. Even they haven’t clued in. Let me reach into my vast advertising-ideas well and pull out gold again… Nike, I say you have to take a different direction. Kobe and Lebron are roommates. You with me? BUT! (that’s a million dollar “but”) BUT! They are both puppets! Dude! Puppets!! Kobe and LeBron are Bert and Ernie! You can do one about how Kobe’s already won three championships. One can focus on LeBron being overly excited to be so close to his first ring. Stick with me here Phil Knight, I have an idea about filming one where Kobe writes over LeBron’s game tape with his own promotional video. (And, if I were you, Phil, I would go ahead and sponsor my above idea to ESPN. Just for posterity’s sake.)
Vitamin Water, don’t think I’ve overlooked you Glaceau (Coca-Cola, but who’s counting…)! You need to do a TV spot where it seems like you’re interviewing people on the street (they’re really actors, shhhhh) debating if Kobe or LeBron is better. Vitamin Water would get mad props (has anyone said that since the 2000′s started?) from the people you’re trying to relate to. “Vitamin Water really understands my water cooler talk at the office,” will be the notion running through everyone’s head. Bring the party to facebook and then everyone will start debating.
None of you have to thank me outright. It’s just a pleasure being able to help out the American economy in any way that I possibly can. If the only way I can do that is to shill the products of way-too-big corporations, so be it. If you so choose you can send me cash or cashier’s check, free products, an entire harem… or, just be my friend on facebook. You. Are. Welcome.
I’m going to go start practicing being interviewed by Katie Couric.
Now, on to our Houston sports updates:
TEXANS – Are you playing games yet? No? Worthless. However, now that I know that Bob McNair is in favor of a longer season I feel a lot better. For your sake I’m not even going to read the article. I always feel like wild speculation is the best way to go. In order to achieve a greater amount of advertising revenue, ticket sales and less fan bitching, McNair is leading the charge to institute a 60 game NFL season. Good for you, Bob. Fight for your right. Fight for your right to party. (Just read the article… 17 or 18 games? Come on, Bob. Grab your balls and ask your mom “please” if she still says “no.”)
ROCKETS – Still on vacay. I read through the article that THE Random Guy linked to yesterday about the 5 High Points of the Rockets season. I wildly disagree with whoever on Bleacher Report wrote that nonsense. The number one moment of the Rockets season was Tracy McGrady deciding that he was done for the season (before the team doctors, GM or Coach decided that was a good idea). The dude has heart. T-Mac is the heart/soul/leader of this team… he has to stick up for what he thinks is right. And sometimes sitting on the bench is the way to go. He’s the Teiresias of the Rockets.
ASTROS – Lost to the Brewers four to three last night. Berkman argued an obvious out call at home plate and Cecil Cooper had his back. The result? Expulsion from the game for both. This is good news for people who love bad news. Officially the Astros clock in at last place in the National League Central division. Yes, that’s right. Last. What does that mean? Hold your breath… The Pirates are better than the Astros. (Now, the Astros have two games in hand. That’s a soccer/futbol/football term that I don’t expect TRG to understand… The Pirates have played two more games than the Astros [which means it's not as bad as it seems until Houston catches up in games played], happy?)
AEROS – Staving off elimination. The Aeros managed to avoid the sweep yesterday. How many people care that are reading this? My buddy Bullpen Boxes is supposed to, but I don’t think he reads us anymore. Something about “being knee-deep in booty-holes” is how he put it. The Houston Aeros go for the next step in the greatest comeback in the history of the Calder Cup today. We’re betting on the Aeros being the Boston Red Sox of the IHL. Who’s with me?!
DYNAMO – Soccer, soccer, soccer… Yes you can tie in soccer. No, that’s seemingly not “American.” You used to be able to tie in the NHL… You can still tie in the NFL (just don’t ask Donovan McNabb about it). On a personal note – I hate ties. I don’t even like tying my shoes. Loafers it is. Everyday.
UNIVERSITY of HOUSTON – Still not being a Tier One school. I hate to be “that guy” that continues to push and push and push for Tier One advocacy. But, isn’t it depressing? One day a UT or A&M grad is going to read this blog. On that particular day they might have a heart. If, in fact, they have a heart they will feel bad for UH and Rice (maybe) and HBU and Baylor and all the other million institutes of higher learning in Texas. But, honestly, that day isn’t coming soon.
- Septimus Rex
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Loafers? don’t you mean velcro shoes, Septimus?
I too, hate the tie, a suggestion, take it to Trail Dust and have it cut off. A triple entendre if you will.
I was at the Astros game last night. I thought Berkman was going to punch the ref…it was the most entertaining part of the whole game. #2 entertaining moment was seeing S. Rex’s roommate on the big screen. Baseball is such a drag!
What?! I don’t have roommates. I live in the penthouse of the building I own downtown. Silly, silly, “Shelby” (aka “the dude that lives in his parents’ basement to The Random Guy”).